Jamie - The Journey Begins - 23. Chapter 23 Santa I'm on the other list

“Fuck, Jamie, have you finally lost it?” Yep! “I’ve gone mad, talking to myself now.” I pulled out my cell and called Lucas.

“Lucas, hey.”

“Oh, hey Jamie, it’s like…” Lucas sounded like a zombie, okay id just woke him up.

"Lucas, I need you to just listen… okay, please?"

“Sure,” he coughed a bit - obviously I’ve woken him up - it’s like 02:20 in Houston. “What did you do now?” It was offered as a joke, but little did he know.

I took that as my cue. “Look! it’s my fault, Lucas.”

“Hmmm ominous…” the sleepy dark voice countered.

“Well, I tried to silence some of the ghosts of my past with my new-found adulthood. But someone took the training wheels off a-little-too-soon.”

“Oh Fuck, Jamie. You okay?”

I stopped to take a breath and try and slow my mind down. “I hadn’t spoken to Ben since that first call yesterday. No matter how many times I’d tried to call, message, snap him. Nothing, it is falling on deaf ears.” My voice faded away a little. “This all… this cost me dearly! Oh, Lucas, I know in hindsight… I can see that it was too soon to meet up with Sam… just too soon and monumentally stupid.”

I heard Lucas say under his breath, “Oh my god! What have you done, Jamie?”

“Lucas, the feelings between us, between me and Sam, they were still there somewhat. Well, a little, sure - they’d faded for me, coz I’m in love with Ben, but Sam was still very much not over it, us.”

"Okay, Jamie, but what happened? Did you two fuck or something?"

"Jesus, no! No, no not that! I was telling him about Paris and our trip, the next minute. Lucas, you must believe me, I didn't even see it coming. The next minute he almost kissed me! Shit, it was that close - it might as well have been a kiss. Oh, Lucas, what am I going to do? I called Ben and told him. I wanted to be honest with him and I think I killed it between us."

“Jamie, are you okay? No, you’re not okay. You sound like …”

“Lucas, all I’ve been able to think about every waking spare moment has been consumed with, ‘if I’d been more in tune or aware, or just plain not so fucking stupid’, I'd have realized what was happening and not been like the giant dickhead I was… am.”

My emotions were fast escaping me. I could feel the hot sting as my eyes filled with unshed tears. “You know, it’s like watching a car crash but doing nothing to stop it because you’re welded in place. Jesus! What the hell was I thinking, Lucas? What the absolute FUCK!??”

“Lucas, you there?” There was silence on the line.

His voice was quiet and slow. “I’m trying to understand it, Jamie. But it's a struggle. What happened, how the-?"

“Oh Lucas,” the tears were flowing freely now, “man, I’ve cried more in the last six months than in the last ten years. Ben was heartbroken when I explained what happened, no matter what amount of apologizing or trying to explain my innocence in meeting Sam.”

“But Jamie, you should have known, right? Didn’t you think something was going to happen?”

“I had no idea, Lucas. You’ve gotta believe me, please! You’ve seen us together - you know how much he means to me. But I guess when I look back, of course,” I could feel the sense of resignation and abject stupidity wash over me, “I should have known it was going to happen."

I felt helplessness, falling almost, ripping through me. “Lucas I tried to get Ben, you know, to see that it wasn’t planned. To be honest, I kinda felt a little blind-sided by Sam, not to blame him I’m an adult… -well legally maybe not mentally- but I think I’d hit that self-destruct button subconsciously, with full detonation this time.”

I was shaking all over. I’d been switching between standing and sitting down. I had to sit down before I fell. I put my head between my knees for a moment to slow my breathing before I blacked out.

“And then there’s Ty, you know Lucas, that we’ve been friends since Prep class. Then all the way through grade (primary) school and high school - think this has pretty much killed our friendship, well mortally wounded it now.” I stopped and took a long steadying breath. “I just hope someone doesn’t make the choice to turn off life support because I don’t want to lose him as a friend.”

“What do I do, Lucas? I’ve fucked it up.”

“Jamie, I don’t know. But first, you’ve got to try and calm down a little, else you’re gonna end up in the ER and that’s not going to help anyone, right.”

Lucas paused for a moment. I could hear murmurs behind him and then him padding out on to a hard floor - the guy could never walk quietly. I smiled for a moment.

“We’ve got to try to get Ben to see that it was a mistake, honestly stupid. But a mistake all the same.”

I just sat there for the next forty minutes while we talked. I don’t even know what was said mostly. Lucas made me promise to get some rest, no booze and that he was going to call the guys to come and keep an eye on me - no arguments or he was going to call Mom.

..o0o..

Gav, Dave, Mike, and Louis surrounded me and Sam in shifts almost for the next week. They were somewhere between supporting and schooling me on how dumb I was, well - the both of us.

Ty had been made to feel like a second choice by Sam and me too, I guess. That was going to hurt for a while. I tried to call Ty a few times and explain, but the words just choked me. So I did it old school - I messaged him, explaining that I was sorry and struggling with trying to put into words all that I felt and regretted.

To complicate things, Sam tried to do a runner. Mike called in and found Sam three quarters packed and getting ready to flee, but the guys stopped him. Although he was a relative newcomer to the group, they all supported him and Ty – that’s what we do, through thick and thin.

For me though, thank god for Adam, Julie and Lucas - they helped me through the following month. I don’t think I could have done it without them. I think it was like less than ten minutes after I’d spoken to Lucas that night and told him what happened with Ben, Sam and me, that Adam turned up, all flushed in the face and out of breath - he'd been on a run when Lucas called him and he sprinted over to me. So I'm guessing by the look of him it was a good six kilometers -not a bad effort sprinting Adam. I was sitting down on the ground leaning against this old Redgum Eucalypt that I'd help save - it's was kinda my tree at the reserve near the Cafe. It had seen the arrival of the first white settlers in the 1700’s and everything unfold around it. Guess I hoped if it could withstand all of that, it could help me.

