Commencement - 3. The Resurrection of Billy Roberts

I pissed the bed.

Yep, I’m a seventeen-year-old kid and I fucking pissed the bed last night… Again! God, I was so fucking pissed off! My dad used to say better pissed off than pissed on, well, I took care of both of those in one night!

It was the night before school started. Senior year. I was so not ready to go back to school. Somehow through all of my troubles I’d managed to keep my perfect grades. I don’t know how. I guess my school wasn’t challenging enough. That was probably true. It wasn’t exactly a bastion of learning excellence. If things kept going as they were, I had a shot at valedictorian. The only problem was I was caught in a three-way tie at the top of the class. I couldn’t have asked for two more perfect people to be my rivals for academic superiority. One was super-bitch Sarah Taylor, the daughter of the school board president, head cheerleader, future student body president, and general pain in my ass since grade school. My dick was about the only one she hadn’t sucked or ridden in my class. She was such a slut! It was no wonder she won every election at our school. She probably won every male vote in the place. I mean, yeah, she was pretty and she put out, but that was no reason to hand her everything she wanted in her life. I wondered just how much of her success had to do with her work in class and how much had to do with her work on her knees. There were even rumors that she’d fucked a couple of the teachers, but you know how rumors get started in a small town.

The other contender for the valedictorian’s crown was my arch-nemesis, Joey McKenzie. That’s right, my boyfriend’s secret half-brother, the boy who I’d humiliated when I revealed his plans to have his girlfriend get an abortion, the boy who I’d punched in the face, the son of the man who had threatened to destroy my life if I ever revealed that he was my boyfriend’s father… That was who I was tied with, neck and neck, for valedictorian. Joey hadn’t been much trouble for me through my junior year like he had been in the past. Ever since his dad had threatened me if I ever told anybody about him being Brett’s father, Joey had pretty much left me alone. As much as Joey hated me, he was more terrified of his father. Jack McKenzie had told me that Joey wouldn’t be a problem for me as long as I kept quiet, and sure enough that had been the case. It was all the more reason to keep the secret to myself. If Joey was so afraid of his father that he would abandon his favorite pastime of torturing me, I knew he wasn’t somebody I wanted to piss off. The relative peace had allowed me to excel in school even with all the shit that was going on in my personal life.

But they were going to screw me somehow. The school board president’s daughter and the school board solicitor’s son versus the son of a nobody? I was totally going to get screwed, and not in the good way. It was just a matter of time. When things got tight, if it looked like I was going to win, they would screw me. They had to. I was poor white trash, and worse, I was gay. They were the cream of the crop, I was a queer. It was only natural that they would not only beat me, but screw me to do it.

Showers took about twice the time they used to since my hair had gotten so long. I was beginning to forget what it was like to have short hair. It had been a few years since my last haircut. To be honest, I was ready to chop it off. It was getting annoying to maintain. But mom was constantly “suggesting” that I should cut it, and that was the main reason I kept it so long. It was one thing that she couldn’t control about my life, and it was driving her crazy. It seemed like cutting it would be letting her win. I was tired of losing on every front with her. I didn’t want much. I just wanted to be with my boyfriend and not have every aspect of my life ruled by someone else.

Was that too much to ask?

Another problem with having really long hair was that it took forever to dry. It was still wet by the time I gathered up my stuff and met Brett in the driveway to go to school. I was so happy when Brett got a car and could drive us to school instead of riding the bus. It made things so much easier. No senior wanted to be seen riding the school bus. Brett had done so much better in eleventh grade than he ever had in school before. I think the main reason was because he stopped getting half-assed tutoring from me, which was honestly just an excuse for us to have sex. He was seeing a real honest-to-god reading expert, who was helping him to overcome his dyslexia and really learn how to read for the first time in his life. Now he was almost never seen without a book in his hands. It was kind of cute to watch him rapidly devour all of the books he could find, everything from Dr. Seuss to “The Hobbit,” books I’d read years ago. When Brett used his hyperactivity for good, there was no limit to the good things he might be able to achieve. It was like whole new worlds had opened up for him, worlds in which he didn’t really need me anymore. I felt like I was becoming part of his past, just something that he’d kept around to not hurt my feelings but that he’d grown out of, like an old pair of comfortable sneakers.

