The Next Stage - 15. For Better or for Worse?

"Come in."

Finally, the time had come. It'd been the longest 72 hours and 36 minutes of Ryan's life. He felt sick with nerves as he walks into the plainly decorated office with inspirational and a peace-willing quotes in picture frames on the wall. There's some kind of subtle yet soothing background noise, like the gentle wash of waves on the shore. There's a desk with two seats opposite the psychologist, flipping through a file, waiting. Directly across from the door Ryan entered through was a door being guarded by a woman in a white uniform that had 'security' embroided on the front pocket of the shirt.

"How is he?" Leo asks, following Ryan in.

"Who is Mr Reid's partner?" the doctor asks, eyeing both of them. "I'm sorry, just family for this meeting."

"I'll let you know everything." Ryan gives Leo a reassuring smile. Leo groans and walks out of the room, closing the door behind himself. Ryan turns back to the doctor. His head had been throbbing for hours and all sorts of thoughts had been running through his mind about what this meeting would be like. "How has he been?"

"Compliant with medications and treatment. Take a seat." The doctor closes the file before him, with Jasper's name on the front. "You need to be aware that his initial medications include a sedative which takes a week or two to stabilize, so it may be confronting for you to see such a drastic change in his behaviour to begin with. He's very quiet and drowsy at this stage. When the medications are more stable, his should go back to relatively normal, with the exception obviously, being that he's having less extreme emotional reactions and responses. Do you have any questions about what to expect before we bring him in? I understand this can be stressful for the loved ones."

"Uh, you said weeks. Is there any possibility that it won't take that long? We're expecting our surrogate to give birth any day." Ryan knows how stupid the question is, but he had to ask anyway.

"All medications effect people slightly differently. We generally say to expect at least a 14 day settling-in period for anti-psychotics, that's not to say he won't adjust in less."

It's as though the words are on repeat because he could swear all sounds in the room stopped. Not the gentle hum of the air conditioner, or the scratching of pen on paper, the soothing ambience, not even the subconscious tapping of his on fingers on the armrest of the chair. All he can hear are the words 'anti-psychotics' swimming through his ears, carrying a sense of dread straight to his heart, making it so heavy it could sink.

"Send Jasper Reid in, thank you." The doctor orders. The security guard nods, scans her ID card and puts in a code then exits through the door.

"Sorry, you said anti-psychotics?" Ryan asks.

"I'll discuss the diagnosis when your partner is present," the doctor replies, looking towards the door as it opens it again. Jasper looks numb as he enters, shuffling slowly into the room. The guard follows with a hand resting calmly on Jasper's back and a soft compassionate smile on her face. "Hello Mr Reid, take a seat. How are you feeling?" the doctor speaks in a gentle tone.

"Good," Jasper answers quietly as he sits beside Ryan at the desk.

The way Jasper doesn't acknowledge him makes Ryan feel sick. Jasper doesn't even look at him until Ryan speaks. "Hey," he smiles nervously at Jasper.

"Hi. Are you taking me home?" Jasper asks, looking into Ryan's eyes with hopeful desperation.

"Yes. As soon as the doctor says you're ready."

"Has she had the baby?" Jasper asks.

"No, not yet. You didn't miss anything." Ryan replies, placing a hand on Jasper's knee and pressing a gentle kiss on his cheek. "I'm so happy to see you," Ryan tells him, wishing he could wrap Jasper in his arms. Part of him wanted to leave without a diagnosis, to live free of whatever words were written on the notes the doctor was fixated on.

Jasper gives a soft smile and nervously touches his fingers to Ryan's hand. Instantly, Ryan turns his hand to take Jasper's, giving him a comforting squeeze.

"Jasper, we've talked about your diagnosis, haven't we?" the doctor asks.

"Yes."

"To gauge your understanding, can you explain your diagnosis to your partner?"

Jasper pauses, looking down at his and Ryan's hands, hesitation making the air around them feel suffocatingly thick.

"It's ok. No matter what it is, I'm here for you." Ryan assures him.

Jasper sighs, avoiding looking up at Ryan's face as he speaks. "I have manic depression."

"The clinical diagnosis is?" the doctor prompts.

"Bipolar."

