The Next Stage - 3. Uncertainty

“What are you doing?” Jasper asks as Ryan sweeps him up the moment Jasper gets the door unlocked.

“Carrying you over the threshold. We’re married now, it’s one of the rules of marriage,” Ryan replies.

“Do you know how much time I spend trying not to perpetuate being the women in this relationship?”

“You mean, by tying your shirt on the side to fem it up on stage?" Ryan teases.

"My stage persona has always been camp, that's what my fans like." Jasper argues.

"I just wanted to be sweet and carry you in the door. It wasn't a dig at your masculinity. Do you want to carry me over the threshold, to make your point?"

Jasper rolls his eyes and relaxes in Ryan’s arms. "Touché," he sighs. Part of him did like the way he could feel Ryan's tense biceps against his back and his thighs. There was no way he'd ever be able to lift Ryan, he'd worked out during lockdown, only because he'd also been eating like he wanted heart disease. He'd literally worked out enough to offset the copious amounts of baked treats that Beth stress cooked for him. He was jealous of Ryan being able to actually build muscles. Jasper understood that it was more than just a few push-ups. Ryan had committed himself to get this sexy. The closest he got to sugar and carbs would be kissing Jasper right after he'd eaten something sweet.

Ryan carries him over the doorstep and Jasper can't help but love the satisfied smile on Ryan's face. To him, this was no big deal, but Ryan had a look in his eyes like he'd been dreaming of this moment all his life. Bringing his lawfully wedded significant other 'home', and carrying them over the threshold like it's his sacred duty as a husband. Ryan pauses just inside the door, turning his head and collecting Jasper's lips in a gentle, appreciative kiss that starts off sweet and innocent, but escalates so fast that Jasper isn't even sure if it's him or Ryan that turns it into a desperately horny pash.

Ryan manages to navigate the hallway through to Jasper's bedroom, without his tongue leaving Jasper's mouth or breaking rhythm, which was extremely impressive. Jasper, on the other hand, was so invested in the kiss that he barely noticed they had moved and let out a surprised gasp as Ryan suddenly breaks the kiss and throws him down onto the bed.

Jasper pulls his own shirt off, then uses it to sling around Ryan's neck and bring him down to continue the heated kiss. Of course, this was very planned. The moment they knew they were going to have time before the ultrasound, they had scheduled this in, in their minds. It was all coming out now. Time to themselves was well overdue, and they weren’t going to waste any of it, though they both had very different ideas of how to make the most of this opportunity. Ryan’s fingers glide softly and slowly down Jasper’s side while his lips leave a line of kisses up Jasper’s neck. Jasper runs his fingers through Ryan’s hair, wishing he had it in him to not be desperate beyond patience.

For some reason, Ryan was content with the idea of dragging it out. After all, they had a full hour. Why not drag it out. As if they hadn’t been doing that enough over the last few years already. If their track record was anything to go by, any and all hesitation was just inviting the opportunity for them to be interrupted. Jasper was having none of it. Would he love to have Ryan worship his body? Kiss him slowly? Touch him gently? Yes. But it wasn’t the time for him to sadistically indulge in spending longer on the edge. Right now, he wanted one thing. Jasper pushes Ryan off him, taking him a little by surprise. Jasper kicks his pants off and flings them across the room, eagerly crawling onto and straddling Ryan's waist.

“You right?” Ryan laughs at the urgent way Jasper was undoing the buttons on Ryan's shirt. As far as Jasper was concerned, foreplay had been going on for days already. Every damn time Ryan would pull him in and make out with him on stage was torment enough. It was fun the first time, it was funny the next few times, and now it was stressful because he was worried he'd get a boner on stage. Already he imagined, that once tour was over and fans could discuss and share the experience of finding out their favourite couple was back together, people would be commenting on how obvious it was that Jasper was completely thirsting over Ryan. His concentration levels were faltering as the sexual frustration was rising.

“I’m not in the mood for your teasing,” Jasper replies with a smirk as he undoes the last button and flares Ryan's shirt open, running his hands up Ryan's body all the way to the side of his face.

