The Secret Life of Billy Chase - 32. Chapter 32

-The house is so quiet right now. I'm not here all by myself, my parents are here. But it's dead silent anyway. They're hardly speaking at all, and when they do, it sounds like they're whispering. As though keeping quiet was going to somehow make me feel better. Everytime I leave my room, they look at me. Not just a normal look, but one of...I don't know...worry. They seem so 'artificial' to me all of the sudden. Completely alien. Where was all of this excessive attention when they were fighting over who moved the remote control for the tv last? Grown ups are so weird sometimes.

I've been staring at stuff a lot today. Not thinking about anything really...just staring off into space, and letting my mind exist in an empty limbo for a few short periods of time. A part of me is still reeling from Jimmy's actions, but more than that, I think I was just curious as to what it feels like. Being at the crossroads between life and death like that...and having to make that choice all on your own. You feel so invinceable, so untouchable, until you see concrete proof of how fragile we all really are. And that's when you get scared, because you know that it could have just as easily have been you...if the circumstances were just 'wrong' enough to drive you to it. I don't want these thoughts anymore.

I talked to AJ today on the phone. Joanna didn't even bother to call this morning and ask to make plans for the mall. She must have seen the look in my eyes yesterday, telling her that I wasn't going. But after making some actual progress with him last week, I didn't want to screw things up by ditching him again. I was nervous, maybe even terrified, but I found myself dialing the number. I took a deep breath, and actually was able to speak when I heard his sweet voice on the other end. I had to apologize for not showing up at the mall today, but he was never one to lay a guilt trip on me. So he told me not to even mention it, and asked how I was doing.

I don't know what made me tell him. After the preparation that I made to sound somewhat normal on the phone and not let on how emotionally wrecked I was at that moment...it all let go the second he asked how I felt. My eyes began to tear up instantly, and the sniffles set in shortly after. By the time I had the breath to tell him what had happened to Jimmy, there was no use in hiding the emotion anymore, and I just let it run free for a bit while trying to talk to him about it. I know that I had to sound like some kind of psycho to him...but he was actually pretty understanding about it. I cried....he listened. His voice was so soothing, so calming, and it just put me at ease knowing that he wasn't silently rolling his eyes at my sudden outburst of misery. "It's ok, keep going. Tell me everything." He said. God....he was so gentle in dealing with me. He understood. And he just listened. REALLY listened. For an entire hour, I bawled and babbled and released some of that built up pressure inside of me that was ready to explode any moment. It felt SO good to let some of that tension roll off of my shoulders and wash it away with some much needed tears. AJ made me feel a LOT better. And all he had to do was listen.

"Do you want me to come over or something?" He asked. To be honest, that part of the conversation scared me a little bit. My parents were home, and AJ...while being cute and sweet and awesome in every possible way...he was kind of..um...'gay'. The kinda gay you could tell from looking at him, or listening to him. Having him come over and meet my mom and dad and then disappear into a room with him so I could cry on his shoulder would be a big piece of the sexuality puzzle that I didn't want my parents to have just yet. I know, I know. That's just STUPID! But I'm trying to deal with one big problem at a time.

So I told him, "No thanks. But I really REALLY appreciate you taking the time to talk to me. I know I must sound pretty freaky right now." And he giggled a little bit and told me I was 'cute' when I was being freaky. "You think I'm cute whenever I do ANYTHING!" I said. And you know what he said in return?

"This is true." That's what he said. I felt myself smiling a bit, and a ticklish infatuated sensation ran throughout my entire body. I chuckled a bit outloud, and blushed as he asked me, "So....will I get to see you next weekend?"

"Um...ok. I can come next weekend...I suppose." I was so nervous, but I did it anyway, and I agreed to meet him next weekend. Hopefully I'll have my head straight by then. I'll FORCE myself to have my head straight by then. And then...he asked me if he could give me a kiss over the phone! A KISS! Omigod...I was turning so PURPLE at that moment, and giggled a bit to myself as my chest inflated to twice its normal size. "Um....yeah....you can kiss me if you want." I said bashfully, my hand cupped over the phone and almost whispering just in case one of my parents overheard me talking from outside my door. And then he DID it! He gave me a big, loud, almost comical smooch on the phone, and then said goodight! When I hung up that phone, I was on cloud nine again. AJ was so adorable when he wanted to be. He had the power to lift my spirits with the simplest of words, and not many people can do that. Not like he can. He's so SWEET!

I'm going to bed. I feel bad...SO bad...about being all lovey dovey over AJ while Jimmy was in a hospital somewhere, wishing he was gone. But both sides of my emotions were fighting for attention, and the tug of war was getting tiresome on his side of the rope. Gee...reading that back, that's an awful thing to say. I guess I should just end this entry before it gets even worse. Later.

-Billy

- Mom looks at me like I'm crazy these past few days. Like there's something wrong with me. She's nice, and is constantly petting my hair or giving me a kiss on the forehead. The kind of treatment you give a boy that has to be told that he's contracted a bad flesh eating virus. It's creepy. My dad has been doing it too, but he mostly just tries to make small talk, which I find more amusing than anything else. It's not natural for him to really take an interest in my day. Besides, what could I tell him? 'Hey Dad, guess what? I stared at Jamie Cross' sexy naked thighs for a half hour while he was in gym?' It doesn't make for good dinner conversation, that's for sure. My parents have suddenly decided to keep an eye on me, and I'm planning to stay away from the house as much as possible to keep from feeling like a boy in a bubble. They ask me questions they never asked, they look in on me everytime I'm quiet for more than five minutes, they tiptoe around the house like I can't hear them...it's driving me mad. All I know is that I don't want them to look at me like that anymore. I want them to think I'm ok. I AM ok. I think I'm handling this pretty well...'considering'.

