U-N-I - 17. Chapter 17

After a month without seeing my friends, having Jordan around was refreshing. I had missed hanging out with him, I had missed the laughter. I had missed goofing around and making jokes. I had missed being able to talk freely and without restraint about any topic. He wasn’t Rob, but still, he was my best friend and his presence was making Rob's absence easier to endure.

As soon as he got to New York, time began to go by quickly. We had decided to leave and go back to Dublin just after Jimmy's birthday. It was Saturday and our flight was on Tuesday. As Jimmy had invited over one hundred people, he’d hired a catering team for the party. Around eight, guests started arriving in twos or fours. Soon, the party was well and truly underway and things became hectic in the kitchen for the catering staff, that didn't arrive early enough to set up and looked overworked and understaffed.

Jordan and I began helping out. I was in the kitchen, quickly assembling melon, mozzarella and Prosciutto skewers when Jordan walked up to me. Uncharacteristically, he just stared at me for a moment without saying a word, as if he was waiting for me to say something.

I turned my head to look at him and chuckled,

"Fucking say what you gotta say!"

Still, he didn't speak and kept staring at me.

"What?" I insisted.

He shook his head,

"You knew he'd be here tonight, didn't you?" he asked.

I understood that he was talking about Damien and felt nervous about it almost instantly. I stared at him for a second before concentrating on what I was doing again,

"I knew who would be here?" I asked with a smirk.

"Don't play dumb. Did you?" he asked again, getting annoyed with me.

"I figured as much," I admitted, "Why, is he here?"

"Yeah. Just walked in with another dude... I don't know what the hell you think you're doing, but,… don't!" he said, genuinely worried.

I looked up at him again and said reassuringly,

"Look, if he's here, that means he still hasn't got the message. I need to just… talk to him," I explained.

He frowned,

"For fuck's sake. What's with the drama? Isn't being gay supposed to make things easier? How many times do you have to flush to get rid of him?"

I laughed,

"Hopefully, this should be the last time. Don't worry. I know who I want to be with, and that's not him. Just make sure I don't end up alone with him for too long," I chuckled.

"Jesus Christ. I'm only one man!" he exclaimed and turned his head to peer into the living room, "I don't know the guy he's with, but if he's fucking him, he's not doing a very good job," he joked.

I assembled one last skewer and handed him the tray as I told him to make himself useful instead of talking shit. He went back into the living room and I stayed in the kitchen, hoping that somehow, I'd be able to hide in there long enough to figure out how to best handle the situation.

"Seems like we've got quite a lot friends in common," I heard only a moment later.

"Have we?" I asked, not even turning my head to look at him.

He walked up to me and, as I had started assembling appetizers on an empty tray, he asked if I needed help. I answered that I didn't and looked up at him. He smiled at me before turning to the guy he was with and introducing me to him.

"This is Josh," he said, I wondered for a second if he was dating him, but to be honest, I didn't really care.

"Hey, how's it going?" he said in a friendly manner and immediately added, "so, you're the guy?"

I briefly looked at Damien. Had he talked to him about me?

"He's the guy," Damien said with a small laugh.

"I guess I should be thanking you. He was pretty miserable because of you."

"Shut up!" Damien said, rather self-consciously.

He laughed and grabbed a couple of appetizers. Then he turned around, patted Damien on the shoulder and headed out of the kitchen.

Damien gazed at me with a shy smile,

"I wasn't that miserable."

I watched him and went back to assembling the appetizers,

"You really have to stop doing this."

"Doing what?"

"Showing up wherever you know I'm gonna be," I answered, looking back up at him.

He shrugged his shoulders,

"We didn't get a chance to talk the other day."

"I thought I'd made myself clear."

He didn’t respond and grabbed an appetizer as well. He brought it up to his mouth and rested one of his hands loosely on the table,

"Jordan keeps glaring at me. Is he gonna kick my ass? Should I be worried?"

I chuckled,

"He might. I take no responsibility for Jordan's actions. He's unpredictable."

"Alright," he chuckled too, "I'd better watch my back."

