U-N-I - 21. Chapter 21

I woke up on my left side, my eyes not quite willing to open. I slowly rolled onto my back and realised Rob wasn’t in bed anymore. I tried to concentrate to see if I could hear any sound coming from the living room but there was none, everything was completely quiet and dark. It was still the middle of the night. For a few minutes, I tried to go back to sleep, hoping Rob would soon join me in bed again … but he didn’t. I knew he had to be in the living room and I had woken up alone for way too long. I wanted him right next to me to snuggle up against him and go back to sleep. After a moment, I extended my arms in a full stretch and extracted myself from the bed to go look for him.

He was sitting on the couch, with headphones and a MacBook on his lap.

I walked closer to him and put my hands on his shoulders to massage them. He turned around, slightly startled and took his headphones off.

“Hey,” he said softly.

Then I jumped over the back of the couch and I plopped down next to him. I drew my knees up and wrapped my arms around them.

“Whatchya doing?” I asked and watched the screen for a second. I saw he was using an audio editing software that I didn’t like.

He shrugged lightly,

“Just working on something I recorded with the vocal coach here.”

I shook my head,

“Il me rend dingue ce logiciel,” I said in French.

He let out a soft chuckle,

“Are we mumbling in French again?”

I yawned and let go of my knees

“Apparement, ouais,” I replied in French, smiling.

“You’re all gonna be stuck in the French accent when I get back, aren’t you?” he joked because it was something we always had fun with when we were promoting in Paris.

“Maybe. Now that I’m gone, they’re actually gonna have to start speaking to people,” I joked.

He gazed at me and grinned,

“My sexy French boy,” he said as he let his eyes move up and down my body.

I was still naked as the day I was born,

“I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t seen you in almost three months, but I swear you just keep getting hotter with age.”

I smiled and shifted closer to him,

“So do you,” I responded, dropping my voice down to a low whisper.

I slowly slipped my hand under his t-shirt, up to his now slightly hairy chest and ran my fingers over his pecs,

“You’re gorgeous,” I murmured, “You look so good. I think I’m gonna walk around with a constant boner for the next few days.”

He grinned seductively,

“Yeah, I do look pretty good,” he acknowledged and I looked at him with amusement, “I mean, I’d fuck me right now,” he joked.

I laughed out loud,

“Jeez! You’re obsessed with yourself,” I said playfully, teasing him.

He nodded.

“You’re gonna love the gym here!” he said.

“Oh yeah, why?”

“’Cause they, like – give you massages and stuff.”

We paused for a short time and then I touched his cheek tenderly and placed a loving kiss on his cheek. Moving my mouth closer to his lips, I whispered,

“I woke up all alone. It’s so good to have you back, I don’t want to wake up without you anymore,” I said softly.

“Sorry. I couldn’t sleep,” he whispered.

"I don’t know about you but I slept like shit for weeks. I hate sleeping without you. So,… can we go back to bed?… please?” I begged and placed another few kisses on his lips that he returned gently.

“I’m kinda restless,” he answered.

I smiled wickedly, my hand now caressing his stomach,

“We don’t have to sleep. I can think of one thing we haven’t done yet and that I’d love to do if we’re not gonna be sleeping.”

He let out a small chuckle but then his eyes left mine and he sighed softly. He closed his laptop and placed it on the couch beside him. I had expected another reaction from him and it made me feel apprehensive. I studied the expression on his face. He was a bit lost in his own thoughts and clearly, he was debating whether or not he should say what was on his mind.

"You alright?” I asked with care.

His eyes met my gaze again. His lips formed a small reassuring smile and he nodded his head. His hand made its way up from my hand, to my arm and then to the nape of my neck. He drew me closer to him and placed a kiss on my lips.

“Babe, I wanted you so bad earlier… so bad,” he said with passion in his voice.

“So did I,” I murmured and couldn’t help but part his lips with my tongue.

We kissed intensely for a moment and then he looked into my eyes,

“I’ve waited too long to be able to feel like this again and I didn’t want to ruin the moment. It was amazing and I’ve missed you so much.”

I nodded my head softly and said, suspecting what was coming,

“But?”

“…but we need to talk,” he said, he sounded determined.

He slowly lowered his hand from my neck to my arm.

“Oh,” I sighed and looked down a bit, feeling nervous all of a sudden, “is it confession time?”

I looked up at him again and he held my gaze with a serious, somewhat anxious look on his face,

“We can’t avoid it forever. We shouldn’t even have had sex.”

I breathed out. I was getting really worried,

“Can’t this wait ‘til morning?” I looked into his beautiful and expressive green eyes and got my answer, “Alright,” I sighed nervously, “I think I’m gonna put something on for this,” I said.

I took his hand in mine. I began to stand up to walk over to my suitcase and only let go of his hand when I could no longer hold it.

‘‘Shit!’’ I thought to myself.

Here we were. Everything was perfect, we were finally together and I felt so happy and fulfilled. I wanted that feeling to last a bit longer. Why couldn’t I have just stayed in bed? I didn’t feel quite ready to talk now. It was three in the morning. I was jet-lagged. We had just had amazing make up sex, and already, we were about to argue. I knew we were. It was unavoidable but it was the last thing I wanted to do with him at that moment. All I wanted was to snuggle up against him in bed and enjoy feeling his body and his skin against mine as I went back to sleep. I didn’t want to have to deal with everything that had gone wrong in our relationship… not yet.

I opened my suitcase, slipped on a pair of joggers and walked back to the couch.

He had placed the laptop on the coffee table. He was sitting cross-legged and waiting for me.

I sat down next to him. He was looking down at his fingernails and for a moment, neither of us said anything. Although he had been the one to say that we needed to talk, he seemed extremely reluctant to start the conversation. He finally glanced up at me and the apprehensive look on his face got me worried. My eyebrows narrowed and after a few seconds of awkward silence, I asked hesitantly,

“What d’you do?”

Although he hadn’t really admitted that he had cheated on me when we had talked about it on the phone, I knew he had done something that he was scared of telling me. I wasn’t too worried but, as I watched the expression on his face, I realised that I hadn’t considered the fact that he might have done something that I’d find utterly unforgivable… but maybe he had. The thought made my heart beat faster, and I suddenly felt a tidal wave of anxiety and jealousy washing over me… what if he had…

“You didn’t…,” I stammered, he saw my anxiety, he knew what I was thinking.

He shook his head reassuringly,

“No, no, of course not.”

“Oh,” I breathed.

I didn’t know what he had done but I was somewhat relieved that he hadn’t gone as far as to get fucked by another guy. I had decided that no matter how difficult it’d be, I’d forgive him if he had cheated on me… but that... It was where we had always drawn the line. As much as we enjoyed bottoming to each other, we were both more tops than we were bottoms, which was why we were versatile, so it was something we had never even considered doing the few times we had had a threesome. Sure, we enjoyed broadening our horizons by playing with other guys but for some reason, bottoming had never been a part of it. I couldn’t imagine him actually doing that with someone other than me, I just couldn’t… I mean, his ass was fucking mine!

“Then what?” I asked, watching him, “You fucked some guy, didn't you?" I asked anxiously, hoping he hadn’t, but knowing that if he found it so difficult to confess, then it had to be it.

He bit his lower lip, unwilling to look at me at first. After a few seconds, his eyes met mine, he was about to say it, I knew, but he didn’t have to. I sort of saw it in his eyes. It hit me. I gasped and stared at him,

“"You fucked Sam?" I exclaimed.

He narrowed his eyebrows and winced,

"Just to break the ice," he said kind of jokingly, but knowing it wasn’t something I’d take lightly.

My mouth dropped open and I let out a huff, stunned.

"You’re bullshitting me!" I exclaimed.

I realised at that instant that I could have guessed it sooner, but as I stared intensely at him I was having a hard time believing that he had had sex with him. He slowly shook his head no, no longer trying to pretend that it was unimportant. I frowned. I searched for something to say but just came up with more questions. My eyes were begging for answers and my tone of voice was angrier.

“Are you serious? For fuck’s sake, you fucked him?”

He took a deep breath and began explaining himself,

“The first week I was here, I went to a dinner party with Claire…. and he was there. But it was so boring that he suggested going to a gay club…”

He paused,

“You fucked him in the club?!” I exclaimed immediately, pretty sure that he had.

He pursed his lips, he looked uneasy,

“Well, he was drunk, and he came on to me…”

I let out a dumbfounded chuckle.

“I’m not using that as an excuse. I’m not gonna insult you by giving you excuses. It shouldn’t have happened, and I shouldn’t have let it happen.”

