String - 13. Honesty

I never slept better than I did on that squeaky, sagging, broken down old dorm room mattress. I felt so safe and comfortable in Danny’s arms, his naked body intertwined with mine. I felt a sense of peace I hadn’t felt since the divorce. It felt so right. I never wanted to wake up.

Danny started to stir. I pressed myself against him. I didn’t want him to wake up either. Whatever dreams he was dreaming had to be better than the reality which awaited us when he awoke. What if we just stayed in that bed forever and never went back to the real world? What if we never had to stop dreaming? I felt Danny’s grip tighten around me and I knew he’d awakened from his dreams.

“Can we stay here forever?” I asked him.

“I’d love to,” he said, holding me tighter. “I never want to let go.”

“They’ll come looking for us when we don’t show up at practice though.”

“What time is it?” he asked.

“Who cares?” I replied.

Danny squeezed me tightly around the chest and kissed my neck. I put my arms on his and just felt the warmth of our embrace.

“I love you,” I said, smiling.

“Jake…”

“What?”

“I have to pee,” Danny said.

“Oh… Sure…” I said. Danny freed himself from our little lovers’ nest and trotted off naked to the bathroom. I admired his ass as he walked. Gorgeous! I checked my phone. Ryan had left a text around midnight.

“I just stabbed Shawn to death in his sleep. I’ll miss him, but not the snoring.”

“LOL!” I replied, hours too late. Danny came back into the room and I tossed my phone aside. I used the restroom myself and returned to the dorm room. Danny had already gotten dressed. Darn… I’d wanted to just go back to our little fantasy. He took a wet paper towel and wiped down the wall where I’d shot my load all over it. The dream was over, I guess. I dressed myself too.

“So,” Danny said. “What exactly are we going to do about this?”

“I don’t know anymore. I thought it was just a one-time fling to get it out of our system, and then it happened again and now I don’t know what we’re doing anymore.”

“I feel hungover,” Danny said. “Last night was just amazing. That wasn’t just sex, was it?”

“I felt it too.”

“Do you believe people have souls?” Danny asked.

“Sure, I guess. Except for Kyle, of course, ‘cause he’s a ginger,” I joked.

“I didn’t until last night. I felt it. I felt something inside of me connect with you that was deeper than just two bodies bumping together. I felt your soul, Jake. And I felt my soul connecting with yours in a way I’ve never felt with anyone else.”

“What, like we’re soul mates or something?”

“That’s what I felt! I’ve never felt that way before, not even with Lydia. Have you ever felt that way with Ryan?”

“Danny…”

“Have you?”

“It’s more complicated than that.”

“Why is it complicated? For the first time in my life I don’t feel confused anymore! I finally see things clearly. I love you, Jake! I love you more than anyone else ever could! You must feel that! You must know it in your soul. We were meant to be together.”

“Danny, I love you too. But…”

Danny’s face gave away what was going on in his heart. That ‘but’ broke him.

“But you love Ryan,” Danny said.

“I can’t just dump him,” I said.

“Sure you could!”

“I love him, Daniel.”

Danny sat down on his bed. “I’m too late…” he sighed, a tear rolling down his cheek. “Stupid Danny fucks everything up again. I’m so stupid…”

“You’re not stupid,” I said.

“Yes I am. I had my chance with you and I let it slip through my fingers. I even pushed you two together so I wouldn’t have to deal with these feelings inside me. Oh god…”

Danny wiped his eyes and tried to put on a brave face, like a mask to hide his pain, but I could feel his heart breaking.

I sat down next to him and put my arm around his shoulder. He leaned into me and started to cry. I held him. I hadn’t seen him cry in years.

“I’m sorry,” I said softly to him.

“It’s alright,” Danny said. He loosened himself from my grip and stood up. “We should get to breakfast before it’s too late.” He looked at me and tried to put on that brave mask again. “This sucks hard,” he admitted.

“I know,” I said.