..o0o..

Bad news spread quickly - no surprises, there right? Three days after that infamous day, I got a message from Daniel, Ben’s brother, asking me to call him. I did. My god, that was a painful call.

It ended in me just falling to pieces with Daniel. He’d just seen Ben and said he looked awful. Ben had been hiding at work and home and not talking to the rest of the family. Ben told him what had happened. It hurt so badly to hear Daniel explain to me how upset Ben was, how I’d wounded him, that although on some level Ben could see that it wasn’t my clearest group of decisions seeing Sam, and he kind of acknowledged that it wasn’t like I’d gone looking for it – more, as usual, trouble found me.

Even though Ben told Daniel that he thought that Sam probably wasn’t entirely without blame, that maybe I could have stopped it, I should have stopped it, but still…

“Daniel, I just want to speak to him. Please help me.” I sobbed into my cell phone.

“Jamie,” Daniel took a long breath, “I know how much Ben means or meant to you.”

His words burned my ears. I know that they weren’t intended to, but they did all the same. “No, Daniel, not meant! Means! Your brother means the world to me. I know I've been stupid, but it truly was well-intentioned. I just wanted to put the demons of my past behind me.”

I paused for a second, trying to get my mind, emotions, and mouth in the same sync. "I made peace with my ex-wife. I even excused my ex-father-in-law for his failings. I wanted to clear the decks. I wanted to have a clean slate so that I could be everything for him-Ben. But I've just fucked it so badly." My voice trailed away.

“Yeah, I get all of that and some, Jamie! Hey, know you’re a great guy, genuine and all. But this-this…” Daniel stopped for a second, the frustration in his voice was palpable. I was waiting for him to pitch a fit at me, but it didn’t come. “…I just don’t get how a guy that’s thirty years old, a firefighter and an officer can be so stupid? You’ve hurt my brother in a way that I didn’t think was possible. To be honest, Jamie, the day I found out y’all were lucky, that there are eight thousand miles plus between us.” I was completely silent on the other end. He was right. How could I be so stupid?

“Don’t get me wrong Jamie. You’re not forgiven, not by a long shot. I’d love nothing more than to come down under and do the big brother thing if you don’t fix this! Plus, Ben wouldn’t forgive me either.” Daniel stopped, I think he was trying to speak without totally losing it at me. Sure, his voice had been steadily rising through the conversation, his anger growing, but, whose wouldn’t, right? “Jamie, what the absolute fuck? You didn’t see this coming? This whole thing with Sam - if it all happened as you say, there was a load of red flags going on. You didn’t see them?”.”

“No, Daniel I didn’t." I felt dejected like I was falling into a pit of doom. "I didn't know or realize what was going on until Sam almost kissed me. That’s when my mind said ‘Oh fuck - this is not going the way you thought, Jamie. You need to stop it now.”

Daniel just sighed.

“Please, you must believe me. I was thinking about Ben - I was daydreaming almost… we were back in France and it was … I’d disconnected from what was happening at the Café, then a second later he kissed me.” I could hear the desperation in my own voice as I spoke, “I recoiled, saying ‘No-no we can’t! I love Ben. Stop! You have Ty and...” Silent tears were steadily flowing now - I couldn’t help it.

“Then Sam and I talked about all the people that would be hurt by this, and I wasn’t going to hurt Ben. Guess it was all for nothing." I was aimlessly staring out the window of my bedroom, looking at the parkland to one side and construction site that was the rest of the redevelopment. Maybe there's a hole I can crawl into and hide. “Daniel, he won't take my calls, my messages go unread, I can't get hold of him, it's hopeless."

We ended the call with Daniel saying that he’d try and help me if he could, though he wasn’t sure, but he’d try.

If my grandma was still with us, she’d have described my world as ‘darker than the devil’s riding boots,' and we all know that bad news spreads faster than a wildfire. Not to be outdone.

I think that Lucas’ resignation at this was really fucked, which matched my own assessment and hurt the most. I was just waiting now. Once Mom, Steph, Dad and everyone got hold of it, I was going to be right royally fucked, and I was.

..o0o..

At times it felt like everyone was against me. I’m not minimizing it, but the way people were going off, you would have thought that Sam and I were fucking and the video of it was being broadcast live into Times Square.

Everyone on the course was excited-nervous about the end coming up. I was just over it all. I’d written my resignation from the service three times and deleted it twice. The third attempt was sitting in my drafts folder. I was on the edge: Just picture Donkey in Shrek, when he’s ranting and saying he’s on the edge - yup!

Maybe I need to just walk away from everything, head over to the west and work in the mines for a while. I could feel a slow burning smile cross my face. “Hmm that idea is looking better and better every day. Maybe some simple hard work, without any of this baggage to carry around would be good for me,” humph… “or… maybe I’m just running away.”

The four weeks leading up to the final exams plus the rounds of practical assessments were tough. It kept me distracted as the weeks just flew by, but none of that compared to what I was feeling outside of work. What can I say! I fucked up hard, beyond hard really.

Is monumentally fucked-up strong enough?

No, I don’t think that even covers it.

It all came to a head with the family one night. I walked out of the college Friday night before placement. Thankfully it was Friday night, so there wasn’t a full carpark of people to witness the inquisition.

I’d hidden in the library for a few hours like I’d been doing most nights for the past month. Not able to study, I was just looking at the pages, not seeing the print or not understanding it anyway. After another four-hour faux study session, I looked up at the clock. It was close to 2200h. “Okay, let’s go home and hide in my bed for forty-eight hours.” I swept up my notebooks and manuals and headed out the door towards the darkened exit and carpark.