I nodded.

"So… how come he's here, but Rob isn't?" he asked, trying to keep the conversation casual, but going straight to the point.

"He's got other commitments," I responded.

He grabbed another appetizer and after a brief hesitation, he asked,

"Do you wanna tell me what happened between the two of you?"

"Why do you assume something happened?" I responded.

"You've been here for quite a while without him, haven't you?"

"So?" I said, turning my head so my eyes met his, "We're not joined at the hip."

He just held my gaze,

"Aren't you?" he responded doubtfully.

"I had a lot of editing to do for the record."

His eyes narrowed,

"Since when do you do the editing alone?"

I didn't answer so he added cheekily,

"Did he cheat on you?"

I snorted,

"No… Not that I know of."

"Then what?" he insisted.

I moved the tray I had finished filling to the side of the table. A girl from the catering staff immediately grabbed it and rushed out of the kitchen to serve the guests.

"It's just…," I began saying as I started placing ready-to-heat appetizers on an empty tray. "he's very famous. And that makes things a bit complicated."

He gave a slight nod and pushed his lips together,

"Doesn't he enjoy it? He seems to handle fame pretty well."

"Yeah, he seems to… But he doesn't," I explained.

"He's full of contradictions," he responded.

I shook my head slightly,

"Don't act like you know him."

He didn't answer and added after a short moment, obviously trying to change the subject,

"I've watched the 'One love Manchester' concert from June, after the attack. How was it?"

I smiled softly and immediately seized the opportunity to talk about music and to stop talking about Rob. I started telling him about the benefit concert that had taken place in response to the bombing after Ariana Grande's concert in Manchester.

"It was great. It was a good way to come together and say 'Fuck you, terrorism.' When they asked if we wanted to be a part of it, we knew we had to turn up for it. The atmosphere backstage was so strange though. But the crowd in Manchester was just perfect."

"Yeah, it was an amazing thing to put together. Everyone looked so emotional. … Another great 'Fix You' moment by the way," he smiled.

"I know. This song works on so many levels."

He grinned,

"And sharing the stage with Liam Gallagher, you absolutely nailed the guitar solo."

I grinned too,

"Thanks. Again, we got to play with one of our heroes from when we were growing up. He's a true Manchester legend!"

"Yeah, he is." he agreed. "Regardless of his attitude."

"He was alright. He was great actually. Just a shame Noel didn't turn up. He was a surprise guest. Everyone in the audience was in shock. They arranged a private jet to fly Liam out to the concert 'cause he first had to play a gig in Germany at the Rock am Ring."

"Yeah, I heard him say in an interview that he would have definitely got back for it, no matter where he would have been in the world."

"Yeah. He really wanted to be a part of it. So, he was rehearsing 'Live Forever' with his band, and I dunno, for some reason, he decided he wanted the performance to be about the words and the melody and what the song was all about. He just wanted to sing it, and have the people sing it back, you know, just sing it together. So he was like, 'oh fuck, I'll sack the band, would you just play the guitar? 'cause you know, you're alright, and it's all about coming together this gig … and you and I are gonna live forever' and stuff like that".

"Fuck, that's awesome."

"I know. Honest, 'Live Forever' was like, one of our favourite songs growing up. We used to cover it all the time when we started the band. I can play it with my eyes closed, and so can Rob. So we said yes right away. I mean, he's quick to criticize, but he seemed to like us enough, that night anyway," I chuckled.

"It was a really good live performance of the song."

"I don't know. I didn't read what people thought of it. I'd rather not."

"I'm telling you. It'll be a classic. It was the best he's sounded in years," he joked.

"Yeah, he's back!" I exclaimed," he really put his heart into it. He reminded people he's still one of the greatest rock stars ever. He sounds much older now but he still sounds great."

He remained silent as I placed the tray in the oven and then he added, changing the subject again,

"You really do like to cook, don't you?"

I smiled slightly at his attempt to start a more personal conversation,

"I would hardly call that cooking," I said, because I was indeed a bit of a cooking enthusiast.

"Well, no one else but you is helping with the food."