“Let’s get out of here,” he said. We took our luggage down to the bus and hurried off to breakfast. We ate quickly and managed to get to our seats with our instruments just before Mr. Reilly started our final music practice, the big one with the lights turned off. All we had to do was play the songs by memory, and then it was off to the buses. In the darkness, he described the music.

“Kind of like the music of the night here in the dark isn’t it? “Music of the Night” and “All I Ask of You” are connected. “Music of the Night” is the Phantom’s invitation to Christine to dwell in the darkness and while “All I Ask of You” is Raoul’s invitation for her to come with him to find to freedom and light. Both men in love with the same girl, and only one can have her. The Phantom wants to possess her, Raoul want to set her free. And once Christine chooses Raoul, the Phantom’s heart is broken. We’re meant to cheer for Raoul, because he’s the ultimate good guy, but he’s almost too perfect. A lot of people feel a deeper connection to the Phantom, because far more of us know what it’s like to be rejected for someone else. Phantom’s song upon discovering Christine’s choice is one many of us have sung.”

And then Mr. Reilly sang the Phantom’s part, “I gave you my music…” Wow! By the time he got to the cry of “Christine!” there were some of the girls who were crying in the darkness. Everyone applauded his performance.

“That was amazing!” Kyle said in the darkness.

“I might have played the Phantom in Carnegie-Mellon’s performance when I was getting my music degree,” Mr. Reilly said. “Or maybe I played Raoul? I don’t remember it was a long time ago. Anyway, let’s hear how well you’ve memorized it? “All I Ask of You” Ready…”

We played the song perfectly, but I could feel something different about it, I think everyone could.

“What was different about the way you played it this time?” Mr. Reilly asked.

“It had soul because we understood what it meant.”

“Was that Rossi?” Mr. Reilly asked.

“Yeah,” Danny replied.

“I didn’t know you had it in you,” Mr. Reilly said. “He’s right. Music is more than just hitting the right notes. Music is about feeling. All those emotions you’re embarrassed your friends might find out you have? Music is where they find expression. All your love, all your anger at your parents, all your confusion about that boy or girl you like, this is where you can truly explore those places you don’t want anyone else to see. School can teach you about science and math and reading, but music is where you learn about life. Now let’s wrap up with “Masquerade” and close shop.”

It was a long bus ride home. Oh, the physical trip only took a few hours, but it seemed like ages, sitting there next to my broken-hearted friend, knowing I was the one who had done the heart breaking. Knowing that yet another potential heart-breaking conversation awaited me when I got home and talked to Ryan. True, I didn’t have to tell him anything. If he never found out, no harm done, right? But I’d know. I didn’t want to carry all that guilt with me for as long as we were together. I trusted Danny not to tell. I knew if I said I was going to keep it a secret he would take it to his grave. But I had to tell Ryan.

“I’m sorry,” I said to Danny as we rode along the highway.

“Don’t be,” he replied. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Ryan might not feel the same way,” I said.

“He will,” Danny said. “He’s a good guy. You deserve someone like him.”

The buses dropped off a bunch of exhausted kids at school and our parents were ready to take us home. Danny said goodbye and went off with his mom. I thanked Mr. Reilly and joined my mother at the car.

“Is Danny alright?” she asked.

“Why?” I asked.

“He looked upset.”

“Must be sad that band camp is over,” I said.

“He didn’t even wave or say hi to anybody.”

“Can we just go?” I said.

“Something happen between you two?” she asked.

“I guess,” I said.

“Feeling left out now that you and Ryan are spending so much time together?”

“Something like that,” I replied.

Mom thought about it for a minute. “Anything you want to talk about?”

“Not with you,” I replied.

Mom dropped it and moved on to discuss how her week had gone without me. Yeah, the last person I was going to tell about having sex with Danny was my mother.