“There’s no rush…” Jasper shuts him up with a rough kiss, grinding himself against Ryan and groaning into his mouth in a shamelessly needy way that gets Ryan's hands to grip his hips tightly. It was as though Jasper's urgency was infectious, because when Jasper breaks the kiss to get Ryan's pants off, Ryan tries to pull him back down, not done with the intensity of the kiss.

“I need you to wreck me,” Jasper demands, making unwavering and controlled eye-contact with Ryan as he tugs down Ryan's pants. Ryan just stares at him, speechless. Jasper hoped Ryan would never get used to him being so blunt, because he loved the shocked look Ryan would always give when something like this came out of his mouth.

"So that's how it is, huh?" Ryan nods, accepting that romance was not the priority, this time at least. Jasper doesn't answer, he's too busy reaching into the bedside drawer to retrieve a bottle of lube. Jasper gets into position over Ryan and they both let out a sigh as relief runs through them the moment their bodies connect. Finally getting what they’d been craving. Somehow, spending almost every waking second together meant they had less time for each other.

Ryan grips Jasper’s waist, controlling the depth and moving his hips in time with Jasper's. He himself had been willing to take his time until now. Now he couldn’t decide whether he wanted Jasper to slow down or speed up. If he could find some self-control before they took this too far too fast, he’d slow things down. Caught up in the moment, though, that was a very big ‘if’. Besides, for once, time was on their side. They could probably make this last, or they could continue at the pace Jasper was setting and end up having enough time for a second round.

It only takes minutes for Jasper’s burst of energy to fade as the fatigue from performing sets in. He finds himself regrettably slowing down despite his much his body needed him to keep pace. Annoyed with himself, he leans down and takes it out on Ryan, frustratedly biting at his lip. Ryan holds Jasper still and moves his own hips rapidly. For the second time, Jasper finds himself admiring the feeling of tense muscles as one hand rests on Ryan's abs, which he could feel contracting with each movement.

"F-fuck." Jasper groans and throws his head back, overwhelming amounts of pleasure rushing through him as he felt himself nearing the edge. Jasper cursing was nothing new, but when he did it in bed, it always set off something in Ryan. He wraps his arms around Jasper and rolls him over, smoothly taking the lead. While Jasper is trying to play down how embarrassingly short of breath he is, Ryan crawls down his body to give him more attention, since Jasper had skipped one of Ryan’s favourite parts. It did nothing to help Jasper catch his breath, but he did become such a horny mess that he was pretty sure he could simply be driven by pure need all the way through. He could breathe later. It took every single ounce of control that Jasper was able to cling to, to resist letting Ryan finish him right now. If he came during oral right now, he knew he'd feel completely cheated. He tugs Ryan’s hair to pull him back up, wanting to pick up where they had left off. He needed to feel Ryan's body against his, to feel Ryan pulsing with pleasure against him as he let go.

“Ok, I’ll talk to you later. Love you.” And there went their chance. So close. Literally right there with mere moments to go, but this was them, and their sex life was cursed.

“Love you?” Jasper whispers to Ryan, who just gives him a confused shrug and falls against the bed beside Jasper. He knew they were finished now. “Has she said anything to you?” Jasper rolls over and looks at Ryan.

“No. But don't be weird about it.”

“Why would I be weird?”

“Uh, he was your best friend. If she's dating again...”

“Like I’d be anything but happy for her,” Jasper shakes his head, then his eyes drift down Ryan’s body. "Sorry, I can't with Beth out there."

“At this point, I basically expect something or someone will interrupt us or kill the moment, every single time." Ryan states with a smile as he lifts his hips and pulls his pants up from his knees. "Still not interested in house hunting? Because I quite like the idea of locking people out and having actual time together," he says as he buttons up his shirt and runs his fingers through his messy hair to try and make it look less conspicuous.

“Actual time together, with kids? Nice joke,” Jasper says sarcastically. Ryan throws Jasper’s clothes towards him in a slightly annoyed manner, then walks out to see Beth, not waiting for Jasper.