"I guess that's one thing my father taught me. He always used to say that he hated all the Irish junk food."

I wondered for a second why I was mentioning him. I had never talked to Damien about my family. It wasn't a subject I would broach with anyone, except for the people closest to me. I figured that knowing that I had to go back to Dublin a few days later and talk to my mother again was stressing me out more than I wanted it to.

"What's the deal with him?" he asked. "You seem to hate his guts."

"Really, you've noticed?" I asked as I started the last remaining tray.

"I seem to recall you and Rob backbiting him a few times, yeah."

"Oh. We must be doing it without realizing it anymore... I've got a fucked up family," I said flatly, not making eye-contact with him.

"Don't we all?" he asked, not dropping the subject, "My parents got divorced when I was ten and they've never been able to get along since then."

I shrugged and blurted out,

"Yeah, well, my mother's a good catholic woman who cheated on her husband, got pregnant with me, and then had him raise me as his son because she wouldn't get an abortion. So he's always resented her for it and hated me."

He didn't say anything so after a few seconds, I looked up at him. He just stared at me, a bit stunned. He searched for something to say but no words came out of his mouth. After a few seconds, he stuttered,

"Ok, you win!"

I let out a chuckle,

"I don't know why I'm talking about them."

"Did you know he wasn't your father?" he immediately asked.

I shook my head no,

"No. They did a great job hiding it from me. And when you're a kid, that's not something you even think about."

"Shit. That's heavy. Is your real father French though?"

"Yeah, he lives in Bordeaux. Hardly speaks a word of English."

"Really? My aunt lives there. I used to go there on vacation."

I smiled,

"Small world. We used to go to Frejus, on the Mediterranean coast."

"I'd love to go back there. It'd bring back good childhood memories. I haven't spent any time in France for like ten years. I mean, except for Paris."

"Yeah, me neither."

He smiled,

"See, there's something we could be doing together."

My eyebrows furrowed and I shook my head,

"Don't do that!" I said and placed the last tray in the oven.

I decided that I had done enough to help out in the kitchen so I turned to Damien and said, "After you!" he looked at me at bit too intensely at that instant but finally turned around and headed out of the kitchen.

We went back into the living room to get a drink. The guests were all mingling, talking, laughing and hanging out as they drank cocktails and ate the appetizers. Soon, the buffet was served. The entire living room and balcony was full of people and most of them wanted to talk to us. Jordan and I talked to a few people from the music industry. Some of them were famous, others famous maybe in their own minds. We had to answer the same recurrent questions,

"Are you working on another album?",

"When is your next record coming out?",

"We should try to work together."….

Once the music began playing loudly, everybody began to party and dance. I partied with Jordan and a bunch of beautiful girls who were in awe of us, as well as a kid who couldn't have been over nineteen, and who was overtly gay and pretty fun to party with. I tried to stay away from Damien as much as possible but the more the party progressed, the harder it got. After an hour or so, he came up to me, wrapped his arm around my waist, pressed his body against mine and whispered in my ear that he wanted to talk to me in private before walking away.

I watched him head up the stairs, even though th party didn't extend up there. I knew I was going to follow him, I had to do this. I felt anxious and my head was spinning, although I had hardly drunk a thing. I was thankful for that because I might not have been able to handle the situation very well otherwise. I wasn't even one hundred percent sure that nothing would happen. As I began heading toward the stairs, Jordan stopped me dead in my tracks by calling my name loudly over the music.

He grabbed my arm and asked in my ear to make sure I'd hear him,

"Where the fuck d'you think you're going?"

"To fuck his brains out!" I answered matter-of-factly.

He just looked at me and ordered somewhat playfully,

"Stay where I can see you!"

"Jord, it's fine," I said as I began pushing him backwards to reach the bottom of the stairs.

He pushed back, obstructing me from going up them

"You've asked me to make sure you wouldn't be alone with him."

"For too long…," I added.

He tutted,

"If you're not down in five minutes, I swear, I come up there!"

"Fine. I don't need more," I said, trying to shrug him off.