Ryan looks back at the doctor for confirmation. He knew he'd hear something, he knew Jasper was being diagnosed with a mental illness but this still felt like it was coming out of nowhere to hear. Part of him had hopes this would just be called a nervous breakdown and he'd be prescribed with half an hour of mindfulness training a day. Not anti-psychotics and a life-long illness. The doctor was speaking to him but Ryan didn't hear any of the words he was saying.

"Sorry, can you repeat that?"

"It's ok, I understand it's a lot to take in. I've got a lot of information being prepared for you to take home and look over when you feel more prepared to absorb it. I was just asking if you were familiar with this diagnosis."

"I've heard about it but I don't really know how to support someone with it." Ryan answers, squeezing Jasper's hand, though Jasper doesn't squeeze back.

"That's ok, there are plenty of avenues for you both to access support for this. Jasper, can you explain how your medications work and what to be aware of or stay clear of?"

"I have to take them daily. I can't drink more than the occasional drink, or do any drugs while on my medications, and I can't stop my medications without discussing it first with a doctor and having them agree. It'll take a few weeks for the medications to settle so the symptoms will improve. If they haven't improved over the next 21 days I need to see a doctor about changing medications or doses."

"Some of the initial side effects aren't pleasant, but it's extremely important that these medications aren't suddenly stopped after they have been commenced, as it can cause extremely dangerous fluctuations in moods. Do you understand?" the doctor looks from Jasper to Ryan.

"Yes," they both answer.

"So you've been prescribed a few medications. Can you read the list and explain to me what they are for?" The doctor asks, passing Jasper his medication chart.

"The top one is for daily used to maintain my serotonin. The second one is a sedative for use if I am experiencing manic episodes. The third one is for insomnia as a side effect of the first medication and the last one is for nausea, also as a side effect." Jasper answers while his doctor nods along with each answer.

"You've done so well, Jasper. I know this is a difficult thing to come to terms with, but you and your partner should both be proud of the strength you've shown in not only seeking help, but accepting a diagnosis and your compliance with the treatment. If you are happy to be discharged, you may sign the paperwork and collect your belongings and medications from the triage desk," the doctor tells them.

"Thank you." Jasper stands and reaches a hand out to shake his.

"You're welcome. Good luck with your treatment. The nurse will give you information to take home and read, along with my contact details and support networks to reach out to. If there is anything else we can do, do not hesitate to call, otherwise I'll see you in a month for a follow-up appointment."

Jasper nods, turning and walking towards the door Ryan had entered through, where the security guard was now standing. Ryan follows, his hand on Jasper's back as they are let out back into the waiting room and led to the front desk. The security guard passes an envelope to the nurse who walks off from the desk, returning minutes later with 4 cannisters of pills prescribed to Jasper, along with a small tree worth of pamphlets and print outs.

"Thank you so much." Jasper fakes a polite smile, taking his things. The security guard follows them to the front door, smiling as they pass him, back out into fresh air and the real world.

"Hey, how are you?" Leo jumps out of his car to greet Jasper.

"Tired." Jasper sighs. Leo opens the back door and Jasper climbs in. Before joining him, Ryan hands one of the pamphlets to Leo, who reads the title and gives a stressed frown.

"Shit," he mutters under his breath and pats Ryan on the back, gesturing at him to get in the back with Jasper.

Leo kept glancing back in the mirror at Ryan and Jasper during the silent trip home. Jasper was seemingly asleep, his calming blanket draped around him and his head on Ryan's shoulder. Ryan's attention was firmly out the window with a concerned frown that didn't leave his face the entire drive, not that Leo looked any different. They'd both have to fix their expressions when Jasper woke up, but for now they were free to guiltlessly worry to themselves.

When they arrive home, Jasper is groggy to rouse and insistent on heading straight to bed. It was as though he was in a trance, sleepwalking even. Either way, Ryan was certain Jasper wasn't safe to get himself to bed. Ryan escorts him up the stairs, with his hand behind Jasper's back, ready to support his weight if his unsteady footing fails him.

"Ry?" Jasper opens his eyes as Ryan tucks the blankets around him. "I'm so sorry I am putting you through this. You should be getting ready for your baby, not having to baby me."

"Don't apologise for needing me to take care of you. That's what I'm here for." Ryan smiles reassuringly.

"I just feel so hopeless right now."