“Beth!” Ryan strolls out of the bedroom, scaring a surprised squeal out of her. The moment she sees who it is, she runs over for a hug. Ryan wraps his arms around her, picking her up and swinging her around in a circle. “So good to see you again, beautiful. How are you?”

“I’m good, I’m good. How have you been? Shouldn’t you be at the ultrasound appointment?” Beth asks as Ryan sets her back on her feet.

“Yeah, it’s just been pushed back a few hours. We just thought we’d come back here and rest. I didn't think you were home.” Jasper states, walking out of his bedroom straightening his clothes. There was really no point covering up what they had been doing, but he was fairly sure that part of him was never going to be completely comfortable with Beth knowing anything about their sex lives. That was just a level he'd never reach with the girl he dated from church.

“Yes, actually we are going to go look at some houses soon. Aren’t we Jasper?”

“You’re not rushing off, are you? It’s been really weird not having you home, Jasper! How has tour been?” she asks, racing into the kitchen and boiling the kettle to make them all tea.

“Yeah, you know quiet.” Jasper was excited to be on tour with Ryan. It was basically doubling as a honeymoon, after all. But he thrived off being in very high energy company. It was relaxing with Ryan in a way that’s probably helpful to keep him grounded. But of course, every single step of this was compared to what the tour was like with the band. Considering last time had been absolute mayhem with the constant shenanigans he and Blake were getting up to along the way, this was much more mellow.

Even though they had very little downtime, it actually felt like downtime, whereas with Blake, all their spare time was spent laughing at each other and annoying the other members. It was a whole different dynamic with Ryan around. He did feel he had to behave himself at least a little more than he wanted to. Ryan was fun. They were having fun. They just had different levels of energy. Ryan liked to relax and Jasper liked to get up to no good and be egged on in the process.

Beth sits down at the table, passing Jasper a cup of tea and a tempting tray of double chocolate cupcakes.

"Can I use your laptop to look for houses?" Ryan asks. They weren't going anywhere, not now that tea was poured.

"You guys can just live here," Beth suggests.

"No, I've already encroached on your space enough." After selling his apartment right on the cusp of the world falling to shit, Jasper hadn't been able to find himself a new place. Beth and Ryan had both invited Jasper to live with them until he found his own place and he'd chosen to move in with Beth so he and Ryan could still have the space they needed to work everything out. Living with Beth was cathartic to both of them, really. Bonding and comforting each other through their loss and grief was what they needed. It was also just so nice to really reset their relationship and become friends again after all the hurt that Jasper caused her when they dated, the hurt she caused him when he came out and the awkwardness that hung between them from then on. It was nice to just live together as friends, knowing there was so much love and yet nothing between them.

"Babe, it's been amazing living with you. I'm seriously going to miss you so much. I'm really glad we had that time together. Please don't feel bad about it, I cherished it." Beth assures him. Amazingly they acted like more of a couple in that time, than they had when they'd been trying to force their relationship years ago. Movie nights snuggled up together on the couch, cooking meals together, not mentioning that the real reason they were watching The Greatest Showman for the umpteenth time was so they could see Zac Efron in suspenders.

"I know, I did too. We just can't all move in here. Especially with little ones. I'm not putting you through those sleepless nights. You don't get enough sleep as it is with all your crazy work hours."

"I am moving out soon," Beth replies, looking around wistfully with tears welling in her eyes. Ryan looks at Jasper and puts an arm around his shoulders. "I feel awful about leaving, but I can't live here anymore." She wipes tears from her cheeks. "But I'm sure he'd love the idea of you and Ryan and your own family living here."

"No, I can't," Jasper says quickly, glancing at Ryan beside him and shaking his head. He couldn't explain it, but he felt like if he came back here after tour, it'd be staying stagnant. He would never completely leave Blake behind, but he couldn't live in his house. Not if he had any hope of moving forward with his life.

"I know," Beth nods. She understood exactly how Jasper felt, even though he hadn't expressed it out loud. He loved the comfort of Blake's house, the closeness he'd felt living here with Beth, but he needed to leave, too. He wanted to live somewhere with Ryan, that felt truly like theirs. It was time for them to set themselves up in their own home, together and start setting new memories, with their family.