He shook his head,

"You haven't had sex in over a month. You might not need more."

I laughed, because even though he didn't need to know that, I was indeed going through a horny phase. He asked suspiciously,

"How drunk are you?"

"Not drunk at all! Do you even know me?" I exclaimed and leaned even closer to him, "Although, I might not resist the temptation to get wasted after this," I said with a laugh, I felt like I had been taking things way too seriously in the past few weeks.

"Please, indulge yourself!"

I smiled and he asked,

"How drunk is he?"

"I don't know!" I exclaimed, "Come on, get out of my way," I said.

He let go of my arm and raised his hands, saying as he let me pass,

"Just remember that I've tried to stop you! Don't do anything you'll regret!"

"I won't!"

Once upstairs I noticed the bathroom door was slightly ajar, I walked inside and closed the door behind me. I looked at him and he stared up at me with his beautiful blue eyes and smiled.

Here we were again.

"Hey," he said quietly.

He was having a hard time keeping his eyes from moving down my body and he had the same intense expression that he'd had the day he kissed me in the studio. But somehow, the look on his face made me think that this would be his last attempt at seducing me.

"Whatever you have in mind, you know I didn't come up here for that," I said.

"Just tell me to leave then."

I said nothing and he stood there for a moment as we stared at each other. My chest was heaving. I had just been dancing and I felt like I had just finished a three-mile run. Damien looked like he was thinking a million thoughts at once.

"Fuck!" he exclaimed, running his hand through his hair, "I hate how you make me feel. Every time I think I'm over you, and then I see you again...."

I rolled my eyes slightly,

"Why did you come to the studio last week?"

"Because, I needed to see you again. Because I thought I was over you…," he said and then stared at me for a few seconds.

His eyes brightened and I thought he was going to add something, but instead, like lightning, he came rushing toward me. There was a fire in his eyes as he reached up and grabbed the back of my head and pulled me toward him until our lips met. He was kissing me hard, and making no apologies for it. For an instant, I felt almost paralyzed by the intensity of the kiss. He pressed himself against me as he continued kissing me, and I could feel him hardening as my back knocked against the wall.

"Stop !" I almost yelled and pushed him off me, "Fuck, I'm not here to have sex with you.…"

He backed away from me and touched his lips as he looked at me, breathing hard,

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

For a few seconds, he just watched me,

"Why do you keep acting like this is one sided…? You're attracted to me,’’ he stated.

He was saying this all very calmly and maturely. He didn't sound desperate, I liked that.

"I am attracted to you, I think that's obvious. But that doesn't mean my feelings are any less for Rob," I had said his name, and I could tell it upset him.

He seemed to think about what he could do or say say next,

"Yeah, well, I don't think I'd be capable of being attracted to anyone else if I was with you," he said. "Maybe your feelings for him aren't as strong as you want to think they are."

"Don't start telling me about how I feel or should be feeling. You've said so yourself, you've never been in love with someone."

He came closer to me and placed one hand against the wall behind me,

"I am in love, ever since I met you," he said, gazing into my eyes.

I raised my eyebrows at him,

"Stop doing this to yourself. Your 'so-called' boyfriend is downstairs and you're here, trying to…."

"I don't care about him," he interrupted me, "I want you," he said in a low tone, "just give me a chance."

"I can't give you a chance," I responded dryly.

"Then, why did you follow me up here?"

"Because I need you to understand that you can't be with me."

"I don't think that's true," he whispered as he placed a single kiss on my cheek, "you're just afraid to admit that you aren't sure if you are with the person you should be with. You're afraid to give me a chance."

I lightly shook my head,

"No. Damien, I'm happy with my life. I'm happy with who I'm with," I said, trying to pull away from him. It was all too much, he wouldn't let me go. He pressed his body into mine, brought his lips to mine and began kissing me intensely again. I resisted at first, but the feeling of being kissed quickly overwhelmed me. His strong hands held the sides of my face and he tried to use his tongue to part my lips. For a second, I let him and began kissing him back.

'This is just so wrong,' I kept thinking to myself as he continued his assault on my mouth.