"That's the medications. Like the doctor said, they are going to take a while to settle in and for this feeling to pass, but it will pass. You will be fine. Just give it time, alright? We'll get through this, just like we get through everything else." Ryan assures him, sitting on the bed beside him and holding his hand. "I'm sorry I didn't realise and get you help sooner."

"You're not a psychiatrist. And you have been telling me to get help, to take my meds. I just didn't listen." Jasper mumbles, closing his eyes again.

"Still. I should have done more." Ryan lifts Jasper's hand and kisses it softly.

"You sound like me." Jasper opens his eyes and rolls onto his side, getting comfy. "Remember how Luke and Simon and Chris used to say I had anger issues? They weren't wrong. Just misdiagnosing. Just because I finally broke, doesn't mean you could have stopped it. This was building in me before we even met."

"What do you mean?" Ryan frowns.

"I've always been fucked up, Ry. We just have a name for it now." Jasper mumbles.

"Is there anything else I can do to help?" Ryan asks, feeling completely useless.

"No, I'm just going to sleep. The sedatives are fucking with me." Jasper groans. Ryan smiles at the hint of Jasper's personality, not completely squashed by medications. That part of him that had been afraid from the moment Jasper walked into the office in a zombielike state hours ago, to now, that Jasper would be a drugged up shell of a person for weeks, is relieved. He'd not wanted Jasper to keep acting like he had been before he went away, but he couldn't imagine Jasper being quiet and meek. He still wanted the fun and the cheek that he'd always loved.

Ryan sits by the bedside until he's sure Jasper is asleep. Then he makes his way back downstairs to actually confront the paperwork outlining what to expect and how to manage.

Leo was still downstairs, waiting to ask how Jasper was. "Have you seen the list of side-effects?" Leo holds up the information he'd been reading, almost a full page of which lists side-effects and adverse-effects.

"Everything has side-effects. For now, let's hope 'drowsy' is all he has to deal with. We have to make do because the alternative isn't functional either." Ryan couldn't bring himself to unnecessarily stress over the potential of each and every other listed effect they may experience. If something happened, he'd look for it on the list. Otherwise, he could leave that page of anxiety inducing dot points out of his current thoughts.

"Did you know?" Leo asks.

It was something Ryan had been thinking to himself since he heard the diagnosis. In hindsight, he could see signs leading right back through just about every interaction with Chris back in the day. How Jasper conducted himself in the band. Like Jasper himself had said, his 'anger issues' had always been a concern. The way Jasper could switch between moods. His passion so often linked to outbursts of anger or complete shut down. Again he's left remembering all the times Jasper just shrugged off serious issues rather than deal with them. The culmination of poor management of his own emotional needs had led him to such a brutal breaking point when he lost Blake and they all called that, quite simply, depression. He'd never been diagnosed because it seemed obvious. There was an extreme cause and his symptoms lined up. It made enough sense that no one really considered that he was already unstable.

"I knew something was wrong. I tried to ask him about it but I couldn't have predicted this." Ryan sighs, leaning against the bench.

"Are you surprised though?" Leo asks casually. " I can't help thinking we have been missing signs because, well, all the time I've known him, he's been... I don't know." Leo shrugs.

"Having emotionally driven to emotionally repressive responses?"

"Pretty much sums him up, yes." Leo nods the notices Ryan is reading directly from a brochure.

"High energy to low energy cycles. Tick." Ryan reads out as Leo looks over his shoulder.

"Hypersexual behaviour during times of higher stress?" Leo reads out.

"Well." Ryan thinks back, realising just how many times he'd shrugged off Jasper's horny behaviour in odd situations. Ryan had thought Jasper was being petty by wanting to double down and get intimate whenever his parents were negative about his sexuality. From the first time Ryan met them, and Jasper had climbed on him in the car to make out, just a few blocks from their house, to wanting to roleplay some rebellious teenage scenario with Ryan after they'd sent him to conversion therapy, to the other night, complaining that they weren't supportive of the two of them becoming parents right after going down on Ryan. "Tick." he sighs, trying not to have his own crisis as he tries to work out whether he should feel guilty for never questioning any of the many, many times Jasper had used sex to avoid actually dealing with the source of his stress.

"Impulsive or risky behavior?" Leo reads out another symptom.