It was a warm night with the sweet smell of the eucalypts and last of the wattle trees filling the air with that unmistakable smell. It has been a dry month - we were expecting the summer to be big if the predictions stayed on target. The Eucalypts had started to shed leaves. The sound of them crunching beneath my feet as I walked across the roadway made me think of summer, summer in France with Ben. I felt that dark cold feeling wash over me at the memory.

As I walked over to my truck and unlocked it, movement from my right caught my attention, giving me a startle at first. Pretty quickly I realized that it was Mom and Steph appearing from the carpark shadows. I kinda knew what level of ass kicking was coming - there was no way to avoid it. I’d done pretty well, I think, dodging them this long, but my time on the run was over. I dropped my bag onto the driver’s seat of the truck, turning back toward them, closing the door, leaning against the rear door waiting for it, resigned to my fate.

Mom started off first, not in a loud voice, more questioningly. “Jamie, how could you? The boy loves you!” Exasperated was how I’d describe Mom’s voice. “Jamie, good god, his family loves you… not to mention, without his help, you’d be dead!”

Fuck Mom, you don't think I know all of that? I shook my head. Yeah Nah, not saying that, else his hard work would have been for nothing - my Mom is wonderful, but don't cross her.

“You don’t think he deserves better than you making out with your ex- or hook-u, I think you call it?” She looked at Steph for reassurance that the correct term had been used. “I thought we’d taught you better, James, that we’d set better examples.” Mom stopped there silent for a moment as if to let her words wash over me and kick in.

I rolled my head back, looking to the sky for salvation, taking a breath. Mom wasn’t finished, not by a long shot. I couldn’t help it, a tear escaped my closed eyes, and she caught sight of it slip down the side of my cheek toward my earlobe.

“Oh Jamie, oh my boy… I’m sorry. It’s just that…” Mom stopped mid-sentence, stepping forward silently, then wrapping her arms around me. I felt myself subconsciously leaning forward, hugging her back, her warmth. Her love… I could feel it, like some sort of envelope surrounding us, protecting me. I’d felt so much worse than I thought I could possibly feel. I couldn’t help it. In the end, I just broke down - I needed to. I think I was grieving what was lost.

“I’m not angry as much as I’m disappointed, James.” Quietly, she finished, and it hurt.

I still don't know if she meant to hurt me with that one, or it was just an honest feeling. I'm gonna give mom the benefit of the doubt - I think I was at a point where anything said would hurt. Now the tears were streaming down my face. “Mom, Stephanie… You don’t think I know that… You don’t think I regret it?” I was just sobbing now, weeks of pain, hiding and regret had taken their toll on me. “If I could take that five minutes back, there is nothing I wouldn’t change, for Christ sake, Mom.” I could feel her stiffen at my cussing out, but I thought, well, if I’m ever going to get a free pass, it’s now.

“The bit y’all don’t get is that I love him. I love Ben! I’d marry him given the chance. Now, because I was trying to be more adult and face things not run from them, I fucked up hard. I’ve only felt this bad once before…”

“So how about y’all…” I thought I better not to complete that sentence as I was somewhere between hurt and angry now. I so desperately wanted to just say, “Just fuck off and let me be,” but, although I could easily welcome sweet silent death now, I knew that it would come from my mom’s hands if I said that. Instead I turned slightly and pulled away. “Thanks, Mom. You too, Steph. I’m guessing you came down to kick my ass, but …”

“No Jamie, we came down to –okay, well maybe a little bit,” Stephanie laughed, “but I think what we need to do is get out of your way and let you work through it. Okay, little brother?” She smiled at me. “Once you’ve worked out what you want to do, we’ll help, okay?”

"Thanks, Steph. Thanks, Mom." I hugged them both and climbed into my truck without another word. I turned the key and pulled the truck into drive, headed off out of the car park and along the highway home.

Imagine my surprise was when I pulled up out front of my place to see my dad sitting there. My blood ran cold for a second till I spotted a six-pack of beers. I clicked open the garage and drove alongside him. "Those for my wake?" I half-joked, pointing at the beers. "You won't have long to wait 0 Mom and Steph had a crack.”

His face was mixed with sadness and disappointment. He stood up off the garden seat that Adam had installed. So, Adam… I came home one day and bang, there was an antique looking garden seat there. Said he’d always liked them. “They make a garden look inviting.” Guess he was right.

“Well son, there’s no round two here. It’s just us now.”

‘Oh, great’ I thought to myself. Gonna get my ass kicked by my dad now.

“And I’ve gotten a different take on it than your mom, and sisters.”

His comment made me snap my head back in his direction. “Wonder if those beers to drink or hurl at me, Dad?”

“No son,” he grimaced a little. “They’re for us to drink while we talk about this and work out a way of resolving it.” He smiled a little. “And they’re not actually from me. Seems Lucas is feeling bad about the conversation you two had - says he can’t reach you, so sent me over with beers to make sure you were okay.”

“Yeah well, my phone is off so…" at that moment it dinged with a stupid message from the home management system telling me I'd left the roller door up… of course, I had! I hadn’t driven in yet, no you can’t close the garage door, fuck’n!

“Hmmm,” Dad rubbed his chin. “Seems it’s just turned itself back on, Jamie. Amazing things, these Smartphones, hey?” He smiled raising his eyebrows, walking into the garage ahead of the truck as I parked it.

Dad had a totally different take on it. I could see that I was trying to sort stuff out. Mark had called him the other day and told dad about my conversation with Tracey, “So you’ve settled things between you and Tracey, I hear, Jamie. That’s a good move.”

"Thanks, Dad, but I'm-"

"We need to get Ben to listen to you, at a minimum. To understand, if possible, and hopefully, forgive you if you're lucky, right?”

“Yeah well, that’s a nice plan, but don’t think it will work out. See Ben has to speak to me to start with, and that’s not happening.”