I rolled my eyes at him. I tried not to get too upset because it wasn’t as if I had been a saint myself, but at that moment, I wasn’t really thinking about what I had done.

Although, I could understand why he would let something like this happen, I was hurt and upset that he had cheated on me with Sam and I was overwhelmed with feelings of jealousy and worry.

I shook my head,

"So, let me get this right,” I said, staring at him. “I make you come to this place so you can work out your problems… our problems! And the first thing you do when you get here is to go gay clubbing and fuck another guy!"

He couldn’t hold my stare so he looked away slightly. He placed his elbow on the back of the couch and bit his finger nail.

"Yeah, that sounds bad,” he said with a slight nod.

"D'you think?" I said in a sarcastic tone.

I shook my head, dumbfounded,

"And then you go and write music with him…for me?"

"Yeah, I did do that.…,” he acknowledged.

“I can’t believe you,” I said and stood up, I felt like I needed to move away from him.

After a few seconds he said,

“Mark, it was just meaningless sex. You were all I could think about.”

I turned back around to face him,

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

He didn’t answer.

“Jeez…when you said he was really helpful, I didn’t think that was what you meant…,” I said, my voice breaking with a mix of disappointment and jealousy.

He shook his head apologetically,

“It was stupid. We agreed to, like, never mention it again. It didn’t mean anything, we both felt bad about it afterwards … But, we talked a lot. We both went through the same shit, and he did help me to figure out my own head.”

"Yeah?” I nodded and exhaled, “I wanted to thank him, but now, I’m not sure what to do!"

I began pacing around. He didn’t speak more. He just waited and glanced up at me from time to time. He wanted a reaction from me and he was going to get one. I was boiling inside.

He could see how hurt I was and he knew why. Sam wasn’t just some guy I didn’t know and that I’d never have to see again. Not that it would have hurt less… but he was someone I may have to see and talk to in the future. He was someone he liked. He’d spent time with him, confided in him and written music with him…

“Talk to me,” he said, “please, just say something,” the worry and tension in his voice was palpable.

“Damn, you keep saying that you don’t want to hurt me, but you failed again … ‘cause it hurts, hurts like a motherfucker!”

He stayed quiet. He didn’t want to aggravate me more. After a few moments, I put my hands in my pockets and stood still.

“So, tell me why.” I asked and he looked up at me, his eyes full of regret, “Why did you have sex with him?” I asked softly.

He breathed out and gave a slight shrug. His eyes shifted away from mine,

“I don’t know. I must have a compulsive need to wreck everything.”

I raised my eyebrows at him,

“Yeah, let’s not bring David Bowie into this.”

He half-smiled because I had noticed instantly that he had quoted him. Then he stared at me nervously,

“I told you, he came on to me…”

I stared back,

“That’s bullshit,” I snapped at him.

“That’s the truth,” he answered, on the defensive.

“No it’s not,” I said with anger. “guys hit on you all the time. You could cheat on me every day of the week if you wanted to!”

He stared into space and blinked.

“So why?” I said louder, getting more upset. “Why this time? Why with him?” I asked, my voice getting choked up.

I couldn’t believe that I was doing this … but I was. I didn’t want to argue with him, not now … and yet, here I was, forcing him to get everything off his chest, everything he was actually mad at me about. He hesitated. We both knew it was the start of the biggest argument we’d ever had and there was no more avoiding it now.

Our eyes locked for a few seconds and then he said,

“’Cause he was there.”

I nodded, hurt by his admission.

“He was there, and you weren’t,” he said with sadness in his voice.

“So, it was my fault,” I said calmly, it wasn’t like his response was totally uncalled for.

“No… but I was missing you, and I was sad. He was sweet, and fun, and he cared about me. He made me forget about everything, for a while.…”

I frowned,

“He made you forget that you had a boyfriend?”

“You weren’t there,” he repeated with resentment, “You fucking left,” he said louder, he was getting upset too, “He sure as hell didn’t make me forget about that.”

“I had to leave,” I said, my eyes not leaving his.

“Says who? Tom? Dylan? Don’t you think you know me better than they do? I didn’t need you to leave.”

“Yes, you did. You needed me to call you out on your bullshit, because no one else but me could do that for you. You were under too much stress and you needed time away from everything.”

“I didn’t need time away from you,” he said and stood up as well, “I’m not sure you can say the same though,” he added dejectedly, “I didn’t need you to leave. Actually, all I really needed you to do, was to stay,” he said sadly, tears breaching his eyes.

I could feel myself welling up too so I took a deep breath to try and stay in control of my emotions, although the feeling was pretty powerful and difficult to stop.

“Fuck, Rob, I did what needed to be done to protect you and everything that we’ve built together, what’s so wrong with that?”

“Nothing, I guess,” he said in a whisper, a couple of tears rolling down his face that he wiped off

I knew too well where this argument was going and I didn’t like it. Fuck, I really didn’t want to do this,

“Rob, I love you,” I said wholeheartedly.

He nodded his head, casting his eyes down. After a pause, he spoke,

“I know you do.”

Then he looked up and locked eyes with me.

“But you doubted it.”

I avoided eye contact and sighed for a brief second and then I said straightforwardly, still trying hard to hold back my tears despite seeing the heartache in his eyes,

“You made me doubt it.”

I could feel myself getting mad at him again for not spending any time with me, but I knew it was unnecessary to bring it up yet again because the real source of our problems lay elsewhere. I didn’t want to be the one to say it though.

“You were never there,” I continued, “I had to make a fucking appointment to spend some time with you!” I said with resentment.

“I was only doing our job,” he retorted.

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “Our job is to write music together, promote it and play it live. That’s it. That’s our job! You… you were doing everything but that. You were just a bad headline waiting to happen!”

“Oh my god, I’ve apologized a million times,” he complained, throwing his arms up in the air.

“Yeah, and I told you, it’s in the past. You’re the one who thinks…”

I paused mid sentence and shook my head with a loud sigh. Fuck, I just didn’t want to go there. I was too worried about the consequences it might have. I didn’t want us to argue to the point that we’d need to spend some more time apart.

“Why did you neglect the band so much?” I asked him calmly.

He shrugged. “I don’t know… because you were…” he began saying, “...focused on delivering the album on time, and I just wasn’t…I just wasn’t into it. There was too much going on, at the same time, and I was just so sick of everything… I didn’t want to do it anymore, not so soon. ‘Cause it meant throwing ourselves into the promotion again and maybe that’s not how I wanted us to spend time together.”

I collected my thoughts for a few seconds,

“Is that what you think? That I devoted too much time to the band.”

“Yeah, you did,” he confirmed.

“And why did that become an issue?” I asked, though I knew why, I thought I knew what he had told Rachel and that she had refused to tell me. “The band’s always come first,” I added.

He said nothing. He was upset and he was trying as hard as I was to get back in control of his emotions. He knew why I had asked him that question but he was just as afraid as I was to say it.

“Rob, why did you do coke when you knew it was the one thing that I wouldn’t tolerate?”

Again, he didn’t give me an answer.

“Alright, then answer me this… Why did you need me to stay?” I asked, unable to hold back my tears anymore, that was my last attempt at making him say out loud what had really driven him to behave the way he had.

“I think you know why,” he responded.

I stared at him and shook my head slightly.

“Fuck, I hate that you’re thinking this,” I sighed deeply as I wiped tears from my eyes and sniffed.

“Thinking what,” he said, it wasn’t a question.

“That…,” I began saying reluctantly. “That the band is what holds us together.”

He looked down and swallowed hard.

“That if it weren’t for the band, we might not be together anymore, that I’d have moved on to someone else.”

Well, there you go… I had been the one to say it out loud and there was no taking it back. I regretted it almost instantly, but it had to come out.

I inhaled and exhaled deeply,

“Rob. The band is not what holds us together,” I began saying, and then paused, “and even if it is… that’s not a totally bad thing. It just makes our relationship that much stronger. It forces us to fight for it more!”

“Yes, it does,” he responded, locking eyes with me, “…But I’d really rather not have to fight for it,” he said straightforwardly.

His tone of voice made me ache and I let out a sad sigh. I stared into his watery eyes and felt a compelling need to reassure him. I stepped closer to him. I grasped his face between my hands and pulled him close to me. Pressing our foreheads together, I said,

“Please, don’t think that I'm with you because of the band. I'm with you because I love you … No matter what you do.”

He nodded and I stared intensely at him.

“Baby, I love you. I-I don’t want to be with anyone else, I don’t.” I said and realized I had pretty much said what he had written in the song.

He nodded again and sniffed a little,

“And yet, seeing Damien again is the first thing that you did,” he said.

I breathed out and let go of him.

He looked at me with saddened eyes.