I had to stop this. Damien's hands moved down and started to unbutton my shirt and his lips trailed my jawline and throat. This was the time to stop it, I knew, but I didn't end it yet. His warm hands began to caress my chest, making me start to stiffen as his lips moved to my neck and then slowly down my chest. I knew that it was time to make a decision. As I saw it, I had two options. First, I could let the overwhelming wave of lust overtake me, have sex with Damien, break his heart, break Rob's heart, putting myself into the role of a complete asshole. Second, I could stop this all right now before a lot of people were left feeling hurt and confused. Damien's hand moved to my belt buckle. I obviously decided on option number two.

"Damien, I can't," I said, forcing his hand away, "it's just not right."

He looked at my lips. I could tell he wanted to feel them against his again.

"I just can't win," he said with a hurt smile, taking a step back.

"No. You've got all these feelings for me…you know you want more than just sex."

"I'll settle for that right now," he breathed.

"Stop it. I don't love you," I told him resolutely.

"You could love me," he insisted, staring into my eyes.

I stared back,

"No! I know what it's like to be in love."

"Come on, it's obvious things aren't great with him right now."

"That doesn't make it ok to be with someone else, especially you of all people. I've told you, what's going on with him is none of your business. Don't think you know anything about our relationship."

He sighed and I rebuttoned my shirt as I began saying, not really trying to let him down easy anymore,

"Do you even realise what you're asking me?... You're asking me to give up my whole life for you. My career, my friends, my boyfriend of nine years…I can't do that to him. I won't."

He looked down, not wanting to hear that. He was all too aware of the implication that having a relationship with him would have on my career. This just could not possibly work without me walking away from the band, something I had no intention of doing…ever.

"You know this can't happen. Maybe it could if I was hopelessly in love with you, but that's not the case," I said resolutely, "Fuck, get a life. Stop being so hung up on me. Just move on. You have to stop hoping that we could have some sort of relationship together. You know I'd just end up breaking your heart. I don’t want that drama in my life. I just want to play music with my friends, be with my boyfriend, travel, enjoy life. That's the life I've worked for. That's the life I want."

He stared at me, and I stared back, trying to see if he was finally giving up, he moved closer to me again and rested his hand on my face, caressing my cheek. Slowly, I reached my hand up and placed it over his own. Gently, he pulled my hand toward his mouth and kissed it, causing the hairs on my arm to stand up.

"Damien," I said firmly and pulled my hand away. "I can't, I'm sorry."

He let out a sigh and gently brought his lips to mine. It didn't feel like a passionate 'I want to rip your clothes off and make love to you' kinda kiss but more like a 'let me kiss you one last time' kiss. So, I just let him. He placed his hands over my ears as he pressed his lips against mine and we kissed. When he pulled back, he looked into my eyes, hurt and demoralized,

"Have a nice life. I really hope he makes you happy."

I looked away and just stared into space as he walked out of the bathroom, leaving the door open.

"Fuck," I breathed. I felt a wave of relief wash over me and passed my hands over my face.

I felt so bad for him. I could only imagine how heartbroken I'd feel if Rob was telling me what I'd just told him. I knew I had done the right thing but I felt horrible. I stayed there and tried to compose myself. Suddenly, the twink from the party walked in and closed the door loudly behind him.

I jumped,

"Jesus, you startled me."

"Bit jumpy, aren't we?" he laughed.

He began running the water and washed a spot on his shirt.

"I spilled coke on my shirt," he chuckled.

My mind seemed to only hear the sound of the running water as I played over what had just happened in my head and wondered if I could have done anything differently.

"Hey, are you alright?" he asked, and I realized he had already asked me this once.

"Yeah," I replied, slightly startled.

I knew he had to be here because Jordan had asked him to check up on me and Damien but I added in an attempt to make him leave,

"You know there's a bathroom downstairs?"

"Busy," he said before turning to me, "that's not cool to leave you like that," he said and pointed at my crotch, amused.

I wasn't fully hard but from his angle, there must have been a noticeable bulge in my jeans.

