The Secret Life of Billy Chase - 11. Chapter 11

- Thank God it's Friday! I truly need a weekend. There's just this constant yearning for it that starts every week around Wednesday morning, and it gets stronger the closer you get to 3:30 Friday afternoon. The weekend...the glorious weekend. Then, in a blink, it's gone. And the process starts all over again. I'd much rather do two days of school and five days of actual living...but I guess that's never gonna happen.

Jimmy LaPlane didn't come to school at all today. I know he didn't get expelled, so I'm assuming he ditched. Probably still embarrassed by the beating he took yesterday. You know, I don't usually talk to Jimmy a whole lot, but if he comes back to school on Monday, maybe I could at least show him a LITTLE bit of...um...I guess 'kidness' is the word I'm looking for. Or...maybe it's 'pity'. I don't know. But despite the fact that I hardly know him and mostly use whatever 'socially polite' ways I can come up with to avoid him at all costs, there's a part of me that feels the need to shoot him a smile after all this. I mean, there's gotta be SOME level of human kindness that allows us to sympathize with those of us who fall behind in the race once in a while. I doubt it will do much good, but I don't want to be one of those kids that turns their backs on him. Or worse, that face forward and laugh at him without any shame. It's so wrong. He's a human being for crying outloud. So what if he doesn't come off as 'cool' as the rest of the high school 'aristocrats'. What makes THEM so high and mighty anyway? Really. It's gotta really suck for Jimmy to come here each and every day, thinking that everybody hates him or that there's something wrong with him and that's why people pick on him. It's not fair.

I can't really expect anyone else to take the initiative. So I'll be nice to him when he comes back. It doesn't hurt to TALK to him once in a while. He's not THAT bad.

That aside...I saw Brandon getting his stuff to leave the library today when I walked in. And you know what he did? He stayed. It really caught me by surprise, and I didn't say anything about it to him, but he was obviously getting ready to leave. But when he saw me, he sorta...'stopped' packing up, and made it look like he was going to stay for a bit longer. Something about that made him so cute to me. It actually made me giggle a bit to myself while I was talking to him. Did you know that his eyelashes look just a LITTLE bit longer than normal? Like, not in a monsterous, freaky way...but just long enough to stick out if you look close enough. Everytime he blinked, his eyes would shine just a bit brighter, and it would make me...well...horny. Not that it takes much these days. And his lips are so cool when he smiles. Like...perfect. He must have thought I was acting strange, because I was feeling pretty awkward at the time. But we had a nice talk about school....you know, those little 'bitch sessions' that you have with somebody, talking about all the shit you hate about a similar topic? Just to get it off of your chest. I think Brandon likes our science class about as much as I do. Which is a middle ground between hating it, and having it be 'tolerable'. After the bell rang, our conversation felt...incomplete somehow. Like it could have gone on forever if we weren't ripped apart by our obligation to go to the next class. I think he felt the same way too, because we simply didn't want to stop. Brandon is a real sweetheart, you know? I feel like an idiot for not talking to him much sooner.

Anyway, I've got a paper to finish in the next two days. Of course, I had two weeks to do it, but what's life without hours and hours of endless procrastination? I should probably get started on that. Later.

- Billy

- I went with Sam to the mall today because he was looking for a new video game and decided to raid the used budget bin to pick up more than one. Naturally, the mall is full of fun, friends, and some incredible boy-candy. So I had no problem going at all. I saw some really cute guys there, but the one that caught my eye the most was this one guy that was working in the athletic shoe store at the end of the west wing. Oh man!!! Talk about love at first sight! He had dark sandy blond hair, and frosted tips, and it looked like he had these green contacts in that were just...mmmmm! I was able to ditch Sam for a few minutes to go over and 'browse' for a few seconds, hoping that he would ask me for help. I passed him a couple of times, getting as close as I could without bumping into him. I think he was maybe about 17 years old, and he was wearing just a hint of cologne. Or maybe it was aftershave. He didn't look like he shaved at all, but if he did, it wasn't very often. He asked me if I was looking for anything, and his voice was so deep, so soothing and smooth...wow. If only I had the balls to kiss him right there in the store....

I was almost upset when Sam found me standing next to him, pretending to be looking for a sports jersey, and walked over to drag me off. It's not like I could put up too much resistance. I mean, I couldn't just say, "Slow down Sam, I'm trying to get a good look at his ass before we go." Somehow, I think he'd suspect something was up.

I was hoping that we'd run into some people that we knew from school, but we didn't. Too bad. It's weird, but there's something so...'satisfying' about being seen in public with your best friend and having a good time, you know? It's like this unspoken conversation that says, "I'm out here having fun too, just like you." It makes me feel like a link in the chain, a part of the popular culture that is 'the teenage life'. Unfortunately...there was only one person that I knew in the whole mall. Well, I can't really say that I KNEW him, and certainly couldn't say that he knew me...but he's been a part of me ever since I first 'discovered' him. The one and only Jamie Cross, of course. Believe it or not, this was one of those rare moments when I wasn't happy to see him there. I can't explain why...but it kinda depressed me, to be honest.