"Tick." They answer simultaneously.

"How did we not know?" Ryan sighs, sinking into the lounge and setting his eyes on the words 'Living with Bipolar Disorder'.

"See, it actually makes a lot of sense now that we know what we are looking at."

"I'm scared this will change things."

"It will. Can you handle that? I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't." Leo states, sitting beside Ryan.

"Pretty sure in my wedding vows I promised he'd never have to go through any battle alone. For better or for worse, right? I didn't expect this, but it wasn't conditional. I'm not going to walk away just because there's another layer of complication with Jasper. Just because between us we're like drama Bingo. Did anyone have 'Jasper has Bipolar' on their cards, because we've had just about everything else at this point." Ryan rubs his forehead.

"Look, everyone is going to have your backs throughout this. You know that, right? You may need to carry him for a while, and you may be carrying the responsibility of your baby too, but don't think you don't have or can't ask for help to carry you. If you need me here to keep an eye on him, or you need someone to take the baby or you just want someone to vent to about it all, you've got plenty of people around for you. This isn't just about Jasper. You've got a huge, supportive network around you. Call on people and lean on people. That's what we're all here for."

Ryan is genuinely confused by Leo's statement. He'd always seen Leo as Jasper's employee. Especially over the process of tour, he'd found Leo to be completely focused on Jasper, even to the point of being actively rude to Ryan if he was getting in the way of Jasper's success. To hear from Leo that he'd have support too was incredibly unexpected.

"Thanks. Maybe just give us a couple of days to work things out. I will call on people when we need them, but for now, I think we need to focus on each other before we have the baby to worry about. God, this has all just gone to shit. This is meant to be the best time of our lives." Ryan runs his hands over his face. "I don't even want to tell Grace, because I'm scared she will think it's not safe for us to raise the baby. But at the same time, god. Maybe it isn't."

"It's probably the worst time to have a baby, but you didn't plan on him going into psychosis and checking himself into a facility the week before your due date. Shit happens. I don't know why you ever thought having a baby would go to plan because nothing ever does for you two."

"He's not psychotic." Ryan corrects. Leo holds up the drug container labeled 'anti-psychotics'. "The term is mania. It's a manic depression disorder. He had a manic episode."

Leo pats Ryan's back and gives a sigh. "Do you need anything right now?"

"No, I just want to sit and think this all through."

"Ok. Drink water, eat food, take care of yourself and call me if you need anything, alright? And keep me posted on how he's going, please?" Leo asks, heading towards the door. Ryan nods, looking back at all the things he needed to read and feeling overwhelmed the moment he hears the front door click shut.

***

"Thank you so much for helping me plan the routine." Ryan sighs, stepping into the shade of a tree in the backyard and pouring water all over himself to cool off.

"Anything for my favourite choreographer," Kelsey grins. "What's Jasper up to? I'd have thought he'd be helping you with the routine since you guys are back together." Kelsey says teasingly.

"He's resting. Tour took it out of him." Ryan masks the truth, glancing up towards their bedroom window. Jasper had barely gotten up since they got home late yesterday. Between checking his phone for baby news and checking on Jasper every ten minutes, Ryan had been losing it and was so grateful for a distraction. "Were you surprised when he turned up at my audition?"

"No. Mostly because I forgot you guys were meant to not be a thing? Did you ever even break-up?"

Ryan gives a shrug. "The day that question has a simple answer will be the best damn day of my life," he sighs.

Kelsey laughs, "I forget you're a celebrity."

"Thanks?" Ryan says, wondering whether to be glad or offended.

"You get to have a messy, complicated celebrity relationship filled with never ending drama." Kelsey says, like it's something to be desired. "I barely coped with the attention when we were on the show. I don't know how you and Jasper deal with all the media and opinions."

"Mostly by ignoring it." Ryan shrugs.

"How can you, though? Have you seen the headline about Jasper being an alcoholic, again? Some guy came forward saying he slept with Jasper a few years ago when he was bad last time and it's brought out the judgy in people. The ones that believe this guy, are making claims that you're too good for Jasper and he doesn't deserve you because he treats you like crap. People have gone as far as referencing the times he's lashed out and hit people and drawn the conclusion that you're not safe with him or that you're intimidated into staying with him. Then there's just people that keep saying you're always standing up for him, but the only time he ever mentions you is for clout, like that concert video going viral when he was under a lot of negative criticism seemed more like a diversion than anything. Lots of people are of the opinion that you are too nice of a person to be with him because he's, I don't know, fake, I guess." Kelsey sighs, dancing back into the space in the yard.