"So, you're moving. Does that have anything to do with the person you were saying 'I love you' to on the phone?" Jasper asks.

"That was my mum," Beth was lying and Jasper hated it, but he didn't blame her. She'd not dated or even talked about dating since losing Blake. Time had been healing. She deserved happiness and Jasper would do his best not to point out how much no one else would ever live up to Blake. This was really it for both of them. They were really both heading into a future of happiness and love. Speaking of which, Ryan and Jasper had an appointment to get to.

Jasper sits beside Ryan, their hands clasped together as they watch the obstetrician put a dollop of gel on Grace's baby bump. She'd started showing much more than her last pregnancies, only adding to the fear Jasper had that she was going to fire multiple babies out in 6 months' time and just wish him and Ryan good luck with their clan.

“So there’s the gestational SAC. And…” the obstetrician points at the screen as he moves the doppler to get a better view. "And there, is the foetus.”

“The foetus? Singular?” Jasper asks.

“Yep, just a Singleton." Jasper lets out a deep relieved breath and Ryan squeezes his hand, lifting it to press a nervous kiss on Jasper's knuckles. Ryan leans forward and looks at the tiny little bean shaped blob on the screen, the head hardly distinguished from the rest of the body and the little arms and legs still only balls of cells, yet to take shape. It was incredible to see what was really happening inside the bump. The way one awkward afternoon, with a turkey baster, had turned into this. Ryan was so in love. So. Deeply. In love.

"How far along did you say you were?" The obstetrician asks Grace, measuring the foetus from crown to rump.

“11 to 12 weeks.” Grace answers with a smile, glancing over at the elated expression on her brother's face and the awe on Ryan's. The obstetrician hums thoughtfully and moves the doppler around, measuring again.

"Is everything ok?" Ryan asks, immediately anxious by the 'hmm' of the obstetrician.

“Well, I’ll have to finish the scan before I can answer that question, but..." The pause sucks all the air from the room and it feels like much more than just a few seconds before they continue talking. "It appears the foetus is measuring a little behind what you expect. Which is fairly normal. People don’t always ovulate on the regular schedule or if you had sex outside of your ovulation window, you may have actually conceived a few days after ovulation, it’s normal for people to get the dates wrong.”

"Oh, we didn't have sex. I was testing on ovulation strips and when I got a positive they did their thing and I just inseminated myself." Grace explains quickly.

"So have you been estimating 11-12 weeks from last menstrual cycle, or from the positive ovulation test?"

"My last cycle. It'd be 10 weeks since insemination. Is that closer to what I'm measuring?" Grace asks.

"Well, a little less." The obstetrician answers. "Let me finish this scan, though. We can double check the dates when I'm done."

“Grace?” Jasper’s voice comes across nervous to even ask the question that was burning in his mind. “Did you and Flynn… Is this not our baby?”

“No, it has to be. I swear Flynn and I. We were waiting until we had a positive pregnancy test. And we’ve been using protection, I mean. God, after the twins, there’s no way I would want to have another baby for myself so soon. This has to be yours, is this? This has to be your baby.”

“How early can you do a DNA test?” Ryan asks, feeling completely deflated already, also a little betrayed.

“Not until the baby is born. But like I said, it’s common for people to get the dates wrong on this. Ovulation trackers aren’t always 100% reliable either.” The obstetrician answers.

“We were only doing one insemination a month, so, at best, that would only be a couple of days off, wouldn’t it? Like you’re talking a couple of weeks off. That’s not how that works, is it?” Ryan asks, staring at the tiny baby on the screen and feeling himself going numb as though the love he felt only moments ago for his baby had been paused by doubt.

"Let me finish checking everything here. If the baby looks alright, then we’ll send you for a blood test up in pathology just to check your HGC levels. Make sure that it’s rising as it should be and there are no other concerns in this pregnancy." It felt like the longest few minutes of the obstetrician scanning and measuring the tiny baby.