“Ready for a new year, dude?” he asked as I slipped into the passenger seat next to him.

“As ready as I’m going to be,” I replied. I’d just left the house and already felt like going to the bathroom again. I wanted to go back to bed.

“Okay, we’ve just got one more stop to make and we’ll be on our way,” Brett said.

It was always an adventure to ride along with Brett when he drove. He wasn’t as easily distracted as he used to be, but he was still ADHD. You could never get too used to whatever was on the radio when he drove, even if it was a song he liked.

“Ugh… ‘The Reason,’” Brett groaned. “I mean, Hoobastank was never good, but now they just reek.” He began flipping through the stations until he found some AC/DC. I don’t know what song it was, all AC/DC sounds the same, and I’d never hear the whole song with Brett in control of the music.

“Dirty deeds… Done dirt cheap!” Brett sang along with the song. He leaned closer to me and whispered as the song got quieter. “Dirty deeds and they’re done dirt cheap…”

Then he changed the station again.

It looked like Brett was going to drive past Dustin’s house, and I could see him outside in front of his house, waiting for the bus. I never expected Brett to pull up next to him, and then for Dustin to jump into the backseat of Brett’s car as if they had planned the moment ahead of time!

“What’s up, dude?” Brett asked, offering Dustin his hand. Dustin grabbed hold of Brett’s hand and they shook. I was still getting over the shock.

“Let’s do this!” Dustin replied. The tires on Brett’s car spun and kicked gravel behind us as he peeled out of Dustin’s place. I couldn’t believe it. The two of them were chatting like old friends as Brett drove us toward the school. I just sat there quietly as I tried to process what was happening. I never in a million years thought I would see the two of them behaving like civilized adults with each other, let alone Brett freely giving Dustin a ride to school in his car.

Brett pulled into the student parking lot and the three of us exited the vehicle. Dustin ran into some old friends of his from the baseball team and quickly sprinted off with them, leaving Brett and me to talk as we walked toward the school together.

“You’re awfully quiet this morning,” Brett said.

“I just… I don’t know what to say. I never thought I’d see the two of you acting like that.”

“Like what?” Brett asked.

“Like… civilized people.”

Brett laughed. “Dude, we’re not stupid little kids anymore fighting over who gets to be your friend. We’re seniors now. Don’t you think it’s time to quit acting like little bitches?”

“I just… I’m kind of shocked. How did you even plan to have him ride with us?”

“I used this revolutionary device called a telephone, which allows people to talk to each other and make plans without even being in the same building together. You should try it sometime.”

“You called him?”

“No, I had to have my mommy dial the numbers. Of course I called him!”

“Wow… I… I’m just really impressed. I guess I thought you’d hate each other forever.”

“Things change, dude. I mean, the guy almost died in my living room. We don’t want to live in the past anymore. This is a new year. I figure, if I can make peace with Dustin anything is possible. Besides, he’s a pretty cool guy. Why didn’t you ever tell me he was so nice?”

“I don’t know what’s even real anymore,” I replied, smiling. I couldn’t believe it, but I liked it. Maybe Brett was right? Maybe anything really was possible?

Well, school was school. I liked my schedule. The school was trying something new that year, and home rooms were arranged by last names, instead of by academic level. So, I was in the same homeroom as Brett, Dustin, and Bobby Rush, and also with Sarah Taylor. But thankfully, for the first time since elementary school I didn’t have to share a homeroom with Joey McKenzie. Homerooms had lunch and some classes like gym together, so I could look forward to seeing Brett a lot more in school than I used to. Brett had progressed out of many of his remedial classes and was taking regular classes for almost all of his subjects. Dustin would be joining me in my advanced classes. There was never a time when I wouldn’t have some friend of mine in class with me, which made things so much more tolerable than my junior year when it seemed like I was always alone.

Most of my classmates were dismayed when they found out that Miss Winston was assigned to teach our advanced biology class, but I was happy about it. Miss Winston was one of my favorite teachers, and I had missed not having a class with her in my junior year. It just seemed like junior year had been some kind of bizarre nightmare and I was finally waking up to find that I was a senior. I didn’t even mind that Miss Winston had assigned me to work with Sarah Taylor when she divided the class into pairs to work on our first assignment of the year.

