U-N-I - 19. Chapter 19

Robbie's point of view.

 

 

About three weeks later, a receptionist came to get me while I was sitting outside by the pool. She told me there had been a commotion with a security guard at the front desk because someone who wasn't on my list of visitors came to the front desk and asked to see me.

"Would you mind coming with me to tell us if you'd like to see that person?" she asked.

"Sure," I willingly agreed and followed her.

When we got to the lobby, I smiled as I recognized Sam, although not easily. He was wearing a woman's red hair wig and a security guard was standing behind him and holding both his arms.

"Sam?" I asked as I walked closer to him and looked him in the eye. "Nice wig."

"Thanks. I'd pull it off but I'm currently not allowed to move a finger." he said, trying not to laugh "Would you help me out here?"

I just looked at him for a moment, trying to understand how he had found himself in such a situation, but eventually explained to the guard who he was and told him that it was ok to release him. He hesitantly freed his arms and Sam gave a nasty look to the guard as he took off his wig.

The guard walked away, and as he did so, we heard him muttering under his breath.

"These celebrities are fucking crazy," is all we distinctly understood as he spoke a bit louder with the receptionist, I looked at Sam, shook my head and we both giggled.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him as I gave him a quick hug.

"I'm asking myself that very question right now..." he joked. "Basically, to make it short, I have to go back to London soon but I didn't want to leave without seeing you again… I made a promise to you, so," he explained.

I nodded and looked at him with a giggle,

"Why did you wear this?"

"Because…," he said as if it was obvious. "I didn't want any reporters to follow me and then publish tomorrow that I was going to rehab. Everyone would've thought I went nuts again."

"Thank you very much," I said, pursing my lips.

"No offense," he joked.

"None taken," I smiled. "but after this, I think I might go ask them if they have a room available for you. You sure know what to wear to remain anonymous," I said with a laugh.

"Well, I'm still gay, aren't I?" he laughed too.

"You should've worn a dress too while you were at it!"

"Yeah, and high heel shoes! But they would've known it was me," he joked.

"This is the first funny thing that happened since I've been here," I said to him. "so thank you for that."

"You're very welcome. I'm glad I made you laugh."

I walked back to my room with him, which was really a private suite, with sitting room, kitchenette and bedroom. Sam looked around a little and I asked him if he wanted something to drink.

"There's ice tea, diet coke, orange juice or apple juice."

"A diet coke's fine," he said. I grabbed a bottle for him and settled on a glass of ice tea for me. I took out the bottle, poured myself a glass and we sat in the armchairs.

"So, tell me, why are you here?" I asked. "You could've just given me a call."

"I was in the neighborhood," he joked with a shrug, but then explained, "I finished recording my album. I have to hand it over soon… but to tell you the truth, I'm really curious to see what we'd write together, and I don't wanna have any regrets. So, I know it's a bit soon for you… maybe… ," he said hesitantly.

I smiled and shook my head,

"It's not."

"No?" he asked enthusiastically, "Are you allowed to get out of here? Is it as hard to get out as it is to get in?" he asked jokingly.

I laughed,

"I don't know, I haven't tried getting out yet but I'm sure I can manage to escape for a few hours a day."

"That'd be great if you could," he smiled.

"It's funny that you came here today actually. I saw an old performance of you on TV last night and I thought about calling you."

"Did you?"

"Yeah, you were singing 'Stay With Me' on the Letterman Show," I answered and then exclaimed jokingly, "Have you swallowed your album?"

He laughed and then said in a whisper as he leaned in closer to me,

"Don't tell anyone, but I have!"

I lightly shook my head, smiling,

"You sounded exactly the same, how do you do that?"

"Oh, you don't exactly need auto-tune either. I just stay still, I don't run around the stage as much as you do," he joked.

"Would you like to have dinner here?" I asked him, "I'm kinda hungry," It was only 6pm but I felt my stomach growl. I was always hungry after a swim.

"Yeah, sure. So am I."

I showed him the room service menu and he chose from it. Just after telling me what he wanted, his phone buzzed.

"Sorry, I gotta get this," he said as he looked at the screen.

"That's fine," I responded.

He walked out of the room, onto the terrace outside and I ordered dinner. Then I went to my bedroom to change into a t-shirt and a pair of joggers.

When I came out, he was done talking on the phone. He was sitting on the floor beside the coffee table and he was wearing his glasses which he seldom did. I sat down next to him and he soon had me rolling on the floor with laughter as he dramatically told me the story of his ‘arrest’ in the lobby.

"She was like," he explained, "we can't tell you who's staying with us, but if you give me your name, I can check to see if you are on the list. So I did give her my name and told her you weren't expecting me though. And then this other guy went like,

‘'You're Sam Smith?'’

"He didn't believe you?" I asked with a laugh because it was obvious from his tone of voice.

"No!" he exclaimed, "That's when I realized I was still wearing my sunglasses so I took them off but it obviously wasn't enough."

"They must've thought you were an absolute nutcase pretending to be Sam Smith!" I laughed.

