The Secret Life of Billy Chase - 40. Chapter 40

- I'm always looking a myself in the mirror to see if I'm any different than I was yesterday. It doesn't really show on my face that I've had sex, but it kinda feels like people can tell anyway. Sometimes, if I think about it hard enough....it's like I can still feel his mouth on me. I can still feel the suction of his wet lips around me...and I nearly fall over. I was blushing all through dinner last night, tonight being TWICE as bad, and keep popping boners every five minutes just thinking about it. I had to pretty much lock myself in my room to keep my parents from noticing that anything was weird. My whole body feels loose, and weightless. Like I just got a full body massage and have been laying out in the summer sun all afternoon. Everything tingled and tickled, and I couldn't even touch my own arm without having it arouse me to the point where I wanted to jack off again. I FEEL different, but I know it doesn't show. That's too bad...because I kinda want it to show.

I had this creepy urge to suddenly talk to everybody I knew today. Just to let some of this excess joy burn off a little bit before I floated away and couldn't come back down. I called Sam first, and for the first time in forever, we had a comfortable conversation. It was like...we were laughing again. Just hearing his smile over the phone, getting that genuine feeling of friendship sweeping over us like it used to when we were kids, it felt really good inside. I almost wanted to tell him I was sorry. Just...to say that I didn't mean to blame him for what Jimmy tried to do to himself. And....to sorta let him know that I was happy that we were friends again. But...I didn't. I dunno, I just didn't wanna jinx this awesome conversation for the sake of bringing up a bad vibe somewhere in the middle of it. So I let it go. And Sam even told me that I sounded super happy, and said he was busy with his mom today but we should go to the hill again sometime. We hadn't been to the hill in over a month together. That would be great. I miss him.

I tried to call Brandon, but unfortunately his big sister told me that he was out doing stuff. So I missed my chance to drool over my sweetie today. But that's ok, it's always much better to drool over him in person anyway.

I called Joanna up on the phone next, and felt that I owed her a nice long conversation. To kinda make up for being a jerk Saturday and not hanging out with everybody. That's the thing with 'activities', you know? Whenever you miss one, there's like this 'hole' left behind, and you're kinda forced to fill it in with even more free time than you had planned to put into it anyway. By not hanging out once, you create this social 'debt' with people, and they always come to collect it when you're really busy or just want to relax. So it's better I get it overwith now. Besides, despite it all, Joanna was a sweet girl, and I relly DID enjoy her company. I know it sounds like I'm always complaining, but it's never been an issue of her 'bothering' me or anything. I've just been doing stuff for me, and that's different than....being there so someone else can benefit from my company. That doesn't sound right, but I'll leave it here. I'll figure it out later. The point is, we talked.

I also got an email back from Lee today. And you know something? Even his EMAILS are cute! Is that crazy or what? It's hard to explain how an email can be cute...but that's exactly how I see it. Whenever I read what he says, I can, like, hear his voice and see his gestures and facial expressions. I can feel the tone of his every word, and it's adorable. I smiled the whole time I was reading it. He wants to hang out sometime, just the two of us. And I said "Sure!" Because I'd love to be alone with him for a while, if for no other reason than to watch his sweet lips move when he talks to me. Hehehe, he's so damn cute, I can't stand it!

I also made sure to call Jimmy and tell him that I was coming to see him on Tuesday. After missing last Sunday, I didn't want him thinking that I didn't wanna see him or anything. So we talked briefly, only for like 15 minutes or so. He seemed really happy to hear from me. And he told me that there's a cute doctor there that's totally like...30 years old or something...but Jimmy thinks he's hot. He's married though, so he's straight, but Jimmy likes him anyway. I swear, hearing him talk openly about another guy...it was like the most natural and normal conversation I'd ever had with him. It must be so cool to just say what's on your mind and not worry about slipping up somewhere. Revealing any secrets that you don't want in the open. I hope I get to see what that's like someday.

Anyway, I've gotta cram for my history test tomorrow. I was supposed to be studying all weekend, but fuck that! I had SEX!!!! (Sort of) And I'd GLADLY take an "F" in History....as long as I get an "A" in fellatio! Get it? That's what they call a blowjob! I looked it up online! :)

Gotta go, later!

-Billy

- Oh my dear God....I DID it!!! I can't believe that I had the guts to actually say the words, but I DID it!!! I wasn't going to call AJ for a couple of days, but I couldn't wait any longer. I was dreaming about him every second of the day, and I just couldn't take any more. So I called him this afternoon before my mom got home, and he picked up the phone! He actually started talking to me by saying, "Hey Tastey Boy!" Oh wow...he thinks I'm TASTEY!!! And he would know better than anybody! I was sooooo wiggly after he said that!