“Well let’s see if over these beers we can't think of a way to sort this out. I know you were just trying to mend fences with people in your life - it's commendable. I don't think your mother knew about your conversation with Tracey the day before all of this.” Dad smiled. “So, you leave your mother to me, okay son?"

“Thanks,” We settled down for a few beers and watched the game that Adam had recorded for me on the DVR - Eagles vs Cowboys - god I hope we win. A win would be nice now and that’s how we came up with the plan to write to him.

Dear Ben,

I’ve tried to call you and message you and I get it, you’re hurt and pissed at me.

I can’t tell you… I can’t explain how sorry I am. There aren't enough words. I just can’t understand, how, in hindsight, how naïve I was. Well not even, just plain stupid! Ben, please, believe me, all I was trying to do was genuinely settle the unfinished business I had with Sam - with everyone! - because I wanted to make a fresh start with you, nothing hanging over us, nothing worrying me or regrets that I hadn’t resolved things, but all I’ve done is hurt the one person I love - you, the only person that I want to spend my life with.

If I could, if I was saying this face to face. I’d drop to my knees and apologize over and over if I had to, because I truly am so very sorry. Just the thought of how much I’ve hurt you makes me want to puke.

Why did this happen? It’s a question I’ve been asking myself now for almost six weeks. I had it all worked out, well kind of. It was a simple plan - tell Sam how much I loved you… About our fantastic time in Texas and Europe… Make sure that Sam knew it was over between him and me… that I was happy for him and TY… that was it!

Somehow, in amongst all of that that, I was kinda daydreaming about us and reliving those times. I told him that I was in love with you. I told my family and close friends that the day I arrived back home, even let slip that I wanted to marry you someday.

But to do this I needed to clear all the unfinished business I had floating about. I'd made peace with my ex-wife days before. I'd even forgiven my ex-father-in-law after his hateful and homophobic rants! I was caught up on telling Sam how much I loved you and how wonderful you were when it just happened, and I stopped him instantly, but it was wrong to meet up without other people there or so soon … dumb of me to start with!

Why?

Because none of it mattered. The only thing that matters is you. I love you, Benjamin Rush. More than I’ve loved anyone… no that’s not true. I’ve only felt like this once before, and after he died, I thought I would never again, till I met you.

I honestly thought that night in Paris that you were going to propose to me. That's why I was so rattled at the time. Then I was consumed with questions why you didn't ask, or were you going to and changed your mind? Or was I more in love with you than me?

All I wanted was all this doubt, this stuff in my head to be gone. In case that was holding you back, holding me back, and it so spectacularly backfired.

Ben, you have been the best thing to happen to me. I can't say sorry enough because I've hurt you. I promised you and myself that I'd never do it, and I have. I only hope that you can forgive me or, if not, at least find someone who will make you happy, because you deserve to be happy and loved.

I love you today and forever, James.

Daniel agreed to print the email out and place it in Ben’s hands, but that was all he could guarantee.

..o0o..

Sam had told Ty about it, and to his credit, he’d owned most of the blame. I found that out the night of the carpark incident with Mom and Steph. Steph wasn’t there to have a go at me - Todd told me that she went along to control Mom. Apparently, Mom was pissed off to the max when she heard about Sam and me. She’d been brewing on it since. Plus, I’d gone into hiding, so Mom decided that it was time for us to talk. Steph came to make sure Mom didn’t do anything that she’d regret.

I can’t help feel that a lot of people jumped to the conclusion that I was to blame for this. I was in a way, but I don’t think I owned the lion’s share of it. If anything, it has taught me to be more aware of manipulation to a degree – yeah, I see plenty of it at work from time to time, but I try to keep those two worlds apart. I guess I need to let more of the ‘work Jamie’ in and less of the ‘social Jamie’.

Most people came to see that Sam and I had unfinished business to deal with, but we were stupid and somewhat selfish in the way we did it. Big lesson learned that day.

When graduation parade finally came around, I’d been able to escape the Spence world for seven days as I had requested a work placement as far away as I could. So, out west, I went. Wow, it's a whole different world out there!

When I arrived home the night before graduation there was a pile of emails that Lucas had sent me. I hadn’t been checking any of it while I was away. I needed this deployment to go well - I wanted to kick some butt on the course and saw this as an opportunity to make up for some of the time lost in distractions and so during the course. Plus, I decided that the Jamie of old had to go. I needed to be more of the work me at home for a while till I could adult without training wheels.

After a good night’s sleep in my own bed, I was dressed in my service dress uniform and headed downstairs. Adam and Julie were in the kitchen meals area chatting.

“Hey Jamie, looking good in that uniform mate,” Adam smiled.

"Thanks, Buddy. You two look nice as well. You coming along today? Y'all don't have too - it’s no biggie.”

The look on their faces was one of horror, particularly Julie’s. “Jamie, when my world fell apart many times, you were there for me. Adam and I wouldn’t miss this for the world.” Adam nodding along.

"Just about to make a coffee. You want a quick latte before we go?" Adam turned and walked towards the espresso machine, flicking his head subtly at Julie on the way.

“Sure, thanks,” I replied, not really concentrating on what was going on. I pulled my laptop over and opened my emails.

"Any idea where you'll get posted, Jamie?" Julie’s slid a nice fresh banana across the bench. “Better have something to eat. All that standing around - don’t want you to blackout.” Jules had a look of ‘I want to ask, but should I?’ about her.

“Okay Jules, out with it. What’s up?”

"It's just… It's nice to have you back here with us. I know I'm being selfish but I hope you don't get posted too far away." The concern in her voice was raw. She was worried about me. I could tell that I'd changed, that this whole episode had changed me and not for the best either.