“No,” I said, shaking my head, “That’s not fair. He’s the one who came back as soon as he saw that we were having trouble.”

His brows furrowed,

“You knew he would.”

I remained silent for a second or two as I watched him,

“No, I didn’t. I hadn’t heard from him in over two years. I had no idea that he’d show up.”

“But you wanted to see him again. ‘Cause you were confused about our relationship and you were having doubts. You know, you can be honest with me about that.”

“Oh, you want me to be honest with you?” I said, upset that he considered I hadn’t been honest.

“Yes, please… Let’s try that,” he said with self-assurance and waited for me to say something.

I looked into his eyes and breathed in and out,

“Alright then, yes!” I exclaimed. “I did expect him to show up at Jimmy’s party, and I stayed because I wanted to see him again. And yes, seeing him again was confusing… because he’s still so hung up on me and all he wants is to be with me, when you,” I said with a wave of my hand, “you had better things to do than to make time for me. You stopped prioritizing our relationship. And fuck, you even stopped prioritizing the band… and what for?” I asked, aggravated, “To see what’s most important to me? Like that’s a choice I should even have to make!” I snarled.

“Fuck, I didn’t do that intentionally! I just had enough of having our lives revolve around the band!”

“Well, so did I!” I responded louder than I had intended, “What d’you think? I was under as much pressure as you were… C’mon, I’m not made from the songwriting gods! How was I supposed to do it all on my own? I needed you.”

“Yeah, so it always comes back to the band. It’s the band first and I come second,” he said, confronting me.

I tried to breathe and refrain from crying,

“No, you don’t come second… I don’t want you to come second, but we’ve always made the band our main priority and it’s always worked for us.”

He shook his head,

“Well, it doesn’t work for me anymore! I don’t want the band to be more important than us. I want you to make me your priority, not the band. I don’t want us to be together because we feel obligated to be,” he said, his voice breaking with genuine emotion.

“Well, neither do I,” I responded with a frown, “and I don’t feel obligated to be with you,” I reassured him, “Rob, I didn’t leave because I loved you any less or because I wanted to protect the band,” I said, choking back tears, “I left because I just… I just couldn’t worry about you anymore,” I said genuinely, louder than I'd intended.

He didn’t respond but I could tell he understood that.

I paused and then softened my voice as I continued,

“And the only reason I saw Damien again was to tell him to move on with his life. I don’t want a relationship with him. I only want to make sure we don’t fuck up ours.”

He took a deep breath,

“What happened with him?” he asked worriedly, demanding a straight answer.

“Well, I didn’t fuck him!” I blurted out, still mad about the fact that he had fucked Sam.

He rolled his eyes slightly,

“But . . . you said you had something to tell me.”

“Yeah, I do. He comes on strong, he tried,” I confessed.

He grimaced,

“So what happened?" he asked.

I fidgeted and shifted my weight from one foot to the other because even though I didn’t really consider what had happened with Damien as cheating, I knew Rob would and I didn’t want Damien to come between us again. I cautiously began telling him what had happened with him. I told him about some of the stuff that I had told him and that he had told me and how he had tried to have sex with me and he listened, avoiding making eye contact with me. And then, since it didn’t seem to cause any reaction, I began telling him about the twink at the party and the fact that I had stupidly allowed him to blow me.

He pursed his lips disapprovingly,

“So, Damien got you so horned up that you had to find another guy to get you off?” he said with a mix of disappointment and exasperation.

I let out an anxious huff,

“No, it wasn’t like that… I dunno, I was drunk!”

“You were drunk?” he asked skeptically.

“Yeah, I was! I may have a pretty high tolerance to alcohol but I drank a lot more than usual.”

His brows furrowed,

“Don’t steal my line, that’s my excuse.”

I raised my shoulders slightly,

“Yeah, I guess I thought I should give it a try,” I said sarcastically.

He took a deep breath in. “You know what, I can’t…,” he began saying and walked away from me.

“Where you going?” I exclaimed and watched him head to the terrace door. “We’re in the middle of an argument here.”

“Yeah, well, I need a fuckin’ break from it,” he said, showing his frustration.

He opened the terrace door and walked outside.

I stood there for a few seconds, kind of motionless. I tried to breathe and calm myself down so I plopped myself down on the couch. I rested my head back against the couch cushion and let my emotions overtake me. I didn’t feel like crying anymore but I felt hurt, confused, sad and worried all at the same time.

I thought about everything that had been said for a moment. I’d known we’d argue. I hated it but we had to express our doubts and worries and to confront our problems once and for all because it was the only way to return to a point of clarity in our relationship. I didn’t want us to keep entertaining doubts about the strength of our bond because I didn’t have any doubts anymore.

Our problems were not insurmountable and I so wanted to put them behind us now. I didn’t want him to doubt the fact that I loved him as much I said I did. I knew we belonged together. Because I knew him better than I knew anyone else… because I had always felt a passion for him that few people experiences… because we were two halves of a whole.

I didn’t want us to split up. I was the kind of person who believed in moving forward and I only wanted to move forward with him. I loved him, no matter what, and I had never been more sure of that. I truly believed that all we needed to do was to communicate more and to reassure each other that we still shared the same feelings. We had somehow managed to make our love last from adolescence through to adulthood, and yes, the band had probably played an important role in keeping our relationship stable as we’dq changed, evolved and grown over the years, but that wasn’t why we were still together ten years later. I began thinking that after being a couple for this long, we were now faced with two options… either break up and let go of everything or take the relationship to the next level and really make it work long-term. To me, there was only one option.

After a long moment, I figured that we’d given each other enough time to cool off and sort things out in our heads so I joined him outside. The night air was chilly on my bare chest but I didn’t care. He turned and rested his back on the balcony rail. I could tell that he wasn’t mad and that he was ready to start talking again so I stepped closer to him.

We didn’t say a word. The look in our eyes spoke volumes. We embraced each other and a familiar flutter returned inside my heart. I rested my lips on the skin just below his ear and gave it a few soft kisses.

“I love you,” I murmured, “I’m so sorry.”

He breathed and drew me closer,

“I know. I’m sorry too.”

“I don’t want us to keep hurting each other. I love you so much,” I said and kissed his skin again, “all that Damien achieved was to make me even more certain of that. I don’t want to be with him. I don’t care about him. He can try as hard as he wants…,” I began saying and pulled back to look into his eyes, I placed my hand on the back of his head. “he’s not you,” I said lovingly and reassuringly, “he may believe that he’s in love with me, but he’ll never love me like you do.”

I placed a soft kiss on his lips,

“And I don’t want you to think that I don’t love you as much as you love me… because I do. Every time I think about you, I can’t believe how much I love you and that was never the issue.”

He nodded, his breath was warm against my lips,

“Babe, I know how much you love me but...,” he paused, “but sometimes, I think about the fact that I’m the one who started everything between us,” he said and then looked straight into my eyes, “I don’t want to lose you or be without you… but I need you to be honest with me about what you want and how you really feel. ‘Cause I can’t even imagine being with anyone else, and I want you to feel the same. I can’t bear the thought that you’re staying with me for the wrong reason.”

I frowned lightly, unable to take my eyes from his,

“You didn’t start everything between us…”

He looked confused.

“You didn’t,” I said resolutely, “I did.”

My hand traveled down from his face to his arm,

“I wasn’t quite willing to voice it so I let you take the lead but you didn’t force me into anything. I wanted to have sex with you even though I was too afraid to ask for it.”

He smiled slightly.

“I didn’t know if it meant that I was gay, and yeah, I didn’t want to admit it to myself at first but I kept coming back for more and it didn’t take me very long to decide you were the only one I wanted to be with. You were all I could think about. I didn’t just go along with it because you were in love with me, or to make you happy, or because it was fun and exciting and you were giving me amazing blowjobs,” I said with a small chuckle.

He relaxed and let out a laugh and I continued,

“I knew that I loved you. I had no idea where it’d take us, but I was willing to question everything in my life. I wanted you just as bad as you wanted me. And I still do.” I said.

I wrapped my hands around his neck and gave him a loving kiss before looking into his eyes again,

“Even more than I did back then. And what happened since then, everything we’ve experienced together, I wouldn’t change it for the world, and I wouldn’t want it any other way, but I’d love you just the same if it hadn’t happened.”

The expression on his face showed relief and contentment where there’d been only confusion and anxiety before.

“I swear to you, the band is not what holds us together. It’s not,” I repeated, “of-course, I want to protect it because it’s an amazing job and we’re fucking good at it too but…,” I stopped and sighed. I was feeling the need to apologise, “Babe, I’m so sorry if I put too much pressure on you...”