"Do you need some help with that?" he asked as he came closer to me and placed his hand over my crotch.

"I'm good," I replied, my mind still fuzzy, "Aren't you a bit too young for me?"

He frowned,

"Really? What's with the age bullshit? I'm not twelve and you're not exactly forty!"

"Yeah, whatever," I mumbled, my tone indicating I wasn't interested in flirting with him.

"Let me know when you change your mind," he smiled and stumbled cheerfully out of the bathroom.

I huffed and thought to myself that this party was slowly turning into a test of my faithfulness to Rob that I really wasn't sure I'd pass. After a moment, I headed down the stairs and immediately got myself a vodka and coke. Everyone was dancing and had grown louder with alcohol. I decided I was done being serious. It was time to let go a little, just like everyone else.

"He just left…, how'd it go?" Jordan said as he came up behind me.

I shrugged,

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"Fine!... So? Shall we get you wasted now?" he asked with a grin as he saw the drink I had made for myself.

I laughed,

"Let's!"

He got himself the same drink and we clicked our glasses and toasted to something stupid - me having to throw up before the end of the night - before gulping it down. We joined the party and started dancing again with the same group of hot chicks as before. I could immediately see that Jordan would just have to take a pick between them as they all seemed to be more than willing to have sex with him, although he seemed to have already set his sights on one.

It didn't take me long to lose my inhibitions and to start having fun. I kept refilling my glass and soon I began to feel the effects of alcohol on my body since I wasn't normally a really big drinker. I wasn't wasted yet but I was pretty drunk.

After dancing for quite a while and mes I poured myself yet another drink and walked out onto the balcony to breathe some fresh air and finally sat on one of the bar stools Jimmy had placed there. I was immediately joined by the gay boy. He had never been very far from me since the party had started, and I hadn't tried to avoid him either.

"Feeling better?" he asked.

"Yeah, I guess," I smiled.

"Nothing a few drinks can't fix." he said with a chuckle. "Who was the guy in the bathroom earlier?" he asked with curiosity. "Isn't you rock star boyfriend good enough for you?"

"Complicated," I said, rolling my eyes, "So, how do you know Jimmy?" I asked to change the subject.

"I don't," he answered, "I came with my sister. She knows I love these kinds of parties where a few celebrities might show up!"

I smiled at him and he started talking to me about our music, the songs he liked, the artists he liked and all the concerts he'd been to and I just let him talk, sometimes sharing a few anecdotes with him.

"How about another one of those?" he asked after we'd been talking for a while.

"What the hell!" I replied.

I began to stand up, which of course is the moment of truth when you've been drinking, and I almost immediately stumbled. Before I knew it, I was bracing myself by holding onto his thighs. They felt hard inside the tight jeans he was wearing. I looked up to him as if to say, yeah I'm wasted. He nodded in recognition, his eyes definitely sparkling, and he looked like he would have liked me to lean in to kiss his full, well-formed lips. He put his hand on my arm to keep himself steady as he stood up as well and we made our way to the bar.

For a brief moment, I tried to think about why I was drinking heavily. I wanted to think it was just for fun, which was the excuse Rob would always give me, but I knew I was trying to numb myself from feeling depressed because of what was going on with Rob and what had happened with Damien and in some weird way, I wanted to feel what Rob had been feeling. I knew he had been doing it for similar reasons, because he had felt sad and overwhelmed by everything that was going on around him and had felt like he was losing control.

Mixed with these thoughts were now thoughts of that twink. Images of the looks he had been giving me, remembering the feeling of his thighs, he wasn't my type but he was still pretty hot. I was horny from all the attention I kept getting and at that moment, my half boner was a pretty good indication that I might not say no to a blowjob or something if the opportunity presented itself. I wasn't really considering fucking him but I felt like I was drunk enough to make a bad decision.

We got back to the dancefloor and started dancing together and doing a bit of grinding and as I felt his crotch rub up against mine, my half boner got rock solid. He obviously noticed, pulled me closer to him and said in my ear,

"You wanna fuck?"