We talked for a while. Actually, HE talked about his day at school, and I kinda nervously giggled and blushed, hoping that he wouldn't think that I was being a total dork on the phone. But the whole time, I was thinking about him sucking me, and me wanting to suck him, and how awesome it was to feel his tongue in my mouth...I was, like, OBSSESSED with the idea of it! And I kinda started thinking about how much he meant to me, and how much I wanted to be with him, and how badly I wish we were in each other's arms right then and there....and I couldn't stop squirming. So finally he asked me to say something constructive, and I laughed a little bit. Then I told him, "Nah. I'm thinking...but it's stupid."

And he's all, "What?"

And I'm all, "Nothing!"

And he goes, "WHAT???" again.

So I take a deep breath, and I can't believe I'm ready to do this. I'm literally shaking from head to toe, and my heart is beating so hard that I can see my shirt moving. But I said it! I said his full name first, almost like I was proposing or something, and I paused for a second...and then I said, "I....love you." I was SO scared!!! I was terrified that he'd laugh at me or tell me to get lost once the words left my mouth.

But here's the KILLER!!! He said..."I love you too, Billy." SIGHHHHHHHHHH........omigod......wow oh wow oh wow!!!! I don't even know what to DO with myself right now!!! He loves me, and I love him, and everytime I said it outloud, he'd giggle, and I'd get like thi full body orgasm in my heart! It was amazing! I'm never gonna forget this feeling as long as I live! Not EVER!!!

I can barely remember if anything else happened today that was of any relevance. Everything seemed so trivial in comparison. Even that History test, which I'm sure I did poorly on, but I should have at least slid by with a "D". I'll keep my fingers crossed. Oh, and Joanna wasn't nearly as touchy feely today as she usually was. I found it a bit odd. Because I liked having her touch me sometimes, and I liked touching her too. But she didn't seem really angry or anything. Just....less interested. I thought that maybe my mistreatment of her over the past two Saturdays wasn't the best it could be. I felt bad. She didn't deserve that. So I offered to take her to a movie on Friday, hoping that we could be close again. And she said that'd be cool. So we made a date, she picks the movie, and it'll be a good time. And if I can get more kissing out of it, then awesome! Hehehe!

I'm going to write Lee a long email before I got to bed tonight. So I guess I should end this here. You know, the thought occassionally crosses my mind that maybe I can tell Lee about me being gay. It's strange, and I don't know why it seems to just pop into my head out of nowhere at all, but he's such a sweetheart that I'm sure he'd understand. More importantly, I think he'd be able to keep it a secret. I doubt I'm going to put it in the email I'm writing tonight, but I'm kinda wondering if he'll be the first person I 'come out' to. Or...is AJ the first? I think that's different. Ah, who knows? Either way, chances are I'll chicken out. But the idea is in the back of my mind for further review. That's for sure.

Gotta run! Later!

-Billy

- It doesn't make sense. None of it does. I don't get it. As happy as I have been lately, I feel more scared right now than I ever have before in my LIFE! Scared, and hurt.....and just...ANGRY!

I went to see Jimmy in the hospital today, smiling all the way. I went to just have a good time. I never thought I'd leave with this feeling in the pt of my stomach. If I had known, I wouldn't have gone at all. I'd rather not have known.

Now the question is...what do I do about it? Do you know what Jimmy told me today? I come in to see him, we're sitting on his bed and just talking. He's been getting some reading done, and even has been doing some creative writing of his own. Hehehe, he had to sneak a nurse's pencil into his room while she wasn't looking. It was kinda funny, because he made it sound like such a clandestine mission. Anyway...we were talking, and giggling, and everything was FINE. He was happy, you know? Happier than I've ever seen him, anyway. I had read up on some stuff about suicide from one of my Health class books, and we kinda went through it. Not to be 'morbid' or anything...just to know. And I told him how only 11 out of 100,000 boys our age try to committ suicide. And how only one is successful out of 300. Which I thought was kinda comforting, because it seems like such a small number, and I didn't want to believe that Jimmy would be that 'one' sad case. It just didn't seem like something real. Did you know that abuse during childhood makes you 3 to 4 times more likely to become suicidal as a teen or an adult? Especially if that abuse is sexual? And 30% of all suicides are homosexuals? Yeah...so I kinda told him that too. I had all of these stupid notes written down in my notebook, and I took them over there to maybe make him feel....I dunno...different, I guess. About the whole suicide thing. I suppose....that was all just a waste of my time.

While we were talking, Jimmy told me that he found out that it costs THOUSANDS of dollars to have a funeral. Which seems kinda silly, considering that you're just putting a box in the ground. That's just plain robbery. So, Jimmy tells me, "I can't believe that shit! You know, if my mom sells everything in my room, she'll barely be able to afford to have me cremated."

And I said, "You wanna be cremated?"