“No,” he shook his head immediately, “No,” he repeated, “you didn’t. I like that you challenge me. You make me want to be the best version of myself. I don’t expect anything less from you,” he said.

I smiled and caressed his cheek with my thumb,

“I want you to shine, because I know that you can. You’re beautiful and you’re amazing and you deserve the best. I only want you to be happy. I’ll do anything to make sure that you are. If it means dropping the band, then I will…I’d give up everything for you,” I assured him.

He wrapped his arms around me and I nuzzled into his neck.

“I love you,” I repeated with all the emotions that I was feeling, “I love you more than anyone else on this fucking earth.”

He hugged me tighter.

“Oh god,” he said with a mix of passion and desperation, “fucking marry me already!”

It only took me a second or two to take in what he’d just said and to realize what it meant for our future. I pulled my head back to look at him.

“Wow!” I exclaimed with a deep chuckle, “This third marriage proposal might just be the most romantic one to date!” I smiled playfully, “I mean, I might just say yes.”

He gave a giggle and narrowed his brows,

“Do it,” he pleaded, “Say yes, quit torturing me!” he teased.

I looked into his pleading eyes for a moment, wanting nothing more than to say yes and make him happy. He flashed me a cheeky grin,

“I promise you, we’ll make it fun!”

I shrugged and pursed my lips playfully.

“I mean, c’mon!” he exclaimed, “you know I’m gonna slay this thing, right?”

I let out a laugh and rolled my eyes,

“Ok,” I said simply.

He stared at me,

“Ok?” he asked in surprise.

“Yes,” I nodded with a small shrug.

“Are you saying yes?” he asked, his face breaking out into a huge grin.

“I’m saying yes,” I confirmed with a warm smile, not quite believing it myself but wanting to pledge myself to him forever, and if this was the way he needed me to do it, then so be it.

He let out a satisfied chuckle, kind of speechless, and smiled broadly as he stared at me. I lost myself in his beautiful, happy and slightly moist eyes and then I wrapped my arms around him. We hugged each other long and intensely. We didn’t speak for a long moment. It seemed like no more words were needed.

He kissed my shoulder lightly and I whispered,

“Do not invite my mother though.”

He let out a sweet chuckle, the kind you make when you laugh and cry at the same time.

“No, I’ll just send her the most scandalous pictures!” he said in my ear devilishly.

“You really don’t want her to like me!” I joked.

“I’m just saying, if she’s naive enough to hope you’re not sleeping with me or that you’re still with Rachel, then we really need to make it official.”

“I guess we do,” I smiled.

Slowly, we broke the hug and looked deep into each other’s eyes. Our smiles vanished. I took his face between my hands and he placed one hand on the back of my head to draw me closer to him. His other hand was on the small of my back. He applied pressure and pushed our crotches together. Our noses were touching and I brought my lips closer to his. When our mouths came together and we began kissing, I realized that I had been wrong before… This was the best kiss we had ever shared. It was tender, intimate, passionate and forgiving and it felt like a new beginning.

As we kissed, I thought that I had to accept the fact that being in love with him would not always be easy, given the pressures of our job, the fame, the public scrutiny and the fact that he was relentlessly hounded by fans, journalists and all kind of people in the industry.

We both knew we’d have to work on our relationship more than we had in the past to be stronger as a couple, and that it wouldn’t always be easy… but if love was easy, it wouldn’t be so damn hard to find, nurture or even let go of. Loving him was often painful and confounding and exhausting and frustrating, but also so overwhelmingly awesome.

It felt like we had only kissed each other for a short moment, when I felt him push me away gently, grabbing me by the biceps. I didn’t want to stop kissing him so I tried to bring his lips to mine again but he resisted and stared into my eyes intensely, the light in them sending a shiver down my spine.

He wasn't letting go and he wasn't saying anything.

“What?” I asked with need.

His mouth turned into a smile as he continued to stare at me,

“Nothing,” he was holding my arms and starting to breathe harder, I felt like we were going to stay like this forever until he said, “I just love you so damn much.”

“I know, I love you,” I smiled and leaned in to lightly brush my lips against his.

He sighed, his eyes dashing downward for a moment,

“I know what it feels like to lose you and I don’t wanna feel like that ever again,” he said, shaking his head.

“You won’t,” I said, “I promise.”

He let go of my arms and one of his hands slid gently and slowly up and down my torso, noticing the lines of my abs, the sharp line dividing my chest.

“I don’t know why,” he said seriously, “but I’ve always loved you so much that it sometimes scared me that it wouldn’t last…” he cast his eyes upwards, locking them with mine. “but I realise now that it will.”

I smiled,

“I guess we can both stop worrying about losing each other,” I said and hugged him tightly.

Before I knew it, he pulled back and brushed his nose against my ear and my cheek before crushing his lips against mine. He pushed his tongue between my teeth and pushed me up against the large terrace table. I realized instantly that we were going to have mind-blowing sex again. My cock was already hardening as I felt him lift me up onto the table with a moan.

While still kissing me, his hands caressed my chest. He paused for a second as his hand made its way to the back of my neck and then launched an oral assault on my neck, licking and sucking. I tilted my head back to enjoy his kisses and then placed my hands on his shoulders and eased him down a bit. He trailed his tongue down my chest and found my left nipple and licked and nipped at it with his teeth. I groaned with pleasure as I held myself up by putting my hands behind me on the table. He moved to the other nipple then stuck out his tongue and licked down the trail of fine hair that led to my navel. I let him take control again and was more than happy to wait until he decided that he wanted me to take control too.

When he got down to my joggers, he grabbed me by the ass and pulled me off the table.

We kissed again and only a few seconds later, we had stumbled back into the room, my lips never parting from his.

He slid his hand down my back and into my joggers until he had both his hands on my butt cheeks. He squeezed and caressed my ass as we stepped closer to the couch. I wrapped my arms around him and we continued kissing passionately until he pushed me down onto my back on the couch and yanked my joggers off, leaving me completely naked. Then he took off what he was wearing. Straddling me, his lips found my neck again and I tilted my head back with a moan as the feel of his lips on my skin made me tremble. I let out a soft sigh as his kisses became quicker and harder. My hands moved from the sides of his face, down his back, eternally exhilarated by the feel of his tight and smooth skin.

Then he bit lightly at my lower lip, then actually bit a little harder, causing me to make a noise. I responded by lunging forward with my head, attacking his mouth. I could hear his breath quickening, and I could feel it against my face

“I want you so much,” he said.

“I want you more,” I said, nipping at him, feeling how intense our feelings for each other were.

He started to slide down my body again, his hands roaming all over me, his lips and tongue following his hands. He sucked, licked and bit at my nipples eliciting soft cries of pleasure from me. Then he pushed my arms out and bringing his face into my armpit, he kissed my skin, inhaling my scent.

“Oh Rob,” I sighed, rocking my hips against his crotch.

He slid back down me, making sure to leave no part of me dry. He moved with the singular purpose of pleasuring me. I closed my eyes and began to feel his nose moving through my trimmed pubes. His hands lightly tickled my scrotum, causing it to firm up. His tongue started to slide back and forth on my cock before I felt my entire shaft sinking into his mouth.

I concentrated on the sound of his breath, so heated, so full of energy. I raised my hands over my head, giving myself over to the pleasure and I wondered for a second if I’d ever be on top again.

After a moment, he pulled off and used his tongue to bath my balls in his mouth. Then he licked his way up my shaft and his lips returned to the tip of my cock. He dove back down, sucking my shaft deeper and deeper into his mouth as he tugged on my balls. It felt like he was sucking me for hours. Precum must have escaped my slit, which he began to tongue. I didn’t want him to stop but I was beginning to wonder how much longer I could hold out. He must have noticed because he began to spread my legs and move them more toward me.

Suddenly his tongue pressed against my naturally smooth hole, and my eyes shot open, but only for a moment as I sighed in delight. My knees bent toward my chest, his hands on the underside of my thighs, his tongue began to explore my ass again. At first, he licked up and down, then side to side before beginning a circular motion, concentrating on the wrinkly ridges of my hole. As always, his tongue was firm and precise and I was loving it.

He was breathing out of his nose as his tongue began to push further inside me.

“Oh yeah,” I cried, feeling like I would die happy if this was to be my last memory.

I felt his hands slide down to the corners of his mouth, and then his fingers lightly began to spread my hole open, allowing him to move in deeper with his tongue.

“God, this feels so good,” I moaned, pressing the back of my head into the cushion.

His tongue continued and began to periodically be joined by one or more of his fingers. My hole felt like it was on fire, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to get fucked again so soon but I was so aroused that what he was doing still felt really good.