I didn’t sleep well that night, even though I was exhausted. I just kept dreading meeting with Ryan the next day. I’d asked him to come over early while my mom was at work. I didn’t want to have to explain anything to her if things got bad. I ate breakfast in the morning, even though I wasn’t hungry. My mind processed a million outcomes of how the conversation might go. Would he cry? Would he hit me? Would he forgive me? Would he want a three-way with Danny? I mean, who knew how he would react?

Most of my clothes were in the washing machine after band camp, so I was wearing a pair of ratty old shorts and an old Penn State t-shirt that had belonged to my father. I heard Ryan’s mom’s car pull up to the house and he knocked on the door. I let him in and waved to Mrs. Crawford. “Don’t go too far,” I thought to myself.

By the time I had turned around Ryan had already plopped himself on the couch.

“I’m so beat, bae,” he said. “How about you?”

“It was pretty exhausting,” I replied.

“Man, Coach Rush and Mr. Reilly are two of a kind, aren’t they? But they’re both good at what they do. We’re going to kick some ass this year. Come lay down with me.”

I snuggled up on the couch beside him. He kissed me and held me close.

“I missed the way you smell,” he said. “God, I missed everything about you,”

“Before you get too comfortable,” I said. “We should probably talk about something.”

“What? You have sex with Danny while you were at camp?” he joked.

I didn’t answer, which was an answer I guess because I felt Ryan loosen his grip on me. He sat up on the couch and I did too.

“Did you?” he asked, much more seriously than I’d ever heard him sound.

Again, I didn’t say anything, but I did feel my face get hot and my eyes start to burn as tears began to form. I just nodded.

Ryan sat there looking at me, stunned. “Oh my god… You did.”

“I’m so sorry…” I blubbered.

“How? Why?” he asked.

“It just… happened.”

“What? He fell on top of you naked and his dick accidentally slid inside you?”

“It was a rough day and in the heat of the moment things went a little too far…”

“A LITTLE?!?! You had sex with him! How is that a little too far?!?!”

“Ryan…”

“Shut up!” Ryan snapped. “I can’t believe this! All week I was just thinking about you and how much I missed you and how much I loved you and you were off banging Rossi like you didn’t give a fuck about me!”

“It wasn’t like that!” I protested.

Ryan pulled out his cell phone.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“What do you think? I’m calling my mom to come pick me up.”

“Ryan, I am so sorry! Things between Danny and me… I never thought it would go so far! I mean, the first time I…”

“FIRST TIME?!?!? Jesus Christ, Jacob! How many times did you fuck him?”

“Twice, but he’s the one who fucked me…”

Ryan stood up and stormed right out the door. I followed him to the porch.

“Don’t follow me!” Ryan snapped. “It’s over and you’re an asshole!”

“Ryan please! I love you!” I cried. Ryan stopped. He turned around and walked back to the bottom of the steps of my porch.

“You obviously have no idea what love means! I loved you, Jacob! I gave you everything! Shit, I gave you my fucking virginity for Christ’s sake! And how do you act the moment I’m not around? You go get fucked by that fucking douchebag! You said you weren’t ready for me to fuck you, but you let him do it? Fuck you, Jake! No wait, Danny beat me to it!”

“Ryan please!” I cried.

Ryan turned around and flipped me off. He walked down to the corner and pulled out his cell phone. I just sat on the porch and watched him. After a few minutes, his mom pulled up and picked him up. I watched them drive away.

I bawled. I couldn’t believe how horribly I’d just fucked up the best thing that had happened to me. Ryan was never going to forgive me. Worse, I was never going to forgive myself. I walked back into the house and grabbed my phone. I scrolled through the pictures of Ryan and me together, so happily in love, so unaware of how it would all come crashing to an angry end. I scrolled through our text conversations. My “yeet boy…” God, I’d miss those dorky conversations. His silly attempts to sound cool… Fresh tears replaced the ones I’d wiped away. It was over, and I’d killed it. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. And I’d done it to myself.

My phone buzzed. It was a text from Ryan! I quickly opened it.