“You know, in all the years we’ve been in school, I think this is the first time we’ve been assigned to work together, Billy,” she said as we sat down next to each other to begin the project.

“Yeah, weird since we’re always in the same classes,” I replied.

“It seems like we live in two different worlds even though we go to the same school.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not exactly Mr. Popularity.”

“That’s only because you’re so quiet.”

“Oh trust me, it’s better when I don’t talk. The more I talk the more I piss people off,” I replied.

“I don’t believe that. You’ve always seemed like a nice boy. We’ve been in almost every class together for twelve years and I think this is the most we’ve ever said to each other. I feel like I don’t even know anything about you.”

“That’s kind of the way I like it,” I said.

“Just trying to fly under the radar?”

“Yeah, if I could just be invisible, that would be great.”

“I can’t argue with that. You probably think I like all the attention I get, having everybody know everything about me and what I’m doing.”

“Don’t you?”

“Would you like for everybody in the school to think you’re a big slut who would sleep with anybody?”

“I… I guess that would suck.”

“You don’t have to guess, I can just tell you. It sucks. It also sucks to have everybody think that everything in life is just handed to you because of who your parents are. I didn’t ask to be the daughter of the school board president. I’ve worked hard for what I’ve earned. No one handed me anything, and if they did, I wouldn’t want it.”

“Really?” I asked. “God, I wouldn’t care. I’d love to have someone working behind the scenes pulling the strings to get me something I didn’t have to work like a dog for.”

“Is that what you think my dad does for me?” she asked.

“Well, you don’t have to worry about getting suspended for three days when someone tries to bully you,” I replied.

“I don’t think anyone would get suspended for that,” Sarah replied. It was then I realized that she didn’t even remember that she had once gotten me suspended from school. It just made me hate her more. I wasn’t even a blip on her radar. I wondered if she cared about anyone but herself and her own problems.

However, she was an excellent lab partner. Despite us spending much of our time in meaningless chit chat, we still finished our assignment ten minutes before anyone else, and it was done perfectly. It just made me even more pissed off that I could work so well with someone so vile. I didn’t have to like her to respect her intellect. I just hoped that she would maybe respect me a little more after our conversation, but it was more likely that she’d forget my name by the end of class.

At the end of the day, I walked with Brett and Dustin back to the car. I saw Sarah walking nearby with some of her friends. She looked right at me, but it was like she was looking through me at someone else. Nothing had changed.

“You guys want to stop somewhere to get something to eat?” Brett asked.

“I’m broke,” Dustin replied.

“Me too,” I said.

“That’s okay. It’ll be my treat,” Brett insisted.

He drove us to my favorite restaurant, Janet’s Diner. We got a table and Bobby’s mom took our order. Brett told her that it would all be on one check.

“You don’t have to pay for my food,” Dustin said.

“I know. It’s a special occasion. We’re celebrating your return to the outskirts of nowhere.”

“Gee, thanks,” Dustin replied.

“So, you going to try out for basketball and baseball?” Brett asked.

“I don’t know… Baseball brings back a lot of bad memories.”

“Yeah, but you were good,” Brett said. “The team could compete for states with you on the team.”

“Yeah, but I haven’t swung a bat in almost two years.”

“It wouldn’t matter that much. Dude, you have talent that other guys would kill for. You have the best pure swing of anybody I’ve ever seen. You led the league in batting average as a freshman. You would have set all kinds of records if you could have played all four years. You have a gift. That kind of talent doesn’t disappear in a year or two.”

“When did you become the school’s sports recruiter?” I asked.

“You don’t want to see us win this year?” Brett asked.

“I don’t care,” I said.

“No shit,” Brett replied. “You don’t care about anything.”

“Are we seriously going to start this again? Look, Brett. I just had the best day of school I’ve had in a year. Okay? Don’t start with me. Don’t ruin it.”

“Guys, it’s okay…” Dustin tried.

“Butt out,” I snapped at him. “No one cares what you think.”

“Don’t talk to him like that!” Brett scolded me. “Why do you have to be such a dick?”

“I’m not being a dick,” I insisted. “I just want to eat my fucking food without being harassed about my stupid fucking attitude. I actually felt good for the first time in a year today and now you totally fucking ruined it.”