"Yeah, they must have. She went like 'Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave'," he said in a fake threatening tone, "and the guard started walking up to me. I was about to remove the wig but he grabbed my arms to force me to leave… so I was like, no, wait wait, this is just a disguise, I really am Sam Smith! Go ask him, he knows me."

By this point, we were both laughing our asses off.

"Oh shit," I said as I dried my eyes and tried to regain my composure.

We kept talking about it and our dinner was delivered a few minutes later, I walked back over to the coffee table after the server had left and we began eating while still sitting on the floor.

"So, seriously," he asked after a short while, "how’s this place working out for you? Have they concluded that you were nuts or is there still hope for you?"

"It seems I can still be saved," I joked, then added more seriously, "It's been good. I think it's everything I needed it to be," I admitted.

"I'm happy to hear that. You look well rested," he said, watching me.

"I am," I said.

"Have you been working out?" he said flirtatiously.

"Are you flirting with me?" I looked at him with a smirk.

"Nah. Don't get your hopes up. I've started seeing someone."

"Ouch." I complained, narrowing my eyes.

"Yeah that's right. I'm rejecting you," he nodded with a smile, "I bet that's never happened to you before."

I gave a slight shrug,

"I did get dumped by my own boyfriend, so…"

He hissed,

"Sorry. He didn't exactly dump you, though!" he said sympathetically.

I agreed and asked him with curiosity,

"Who's the lucky guy?"

"Have you watched '13 Reasons Why'?" he asked.

"Yeah. I watched the first three episodes I think, to see what the buzz was about."

"He plays Justin. Brandon Flynn."

"Oh yeah," I smiled, putting a face on the name, "he's cute."

"Yeah, he's lovely," he smiled back, looking pretty love struck already, "I think it might turn into something serious."

"That’s great, I'm happy for you. I didn't know he was gay."

"He just came out on Instagram… sort of."

"Do we all do that now?" I said jokingly and he chuckled.

"We met a few weeks ago… and I decided to call him back. It's time I start looking for love! I'm so tired of being in relationship that can never go anywhere because of my job. I want what you have. I'd give anything to have someone who looks at me the way you guys look at each other."

I smiled almost self-consciously.

"I want a real relationship; with someone I can trust and who I can be seen in public with."

"Yeah, I understand. It's important to have that, someone to support you."

He nodded,

"You're lucky. You didn't have to find a boyfriend who understands your job and who's not gonna dump you, or cheat on you, because you're going on tour and you can't be with them, or whatever other reason they always seem to find."

"Yeah, that's true. We never had to go through the whole dating process," I said, knowing that I was indeed pretty damn lucky in the love department, "Must be hard to trust someone."

He nodded and I added,

"I don't really trust anyone anymore except my closest friends. So many people want to befriend you for all the wrong reasons."

"Yeah, it's complicated. Now, if I start dating someone, I want to make sure it's really serious before I let the fans know who I'm with. I want someone who's right for me. I’ve been disappointed too many times."

‘‘So, you're done with one-night stands?" I joked.

"I hope so," he chuckled, "I get emotionally attached too easily," he smiled, "I wanna sign off this part of my life where I keep giving myself to guys who are never gonna love me back."

I pursed my lips, because I was one of those guys.

"Have you talked to Mark?" he asked me hesitantly.

"Yeah, we talked on the phone once, when I got here," I replied with a nod, "But we haven't called each other since. I mean, talking to each other just makes it so much harder to be apart… but I know what he's up to, he knows what I'm up to…and we’ve texted each other. I know we're gonna be ok," I said with a tight smile.

"Did you tell him…," he asked cautiously.

I shook my head,

"No. I didn't want to tell him over the phone," I breathed apprehensively, "and he didn't either. I think we may have both messed up a little," I shrugged and shook my head, "I don't know, we didn't wanna go into any details. We're gonna need to work things out together."

He nodded in an understanding way.

"But for now, there's still some stuff I need to work on before we can see each other again. I want to finish what I've started – and he wants me to as well."

"Well, if you need me to talk to him, I'm totally ok with that," he offered.

"No, it shouldn't come to that."

He eyed me suspiciously,

"Overly confident, aren't we?"

"No, but I know him. He won't overreact… But still," I began saying, mad at myself, "I cheated on him and I feel really shitty about it," I sighed heavily.

"Fuck. I'd hate to be responsible for making things worse. I'm really sorry," he said apologetically again.

"Stop, you didn't do anything wrong," I reassured him, "I'm the one who messed up," I said, "I really hate myself sometimes. I never wanted to hurt him," I said sadly, "but I keep putting myself in situations that are detrimental to our relationship."

Sam tilted his head slightly,

"Don't be too hard on yourself. No one's perfect, shit happens," he said kindly, "And just so you know, I don't usually do that now, but you're a bit hard to resist."

We remained silent for a short moment and ate, until he asked,

"So, tell me about this place?"

I told him about all the different things I had been doing, the therapists I had talked to and how I felt that I was starting to take control of my own life again.

"I realize now that having the kind of success we had, just barely out of adolescence, I kinda missed the chance to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. It was all decided for me in a way… and as much as I wanted it, there was no escape from it. And having to deal with being gay on top of that, and then with the fame… Kind of does stuff to you, you know?"