“Grace, it’s ok. Look, if it’s not our baby then... You know we will be there for you and support you through this and... I know it’s not what you planned, but…”

“No! Jasper, I swear this is your and Ryan’s baby. It has to be. I mean, Flynn and I have barely had time to look at each other since twins came. You know. We’re not even sleeping in the same room. There’s been nothing there…” Grace's eyes were filled with panicked tears.

“So let me just check the dates here. When was the last day of your last menstrual cycle? What date was the insemination performed? And what date did you get the positive pregnancy test?” Grace pulls out a phone and starts flicking through the calendar. Answering all the questions. “And there was definitely no chance that there have been any other possibilities of you falling pregnant in this time? Regardless of protection, no birth control is 100% effective.”

“No, like I said. We don’t have time. We rarely have the opportunity and we were being careful, we were waiting. The first time we did was after the positive test result.”

All the tension seemed to fade away the moment the obstetrician turns the sound on and the rush of a heartbeat fills the room. “Nice strong heartbeat,” he smiles at them.

“God, that’s fast.” Jasper smiles, no matter what, there was a heartbeat and it was just incredible to hear. It sounded like a galloping horse, it was racing almost as fast as Jasper felt like his heart was.

“167 beats per minute.” The obstetrician nods.

“That’s normal, right?” Ryan asks.

“Yep. Perfectly normal. Baby looks fine. Heart rate is good, the development is consistent with about 7-8 weeks gestation, now sometimes the measurements are off and babies all grow at their own rate. Our measurements and estimations are only an average, there's every chance that you are further along, I can only tell you what I am seeing and what the measurements are recording. So what we’ll do, is send you for a blood test to check those HGC levels because that gives us more of an idea about the development rate, we expect a certain level and rise from that hormone, we’ll check the levels again same time tomorrow to make sure it's increasing as it should. If there’s any reason for concern, then we’ll call you back in another 24 hours to check again. I'm going to book you in for another scan in a fortnight just to check that everything is going well. Otherwise, try not to stress, if there’s any issues with the blood test, we’ll get you back sooner for the next scan to check on everything but from what I’ve seen today, I have no concerns about the health of the foetus.”

Try not to stress. It was easier said than done. The three of them walk out of the office in an awkward and anxious silence. Jasper hugs his sister delicately, both of them holding it together. Ryan was walking off on his own, needing air and space to clear his thoughts.

“What if it’s not our baby?” Ryan asks after he and Jasper board the plane, having to leave Grace and all the uncertainty behind for the longest 24 hours.

Jasper sighs and slumps down in his seat, opening his water bottle and taking the first anti-depressant Ryan had seen him take since the morning of his first show in this tour. “If it’s not our baby, we’re going to support Grace through this, because she did not intend on having another baby for herself. Poor girl, she's barely coping with the twins as it is, she looks so exhausted.”

“What about us, though?” Ryan couldn't believe Jasper was worried about Grace, and he didn't mean that in an awful way. Deep down, he loved that Jasper was worried about Grace's wellbeing and how she would cope having another child of her own right now. But if this was her accidental 4th baby, then his and Ryan's short-lived excitement of starting a family was about to be ripped away from them for another year or more and Jasper didn't seem to care. This effected them too, and Jasper's only concern was on Grace.

“This won’t be our only chance to have a baby, Ry. No matter what happens, we’ll have a family one day. What we’re not going to do, is overthink this. We don’t have any answers yet, we just have to wait.” Jasper replies. Perspective was not something Ryan could have right now. He was just imagining how crushing it was going to feel to get to the birth and find out it's not even his baby. To have all the hype, all the love, and none of the reward. He was already overthinking it.

“Are you not at all worried?” Ryan shakes his head at Jasper.

“Of course I am, but we’re not doctors. We’re performers, and our job right now is to be fine until we know more.” Jasper was being very matter of fact about something that was having the complete opposite effect on Ryan.

“Just on with the show?”

Jasper shrugs, looking down at his phone distractedly. “Nothing more we can do.”