"Thanks, Jules, but I think it’s better if I … I don’t know.” Running my hand through my hair and down my neck. “This whole Ben and Sam thing has just turned me inside out. I’ve realized that I need to grow up a lot and I think I need to go away to do that. If… does that make sense?" I looked between my friends' pained faces.

"Yeah, I get it, Jamie. But don't run too far, because that’s only part of the answer. The rest is being able to face yourself in the mirror every day." Adam slid my coffee across the countertop to me. "Coffee and life advice," he smiled.

Nodding my head, I sipped the coffee. “Damn Adam. That’s awesome!” I replied smiling a cheeky smile. “And the coffee is good too.”

At that, we all giggled an uncomfortable release. Scanning my inbox, I saw what I was looking for: ‘Movement Orders.’ I clicked on it and read down to the bit where my posting was. "Hey guys, know anyone that wants to rent my room?" Julie and Adam stopped mid-conversation and looked at me. "I've been posted back out to the West for six months." There was silence. “Also, just received confirmation that I’ve passed. Well okay, I knew that bit." I smiled a ‘Yeah, I know’ look. “So, my first preference of placement has been granted.”

I knew they were short on staff out west, and it would be a good career move for me to go where the need was. “I’d decided to head back out west for six months. It would give me time to get over Ben, Sam and everything else without having a breakdown, hopefully. Also, the fire risk for the upcoming season was high and looked like it was going to be busy.”

They were silent, but Julie finally found her voice. “If it’s what you want, Jamie, then congrats. But if it’s to run and hide, please don't lose your way back to us, okay?" She walked over and hugged me. As we separated Adam stuck out his hand from the side of the counter. As I grabbed it, he pulled me towards him, stepping around the corner and pulling me into a hug.

“Jamie, it’s not all your fault. But you’ve got to do what you need to.”

"Thanks, guys. Appreciate it. Can you do me a favor and not tell anyone till after today? I want to enjoy the day before facing the questions."

“Maybe we can make up some flash cards for you, Jamie,” Julie laughed.

"Thanks, mate, can always count on you to keep it real." We finished our coffees and headed out into the garage and into Adam's new Mercedes SUV pickup he'd bought. Said it was good for the grocery run or something - funny but stupid at the same time. That’s so Adam. I think it was for when he and Julie get started on a family, just say'n.

..o0o..

Mom and Dad, and a few of the guys came along to the presentation ceremony. I saw Gav standing there with his cell phone out the entire time. I guessed he was waiting for the fails to begin or someone to fall ass over. It turned out I was wrong.

The ceremony was over and we were all mingling in with the assembled guests, when Gav came up to me. “Hey, fantastic job mate. Congrats!”

"Thanks, Gav," I grabbed his hand and shook it. "Appreciate it mate, ta."

“I’ve got something else for you, Jamie," Gav placed his cell phone in my hand screen facing upwards. I knew exactly who that was - Lucas, Hailey, my uncle and Aunt, a few cousins too, but the one face I really wanted to see wasn’t there. My heart sank. I quickly swallowed it down and pull on a brave face to all.

Lucas grabbed the call for a moment. “Hey dufus! Well done! Congrats…” he was smiling away.

Then I was on the move again. “Congrats, Jamie,” Hailey smiled into the cell. “We came over to watch the ceremony. You looked amazing up there. Well done, you!”

“Thanks, Hailey, Lucas. Really appreciate it.”

“Sure, our pleasure. Look I’ll pass you around the room.” And so, started twenty minutes of ‘hello and thank you’ to all the family there. I was nice of them all, very nice really. It gave me the lift I needed. Oh, and Lucas lets it slip that Hayley has moved in with him…

..o0o..

My first week in my new territory was full on. There had been tons of grass fires of late. The dry winter and spring meant that the summer fire period would be upon us early. There was the talk of it being the worst season for years, but this is common leading up to the peak season. We’ll just have to see what we get, I guess.

All things considered, I thought that it might be a great idea to stay out here well into January. Whilst my application to cancel my leave request over Christmas was accepted, as Ben wasn’t coming out as we’d planned when, well when we were seeing each other, but I was able to come home for a few days to celebrate Christmas with the family.

I made it home Christmas Eve. Jet and Daisy’s kinder were having their Christmas carols. I had volunteered to bring Santa on a fire truck. The kids still thought I was going to be away. I hadn’t really seen much of my family from that week before Thanksgiving.

The surprise on their little faces when Santa arrived out front where they all could see, I heard Daisy squeal when I jumped out of the truck and helped Santa down. Santa, his helpers and I made our way into the kinder yard through the side gate. After some hugs were dispersed by Santa - and me too - to my niece and nephew, we all settled back to hear some carols sung by some very enthusiastic voices. It was kinda peaceful but enjoyable too.

When Jet and Daisy came on, it made my heart melt - maybe I would like to be a dad one day. “Huh.” The local guys took their truck back to the station while I settled in, surrounded by family, the odd crying baby and loads of memories about this place. This was the same kinder we’d all gone to - it had changed heaps over the years, but had that familiar feel to it all the same. I looked around and saw the various places Mason and I fought, lol.

Towards the end of the night, Todd sat down next to me and he started to fiddle about with his backpack that dad had just handed back to him. “Hey stranger, how you going?” he whispered in my ear, so not to disturb the kids.

I nodded, “I’m okay, buddy. How about you?”

“Good now, but earlier,” he smiled. “Wow, these things are great when it’s your kids or niece/nephew, but two hours of show and screaming random babies in the audience... jeez-us!”

Suddenly I felt something in my hand and looked down. It was a bottle of cider with a juice label stuck on it.

Todd smiled, “What did you think I was going to put in your hand with kids about, dumbass?”

He smiled that wry smile that made me laugh instantly, okay, and I got two or three shushes too. “You look like you could do with a drink. Shit, I know I could.”