"Yeah, it does. Although, I was thinking, in retrospect, you did a lot better than me! It took you three albums before you started to lose your mind. I lost mine right after the first one!"

I chuckled and nodded proudly,

"That's just because I had Mark. He kept me grounded…until even he wasn't enough. We've always thought from the start that as long as we had each other, we'd be fine, but damn," I said as I shook my head slightly.

"Yeah," he nodded, "that's how tough it is. You know, I took a very long break between my albums because I was so confused. It's so important to have time away from this job. To just enjoy your life, to do boring stuff, to be with your family and friends, like any other people our age. Now, to be honest, I don't think that I want to take such a long break again. Because I'm twenty-five and I want to just release music right now… but I think it's important that the media and the fans understand that we need that time."

"Yeah, I think we're gonna have to hide away again for a few months and just work in the studio without doing anything else. That's what we did when we wrote our third album and it was so much better – and healthier."

He nodded,

"Have you ever felt like, maybe this job isn't for me since you've been here?" he asked.

I thought about it,

"No, I still love it. I know I can do it. But yeah, at times, I did feel like I wanted to give it all up. That maybe I wasn't good enough to do it."

"I’ve felt like that too. Many times. I love music and I want it to be always about music, but I quickly understood that with this job, there comes other stuff. I mean, I'm so nervous to go back right now. It's gonna be mad. I don't think it's hit me at all yet."

"Yeah! You're in for a shock. People are expecting a lot from you."

"I know. Oh my god," he said, putting his hand over his mouth, "I'm so scared. I might freak out soon".

"Do you need a room here, seriously?" I suggested jokingly again.

"Maybe I should, before I do my big come back!" he exclaimed with a laugh, "No, but seriously, I'm so glad people still want to listen to my music. I'm ready for it."

"Enjoy it as much as you can! I think I'm a lot more prepared for it too, now. As much as I thought I was before, I don't think I ever really was."

"Yeah, you kinda became successful overnight, just like I did. It takes a bit of getting used to."

I agreed. "When our first album went to number one, I should've been prepared mentally to figure out how to deal with it. You should get lessons on how to be famous before you actually are famous."

"Totally," he agreed, "there should be lessons! Because it's a lot to get your head around. And not just the fame, but the travelling and the sleep deprivation when you're touring and promoting…"

"It's probably the hardest part," I agreed.

"But that's what they're helping you with in here, aren't they?"

"Yeah. I think I finally figured out for myself how I want to live my life, despite the fact that I'm famous and that I have this job, you know. I have to stop using that as an excuse not to go forward. I can't change the past, so I have to make sure I don't ruin the future."

"Sounds like you have it all figured out," he said with a smile.

"I'm getting there," I replied with a nod, "I refuse to become one of those people who is just never happy. It's just so lame. Oh, and I've stopped drinking completely. I'm not saying that I'm an alcoholic or anything, but I realized I wasn't just drinking for a slight buzz anymore and that's what was making me unhappy when I really didn't have any reasons to be. I have a great life, it's time to really enjoy it again."

"I'm glad you're feeling this way."

"Yeah. I feel chill and calm now. I'm starting to feel ready to do it all over again. I want to, I even miss being on stage. I find myself thinking about playing stadiums again."

He smiled,

"Oh my god, playing stadiums. I'm so hungry for this. It's my absolute dream – Wembley stadium…," he said dreamily.

I smiled, I knew the feeling,

"You gotta do it!" I told him.

"Yeah," he agreed apprehensively, "oh my god, it scares me, but I want it so bad. But… the people have got to wanna come."

"They will, you'll get there," I said to him, I had no doubt that he would.

"I hope I will."

"It was the dream for us too… and it was absolutely amazing… and Croke Park – Glastonbury, it was surreal."

He nodded, thinking about it,

"For me, it was when I was fifteen and I saw George Michael open Wembley Stadium, and I thought, I wanna be on that stage one day!"

"Yeah," I nodded, "for us, it was when we saw U2 in Croke Park. And we were fifteen too."

It made me think of something and I told him,

"I'm working on my voice in here. They've asked this amazing singing teacher to come and I’ve had a few lessons with her already."

He asked me questions and we talked for a moment about it, and then he asked,

"So, how long do they want you to stay?"

I shrugged,

"Probably two or three more weeks, maybe a month. I'm not sure, really."

He smiled at me,

"You look a lot happier."

"Yeah, I am. There's just one huge thing missing."

He looked at me keenly,

"The time you're taking now is really important. Mark knows that, or he wouldn't have made you come here."

"Yeah, I know."

He smiled,

"So, I gather you're ready to get him back."

I looked at him in the eye and nodded,"

Yeah, I'm ready as hell. Shouldn't be too hard, but yes!"

He giggled and slightly raised his eyebrows,

"Tomorrow? Can you?"

"I'm Robbie Myers, I can do whatever I want!" I joked. "And I want to do this!"

"Alright, can't wait!"