“I have some of your shit over here. I’ll drop it off at your house later. Don’t try to talk to me when I do or I’ll punch you in your stupid face.”

“Okay,” I replied. Then I bawled some more.

“I really am sorry,” I texted him. He replied with a middle finger emoji.

“I deserve that,” I texted, my phone immediately buzzed.

“The recipient you are sending to has chosen not to receive messages.”

I’d been blocked…

I cried some more. I knew it would hurt when this happened, but I never imagined just how much it would. Ryan was so sweet. He didn’t deserve what I’d done to him. Worse, I didn’t deserve him.

I left my house and walked down to that empty corner where Ryan had once stood. I started to run. I ran all the way to the other end of town and then halfway back again until I was too exhausted to go any further. I practically crawled home. There was a box on my front step. There were the things I’d either given Ryan or left at his house during our time together. The ticket stub from the Pirates game hurt the most. It was like he wanted to forget we’d ever been together. I spent the rest of that Saturday in my room listening to sad break-up songs. Boy, there are a lot of them!

My phone buzzed about three o’clock.

“I heard it went bad,” Danny texted.

“How’d you find out?” I asked.

“Word travels fast,” Danny replied. “That and Ryan called to tell me off. I guess I deserved that. You okay?”

“No,” I replied. “It hurts a lot. I really love him.”

“I know you do,” Danny replied. “I’m sorry I did this to you.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” I texted.

“I’m pretty sure you’d still be together if I hadn’t done what I did.”

“I wanted it just as much as you did,” I replied.

“You want to come over? Savannah’s going to come over and try out the hot tub after all that work we did at band camp. It’ll take your mind off things.”

“Savannah, the saxophone captain?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Danny replied.

“Boy you work fast, don’t you?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Danny, every time we do something sexual you run off and find yourself a girlfriend.”

“I do not! Savannah and I talked about doing this before we had sex, Jacob.”

“And all that talk about loving me?”

“It’s all absolutely true! Jake, I’m inviting you to come over while she’s here. I’m not looking for a girlfriend. I can come get you.”

“No… Sorry, my nerves are a little shot after what happened. Don’t be mad at me.”

“I’m not mad at all. I get it. I’ve been dumped lots of times. It always sucks.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t get dumped because you were cheating.”

“I’m glad you told him though. Even though it hurts, I could see it was messing with you. And I am sorry things went too far. I never intended to do that to you. It just happened.”

“I know. You know what though, I think we both wanted it to happen.”

“Still friends?” Danny asked.

“As if there was ever a doubt,” I replied. “Have fun with Savannah. Please don’t fuck her in the hot tub, I would like to take you up on your offer on another day.”

“Dude, I’m not going to fuck her,” Danny protested.

“We’ll see,” I replied. “If you do, you owe me a Coke.”

“I’m telling you, I’m not going to fuck her,” Danny laughed.

Mom came home about an hour after my talk with Danny. She could tell I was bummed out of course and she had been expecting Ryan to be there. Now that the worst had happened, I felt more comfortable telling her what happened.

“I cheated on him,” I told her.

“On Ryan?” mom asked. “With who?”

“Who do you think?” I said.

“Danny?”

“Twice,” I admitted.

“Jacob Michael Finnegan! Didn’t you learn anything from your father?”

“Apparently I did,” I replied.

“The wrong lesson, obviously!” mom said. “Ryan’s a sweet boy. Why would you do that to him?”

“It just happened.” I said.

“So, you just happened to get naked with Danny and one of you just happened to… Well… You know…”

“You know what I mean. It’s not like we planned to do it. Things got tense and we went too far.”

“Twice,” mom reminded me, pretending to be impressed.

“Mom…”

“Jake, forgive me if I’m not buying what you’re selling. I’ve heard it all before from your father.”

“I’m not dad! I screwed up! I know that! The only thing that made it a mistake was that it came at the wrong time. I love Danny. I’m glad we had sex. I just wish it wouldn’t have hurt Ryan in the process.”