“Be right back, don’t move, stay right here!” he ordered.

He came back with the bottle of lube. He poured some in the palm of his hand and smeared it all over my dick.

I looked at him mildly surprised.

“You didn’t think I was going to fuck you again, did you?” he teased.

I shrugged as I sat up,

“I wouldn’t have minded. But yeah, alright, this is good too,” I said.

He chuckled and straddled my lap. I realised that he wanted to ride me and that he wasn’t going to wait any longer but I wanted to play with his ass like he had played with mine and give it a good rimming.

I tried to push him down or flip him over but he grinned at me and forced me to stay still in a sitting position on the couch.

His hands on my body made sure that I wouldn’t try to move as he got himself into position. He rubbed my pectoral muscle with one hand, squeezed my bicep with the other and pressed his lips against mine.

“Come on, baby,” he said seductively. “I can’t take it anymore, I need to feel you inside me again.”

“You’re sure that’s what you want?” I asked, teasingly.

“Oh, yeah, I’m sure,” he responded with desperation.

“And you’re not gonna let me play with that ass?” I said, rubbing his ass cheeks.

“I’m not, I just want your dick,” he sighed, “C’mon, let me have it, I want it so bad right now,” he begged seductively, which just made me want him even more.

He pressed his lips on mine and kissed me deeply for a few seconds, his strong hands on my body still forcing me to stay still.

My hands grasped his strong thighs, pulling at the short hairs on them. I urged him to get up on his knees so that I could at least give his cock the attention it deserved. He did and his cock rubbed up against my chest. I placed my hands on his ass and propelled him up a bit further so that I could wrap my lips around his gorgeous cock.

“Fuck,” he gasped when my tongue began playing with his balls.

Soon he was holding himself up by placing his hands on the back of the couch. When I first made contact with his cock, I began licking my way up and down its length, stopping on spots I knew would make him whimper. He began slowly fucking my face, moaning about how great it felt.

“Oh yeah, suck my dick, I love how your mouth feels,” he sighed with pleasure.

I had just made the decision that this is what I would be doing with the rest of my life when he quickly withdrew his penis and sat back down on my thighs. He kissed me for a while, his hands on the side of my face then reached down and wrapped his hand around my pole, stroking it softly. With his other hand he reached over and grabbed the lube again.

I grinned. “You really can’t wait, can you?”

“I’ve waited for over two fucking months,” he replied with desperation.

“Ouch,” I said.

He poured the lube into his hand again and then all over my cock and began stroking it. When he had finished, he reached the same hand behind him and applied some lube to his hole. He moaned at his own touch, which of course made me want to explode. He then raised himself up, kneeled closer to me, held my cock, and started lowering himself onto me, slowly adjusting to my size.

“Oh God, Rob, I love you so much!” I groaned.

I felt my cockhead slide in and listened to his moans as he lowered himself down, inch by inch. His eyes were closed, but mine were wide open. I watched my cock from behind his balls slide in and out of him as he began to raise himself up and down. He grabbed my shoulder and I pulled his tight ass cheeks apart.

“Oh baby, you feel so tight, it’s so good,” I panted, feeling my cock slide deep into him.

He smiled and began to move up and down again. I helped him with my hands behind his thighs. I moved my hips and fucked his hole and he stayed still and let me do the work. I knew I was hitting the right spot from his moans.

“Oh, oh, fuck, aw shit, you feel so good,” he panted

As he was saying this, he began moving and taking control again, slowly at first but then he was going fast sooner than I had expected, fully enjoying having me inside him and savouring the sensations running through his body. He dick was rock fucking hard and drippin pre-cum on my skin.

As he opened his eyes and looked at me, a look of contentment spread over his face. I wrapped both my hands around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. We made out intensely and then my hands were all over his chest, his thighs and his ass.

He continued riding me for a moment and I just stared at him, evey inch of him, enjoying every second of it. He looked gorgeous and I was completely comfortable and happy watching him, simply because it just felt so good to be able to give him that unique pleasure again, to see him give himself into the feelings as my manhood pushed agaisnt his prostate. I could tell from the focused look on his face that he was getting close and we groaned simultanuously as I began moving my hips again, making him shudder with pleasure.

“Ohh,” he moaned.

His eyes fluttered and I immediately wrapped my fist around his hard member. I felt him take control again, his ballsack slapping against skin as he moved up and down. I jerked him off just the way he liked it and he threw his head back.

"Ohh, yeah," he whimpered. “I, I, I'm, omigod...”

“You gonna cum?” I asked sensually.

“Ohhh, jesus,” was his answer. I pulled him toward me and embraced him tight, my hands pressed against his firm, smooth back, his head cradled in my neck and he started shooting ropes of cum onto my chest. His third orgasm of the night was still long and intense. The jerking movements he had started making tightened his ass around my cock, which almost sent me over the edge. I tried to hold off blowing my load as he remained quivering, fully finishing his orgasm. Leaving me inside him, he kissed me deeply, placing his hands on either side of my face.

Then I grabbed him firmly and began lying him down on the couch. My cock slipped out of him, but as he lay on his back on the couch, I leaned over him and opened his legs. He drew his legs up further so that my cock pushed up against his hole again and I positioned myself by his opening and plunged back in immediately.

“Oh, fuck,” he cried, his eyes closing. “I can’t believe how good you feel. God, I love you.”

I began rocking my hips, supporting my weight with my hands on the couch.

“I love you too,” I responded, thrusting inside him.

He pulled my face toward his and we made out. Then I moved faster, feeling my balls tightening and drawing closer to my body. I was determined to last for as long as he needed me to, and it seemed as though he was ready to go for the rest of the night.

I continued fucking him and watching him at the same time. I loved watching his face when he was being fucked. I loved watching his body move, always in rhythm, always a bit like a dance. I loved watching the sweat move down his body, his nipples hardening.

“Let me turn around,” he said after a moment, lightly pushing me away from him. My cock slid out of him again and he flipped over, lifting his ass up in the air. I placed my hands on his ass, pulling his cheeks apart, exposing his hidden treasure, open and moist. My cock popped back inside him and I laid my chest on over his back, my arms on either side of him.

He began meeting my thrusts with his own, quickly working himself into a frenzy of passion.

“Oohh, feels so good,” he panted. “Fuck me, baby. Fill me with your cock.”

We moved faster and faster and I knew my climax was just around the corner. I asked him if he wanted me to jerk him off, because with the pace he was going, I was pretty sure he would be able to cum again.

“No,” he answered. “I just wanna concentrate on your dick,” he panted and pushed his ass harder against me.

I continued pleasuring his ass, moaning, breathing, kissing and sucking his neck and caressing the small of his back or his ass.

“Do you like that?” I asked, wanting to hear him talking dirty.

“Yeah, I love it.”

“You love being fucked, don’t you?’

“I love it when you fuck me,” he whimpered.

“No one but me will ever fuck you,” I moaned, pumping inside him, at this point trying to hold back from cumming.

“Oh God, no,” he said and expelled a long, satisfied sigh as he turned his head to kiss me.

My lips connected with his and I gave him small thrusts, about half of my cock withdrawing from him each time as I began to approach my orgasm.

“Oh god,” I moaned a few minutes later. “I can feel it coming, I’m gonna cum.”

“Do it, cum inside me, cum inside my ass,” he ordered.

I let out a groan. "Oh, babe, here I, oh, oh, OHHHH!"

I exploded high inside him. Despite the fact that I had already cum twice, the pleasure of fucking him again made me spurt jet after jet of cum inside him, his hole feeling a bit like a vice, milking every last drop out of me.

"Oh yeah, oh yeah," he moaned as I finished my orgasm.

I collapsed on top of him, my cock still inside him. We were both thoroughly exhausted. Thoroughly elated. Neither of us could speak. There was no need to say anything. We were just as we had always been, happy to just be together. I always felt calmer when I was with him and this time was no exception. I knew he felt the same, calmer and content.

“Let’s shower and go to bed,” I said after a while. “You’ve thoroughly exhausted me.”

He let out a laugh and we slowly made our way to the bathroom and then went to bed, sleep rapidly encroaching upon us.

----------

I woke up a few hours later, well-rested. I had no idea what time it was but again, I was alone in bed.

The bedroom door was open so I yelled playfully,

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“I’m just ordering breakfast,” he yelled back a few seconds later, “You made me skip dinner last night, I’m fuckin’ starving!”

“Get your sexy ass back in bed,” I called to him

“What do you want for breakfast?”

“Your dick!” I yelled my answer.

He walked back into the bedroom a couple of minutes later and crawled back into bed with me, completely naked, just like when we had fallen asleep.