We finished eating and hung out together for a couple of hours. I showed him the notepad on which I kept scribbling lyrics and a few ideas for a song began to emerge. I had a pretty clear idea of what kind of song I wanted to write with Sam. I didn't think I wanted to write a U-N-I song with him, even though I had one in mind. I had already decided that I wouldn't use what we'd write together for the band and that I'd let him have it. I only wanted Mark to hear it, not the whole world.

I figured I had to do something special for him, some sort of big gesture! So I wanted to write and sing a song that'd let my heart and my love for him burst out of my soul. I needed him to be sure that I was, and always would be there for him, that I was grateful to have him in my life and to be a part of his.

In some way, he probably needed to be completely reassured that I still wanted him and the life we had built together. And of course, I did, more than ever… I knew for sure we could still accomplish so much together and I didn't want to ruin the amazing future we could have. There were so many reasons why I didn't want to lose him, but one of the main reasons was that, frankly, he was the only person in my life able to really challenge me, and I loved that about him…about us… We were able to challenge each other, push each other forward and work together to accomplish our dreams. I admired his strength and determination, his practicality and his rationality – things that often contrasted with my own personality. Despite how opposites we sometimes were, we complemented each other perfectly and I was now really looking forward to see what the future held in store for us, and I knew he was too.

-----

When we'd talked on the phone, I'd been at the rehab centre for about a week.

He first texted me,

"Is it ok to call you today? I really need to talk to you"

I didn’t text him back. As soon as I read his message, I returned to my room and called him.

"Hey, are you alright?" I asked when he answered his phone, somewhat worried.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he murmured and I could tell from the tone of his voice that he was smiling a little, "I just really wanted to talk to you."

"Are you still in Dublin?" I asked, still concerned.

"Yeah," he simply answered; it sounded like he wanted to add something so I didn't speak.

"Look," he spoke with a soft sigh, "I know you just got there, and I don't want to mess up what you've started working on… but I just… really miss you…" he said in a trembling voice, "It's so good to hear your voice."

I didn't know if it was because his message had worried me, or because of the emotion in his voice, but I could feel my eyes welling up with tears. I swallowed a lump in my throat,

"I miss you too, so much."

"Hey, don't cry," he said, almost on the verge of tears himself, I took a moment to compose myself, "My god," I said with a sigh, "It feels like I haven't seen you in months."

"Yeah, I know baby," he responded, "It's hard for me too…but I'm so glad that you decided to go."

My lips curled into a small smile,

"You were waiting for me to come here before calling me, weren't you?"

He breathed out,

"It took you for-ever," he said in a fake frustrated manner.

I let out a small laugh,

"I didn't think you'd stay mad at me for this long. I was hoping you'd miss me and come home."

"Oh, I know – and I almost did," he said with a more relaxed voice.

"Damn! You mean, I came here too soon?" I exclaimed jokingly.

He chuckled.

"Shut up! I'm not saying I would've caved. I'm usually a lot more stubborn than you are!"

"Well, I was fuckin' angry with you!"

After a few seconds, he asked, uncertain,

"Are you still?"

"I dunno, I guess not," I responded. "What made you think you could be without me for so long, huh?"

He seemed to think about it,

"I figured I'd just have to jerk off a lot," he said, half-jokingly.

"Asshole."

He chuckled,

"If you think you were angry with me, trust me, that was nothing compared to how mad I was at you. I wasn't gonna watch you turn into a cokehead."

"It was just once!" I half-exclaimed, knowing very well he wasn't being fooled by my pathetic attempts at making people think that I wouldn't have tried again.

"I don't give a shit how many times it was," he said very calmly. "It was still one too many. You would've done it again, just admit it."

I sighed and decided it was time to be totally honest with myself…and with him,

"Fine, I would have."

"Thank you."

"You know, it really was Jordan's idea. Why aren't you more mad at him?"

"Because it's Jordan," he simply answered.

"So? He does the same stupid shit as I do! But he always gets away with it," I complained jokingly.

He sniggered,

"Well, maybe I don't worry about him as much as I have to worry about you… or maybe I don't love him as much as I love you."

"Oh, please," I said, knowing that although he didn't love him romantically, as a friend, he loved him just the same.

"I don't know. It's just that when Jordan says that he won't do it again, I know that he won't do it again."

I smirked, although he couldn't see it,

"Alright, I get your point."

After a pause, he added apologetically,

"I'm sorry I was a jerk and left you to deal with your problems alone."

There was sincerity in his voice. He'd do it again for sure if he had to but he genuinely felt bad for forcing me to do something I didn't want to do.

"Come on, we both know I wouldn't have dealt with them at all," I admitted, "not in the right way. I would've just let things get worse. It's not like you made that decision alone, I know you weren't the only one who wanted to give me a good wake-up call!"

"I just didn't know what else to do to make you understand. You couldn't go on like this."

"Mark, it's fine. I just didn't wanna listen. It was a lot easier to just pretend that nothing was wrong," I admitted, "I hate being without you but I get why you had to walk away from this self-destructive, stupid version of me."

"It's not who you are."

"No, it's not." I agreed.

"But I'm sorry," he apologized again, "I never wanted us to break up, I was just mad."

"Are you saying that you're over it now?" I asked, hopeful yet still worried.