“How did I ruin anything? I just want you to not be a fucking asshole for one goddamn minute so we can enjoy one goddamn lunch together! For fuck’s sake, Billy! Don’t be a fucking bitch!”

I was about to unload on Brett when Janet arrived at our table with our order.

“Boys, I don’t want to have to remind you again to play nice. Cut out that swearing or you’ll be eating in the parking lot.”

“Sorry, Mrs. Rush,” Brett said quickly.

“Sorry…” I mumbled. “Whatever…”

We ate our food quietly. About five minutes later, Brett mumbled under his breath, “You were being a dick.”

“Suck it, Reilly,” I replied.

I felt bad for Dustin. He looked like a hostage stuck there with us. After dinner, we made our way back to the car for an even quieter car ride. Brett dropped Dustin off at his house first, leaving us alone together. I knew that Brett was an expert at the silent treatment, so I decided to get the ball rolling before he dropped me off at my house without us having settled things.

“Look,” I said. “I’m sorry I was a dick. I am trying to be better.”

“It doesn’t seem like it. It doesn’t feel like you want to get better at all. I think you like being miserable. I just… I miss what we used to have together. You know? It seems like lately all we do is fight. I’m tired of it. I hate feeling this way. I hate dreading seeing you because I don’t know what is going to piss you off next. I just want things to be the way they were before.”

“I know… Brett, I honestly am trying. I hate feeling like shit all the time. I’m starting to think there might be something wrong with me that can’t be fixed.”

“Listen to me Billy. I promised you a long time ago that I would always love you. I meant it then, and I still mean it. I still love you. But you are exhausting me. It feels like we’ve gone from drifting apart to running apart. Pretty soon, I’m afraid we’re going to forget what it was like to be in love with each other. Remember when we first got together and we had sex every day for a month? Then we started having sex once or twice a week. Then it was once or twice a month. Now it’s been two months since we had sex. We barely kiss anymore. We hardly even talk without fighting. I feel like I’m losing you, and you’re not even trying to make it better. This is even worse than breaking up. This is torture. I’d rather break up than keep living like this.”

“I knew it would come to this. So you want to break up then?” I asked.

“Of course not! Billy, I just want to get back something of what we had together. We were so close. It felt like we could read each other’s mind. But now, I feel so far away from you. I just want my boyfriend back.”

“Brett, I get it. I feel it too. I wish I could make this funk I’m in stop. I still love you. I’m just so frustrated! It’s like the more I try to make everyone else happy the more miserable I get.”

“Then stop trying to please everybody else!”

“Including you?”

“Yes, including me! Billy, I don’t want you to try to make me happy. I don’t need you to do that. I will love you no matter what. I would love for you to not be miserable, but that doesn’t mean I want you to change who you are. I just know that it’s killing you to be so depressed. But it’s not up to you to make me happy. You don’t have to pretend to be something you’re not for me to love you.”

“Fuck, why can’t my mom understand that?”

“Dude, if you want to keep trying to make your mother happy by betraying who you really are, then that’s your right. But if you do that you will never be happy. You’re going to just keep being miserable because your mother is making you live a lie. She may have accepted in her head that you’re gay, but she never could accept it in her heart. This whole last year, she’s been trying to break you. Sometimes I think she has succeeded. But then you have those moments when the real you comes through.”

“The real me? I don’t even know who that is anymore.”

“Well, I can’t define that for you. I just know that I haven’t seen him in a long time. I miss him.”

“Well how about this? You’d say the real me isn’t this mom-pleasing douchebag I’ve turned into, right?”

“Yeah.”

“The real Billy Roberts would tell his mom to go fuck herself because the two of us are together and if she doesn’t like it she can go to hell. Right?”

“Definitely!”

“Okay. Seems to me there’s only one way to break out of this funk I’m in. But I’m going to need your help to do it.”

“You know I would do anything for you,” Brett replied.

“All right! I have to do something to show my mother that I am my own person and that she doesn’t control me. I need to do something crazy, something unexpected. I need to do something to show her that I’m never going to be like her. Brett, we need to go to the tattoo place down on Main Street.”

“Now we’re talking!” Brett said. “We’re… Wait… Did you say the tattoo place?”