“Breakfast is served,” he joked and I snuggled close to him. “That’s better,” I said

He grinned as he felt my erection pressing up against him.

I began to kiss his lips, feeling his tongue wrap around mine. His hands grasped my smooth shoulders and pulled me closer to him. We made out for a long moment and just enjoyed the fact that we could wake up together again and have morning sex, which we loved.

Eventually I pulled away from him, placing his arms by his sides.

“Mmmh, it’s so good to wake up with you again,” he sighed.

“You’re damn right, it is,” I smiled.

He closed his eyes and I began to place kisses all over his body, and I could tell that he loved not knowing where or when they would come, so he kept his eyes closed. I kissed his neck, then his nipples. Then his stomach, then the tops of his legs. I was moving all over, kissing his feet, then quickly moving to kiss his biceps and shoulders. His cock was rock hard the entire time, and he continually gasped and moaned, occasionally opening his eyes to see what part of me he was feeling brushing across his skin.

I tucked my knees under his arms and lowered my body ever so slightly, until my balls lightly touched his lips. His mouth immediately opened, and he sucked in one of them, groaning, and rolling his tongue. I shifted and brought him the other one, bringing forth a sigh of my own. I withdrew once again, leaning over him, letting my cock brush up against his face. He turned his head and opened his eyes again to find the head and bring it into his mouth. I gave him what he wanted and he sucked hungrily at my cock, his tongue working its familiar magic.

“Mmm, mmm,” he moaned.

Once I started realizing that I could cum at any second, I pulled my cock out of his mouth, and moved down the bed until I was greeted by his own hard member. I kissed his cock all over, nuzzling my face in between his legs before finally starting to go down on him.

“Oh yeah,” he sighed, thrusting his hips forward, with each stroke I tried to move lower, eventually deep-throating him a few times, his hand on the back of my head.

Realizing that I was getting hungry, and that breakfast didn’t sound so bad, I continued sucking, taking him down to the base, feeling his trimmed pubes against my lips, knowing he’d soon feed me his cum.

“Ugh, ugh!” he cried, releasing his load in my mouth.

He tasted incredibly sweet and he came more than I thought he would, forcing me to work to swallow it all. He was panting and whimpering and after taking all he had to offer, I crawled back up him, crushing my lips against his, letting him get a small taste of himself. He kissed me hungrily, and he reached down to grab my cock, sticking it in between his chest and hand. I began to hump myself against his stomach, quickly crying out and cumming all over him, my cum sealing us together.

I lowered myself onto him completely, resting my head in the crook of his neck. We stayed in this position until we heard a knock on the door.

I raised my head and asked, “So, what did you order for breakfast?”

“Everything you like, baby, starting with my cum,” he laughed.

He disentangled himself from me and quickly got off the bed, slipped something on and walked out of the bedroom.

I got up as well and checked the messages on my phone.

Jordan had left a message on whatsapp in our group chat that said,

“You guys ok? Had sex and made up?”

Damon had answered,

“Quit meddling dude!”

 

“What! I just wanna know if I’m out of a job. I don’t have a backup plan,” Jordan had answered.

They basically had a whole super long and funny conversation about us and what would happen for them if we didn’t get back together. I laughed as I began reading it, asking Rob if I should answer.

He began reading their conversation as well and said,

“Nah, let them fret about it!”

My eyebrows furrowed. “That’s not cool. I mean come on, Jordan's already considering joining the military!" I said jokingly.

He laughed.

"I might call Rachel later. Did you have anything planned today?”

“Yeah, I did, but I cancelled. I do have to see the vocal coach though. But only for like an hour this afternoon.”

“Alright, that’s fine, I’ll just wait for you here,” I said as I began typing and reassured them that we were ok; I told Rachel that I’d call her in the evening, which would be morning for them.

“You can hit the gym or the pool,” he suggested.

Then we began eating breakfast, not speaking much, just content to be hanging out together.

“So…not that I want to speak of it again,” he began saying awkwardly after a few moments of silence, I looked at him and he said, “but, about Sam – how do you feel about it now? Do you think you can,” he said hesitantly, I understood that he needed me to forgive him.

I shushed him,

“I don’t want to make a huge deal out of it, ok?” I said and paused. “… But if you need me to say it, then, yes, I forgive you. I understand why it happened, and I know it’s something you’ll never do again.”

He shook his head,

“No. I’m so sorry though,” he apologized heartfully again.

“I know you are. So am I,” I said, feeling just as guilty for cheating too.

“Ugh!” he shrugged, “It was just a blowjob, I can live with that,” he said, “I’m just glad you told Damien to go fuck himself.”

I chuckled,

“Who's Damien?”

He gave a small smile and then I gazed at him for a few seconds, feeling ill-at-ease,

“Look, I don’t want to hold that against you, and I hope you won’t either. I mean, I’m not gonna lie, it really hurts that you cheated on me and I don’t really want to think about it or talk about it… but I’ll get over it, don’t worry about that,” I said with a small shrug.

He pursed his lips,

“I’ll make sure you do,” he promised, his eyes locking with mine.

He breathed out and remained silent for a moment. I waited for him to say what was on his mind,

“You know what I realised afterwards though?” he asked.

“What?”

“I kinda let it happen because we joked so many times about having a threesome with him.”

I cringed,

“Yeah, I can’t believe you did that without me,” I said, faking being upset.

He chuckled,

"Look - I think, maybe, we should stop… having threesomes.”

I raised my eyebrows and nodded my head in agreement,

“I mean,” he continued, “I know we’ve always been able to separate sex from love. It was always hot and fun and I’ve never felt jealous, but I don’t know, it kinda feels like we’re getting too old for this. You know, been there, done that. I only want to be with you, and I don’t want to have to worry about some guy coming between us.”

I nodded,

“Yeah, sure, I get your point. I mean, I’ve always loved the fact that we could, like, explore together without making a big deal out of it, but if it starts making us think that it’s somewhat ok to cheat on each other, then yeah, I guess that means it’s time to stop.”

“Yeah. It was fun, but maybe we should leave that part of our sex life behind with our twenties,” he said and I smiled, feeling this irrepressible need to make a joke.

I grinned,

“We still have three years left though.”

He looked at me with a frown,

“Are you serious?!” he exclaimed.

I laughed,

“No?” I asked jokingly.

“You dumbass,” he laughed, pushing my shoulder.

“What?” I exclaimed playfully and leaned closer to him, “I still think it’s super hot to show you off and watch you pound a guy who’s lusting after my boyfriend! Because I know he can never have you more than once and more than what I’m willing to let him have.”

He listened, noticeably enjoying the sound of my voice as I was saying this.

“Husband?” he said seriously.

I narrowed my brows,

“Alright,” I said and started the sentence again, “I still think it’s super hot to watch my husband fuck another guy…,” I paused, “Yeah, no, ok, that doesn’t sound right,” I said, shaking my head.

“No, it doesn’t,” he confirmed.

After a pause, he said,

“But if it does happen again, then we’ll really have to discuss it beforehand and make sure we’re on the same wavelength.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “I guess if one of us wants a threesome, then we should really ask ourselves why we want to do it and set clear boundaries.”

We grew quiet for a moment and I began watching him. As I watched him, I started thinking about he and Sam, fucking, in a L.A. gay club… and I let out a chuckle.

“I’m definitely going to stop joking about having a threesome with another gay celebrity,” I said sarcastically.

He looked at me and smirked.

“I still can’t believe you fucked him!” I said and began laughing a little shaking my head.

He lowered his head shamefully. After a few seconds, he complained,

“Fuck, I knew you’d laugh about it.”

The tone of his voice as he said that made me laugh more,

“Was he good?” I asked after a few seconds.

“Oh, come on, don’t do that. It was dark and we were drunk…can we not talk about this, please?” he begged.

“This is gonna be awkward!” I said, slowing shaking my head, knowing that we’d run into him at some point.

“Just pretend it didn’t happen, I know that’s what I’ll do!” he responded.

“In the club, Rob, seriously? Didn’t anybody see you?”

“I don’t know, I wasn’t looking at anyone. If they did, then they didn’t give a damn.”

I shook my head in exasperation,

“You’re lucky I didn’t find out about it from the media, I would have fucking killed you!”

“Yeah, that would’ve been bad,” he said, thinking about it, his eyes staring into space.

“Just a bad headline waiting to happen!” I said, looking at him judgmentally.

He chuckled,

“I think I’ve learned my lesson.”

“Yeah? Are you saying that I can finally stop worrying about you?” I asked.

He gave a small shrug,

We grew quiet and finished our breakfast. Then he picked up his phone and scrolled though it for a brief moment. I stood up to clear the table and he said, standing up as well,

“How do you fancy going to this restaurant for dinner?” he asked, showing me the webpage of a gourmet restaurant on his phone.