"Maybe. Look, all I want is for you to find better ways to cope with the pressure, even if things start to spiral out of control again. I just want things to be back to the way they used to be, when it was just easy, and fun, and exciting, and you weren't finding it difficult. You know drinking or taking drugs isn't the answer… I don't want the guy I fell in love with to disappear," he said with emotion in his voice.

"I won't disappear," I murmured, "I do realize I have to be more careful when it comes to drinking and going out. I can't expect you to always watch over me and make sure I don't get fucking smashed. I've learned my lesson. Honestly, I don't think I'm ever gonna do that again."

"I hope you won't…."

"I won't," I promised.

"I don't want us to take what we have for granted. Remember what Bono keeps telling us. Not to think that we've arrived, that there's always more to do, more to discover … that we shouldn’t be scared to let our fears and insecurities fuel our work."

"He's the wise one. Mark, you know how much the band means to me. It makes me exist in a way, and I don't wanna lose that. And I certainly don't wanna lose you. I just got lost a bit."

"I know baby… So, how is it going so far, do you like the place?"

"Yeah, it's nice. They've got a pool and a gym, I don't need more," I joked. "it's gonna be good for me to take that time. But I wish you were here with me though."

"Rob, it wouldn't help you if I were. You do what you have to do. We'll see each other in a few weeks," he assured me wisely, but I could tell he didn't want to wait that long either.

"It's already been so long," I complained, making sure he could hear the frustration in my voice.

"I know… and I wanna be with you so bad right now, I really do. Fuck, don't get me started, it's killing me. I think about you all the time... but you know you need to do this alone for now. I'll just distract you."

"God, I just wanna be with you again."

"Don't…," he begged unconvincingly, knowing I was trying to convince him to come to L.A, although it was unreasonable for now.

"I want to hold you," I continued in a deep and mellow voice. "I just wanna snuggle up to you… and kiss you… everywhere, and make love. I miss everything about you… and I mean everything!"

He let out a chuckle,

"Don't tell me you didn't put those toys we bought in Amsterdam to good use! I would've taken them with me!"

I chuckled too, because of course I had tried them. We did have a few sex toys that we seldom used to spice things up, but you can never really have enough of those to try.

"That cock ring plug really is interesting," I said in a cheeky way, "but it definitely doesn't replace you though."

He giggled,

"Alright, I might send you a few pics later. That'll give you something to look forward to."

I smiled at the thought of that, "Sounds fun. Fuck, I should've come here sooner. I'm stupid."

"Yeah, you are," he joked. "but lucky for you, it doesn't make me love you any less… I've got you under my skin, deep in the heart of me… why should I try to resist?" he said, quoting Frank Sinatra.

I smiled, my father was a big fan of 'The Rat Pack' and many other great singers so we had grown up listening to all of them,

"Yeah. And I'd sacrifice anything come what might, for the sake of having you near…," I added, quoting the song as well.

He took a deep breath and exhaled,

"I love you."

"I love you too."

He sighed sadly and said nothing for a short moment. And then he whispered,

"There's something I have to tell you."

I understood what that meant but told him immediately that whatever it was, I'd rather we didn't talk about it over the phone. Honestly, because of what had happened with Sam, I didn't want to know what he had to tell me. I only hoped that it didn't involve Damien because that was something I knew I'd find incredibly hard to get over. Jordan had told me that he had seen him again and had rejected him once and for all, but I still didn't like the fact that he had seen him again. Just imagining them together was enough to make me feel completely broken-hearted. Thankfully, my biggest fear of seeing him break up with me to be with him wasn't going to come true.

I did try to imply that I had done something stupid too and that we would need to talk things through. I knew that despite what we had been going through, our feelings for each other were strong enough to get past the mistakes we had made, but I couldn't wait to work things out with him and put all of this behind us. I hated myself for doing all the things I had promised him I'd never do… hurt him, cheat on him, it wasn't like me. I really had to get my head on straight and stop my bullshit.

So I tried my best to change the subject and asked him,

"Mark, you went to see your mother, didn't you?"

He let out a huff,

"Yeah, last Saturday."

"Tell me about it, how'd it go?" I asked, dying to know.

"Better than expected," he replied.

"Really?" I asked, relieved.

"Yeah. It was kinda therapeutic. Rachel thought talking to her again would lift a weight off my shoulders I didn't even know was there, and she was right, it really did."

"What'd you talk about?"

"Honestly, you know how she is, we didn't talk that much… just… she cried, I cried… she apologized, I apologized…," he said in a monotonous tone.

"What did you have to apologize for?"

"For leaving and never looking back."

"You had every right to do that."

"Yeah, I suppose. But that's just the way she is. Maybe it's time I just accept it. She'll never be the mother I would’ve liked her to be. And she did apologize. For everything. For never telling me that James wasn't my father, for letting him treat me like shit, for letting me stay at your place all the time and not taking care of me the way she should have…honestly, I didn't put any blame on her, I just let say what she had to say. I think that's really all I needed, an apology from her."

He stopped talking and I was about to say something but he continued,

"Fuck, at some point, she said she should have put me up for adoption when I was born. That I would've been happier."