And HE says, "Not really...but it's cheaper, don't you think? I mean, I just wanna make it easy on her when I'm gone." And the more he talked about it, the less this became a hypothetical situation. He kept saying things like 'WHEN I'm gone', and 'AFTER it's finished', and it got to me, so I asked him why he was talking about that stuff...and he just kinda looked at me as though I was supposed to understand. Like I was some blind idiot for not knowing all of this ahead of time. And he tells me, "For when I...'do it'. You know." But I DIDN'T know, and I didn't understand! What the fuck is THIS?!?!?! So I ask him to make sure I'm not just being paranoid here, but he just says, "Billy...I'm sorry. I thought you understood."

And I'm like, "Understood WHAT???" And I didn't wanna panic or anything, but I could feel this ice cold chill fill up inside my chest, and I was horrified at what he was telling me.

"Billy..." He says to me, almost whispering, "...I'm still gonna kill myself. I thought you knew that."

And I'm about to fall out of my chair, and I almost scream at him. "What are you TALKING about?!?!?! WHY???" And he tells me how nothing's changed, and he's just waiting to be released from the hospital so he can do it again. So I say, "But what's wrong? I thought you were HAPPY! You're smiling and laughing...things are good!"

But Jimmy tells me that things are ALWAYS good when you don't have to get out of bed in the morning. And then he tells me, "Me having some fun in my last days doesn't mean that anything has changed from before. They HATE me, Billy. Everyone hates me. I'm gay, I have NO love in my life whatsoever, every friend I've ever had is just waiting to move on to better things, my mother thinks I'm a freak now...and to top it all off, the whole school knows I tried to kill myself already. The only thing I have to look forward to is the same cycle of pain that I've been living with for the past year and a half. Maybe even worse." THEN he has the nerve to tell me, "I wasn't meant to be one of the happy peole, Billy. I see everybody else happy and it never happens to me. And when it does, it's only so it can give me a small sense of hope so it can hurt more later."

I wanted to shake him, and hit him, and shout at him until he got a fucking clue! But he was taking this so lightly. It was like his mind had been made up a long time ago. "This doesn't make ANY sense to me at all!" I tell him.

And he says, "I know that you came to see me and things were all grins and giggles...but I NEVER intended to change the plan. Never. I have been working this out in my head for a long time now, and I WANT to die, Billy. I'm tired of this shit. I'm soooo tired. And I just can't do it anymore. You have no idea how much I've been hurting lately. I tried....I really tried y hardest, you have to believe me. But people suck. They hurt you, they spit on you, they abandon you...their selfish, and lazy, and cruel...they'd stab a knife in your back and twist it without even losing the smile YOU worked so hard to put on their face. Everybody just thinks about themselves and their own happiness and don't care who they hurt in the process. Don't you understand? I'm not like that. I'm not like everybody else...and I don't belong here. My heart gets run over every single day by people who only care about how THEY feel. And I can't be a part of that anymore. So I'm leaving. For good."

I think I must have spent an hour or more trying to talk some sense into him, but he had a fucking answer for everything! If I suggested he move to another school, he told me he'd have the same problems. If I told him he'd fall in love, he told me that he'd just get his heart broken. If I told him that things would get better, he said that by the time they did he'd be so dead and destroyed inside he probably wouldn't care. I couldn't believe that I actually had to CONVINCE somebody to care about their own survival. But nothing I said worked. Nothing. In fact, he got annoyed at me even taling about it anymore and wanted me to leave because I wouldn't leave it alone. He just...he can't do this! He says nobody gives a shit, but *I* give a shit! I tried to tell him that, but of course...he had another answer. He said that I only want him to live because of how his suicide would affect ME. Because I only care about being freaked out about it, and not about him. Well what the FUCK kinda sense does THAT make??? I'm SO lost right now!!!

I had to leave the hospital eventually, but I'm so MAD at Jimmy that I don't knowwhat to do! How could he do this? WHY? Why can't he just believe that things will get better? Why does he want to die so fucking bad? My life isn't perfect, but I don't wanna DIE! It's not fair! Not to anybody! If anything, HE'S the one that's being selfish! Now that I look at it...things are happening just like they did last time. He's getting all happy and giggly again, his eyes are sparkling like he's got the answers to every question he ever had...and soon...he'll be gone. And I can't do anything to stop it! I have to talk to him some more! I HAVE to!!! I'm gonna go right back up there tomorrow and make it my mission to be there. Whether Jimmy likes it or not! Fuck his precious little 'plan', I'm not going to lose a friend. Not like that.

I'm going to bed. I've already been angry enough to almost put my fist through a window. And I've already sat in a corner and cried over how helpless this all feels to me. But hopefully, I'll be able to do something. I just...I wanna 'save' him, you know? Jimmy's a good guy, he really is. It's just....hard to defend the world when it's such a shitty place to sensitive people with a soft heart. That's all.

I hope I can sleep. I'm still shaking.

- Billy