He smiled and kept them flowing for the rest of the night. I looked up at dad and noticed that he had a ‘juice bottle’ too. Dad just tipped his bottle towards us and smiled. “Have I told you that I love my brother-in-law?” I leaned in close to Todd.

“Aww shucks, you’re too cute, Jamie.” We quietly clinked our bottles together. Todd’s just the best, sneaky cider or six. Only problem, towards the end I was getting nicely toasted.

I was completely swept up with the kids singing, so much that I hardly noticed the tap on my shoulder at first. It was only when I heard a voice in my ear, “Hey you,” that time froze. I half turned my head and looked in shock. “Ben?” I saw his face and my heart stopped. I couldn’t believe it - I felt my eyes go wide like quarters. I was speechless.

Ben put his finger up to his lips and then pointed to the kids singing with a huge smile on his face. I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out. I was sitting on the floor cross-legged as kids do. Ben had slid in behind me. His folded legs gently pressing against my back. I could feel the heat from him and smell him. My heart was racing. His left hand was resting on my hip, the other must have been on his knee.

“Jamie!” Todd’s voice filled my head.

"Yeah, I answered," feeling a little stunned.

“No more ciders for you. Luckily I caught that one as you dropped it. Man, you need to catch up on some sleep.”

“Wha-, sleep!” I turned around to look at Ben again, and he wasn’t there.

“What’s wrong Jamie? You okay?”

I realized in that split second that I’d been dreaming. It was all a dream - Ben wasn't here - he wasn't smiling at me. The truth be known, he was probably… just as sad as I was. "Sorry Todd, I think I was dreaming or something. I have to go, excuse me." I stumbled to my feet, sitting cross-legged for so long and now half toasted on ciders made for an interesting exit. Let's just say that ninja I wasn't.

..o0o..

Somehow, I managed to keep to together till I was clear of the preschool. But as soon as I was out of sight, yep, those tears started to flow again, as the rains in Northern Queensland. I'd made it a few blocks when Gav pulled up and coaxed me into the car. Sweet jeez, have I got a tracker on me or something? Fuck, these guys are everywhere!

“Jamie, what the hell are you doing? Mate look at you – you’re gonna have a breakdown. Come on - let us help. Talk to me, please.” I looked up at Gav. I tried to reject his strongly worded pitch but I couldn’t - the time for running was over.

“Gav, I’ve fucked it up. So badly… I didn’t mean it, not at all…”

“Come on mate, hop in. We know.”

We drove off. I wasn’t sure, but we drove for hours just talking, giving me the time and space to let it all out. By the time we got back to my place, I was exhausted, sober and felt empty.

The last thing Gav told me before watching me go up the stairs to my bedroom - yeah, he walked me into the house and did a hand over to Adam and Julie – was, “If Ben loves you as much as you love him, he will come back to you. Just be patient. Don’t give up, okay?”

"Thanks, Gav," I walked upstairs and had a long hot shower, then fell into bed and passed out.

..o0o..

Christmas day started with a bang. I was awakened from my deep sleep when Jet and Daisy decided that I was a great human trampoline, so it was time to get up, get dressed and head over to Mom and Dad’s for Christmas lunch. Apparently, my two little terrors want to come with their uncle. Well, it kept my mind off the other stuff.

Christmas lunch… well wasn’t that an affair: the normal family thing - too much food - enough to feed a small country. The family tried not to discuss the elephant in the room. Oh yeah, and my brother too. I guess all in all, it could have been way-way worse than it was.

Mom fussed around, my sisters kept telling her to relax. My dad was looking after the BBQ while us guys gathered on the rear steps, in the way of everyone, sipping beers and talking shit.

After lunch, and to stave off the food coma, we all went out back and shot some hoops - the old man's still got it. He could have played for the national league here, but enjoyed firefighting and girls too much, I think. Still, he kicked all our butts, except for the grandkids - they had him wrapped around their cute little fingers.

It was Christmas day, which would be Christmas Eve at his place, Ben’s, right. I decided to send a video message, and not look stupid or sad or happy.

“Oh god, what am I doing. Hi Ben, I hope that you get this message, I wanted to wish you a happy Christmas and new year. I know that I’m probably not the person you’d want to see on Christmas, but it’s Christmas, right, and if you don’t tell someone how you feel about them now, when do you.” I moved the cell phone a little closer, “I just wanted to say… yep, I'm sorry. And that I will always love you and hope that someday.” I paused for a second, I could feel the emotion welling up so pulled one of those dumb faces to break the tension. “Someday soon you might be able to forgive me. But if you can’t then that’s on me… but you deserve to be happy." Putting the biggest smile on that I could I finished with, "Happy holidays, Ben. My love always, James.”

I sent a copy to Lucas and Daniel too, just to make sure he got it.

..o0o..

After an hour or so, everyone decided that it was time to go home. My place was only a fifteen-minute walk, so I opted to walk off some of the food I’d had stuffed into me. Mom and Dad were going to come over to my place at 19:00h to have a coffee with me before I took off again for work. This time I would be gone for six months, maybe more, as I’d taken my US buddies up on their constant badgering of applying for secondment in the States in their Summer to fall.

I’d not long left the ‘rents’ place when my cell beeped. “Jeez, what have I forgotten now?” Mom always messages me after l leave telling me I’d forgotten this or that, then offering to drop it over after. It was a ploy to see me sometimes, I think.

“Crazy talking to myself!” I fished my cell out of my pocket and stopped dead in my tracks. It was a message from Ben. Instantly my heart started to race, and my mouth and throat were bone dry.

Using my left index finger, I swiped the message open, I read it over and over each time taking a few steps then stopping and re-reading. “Happy holidays, James. You’re right - if you can’t tell someone how you feel about them during the holidays, then when can you? I was surprised to get your message as you never replied to my email, after yours. I thought you’d given up. I can’t blame you if you do. You look fantastic, more tanned and you’ve bulked up a bit. Anyways, please look after yourself, okay? Happy holidays. Love Ben.”