"Fuck," I breathed out, "I'm sorry, babe."

"I know she meant it as some sort of apology, but fuck! I don't think she realised how painful that was to hear, coming from her."

All I could think about was to hold him in my arms and ease his pain,

"I guess we should be thankful that she didn't."

"Yeah. That's what I found myself telling her. I ended up reassuring her, and telling her that I was glad that she hadn't, that I was happy with my life…"

I heard him sigh.

"I wish I could be with you right now."

"It's ok. Don't worry. It wasn't all bad. After that, she began telling me how proud she was too, that God had a plan for me, or whatever. She said she knew everything they had put me through, but she had no idea how to fix things because she thought it was too late, that she didn't deserve my forgiveness. She said some pretty heavy stuff!"

"Does she know you found your father?

"No, I didn't tell her. I think she might just have passed out!"

I snorted,

"What about us? How does she feel about us?"

He let out a small laugh,

"You know what? We didn't mention it once. She kept asking me how Rachel was doing. It was, Rachel this, and Rachel that… as if she was hoping that, maybe, I just went through a phase or something. And because she lives with us, I think she's still hoping I might marry her someday. It's like, she knows I'm gay, but she won't acknowledge it… and I didn't want to press the issue."

I chuckled,

"One thing at a time."

"Yeah. I know I can only accept her the way she is and forgive her mistakes. I should have made more of an effort to stay in touch with her after we moved to London."

"Why? So they'd continue to hurt you over and over again?"

"I don't know. But I think I'm ready to forgive her now."

"Well, that's good if you are. I don't want you to still be hurt over this."

"I'm not. It probably made me stronger in a way."

"It did."

"Yeah. And then after I left, Jordan found a great way to cheer me up!" he exclaimed happily.

"Oh my god, what'd he do?" I asked with curiosity.

"Well, we kept talking about it in New York, so… he decided on a whim that we should go buy a new car!"

"A new car?" I asked skeptically, because we already owned too many cars in my opinion.

"Yep! The bastard kept singing Kelly Clarkson "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," in the car for like an hour," he said, exasperation in his voice. "I almost did kill him."

We let out a small laugh,

"For an hour? Where did you go? Was there traffic or something?'"

"No," he simply answered.

"I don't get it."

He giggled,

"We did sign the paperwork in Dublin, but first, we went to Mondello Park for a test drive."

I gasped,

"Oh my god, I think I’ve figured it out," I said, remembering a conversation we once had.

"Yep, that's right!" he said, sounding elated.

"You did not buy a Ferrari!" I exclaimed, he’d always wanted one but thought that was maybe a bit too much.

He chuckled happily,

"Oh, but we did!"

I shook my head, kind of staggered,

"Fuckin' unbelievable! … Red?"

"Of course. Is there any other kind? You're gonna have to teach me how to show off properly now!" he said.

I laughed,

"No, no, you leave that to me! See what happens when you hang out with Jordan for too long," I joked.

"To be fair, it was always my idea to buy one."

"When are you ever going to drive it?"

"Just a technicality, whatever, I'll just stare at it and pamper it. But believe it or not, this model is really designed for the road, you can use it every day and it's really comfortable."

"How much?"

"300K…" he said with a wince, or so it seemed.

"On a car?"

"Well, it's the latest one, 812 superfast. It's the fastest and most powerful yet," he explained cheerily.

"Jeez," I shook my head with a smile.

"But once you get to sit in the car and drive it, there's just no way that you're not gonna buy it. It's so fuckin' thrilling! I don't think you can get that euphoria from any lesser car."

"Yeah, they know that. That's called a good sales technique!"

"Dude, seriously! It was just so incredible. It's like a religious experience!"

"You're crazy," I said with a laugh.

"Now, we're gonna have to go back on tour to pay for this," he joked.

"Oh," I said with a nod, "I see what you're doing!"

"Yeah. I never should've watched 'Days Of Thunder' so many times as a kid," he joked.

"Well, we've watched 'Top Gun' as many times too, I hope you don't wanna fly a fucking aircraft now!"

He laughed,

"I'd love to be Goose, though."

"He dies!" I exclaimed.

"You know what I mean."

"Yeah, totally, and I'll be Maverick."

"Fuck. Driving it was like, the best feeling ever. You go from zero to sixty miles per hour in just 2.9 seconds, it's so good … and the sound!" he exclaimed, "It's like a Formula One fantasy."

"Jesus, you're gonna kill yourself!"

"No, no, no, Cole Trickle doesn't die. I can handle a supercar!" he stated. "You and Jordan, however… I might not even let you drive it!"

"Now you're evil... I don't really care that much, though... Right now, the only thing I wanna ride," I said, both in a serious and seductive way, "…is your dick."

He let out the cutest laugh. Clearly, he hadn't expected me to say that.

"Oh my god…," he said slowly, "your perfect ass just flashed before my eyes."

I smiled,

"Yeah, that happens to me all the time," I said flirtatiously.

"Dammit," he breathed out a loud huff, "alright, keep talking," he responded, barely containing the horniness in his voice.