I looked into his eyes, smiled and found myself telling him to follow me upstairs.

A few moments later, we were in my bedroom. He didn't lose any time and immediately undid my belt buckle and pushed his hand into my jeans. I moaned as he rubbed his hand up and down my shaft. I reached down as well and was greeted by a raging hard on. He was already leaking through his boxer-briefs and they were completely wet. I slipped my hands into his underwear and he leaned into me as I grabbed his butt cheeks, amazed with how they felt, smooth, firm and creamy. I let go of his ass and removed my shirt first. He attacked my neck with his lips and pressed his hands against my pectoral muscles.

"You're hot as fuck!" he whispered.

He began kissing his way down my chest and I pressed my hands over the top of his head and guided him downwards until he was kneeling in front of me. He understood I wanted a blowjob from him. He quickly pulled my underwear down to my ankles and his eyes lit up when he had the full realization of what was in front of him. He suddenly looked like he hadn't eaten in a week. He lightly pressed his face into the crease where my pelvis met my leg and he kissed my skin, my cock against his cheek. Then he moved lower, his tongue reaching out to lap at my sack. He took my balls in his mouth, causing my cock to throb and began licking at the base before his tongue made its way up and over it.

I gasped a bit as he took the head in his mouth, his tongue running around it. My hands began running through his blond hair and he took me deeper and deeper, wanting to get as much of my cock in his mouth as he could. He energetically began to move back and forth quickly and his hands caressed my chest or my ass.

After a short moment, we made our way closer to the bed and I sat on the edge as he, once again, took my cock in his mouth. I sighed and enjoyed the feeling. It felt like it had been so long since I had been touched down there. It had almost become an unfamiliar sensation. My mind was temporarily devoid of any thoughts of where I was and the fact that I shouldn't be doing what I was doing.

"Oh yeah," I moaned as I felt his nose against my short pubes, he deepthroated me a few times and I could tell he was enjoying himself.

Since I had been feeling like I was on the brink of cumming for the past week, I knew that I wasn't going to be able to last long at all. I wanted it too much, and had gone without for too long. I tilted my head back, lowered my hips a little and started rocking them up and down, slowly fucking his face. He was moaning and I opened my eyes to watch his hands withdraw his penis. It certainly wasn't huge, but it was perhaps one of the prettiest ones I had ever seen. Light blond pubes poked out of his shorts as he pulled on his cock and played with his balls. I closed my eyes, again, giving myself up the sensations I was feeling. I knew that guilt would quickly be following from behind, so I tried to just fully enjoy it.

The need in me was rising rapidly,

"Fuck," I whimpered, my eyes still closed, "I'm close."

He increased the speed of his mouth on my cock and before long, I couldn't hold back anymore. Giving a low and loud guttural groan, I started to shoot into his mouth, and I could tell he had no intention of stopping. I could feel the cum rip through my cock, the pleasure a lot more intense than I had expected. He was making all kinds of sounds that only made me cum harder. I just kept pumping into him. I guess what I was saving for Rob, he ended up getting it all.

I watched him finish swallowing my load before he stood up and looked into my eyes. His eyes were full of lust. He took my hand and wrapped it around his cock, stroking himself with it. I guess he knew I wouldn't be fucking him, but he wanted to get off and I was not going to leave him like that. I stood up as well and he said,

"Man, was that normal or were you really storing up?" he laughed.

First, I decided I didn't really need to answer that but ended up saying,

"I guess you got all that I was saving for my rock star boyfriend."

He smiled and I savored the feeling of his wet cock slipping up and down my hand. He let go of my hand, content to let me do the stroking on my own.

"I'll take this as a compliment," he replied.

He pressed himself tightly against me and moaned,

"Faster."

He nuzzled his face into my chest as I jerked him hard against me, he started to moan louder and soon after, cum shot out of his pretty dick, splashing my thigh and falling into the floor. He held onto me as he came, pulling my face to his and kissing my neck. After he had calmed down he smiled at me and told me how great I was, although in all fairness, I really hadn't done anything. I felt like I had only used him. I returned the compliment though and he leaned over and kissed me hesitantly, then set about getting dressed. I went to grab a tissue for my thigh, then I got dressed too and noticed that he looked completely content.