It really did help to talk to AJ about it. It did wonders for me. Besides, without the tears and the babbling, I doubt I would have known what to talk to him about. I doubt I would have had the courage to talk much at all. It still surprises me how well he took me crying like a five year old. Even while I was talking, I was soooo scared that this would be the last time he talked to me. That he'd want to change his phone number, and regret ever giving it to me in the first place. But he understood, and he was there for me. almost wanted to call him again. I was actually addicted to the sound of his voice now that we had spoken at length. And I wanted another one f those kisses too. I swear, I nearly giggled myself to sleep last night thinking about that smooch. He's so cute, can't imagine what I would have done if he had kissed me in real life. I probably would have exploded.

But, I chickened out in the long run. For GOOD reasons though! It's not so much that I was scared...I just didn't wanna come off as some kind of insane whiner or something. Nor did I want to appear to be stalking him, letting my obsessions grow into something that turns me into some kinda dangerous weirdo. So I held off. But I'm NOT being a coward this time. I promise.

I heard somebody mention the name of the hospital that Jimmy was staying at on Friday, so today I got online and looked it up. Directions and all. I now know how to get there. But I'm not even sure that people are allowed to see him yet. I don't know if they have rules on that or not. I'd love to find out though. There's gotta be a way to talk to him. Then again...what would I say to him? I mean...what if he blames me for what happened? What if he's right? How can I look at Jimmy and try to be 'friendly' when I know what he did? I know I have to see him eventually, but it's going to take some courage. And I don't have much of that right now....not concerning him. But at least I know where he is. That's a start.

Geez! My dad is lightly knocking at my door for, like, the 100th time tonight!!! I'm gonna end this here until I can get some peace and quiet. Later.

-Billy

- I'm listening to one of the cds Jimmy gave me a few weeks ago, wondering if he meant them to be a final parting gift before leaving. I thought back to his smile when I first went over to his house, and the way he grinned sometimes when I saw him in the halls. But then...I also remembered seeing him staring at himself in that bathroom mirror. His sad reflection daring him to cry in front of his 'crush'....me. I thought about how he looked when he first told me he was gay. And how he said, "Do't worry, I figured you'd take it like that." What did he mean by that? He figured that I'd turn him down, or that I'd reject him? Did he think I was mad at him? Did he think that I was ashamed of him or something? I thought back to him tellng me how good it was going to feel to be "gone", and how "Things are almost 'over'"....every word came back to me, and I mentally kicked myself for not letting any of it fucking SINK in when I had the chance! But...despite all my detective work made in hindsight...nothing could take it back. Not now. I can only be happy that he didn't succeed.

I think about this way too much. I just want to distance myself from this for a while.

In school today, I saw Brandon and he asked if maybe I was up for that phone call that we had talked about earlier. I didn't see any harm in it actually. I thin talking to Brandon would be really fun. Besides, I think I can stop from being a blithering idiot this time around. So I agreed. He seemed happy, but his smile faded, and he asked me if I remembered the note he gave me a while back. I actually didn't at first. Then he says, "You know...the one about coming between you and Sam?" And it clicked.

So I said, "Ohhh, yeah! I remember."

And he tells me, "Well, I really meant that, ok? I can understand why he wouldn't want me hanging around you and stuff. So I just...I wanna be a friend. Ok? I just like taling to you, Billy." Um...I had no idea what the heck he was talking about at that moment. He 'understands' why Sam doesn't want him hanging around? And what reason was THAT? I swear, nobody makes sense anymore. Anyway, he's gonna call me tomorrow, because he's going out to dinner for his grandfather's birthday tonight. But I'm looking forward to it. Brandon is just....he's incredible, you know? In such a subtle way that you really have no choice but to have it sneak up on you and take you over before you know what hit you. Just the thoughts of him makes me smile sometimes. Even now. I like that.

Joanna was a bit frisky today, and it caught me off guard. All through lunch, she was all kissing me on the neck and my face and occassionally pecks on my lips. It was almost like she was 'showing me off' or something today. Then she leaned over to sit with me, cheek to cheek...and that makes it REALLY hard to eat! Believe me! So it made for an awkward, although highly lovable, lunch period. My body still reacts to her as though she were a boy. I still feel my pulse race, my boner get hard, my breath get short. My body's bells and whistles go off and I'm all ready to go. But my heart and mind keep stopping me from truly enjoying it on another level. You know? That level where I feel goofy and weightless with NO sex at all. It's the hardest feeling in the world to figure out, but I guess I'm stuck with it for now.

Ok...I have a confession to make before I go. I kinda...was masturbating this afternoon....and I thought about kissing Jimmy when I came. Is that wrong? That's probably a sick thing to admit, isn't it? Well...I did. It was just a last minute, strange thought type of thing that popped into my head at the last second right before I erupted. That's all. Okaaaay....I need to scratch this part out or something. I'm not a well person.

-Billy