I went to lie on the couch and murmured as I closed my eyes,

"Mmm, babe, just the thought of you makes me hard as hell. I want you like you wouldn't imagine."

"Same here," he whispered after a few seconds, "I want you so bad. I'm so horny for you all the time."

I could feel a familiar tingling sensation in my body as I listened to him. I almost wanted to facetime him, but then I wasn't sure I wanted to see him before I could actually touch him. This was more sensual and less torturous than doing it that way.

"Damn," I sighed, "so am I... I wanna touch you, it's been too long."

"I wish you could," he murmured. "I miss your hands on me… and your lips on my skin."

"Fuck," I huffed out a breath and said as I pictured his flawless body in my mind, "I wanna feel your arms, and your chest and your gorgeous stomach… and your ass, god, your ass," I said with a moan.

I reached down and began rubbing my cock before pulling my cargo shorts and underwear down a little. I grasped my rock erection and gave it a few tugs, all the while picturing him slowly stroking himself, so pumped that this break up might soon be behind us. He kept telling me how much he wanted me, how hard he was for me. My dick tingled and I began stroking myself as I listened to him telling me how much he wanted.

"Babe, I can't wait to take you in my mouth," he said. "I wanna suck hard on your dick, it tastes so delicious."

"Mmm, yeah baby, you can work my dick like a champ. I wanna feel you deep in my mouth too," I told him, "I swear, I'm gonna give you the best blowjob I've ever given you."

He let out a giggle and asked seductively,

"How much better can you get?"

"I'm sure I can make it feel better, I'll make you wear that vibrating cock ring," I said cheekily.

"Right!" he exclaimed. I kept talking dirty to him and after a moment, he let out a deep breath,

"Man, I’m so ready to bust, just thinking about it… god, there's nothing like the feeling of your tongue working my cock."

"Yeah, I'm gonna take your throbbing cock in my mouth and make you empty your balls down my throat. I want your cum…so…fuckin'…bad."

"Mmm baby…. Can I pound you sexy muscular ass first? I bet you're as tight as ever!"

"Hell yeah, you can, it's all yours."

"Yeah. And I'll rim you first and drive you nuts with my tongue. I wanna hear you moan and beg for it."

"Oh yeah, I'll beg for it. I fucking love feeling your tonge snaking in and out, it's so good. You know how much I dig that shit."

"Yeah, I'm gonna give you the best rimjob before I fuck you just the way you like it!"

"Oh fuck, Mark, I need to feel you in me!" I moaned with a sense of desperation, " How long am I gonna have to wait?"

"I've no idea. But it's gonna be mind-blowing when I do fuck you again! … Oh jeez, I'm leaking so bad," he said with a moan.

"Yeah, make yourself cum baby, don't hold back."

For a few minutes, we continued talking dirty to each other, mainly about him fucking me in every possible position, until I started telling him that I wanted to take his gorgeous ass too.

"Your skin," I moaned. "I wanna taste your skin, it smells just like you and I love it. I can't wait to eat you out baby, god I just can't wait. I'm gonna eat your perfect ass and then hold you so tight while I fuck you deep from behind…"

"Oh shit, you're gonna make me cum."

"Yeah, that's the idea…"

"Fuck, Rob, I love it so much when you fuck me, you feel so good inside me, I can pratically feel it! You have the best dick!"

"Yeah baby, fuck I love you. I swear, I'll drive you wild with pleasure and make you shoot so hard, you'll be dizzy. And then I'll shoot inside of you so you can feel every drop of my jizz seed up your ass."

I began pounding my shaft and listened to the noises he was making as he enjoyed his orgasm. That did it for me, I felt my cum building up and I gasped as my body convulsed and ropes of cum began shooting out of me. My orgasm was powerful because I could sense how intense his was too. It was just so good to feel connected to him again.

"Fuck, that was awesome," he moaned after a short moment.

I grinned,

"Hang on a second," I said before I used my phone to take a picture of my chest, focusing more on my abs and dick, streaked with my cum, and I send it to him.

"Holy shit, that's hot!" he replied once he received it,

"You're fucking gorgeous. Now I want you even more. Why did I leave?" he whined.

"I don't have a fuckin' clue!" I joked.

He laughed and took the same picture of himself … which I jerked off to a few times during the following days.

We stayed on the phone without really saying anything for a few minutes.

He broke the silence,

"I'm leaving for Paris in a couple of days," he said in a whisper.

"Aren't you going home first?"

"No."

"Are you nervous?"

"Not really. It's gonna feel like a vacation."

"I can't wait to know how it goes."

"Yeah. If it goes well, we'll go back together. I want you to meet him too."

"Sure. Does Rachel still want to go with you?"

"Yeah. We're gonna meet in Paris and rent a car there."

"Alright. I thought she'd want to stay in London."

"Why?"

"No reason."

"Do you know something that I don't?" he asked with curiosity. "Is it because of Damon?"

I smiled,

"Oh, so you do know something!"

"Not really, actually. What do you know?"

I wondered for a second whether or not I should tell him, but he seemed to know more than I thought he did.

"They’ve totally started dating," I said, slyly.

"Really?" he asked, taken aback.