“Email, what email?” I was stunned at that, shaking my head. I shoved my cell back into my pocket and ran like my ass was on fire till I reached the front door of my place. Breathless and impatient, I grabbed my keys out, fumbling with the stupid door lock. I’m so used to going in the garage door I don’t remember when I used the front door last.

“Crap,” It was like putting a square peg in a round hole, finally getting the damn key to work, turning it and bursting through the front door in one very uncoordinated, loud movement.

“What the…” Adam called out from the meals area. I almost knocked him over as I ran to my laptop. "Sorry, Adam. I think I missed an email!" I threw my cell to him with Ben's message on the screen.

Jules joined us a few moments later. I could see Adam reading and re-reading the message, his lips move when he concentrates - it's been a thing since school. Without taking my eyes off the screen, I opened the inbox - nothing! “Fuck it!” Then the junk mail folder - it was pretty much empty. "Fuck it!" I slammed my fist into the countertop.

“Not there, Jamie?”

“Nah, it’s pretty much empty Adam… fuck me.”

“Do you have auto delete set up? Maybe it’s in your deleted items-trash bin?”

"Shit, thanks, man." I quickly opened the trash folder and typed ‘Ben' in the search field.

“1 result.”

I held my breath and clicked on it, “I found it, Adam." I looked up stunned. I tried to read it but I couldn’t concentrate, Adam picked it in a flash.

“Here let me read it to you, I know, mate. I know.” he said as he walked over, handing me his beer and sitting down next to me. “You drink - I’ll read, okay?”

I nodded. What the hell is he doing here on Christmas night? I cocked my head at Adam sideways – really, they should just move in – fuck, it's not like Julie's marriage wasn't over for a year before the big split, and that's what, ten months ago or more now? But I’m not one to offer relationship advice, well, unless you want to end it.

Hey James,

I think your cousin and my brother are in league with each other. I had them both calling me threatening to pitch a fit if I didn’t read your email. The look on Lucas’ face when he turned up on my door to campaign for you this morning convinced me to read it.

He had that same surprised look you get when I told him I’d already read it. After recovering from that shock, he asked if I was going to reply. You two really are close. He had that whole lost puppy look going on as you do, but I wasn’t sure then, so was honest when I said, ‘Look I just don’t know.’ But here I am.

James, you have no idea how much it hurt me when you told me what happened. It crushed me, and I felt like a fool.

It wasn’t that is was a kiss, and your advocates here (Lucas and Daniel) keep saying it wasn’t your idea, that you didn’t kiss him. He kissed you, it just … was the breach of trust. Your last words to me in France was you’d make it work. Then the next time we spoke, it’s “Ben I did a bad thing!”

How could you be so stupid, Jamie? Really, for a smart guy…

I’ve had time to think about it. Well, it’s all that I’ve been able to think about for weeks. That, and Daniel hounding me constantly to speak to you, so that you’d stop calling and messaging him - he’s okay with it. He just keeps telling me that it’s our mess and we need to fix it.

So, on that, I just don’t know, James, I just don’t. I understand that you were trying to, what was it ‘Adult without training wheels?’ Where do you think these up? I could see that you were trying to make your peace with your world back home, I guess that’s what stopped me from cutting you off and closing the door.

As I sit here, this has taken me a few hours to write, really don’t know what the future is for us, I don’t. I guess I need time to think about it, maybe we could talk in a few weeks if you want?

Good luck on your course. I hope the exams and placement go well for you, and please stay safe and don't throw yourself into your work to hide from this. Yes, Lucas has spilled the beans on you. Take care ok? ❤️

Ben.

We all sat there in silence for a full five minutes till the knock at the door pulled us back out of the trance. I got up and let my parents in. It felt like I was a zombie, just mechanical movements - no feeling.

Opening the door, the look on my mom’s face was horror almost. “Jamie, what’s wrong?”

“Ben replied to my letter,” I mumbled out, looking down at the floor. Come in and I’ll show you. I don’t know what to make of it.”

Mom gave Dad one of those ‘look after him’ looks directed at me as she power-walked down the hallway to the meals area. I could hear Adam and Julie talking quietly - the occasional “I don’t know” and “it’s a good thing, I think” could be heard.

Mom was convinced that it was a good thing, that if Ben had totally given up he wouldn’t have replied to the email or holidays message. I guess she had a point.

Not a real surprise but about thirty minutes later, my siblings arrived. Mom must have messaged them, so then I had both sisters and my mother deciding what was meant in Ben’s email.

..o0o..

The next day started off like the last ended, my mind spinning over Ben’s email and the things it said and didn’t say. I sipped on my second espresso before getting the courage to email back.

Hey Ben, found your email, it was in the trash folder. Sorry have fixed the spam filter now so hopefully, it won't happen again. Lucas hadn't told me much about your conversation just that he tried.

I can’t argue with anything you’ve said because pretty much it’s spot on. I’ve gotten my placement orders, for the next four months, was going to be six but… it’s about five hours away from home so that should put me outside my mom’s reaches.

I’m so glad you wrote and hope you’ll write back soon, the season is busy now, so there might be some delay in me getting back to you, but I will, okay?

Take care, ❤️ James.

I packed up my laptop and headed for the shower, I was about to step into it when the group chat with Dave, Gav and the boys started going off. They were taking me to lunch at Checkpoint Charlies and we were going to get a little day drunk before I snuck back to the bush.

The instructions were to be ready by 11:30, else they were going to take me, naked if they had too.

“Shit, I’d better get showered and dressed,” with that and yes, more talking to myself, I jumped into the shower and got ready before time.

..o0o..