“I’m sorry, Jacob. But you are your father’s son. The first person your father cheated on me with was a girlfriend from college. Same story except he wasn’t dumb enough to say he was glad he did it. Fortunately, you have a very forgiving mother, because that happened a year before you were born, and if I’d have divorced him then you would have never existed.”

“Why’d you forgive him?” I asked.

“Because he told me the truth. The problems started when he started lying about it. There was always an excuse for why it happened. Eventually, I got tired of being treated that way, but you know that part of the story.”

“Yeah… I never thought I’d end up like him,” I admitted.

“You don’t have to, you know. You understand how much you hurt Ryan and yourself. I’m sure Danny’s not feeling too proud of himself either. Just remember how this feels, and learn from it. If you do that, you’ll be nothing like your father.”

It was two o’clock in the morning when my phone started buzzing like crazy. It roused me from my sleep and I checked to see what was going on. It was Ryan calling me.

“Hello?” I answered.

“So I’ve had some time to think about what happened today. I acted out of anger, and I apologize.”

“You don’t need to apologize, Ry. I deserved everything that you said and did to me.”

Ryan sighed. “Are you going to act like a mopey little puppy for the rest of the year?”

“Probably,” I replied.

“Okay. So I’ve been thinking about this for a while. I just want you to give me an answer, okay? And not some lame excuse. I want to know why you did it.”

“Because it was a rough night and I couldn’t sleep. I asked Danny to sleep in my bed with me and things got a little intense. One thing led to another and that was that.”

“Why’d you let him fuck you?”

“Because I was horny and I wanted to get laid.”

“Did you like it?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah,” I replied.

“Thanks for being honest,” Ryan said. “What happened the second time?”

“We were just trying to process what happened and things went too far again.”

“Did you even think about my feelings while all this was going on?”

“I felt horrible because I was enjoying what he was doing to me and I knew I shouldn’t because it would hurt you.”

“It did,” Ryan said.

“I still feel terrible about it.”

“I’d have felt worse if you hadn’t told me. But you did and that took some balls. I know I flipped out on you, and I said some pretty bad things to you.”

“I’m pretty sure I deserved them.”

“Stop it. You sound like my mother. All she did was apologize all the time, even for things that were my father’s fault. She had no self esteem. I don’t want you to feel that way. Look, you made a huge mistake. I can’t just forget that it happened and forgive you like it never happened. I don’t really want to be with you right now, like physically be with you, but you’ve been honest with me, and I’m willing to forgive you eventually. I unblocked you. I want us to go back to being friends for a while, like the way we were before you put your hand in my pants. You okay with that?”

“Like your parents were after the divorce?” I asked.

“Kind of. I don’t feel like we need to be enemies like your parents have been. You’re a human being and you fucked up. I’ve screwed up too. Not like you did, but in my own ways. I’m demoting you from boyfriend to friend. But we don’t have to be enemies if we don’t want to.”

“I definitely don’t want to. I’m sorry Ry.”

“I know you are. And who knows? Eventually, after being friends for a while, I might be able to trust you again. And then who knows where we’ll end up. I’ll tell you this though, if we ever have sex again, I’m fucking you next time.”

“That’s a deal,” I said. “I don’t know what I did to get a boyfr… I mean… a friend like you.”

“Well, just be glad you’re adorable, because if you were ugly I might not be so forgiving.”

We laughed. God, it felt so good to laugh again! We said our goodbyes and hung up. I didn’t know what the future would look like, we might never be boyfriends again. But at least we’d made peace and I was so glad he didn’t hate me for what I did.

Just as I was getting settled in once again, my phone buzzed one more time. I expected a text from Ryan but instead, it was from Danny.

“I owe you a Coke,” he’d texted.

I rolled my eyes and didn’t bother to answer as I settled in for a much more peaceful sleep.