"We better go back to the party before my sister starts noticing I've disappeared," he said.

We headed back down the stairs and I tried not to overthink what I'd just done, because I knew it would make me hate myself a little. I hadn't gone too far with Damien, but I had gone too far nonetheless. I wanted to think the alcohol was partly responsible for my actions but if I was completely honest with myself, I wasn't drunk to the point that I didn't know what I was doing. In some twisted way, I was kinda hoping that Rob might have done something similar, so he wouldn't hold it against me. I knew I'd tell him and that he wouldn't make a big deal out of it, but I still felt guilty for doing it.

The party lasted for another couple of hours and once everyone had left, I surveyed the disaster, glad this wasn't my place. Thankfully, someone was going to come by the next day to clean it up and we didn't have to touch anything. At that moment, I had no intention.

I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. Then I flopped myself onto my bed and before passing out, I wondered what I was going to think about all of this the folowing day.

----

As it turned out, I didn't think much of it when I woke up and quickly decided to forget about Damien, to forget about the blowjob and to just focus on more important things. Jordan and I spent the day trying to get rid of our hangover and we began packing.

We left New York on Monday evening and landed in Dublin early on Tuesday morning. We went to stay with his parents. I liked them a lot. I had spent countless hours hanging out with him at his house as a kid and they were kinda family to me. In fact, I knew that if I had knocked on his door instead of Rob's, which had happened a few times, I would have found the same support. Jordan's mother was glad to have him back – as much as she was trying to hide it from him – and she was also thrilled to have me around for a few days.

I went to see Rob's mother and we spent an entire afternoon talking about what was going on with him. She thanked me for making him go to the rehab center. Spending time with him in London, she had noticed that even though he wasn't exactly addicted to anything, he might be in the future because something was definitely wrong with him. Just like me, she had seen how he was shutting himself off, how he wasn't his normal cheerful self. I told her that I was worried because pretty much everything he used to do with a lot of enthusiasm seemed to have become a chore and that he just seemed to be sad most of the time. He had talked to her about that but he couldn't quite explain or understand why he was feeling the way he was feeling and he needed therapists to help him.

Once in Dublin, I wanted to call him all the time. I wasn't alone anymore but I was still lonely. I realized they were two different feelings. He was just a phone call away, and yet he wasn't. I felt guilty for what I had done and I didn't know if I wanted to tell him yet. Because Jane had told me I knew he had just started the program in L.A and I wanted to give him some time to work on his issues and figure out his own head. He hadn't called me either, and I wasn't sure why but I knew that the therapists didn't really allow communication with the outside world in the beginning. All I knew was that I didn't want my calling him to make him want to give it all up. I didn't want to have to convince him again that he had to do this, for him, for us, for our career… but I was feeling an aching in my heart to be with him.

With Jane I had also talked about my mother. She had persuaded me to go talk to her again. So, on Saturday morning, I stood in front of my childhood home, surprisingly calm and serene, finally ready to do this, ready to forgive and forget I supposed.

For a moment, I looked at Rob's old house next door. Apart from a few details, it didn't look much different and I smiled to myself as so many memories from our childhood and teenage years came flashing back. I thought that no matter how the conversation with my mother went, I'd feel the need to call Rob and tell him about it. At that instant, he was very much on my mind and I was missing him like crazy.

"Let's go?" Amy asked to get my attention.

I looked at her and smiled,

"Yeah," I just answered.

We walked up to the front door and she rang the doorbell a couple of times. Our mother opened the door almost instantly. She first looked at Amy and then, slowly, she looked at me and stared, unable to talk. I looked away for a brief second and then stared back at her, quickly noticing everything that was different about her because she was seven years older. Somehow, she didn't look as strict and uptight as I remembered. She swallowed hard and I could tell she was fighting back tears.

"I'm glad you're here," she said as she cautiously laid her hand on mine "come inside."