"Yeah, Rachel told Alicia all about it, who told Dylan and then Dylan couldn't keep his mouth shut so he told me."

"I can't believe she hasn't told me yet. When did that happen?"

I let out a giggle, "Right after he came home I think."

"Oh my god, I'm gonna have so much fun with this!" he exclaimed mischievously.

"Come on, go easy on her," I said, "it's understandable that she wouldn't want to tell you."

"Why? I'm totally cool with this! I think that's great for them."

"Yeah, it is. It's a bit weird though. I get how they must have all felt when we got together," I said with a laugh.

"Yeah, especially with me turning gay all of a sudden!"

"Oh, God!" I said with a laugh, "They're gonna get married and make babies. So weird."

"We're getting old," he sighed. "Jordan is now officially the seventh wheel," he joked.

I laughed,

"He's gonna love it."

We kept talking about this for a moment and before ending the call, we both agreed to text each other if we had something important to share, but to try not to call each other again as long as we couldn’t be physically together.

---

After I saw Sam again, I left the centre in the late afternoons and got in the studio with him for writing sessions. I think at that point, he was the best person to write with and to walk back into a studio with. Even though I was feeling a lot better about doing this job and I really felt like I wanted to write for the band again, Mark was too close to me and I loved him too much to write a song about us with him. I needed to do it without him.

For the first couple of days, Sam and I just hung out, sang a few songs and listened to his album. We talked about all of his songs and the stories behind them because so many of his lyrics rang true to me and I could relate so much… such as a song called 'Midnight Train'. Listening to it, I told him that I felt Mark could have pretty much written the exact same lyrics and that it was pretty uncanny how similar some of our experiences were.

In another song called 'Burning', in which he talked about fame, about feeling sad and depressed, the line 'Blame it on rebellion, don't blame it on me,' summed up very well what we had both been going through…trying to rebel against something we couldn't quite control, losing ourselves and the one we loved.

All of his songs were amazing. He asked me what I thought of one in particular called 'One Last Song' which was about the guy he had written his first album about, because he felt like it could be improved.

So the first thing we did together was to work on this song, making the final version deeper and more emotional. We changed a whole verse that became,

'In case you hear this,

Then know you're the love of my life,

Want to tell you I'm sorry,

I miss having you by my side,

When you were mine…"

Then after a few days, we began playing together. He first played a melody on the piano, which I loved, and I played on the guitar, throwing in ideas for lyrics… it felt good to start creating music again. We weren't sure if we'd be able to write anything good together, because we both knew that sometimes, going into the studio with someone you liked didn't mean it was going to work out... but it did. We connected, pretty much in the same way Mark and I did. It just worked. At some point, I was humming the melody I had recorded with Dylan because it was still in my head and he asked me what it was, so I just played it to him. Before long, we had the beat and we began writing. The song took shape really quickly and we totally smashed it. I knew I might have to improve it once I was back in London but it felt like it was almost finished. I called it 'Magic' and I knew it'd be on our next album.

Call it magic

Call it true

Call it magic

When I'm with you

And I just got broken

Broken into two

Still I call it magic

When I'm next to you …

Then, we wrote a song together and called it 'Lay me down' and it was just what I wanted… beautiful, sad, emotional and powerful. As soon as it was finished, I told him that he could record it himself and put it on his album if he wanted to, which he did, mentioning on the album booklet that he had written it with me. I didn't mind, but for now, I only wanted Mark to hear it.

Can I lay by your side?

Next to you, you

And make sure you're alright

I'll take care of you

I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight.

…

This hurt that I've been through

I'm missing you, missing you like crazy.

…

You told me not to cry when you were gone

But the feeling's overwhelming, it's much too strong …

 

I sent both songs to Mark and waited for his response.

What he did though, I hadn't expected.

He shared a picture on the band's Instagram of the two of us together that said,

'You've always known how to make my heart skip a beat!' @robbiemyers

I had never seen the picture, but it immediately brought a smile to my face. We were kids, about five or six years old. It looked like we were hiding underthe kitchen table in his house. He was kind of glancing at the camera as the picture was being taken and I was leaning towards him, my arm around his shoulder and my lips on his cheek, almost on his lips. It looked like we had just kissed each other or were about to kiss. It was freaking adorable.

I stared at the picture for a moment, feeling many emotions going through me at once, and then I responded,

'I have loved you all my life' @markemery

We hadn't been as active on the band's Instagram as we normally were, sharing something almost on a daily basis, which had kept the fans worrying even more about a possible split. Jordan and Damon had posted a few times on their own instagram, but nothing related to the making of the record obviously. They'd only shared personal posts about what they were doing, where they were or cultural things they liked. Mark had too in New York, so that the fans would at least think we were still working on the new album, even though we hadn't announced a new release date … but I hadn't shared anything, and there hadn't been any new posts of me and Mark together for a while which, the fans knew, was highly unusual.

Consequently, a very large number of fans reacted to the picture. About three million likes and half a million comments later, they had concluded that, if we had been going through something as they were suspecting, then we were probably back together, would need to release a new amazing album very soon and would have to go back on tour 'asap'.

We'd better not disappoint!