“Are you taking me out on a date?” I asked flirtatiously.

“I sure am…future husband,” he grinned.

I smiled at the sound of that,

“Mmh, doesn’t sound so bad. I probably can get used to this,” I said.

“You’d better,” he said and slapped my ass before wrapping his arms around my chest and kissing the side of my face.

-----------

We left the center the following week but stayed in the States for over a month after that. Rob wanted to stay to shoot the carpool karaoke with James Corden that Claire had arranged. Although he had told me all about it, I couldn’t wait to watch it.

Then, we drove to Las Vegas, and although we could have, we didn’t get married there… but… we decided to get a matching finger tattoo, something small that we could hide under the band. We got a star and then on our inner wrist, we got the notes from our song Yellow, ‘Look at the stars’ tattooed.

Then we took a road trip through the canyons, which was a trip we had already taken before with our friends, but that we felt like taking again before going back home. Firstly, because the American West was fascinating and so breathtakingly beautiful, and secondly, because we badly needed to spend alone time together and find each other again. It felt like it had been so long since we were really alone together, just the two of us, for days on end… no fans, no friends, no press, no radio or TV people, no label, no manager, no security guard, no reporters, no paparazzi, just us.

During the trip, we began to share pictures or videos on Instagram again, delighting the fans.

We mostly used ephemeral Instagram stories and shared quick, off the cuff moment of the stuff we were doing, until one evening, Rob decided to go live to answer their questions.

“Hello people…,” he said as he sat on the sofa in our hotel room, his laptop on the coffee table.

“Is anyone there?” he asked as he waited for the fans to send their messages and questions. I didn’t join him at first, busy fixing us something to eat with food we had just bought, and I wanted him to start the stream without me anyway.

After saying hello to all the fans who kept joining the live stream, he said,

“I can’t believe there’s already 85,000 people watching me doing nothing right now,” he said to me jokingly.

Who you talkin’to?” he read.

“Wo d’you think I’m talkin to?” he responded with a wink.

“Alright…so yeah, we’re in the States at the moment,” he said, answering a question “we’re lost in the middle of nowhere, don’t try to find us,” he joked, faking being scared.

“Hey mate, are you coming back to Australia?” he read.

“Yes, sure. We love Australia. Australia’s awesome!”

“Hello Mexico, hello Sweden…,” he kept naming countries. “Hello Japan, oh my god, I love Japan, it’s like no other place in the world.”

Then, he kept thanking people for a long moment because he was getting a lot of compliments.

Are you recording in L.A?” he read.

“No, no, not recording. Actually, we have recorded songs but we just don’t think that they’re good enough! So, yeah, we’re gonna need more time. But don’t worry, I’m sure the wait will be worth it. We’re taking a break now, because we need to live a little and yeah… find inspiration in our everyday lives; But we want you all to know that we’ll get back into the studio, soon … and put an amazing album out, that hopefully you will like, yeah, probably some time next year!”

The questions were pouring in and he tried to select the ones he wanted to give an answer to. For a long moment, I just listened.

“Why did you postpone the release?” he read.

“Because... like I said…look, we don’t want to sound ungrateful for what we have, because we are so grateful and I think we’re the luckiest people in the world, but you know, there’s moments in life when it feels like it’s too much and… we just need more time because we don’t wanna release a record that we’re not 100% proud of.”

“Are you saying that all the songs you’ve already recorded will never see the light of day?”

“Probably not, no. I don’t know. But you see, we really need to be in a good place to write music… and I don’t think that we were, so yeah, we need to be in a better place and really give it our all and challenge ourselves, so that when we’re done, we can feel proud of the record we’re giving up to the world! I think that the songs we’ve recorded so far, we played it safe… and I don’t feel passionate enough about those songs to enjoy singing them live, ‘cause I’m like, asking myself… how the hell am I gonna sing this live? So to me, that just means that they’re not good enough and we need to do it again, if that makes any sense!”

He was silent for a moment and scrolled through the comments.

“Sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself – that is true!” he said.

“Are you going to collaborate with other artists again?” he read.

“Yeah, we’d love to!” the fans named a few of the artists they’d like to see us work with and he talked with them about each one of them, then concluded,

“There are so many people we’d like to write with, so yeah, it might happen with a few of them!”

“Do you get nervous before you walk on stage?” he read.

“Yes, of course I do. I get very nervous. But I do think that nerves are important, and they just mean that I care. They motivate me to practice more, and get better, and make sure you enjoy yourself and get the best gig possible….You know being famous brings a lot of anxiety and it’s easy to stress about everything and freak out for no reason, which I did many times during our last tour.”

He continued talking about that and reading their comments and then he read,

“Is it true that you and Mark broke up over the summer?”

He looked at me and let out a laugh, then he tried to answer without saying too much,

“Well, the media thinks we’ve split up, like, all the time, you know, either me and Mark, or the whole band, and it’s never true. So, yeah don’t worry about us, we’re fine,” he paused and added over dramatically, “but you know, there’s drama in gay relationships, like you wouldn’t believe!” he joked, rolling his eyes.

“So glad to know you guys are ok, you make me believe in love. I knew you’d work through your issues”

“Aw, yeah, we’re good, don’t worry. We actually don’t know how to stay mad at each other. Thank you for all the support and concern though, you guys are the best!”

He smiled as he read a comment,

“You’ve made an impact on all of our lives, in some way or another. It looks like you’re having so much fun, please never stop!”

“No, we don’t plan on giving up, we just want to enjoy the ride!” he said.

After reading a few more comments, he turned to me with a laugh and then, began reading,

“What do you say to people who think Shawn Mendes is a younger and straighter version of you.”

“See!” I exclaimed with a laugh as I had compared Shawn to him a few months back in an interview.

There was just something about Shawn Mendes that reminded me of Rob back when we were nineteen and at the start of our career.

He laughed and the fans commented on that,

“Who says that? I think you’re the one who started that comparison,” he said to me.

“I think I did, yeah!” I joked.

He began answering,

“Well, I’d say yeah, he’s definitely younger – definitely straighter, I think. And from what I see, probably a lot less dangerous to hang out with!”

“Definitely!” I said louder.

“That’s right! I am dangerous!” he said, chomping his teeth like Iceman in Top Gun.

I eventually sat down next to him so the fans could see me as well and there were hundreds of ‘hello’, or ‘I love you’ messages or comments about Rob and I and the fact that we looked good, happy and a bit different since they hadn’t seen pictures or videos of us in a while.

“Hey, hello, love you guys, I’m doing great, thank you,” I repeated as I read their messages. They began asking me many music related questions that I answered.

“What kind of album are you going to make this time?” I read.

“Well, you know, like Rob said, I think we’ll probably start from scratch, so it’s hard to tell. But we’ve always been the kind of band that tries to write universal music, using our own personal experiences, so since you guys love trying to figure out what our lyrics really mean, I’m sure you’ll be happy with the record!” I grinned at Rob because we had already started to find great ideas and lyrics for new songs.

“Can’t wait to hear the new songs live,” I read.

“Yeah, and we can’t wait to play them to you and see your reactions … and see if we’ve done it again or not! We’ll definitely try to be genuine on this record and put it all out there. Everything that’s happened in our lives, all the experiences we’ve had since the last album…because every new album is, like, about a new chapter in our lives,” I said, looking at Rob, who nodded at that.

“Can you play a tune?” I read.

“I would,” I answered, “but I don’t have a guitar with me. Can you believe that?” I said, turning to Rob, “I don’t have a guitar with me!”

“Oh shit! Are you gonna start experiencing withdrawal symptoms?” he asked jokingly.

“Who the hell knows, I might! Never spent that much time without a guitar,” I laughed.

“I’ll buy you one,” he offered.

I gasped,

“Oh, get me a ‘Majesty Monarchy’!” I asked with a pleading grin, because it was one of the best guitars in the word.

“You really don’t have a taste for luxury and perfection, baby!” he joked sarcastically because of the Ferrari I’d bought.

I grinned with a laugh,

“Which is why I’ve got you as a boyfriend, you’re perfect!”

“That is true, he’s not lying!” he said facing the webcam.

He told them about the Ferrari they had helped pay for, teasing me, and they commented on that for a moment.

“Do you like driving?” I read.

“Does he like driving?” Rob exclaimed, looking straight at the webcam, “He’s a control freak,” he said with a smile, “he needs to be in the driver seat with his hands firmly on the steering wheel.”

I just stared at him until he looked at my eyes. When he did, I smiled and he said apologetically,

“I love you though!”