Sam and I were in the food court at the time, and we had split up to order our food from two different places. Well, Sam got to a table first, and I caught a eyefull of Jamie and some of his friends as I made my way over to join him. Instead of being overjoyed and lovey dovey and excited to see him, I felt naked. Just...weird, and helpless, and ugly. I didn't know Jamie was gonna be there! Why couldn't I have done something extra with my hair? Why couldn't I have dressed a little better? Everything felt wrong, and I just wanted to hide before he saw me. Not possible, since Sam decided to seat us out here way in the 'open' like this. If Jamie turned his head just a few degrees to his left, he would be able to spot me easily. And here I am, ugly, and unprepared, and unable to even SAY anything to him because Sam is right here 'supervising' everything about me that could even be remotely gay. I'm not saying that Jamie isn't still one of the most mouthwatering boys on the planet...I just wish I had a little bit of warning. That's all.

I tried to eat my food, I tried to keep up with Sam's conversation, I tried to concentrate on NOT staring over Sam's shoulder every few seconds to see what Jamie was doing. But I couldn't help it. I'm ADDICTED, you understand? I was sitting a good distance away from him, but could almost taste my tongue against his lips from there. GOD what I wouldn't do to kiss that boy, JUST once! I was so jealous of his friends! I mean, these people get to be in his presence all the time. They get to have Jamie notice them and accept them as a part of his world. They get to laugh with him, and know him, and touch him whenever they want to. Sometimes...I wonder if they know how damn sexy he is and how graced they are to even be in his presence. I would PAY to be that close to him! Look at him...those light ice blue eyes coming into clear view with nothing more than the cute little toss of his blond hair. Sometimes it really hurts to have him exist. I know that sounds strange, but it's the absolute truth. I ache for him in a way that I can't ever explain or understand. There's only one thing that I hate more than WANTING him soooooo bad....and that's the fact that it feels so good. It feels GOOD to lay your eyes on the one thing on this planet that can make your life seem like it finally has a single path and purpose. And that purpose is to acquire the love and passion of this one particular person, giving as much in return as you possibly can, for as long as you live. Sighhh....one of these days, I'm going to know better. I miss being sane.

There's nothing going on tonight, and Sam already came over and left after playing the games he bought this afternoon. So it looks like the rest of the night is going to be pretty empty. I suppose I COULD finish that report of mine...but let's be honest here...it's SATURDAY! I'll be damned if I'm caught doing homework on saturday. That's more of a Sunday thing. There's just something blasphemous about homework on a Saturday night, you know?

Anyway, later.

- Billy

- Sooooooo tired! Sunday was kind of a lazy day yesterday, so I didn't get back to working on that paper until about 9 o'clock last night. And MAN...that took a lot longer to do than I thought it would have. Geez! I suppose that's why they gave us two weeks to do it instead of three days. I stayed up until 2 am doing that paper, some of it so boring that it nearly put me to sleep three times. I didn't even make an entry for yesterday, but it's just as well. I wouldn't have had anything important to say anyway. I don't want to waste some good space in here.

I had the most UNBELIEVABLE dream about Brandon last night! Omigod, when I woke up, it was like, 'burned' into my mind. Forever. I could remember every detail. It was me and him, and we were talking to each other out in the park, but for some reason...our whole science class was there. They were spread out all over the place, kinda like a field trip or something, and Brandon was talking to me. He was smiling, and his hazel eyes were sparkling, and the wind was kinda lifting up his light brown hair from his forehead...it was just really cool, you know? Well, I start giggling again, and he whispered something that I can't quite remember. Then...he leaned over and kissed me. Brandon! The 'prettiest' boy in school! Hehehe! It was so WILD! The kiss was so delicate and gentle that I could barely feel it, one of those classic, heartbursting, 'dream kisses'. Then he leaned me back on the ground to kiss some more. But I remembered that we were out in the open and everyone could see us. So I told him to follow me to someplace else. We tried hiding behind a tree, which was still pretty much out in the open, and started kissing again, but someone came over, so we had to stop. We tried over by the monkey bars, but there were more people around us. We moved to go around the corner of this building, but there were people playing over there too. So, throughout the entire dream, we never found a place to make out, but we kept trying. And that was the most erotic part of the whole dream. Just knowing that he wanted to kiss ME! Just knowing that the second we got a place to be alone, that I'd be able to 'have' him. I liked that.

Well, the dream was interrupted somewhere in the middle, with me kissing him while kneeling down behind a parked car in the parking lot. Probably just waiting for another person to walk by and ruin our fun. When I woke up, my heart was racing, I was hard and ready to blow...spasming and one stroke away from a sticky mess, and breathing hard. But the weird thing is...all I could do is smile. Smile and absorb the exhilirating feeling of being fulfilled by something so unexpected, and yet so comfortable. My entire body was tingling. Even writing about it now, I feel waves of it surging through me. Even NOW I'm smiling! I only saw Brandon in science class today, and thankfully, he didn't say anything much to me outsde of hello and some small talk. I doubt I'd be able to handle much more.

So...Brandon has now joined the 'wet dream' club. Weird. But I suppose that's what I get for staring into his eyes the other day. I like him, I really do.

Jimmy took another day off today. Either that...or he's been laying so low that I didn't even know that he was in school. So I didn't have a chance to put my generous 'act of kindness' into effect. I'll have to wait until he comes out of hiding before I can show him a bit of friendly sympathy. Hopefully soon. I hope he doesn't think it's THAT bad, you know? Because it really isn't.

I'm gonna get some sleep tonight, so I'm off. Take it easy! Later!

- Billy