I’d just sat down on the sofa watching the game Adam had recorded when the guys arrived. It sounded like there was an invading horde at the door when I opened it - they all were there, well, except for two. Even Todd and my brother were trying to push their way through. I didn’t know what to say to Mason.

He just smiled and walked past me. “Hey little bro.” Just then, Adam strolled out with Jules. Their eyes met and I thought there was going to be something between a nuclear explosion and a blood feud, but nothing. Someone's been handing out Xanax like candy for sure.

“Hey Mason,” Adam walked up to him and they shook hands.

“Hey Jules,” Mason greeted her with a smile. Weird - a smile!

Then he turned to me. “Come on! We’re getting ‘day drunk’ Spence.”

I didn’t know what to do or say - someone has possessed my brother. I just agreed and walked out the front door, with everyone inside spilling out on to the front lawn, heading toward a fleet of minibus cabs parked outside of my place. With almost military precision, we all piled in and headed to Check Point Charlies.

To say the day ended with us ‘day drunk’, well that was an understatement. My god, I haven’t been that slammed for a long time!

..o0o..

“Hey Spence!” A distant voice was calling me. The last month had been tough - I’d been in the fire service for years, but they got their dollars’ worth from me and the teams around here over the last week. It was like the entire state was on fire. If we weren’t working on shift, loads of the guys, myself included, were turning out as volunteers to help.

“Spence, mate!” the voice called again, somewhat angrier than before - that was Corey, my 2IC, great guy. Gonna make a fantastic Commander one day, soon if we're all lucky.

“Lowery, send your message,” I called back. So, where am I? Standing on the back of our water tanker about to conduct a pre-action briefing or SMEAC as we call it. Hopefully, this plan will put us in a position to grab this fire by the horns and put it out.

“Commander Spence, the Regional Commander wants you to call him on the mobile, over.”

“Received," I pulled out my cell and called the boss. I did see an email from him the other day, but it didn't look too important. And if it was, he'd call, right? Seems I was right.

"Hi, sir, how are you?"

“Jesus Spence, you’re almost as hard as I am to get hold of. How’s it all going out there? Not the bullshit line along the channels - what’s really happening? Do you guys need anything? Anything I can help with, let me know.”

"Thanks, boss. We’re working on almost one hundred kilometers of containment lines over the next few days. Hoping to pull it up before the next burst of high temperatures hits us, is the plan. If you want to help, come out and get on a branch boss,” I laughed as did he.

“I think my days of chasing fire on the back of a truck are behind me, but we’ll see Spence, we’ll see." There was a brief silence, "I sent you an email which I see you haven't opened yet."

“Sorry Matt, I’ve been kinda busy here.” I offered with a degree of sincerity.

“All good, Jamie. Look, your secondment has come back from the US, and you’ve got a double. They’ve offered you a run with LA County Fire and El Paso Fire Department. Seems your buddies over there want you to come over.”

Wow, I’d been requested by both! That’s fantastic, I couldn’t hide the smile. “Um Matt, did they say how long the secondments would be?”

“If you’d read my email, it’s in there.” He added with a degree of smartass too, deserved, but, the man could make the point all right. "LA County is for five months, and El Paso is for seven.”

“Wow, I’d be gone almost a …” I stopped for a second… that is a year idiot. Okay, it’s been a long few weeks. Give me a break.

“Yeah 12 months Spence. You’re supposed to ship out on Friday - that’s this Friday-two days.”

"Okay, then. I'd better get back to this fire and get packing, sir.”

“You’re booked on the flight back to the city tomorrow night 22:30. Make sure you’re there.”

"Thanks, Boss – Matt, appreciate the call, and … everything."

“No problem, Jamie. You deserve it. You’ve done a fantastic job out here. You’re gonna be missed.”

And with that, I hung up and got busy putting this damn fire out.

..o0o..

We'd put in a fantastic effort and the night's crews were going to make sure it didn't jump the lines. After returning to our accommodation, showering and getting changed into clothes that didn't smell like smoke, I appeared with a cooler full of sodas and ice-cold beer.

“Huge effort all. Let’s have a few coldies, plus I’ve got some news.”

“What’s going on boss,” Corey asked.

“So, it looks like there will be an acting commander taking over from me as of tomorrow.” There were a few eye rolls going on. The teams generally don’t like bosses shifting around. Apparently, they like to get us trained the way they like us to be. Jeez, I can remember saying and thinking the same thing when I was on the hose all day.
“Yeah, he’s not a bad guy. And with me heading to the States on secondment for twelve months, I couldn’t think of anyone better.” I turned to Corey. They all had a look of surprise on their faces.

"Yeah I'd applied when I finished at the college, and only found out this arvo." I stood up and the guys all took their cue from me standing too. "Congratulations, Corey. You're going to do a fantastic job!" To say he was shocked was a total understatement.

"Um, ah… Jeez, boss." He ran his hands through his hair, whilst smiling like a five-year-old. “Um, thanks. I won’t let you, us down.”

“I know you won’t, but it’s my ass too if you do right." I slapped him on the shoulder, "Come on, let's have a beer." The rest of the guys all congratulated Corey and me too. It was a great way to finish off out here.

It had been fantastic out here, a great opportunity to build my skills, grow into my role without distractions… distractions… hmmm… Ben, I mean. It had been almost three and a half months since that night I’d called Ben. We’d been messaging a little since then and I wrote to him about every seven or so days. Sometimes it was a few lines. Other times, it was an essay.

I don’t know how to fix it with him or if I can. I’d had a few offers here and there of hook-ups but backed out at the last minute. I wasn’t over him. And it felt like if I started having sex with other guys, then it really was over, that I’d really blown it.

Maybe I could look Josh up while I’m in Cali… No, second thoughts - maybe I shouldn’t. Think I’ve finally learned a painful lesson.