I gave a little chuckle and he leaned closer to me. He pretended he was going to kiss me a couple of times and I looked at him mischievously before actually pecking his lips with a smile,

“I love this boy,” he said, squeezing my cheeks, “isn’t he adorable?” he asked them.

We read a few more comments out loud and answered random questions for a moment until Rob read, smiling at me,

“Are you guys ever gonna get married, you’re the best celebrity couple ever!” he read, although he had avoided reading similar messages aloud since the stream had begun.

“Aw, I’m working on it!” he replied with a nod and wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

By this point, most of the comments were about our relationship so we answered a few more of their questions and then ended the stream, happy that we had reconnected with the fans a little.

----

Ten months later, we were in the studio, listening to the vocals Rob had just recorded. We had collaborated with the American rapper Big Sean on a song we called 'Miracles.'

The conversations we'd had with our respective dads had inspired us to write a song about them and the words of motivation they had whispered… or not… into our ears growing up… as well as the sound advice Rob had received from his dad during his times of self-doubt.

It was about the importance of believing in yourself to make it out there and succeed. The message was both sad and inspirational and the music was very easy on the ears and had an uplifting feel to it, which made it a great likeable tune.

We listened to those lyrics and softly sang along to them,

My father said never give up son

Just look how good Cassius become

Mohammed, Mahatma, and Nelson

Not scared to be strong

 

Now you could run and just say they're right

No I'll never be no one in my whole life

Or you could turn and see the way they're wrong

And get to keep on dancing all life long

"This is so fucking awesome, dude!" Jordan said as he grabbed Rob's shoulders and shook him, buzzing with excitement. Then he wrapped his arm around his shoulders and smashed his lips on his cheek.

"Now, I'm so glad we were dumb enough to do coke!"

Rob nodded his head and raised his eyebrows. "Yeah, it was all so worth it," he joked.

We continued listening and singing along to the song.

In you I see

Someone special

You've got bright in your brains

You can break through those chains

You'll go higher than we've ever gone

Just turn it on

----

Don't go to war with yourself

Just turn, just turn, just turn it on

And you can't go wrong

When the song ended, Jordan turned to me.

"Oh my god, this is so good, I fucking love it! I might just suck your dick after this, Mark!" he announced, sounding serious, as if it was a totally normal thing to say.

"What?!" I exclaimed.

Dylan was standing next to me and he laughed,

“Jord! Keep joking about this and one of these days, you’ll really end up with a dick in your mouth!” he told him jokingly.

“And there’s no coming back from that!” I said and Rob smirked at me.

“Yeah, I highly doubt it!” Jordan laughed and we started editing parts of the song again, totally pumped about it, totally pumped about all the songs we had written and recorded.

Indeed, there were a few more we couldn't wait to put out there.

Including a song with Beyonce!

After having been out a million times to a million different parties, Rob thought it'd be a good idea to write a song about that.

He wanted to write a feel-good song … a song that you could dance to in your house instead of going out … a song you could dance to making out in the kitchen while cooking dinner or something.

We called it "Hymn for the weekend" and it went like this,

Oh, angel sent from up above

You know you make my world light up

When I was down, when I was hurt

You came to lift me up

Life is a drink and love's a drug

Oh, now I think I must be miles up

When I was a river dried up

You came to rain a flood

Ah-oh-ah-oh-ah

Got me feeling drunk and high

So high, so high

-----

As we were editing it one day, Rob turned to me and asked me with a grin,

"You know what would really help this song?"

I watched him and smiled broadly,

"Beyonce?"

We laughed at the fact that I was thinking it too, totally beaming.

"Beyonce!" he exclaimed, full of confidence, and with the spark of enthusiasm that was so intoxicating about him.

We all got totally excited about the idea but we tried to calm ourselves down because it was kind of crazy to ask her to collaborate with us, but since we had recorded with Rihanna, nothing really felt impossible anymore.

Therefore, we mastered the courage to ask her what she thought of the song. We sent it to her, saying that we wanted a female voice on it. We didn't say we wanted her on it, we didn't want to scare her off.

She didn't reply for a few days, her management saying that she needed time to sit on it so she could formulate how she felt about the song. And then she agreed. She recorded her vocals, sent them back to us and we included them into the song.

Boom! One more thing ticked off our list!

We were so stoked with the song, we couldn't wait for it to be the first single.

After this, we decided that this fourth album should be a collaborative album so we did a couple more collaborations including one with “The Chainsmokers” on a song we called, "Something like this" which had a deep emotional meaning. It was about all the Greek Gods and modern heroes and the fact that you didn’t need to be a superhero in real life as long as you were one in the eyes of the person that you loved.

Then, everything that Rob had worked on in rehab, we tried to put it into a song that we called 'Adventure of a life time’. It felt important to write about it and hopefully, have people connect to what he had gone through and maybe help them get through a hard time with a very uplifting song. It went like this,

Turn your magic on, to me she'd say

Everything you want's a dream away

Under this pressure, under this weight

We are diamonds taking shape

Said I can't go on, not in this way

I'm a dream, I die by light of day

Gonna hold up half the sky and say

Only I own me

I feel my heart beating

I feel my heart beneath my skin

I feel my heart beating

Oh, you make me feel

Like I'm alive again

If we've only got this life

And this adventure,

oh then I wanna share it with you

--

There were many feel good songs on the album. It was an album about being happy, honest and truthful with our music. Once we had finished recording, we began working on the live shows and what we wanted them to look like…. Mind-blowing!

We knew our next tour would be amazing and we could hardly wait. Our minds were bubbling with ideas again, from what we wanted the stage to look like to what we wanted the audience to look like. Like we had done on our previous stadium tour, we were going to use fireworks and confetti again to highlight our performance with an explosion of sound and color.

We had also found a way to make our show evolve by making each member of the audience wear a wristband to create a stunning light show in the stadium. We wanted to synchronize the flashing of the bands to our music. We had always loved involving the fans completely by making them sing along or by talking to them. For us, any interaction with the audience was the most important part of our show and we just wanted everyone to feel part of it by wearing a little light on their wrist so that, hopefully, they’d be able to connect with us more and walk away from the show feeling really happy. It was going to cost us a lot of money and we weren’t even sure that all the wristbands would work properly so we had to test the idea in an arena show first. We couldn’t wait to see the whole place light up. We had even written a song specifically for our stadium shows called ‘A Sky Full Of Stars’.

The album was to be released in October 2018 and we were about to release the first single in September. After having recorded an interview for a TV channel and performed the song on the set, we all went out to dinner together. We had to discuss the public announcement of our tour dates on the following day.

For the first fifteen minutes, we sat in the restaurant, totally aware that everyone was staring at us because as a five-piece band, we could never go unnoticed and there were always a few people who knew who we were.

Tom handed us the final tour schedule we had discussed with the label earlier during the week. We were to play a few arena shows in December but the real tour was to kick off in Singapore in March 2019 and end in December in Australia, which meant ten months of touring the world.

“Alright, chaps! If there’s anything that needs to be changed, say it now,” Tom said.

We all studied the schedule silently for a moment.

“Why do we have so many days off after the New York gigs?” Damon asked.

“That’s in case we need to add a date or two. Don’t get your hopes up, we will most likely have to… but you’ll still have a couple of days off even if we do,” he said and Damon gave a nod.

“Still want to tie the knot in Australia?” Damon asked Dylan after a moment, still studying the schedule.

“Yeah, she’s dead set on it!” Dylan answered, having proposed to his girlfriend a while back.

“That’s cool, we have a whole week there before we fly to New Zealand,” Damon said.

“Actually… might be New Zealand…,” he said with a laugh and raised his shoulders. Damon frowned. “You know, a woman’s will is God’s will!” Dylan joked, defeated.

“Damn, I hope she doesn’t give Rachel any ideas,” Damon chuckled.

“I wouldn’t bet on that,” Dylan answered.

I smirked at Rob as we listened to their conversation. It seemed like we were at that age when everyone around you starts to get married. We kept getting weddings invitations. We still had no idea when we wanted to take the leap. All we knew was that we wanted to wait until after the tour. We’d both turn thirty in May 2020 and I knew Rob had always had that date in mind.

Our drinks came and we thanked the waitress as she placed the drinks on the table. Tom raised his glass in a toast.

“To new adventures,” he said cheerily.

We all clinked our glasses and began what would turn out to be a wonderful evening, with people asking us to play a few tunes on the grand piano placed in the dining room at the end of our meal.

Going to bed that night and spooning with the love of my life, I began thinking how truly amazing the last ten years of my life had been and I was beaming with joy, excitement and happiness knowing the best was still to come, personally and professionally.

The end of part 3.