"Great. That's just what we need right now." Ryan sighs.

"He can just deny it. The whole guy's statement is out the window if Jasper comes forward and says it didn't happen, so I wouldn't stress too much." Kelsey nudges Ryan who is staring back up at the window. "Should we run through the routine again?"

"Yeah."

***

Trawling through the comment section from the article that featured this asshole's statement about hooking-up with Jasper during his lowest point with depression, was probably a bad idea. The gutless guy had chosen to remain anonymous, but Leo had a pretty good memory for places he'd been to. Right now wasn't the time to turn up and commit a felony, but just having it in the back of his mind that Leo may be able to drive him there in the dead of the night to make sure this guy couldn't remember anything ever again, was bringing comfort.

'We'd been talking at the bar and when I said I was going home he asked if he could come with me. I stopped drinking, but he did a shot before he left and when we got back to my house he asked if I had any drugs. I was shocked. He was demanding, and I felt bad for him. But he was messed up. He asked if I had a condom and I said no, but it didn't deter him. I definitely expected better, but the truth is it wasn't good. Despite initiating it, he made little effort and afterwards he just left, didn't even speak to me.'

Kelsey was right, the comments were completely unforgiving. As much as Ryan hated hearing this recount of the event that he'd never wanted to hear about, he at least understood the context of the situation. All these people had a lot of opinions for strangers that hadn't sat in a gutter watching Jasper fall apart and cry about how he didn't know how to even function anymore.

Speaking of Jasper functioning, Ryan is so deeply enthralled in what he's hate reading that he doesn't notice Jasper walk past him to the kitchen until he hears the kettle boiling.

"Hey, you're up. Want me to help?" Ryan throws his phone aside.

"I'm alright. Just a little blurry?" Jasper answers with a sigh. "Are you ok? Stress reading? Very on brand for you." Jasper gives a small smile that almost looks genuine.

"Actually, I wasn't." Ryan answers, getting up and walking over towards Jasper.

"Mhm, I'd believe you but I saw the frown you pull at your phone when you've fallen in a google rabbit hole. Or did you see the article?" he asks, casually.

"You've seen it?"

"I know it exists. I have no intention to actually read it." Jasper shrugs. "How bad is it?"

"At one point he tries to fake that he cared about the fact you weren't in a good state of mind."

"Leo thinks we should 'accidentally' release a sex tape and has offered to hold the camera," Jasper says with an amused smile.

"Absolutely not."

"Daniel thinks I should file for defamation. Says this could have further detrimental effects on my career. I don't want to acknowledge it because I know me. If I open my mouth, I'm going to make this a million times worse. I should never have 'come back' those quiet years, achieving absolutely nothing, were the best years of my life."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"I could use a hug." Jasper answers. Ryan steps forward and wraps his arms around Jasper in the most comforting and loving embrace. Jasper inhales slowly, his body relaxing against Ryan. "I don't..." Jasper pauses, leaning back to look into Ryan's eyes, but he bumps the sugar container, spilling it all over the bench. As he turns back to fix the mess, he knocks the mug and fumbles to catch it. Ryan presses himself against Jasper, forcing him against the bench so the mug won't fall off. "I can't do anything right." Jasper groans.

"It's ok. Don't stress. Let me." Ryan holds Jasper against him with one arm, reaching past him to make the drink.

"Everyone is right, you're too good for me."

"Everyone can mind their own business. I've been through it too, Jas. You could ask my mum how many times she had to take care of me when I was in the worst of it and she'd probably not even be able to remember half the times she had to step up for me while I adjusted to meds. This stage sucks, but it'll pass and you'll be fine."

"But what about until it passes? What if I don't get to remember our baby being born? What if I hold the drop the baby? What if..."

"What if you wake up tomorrow without the shakes and your head feels a little less fuzzy?" Ryan asks. Jasper sighs, wishing he could be positive right now, but that seemed impossible. Even if he wanted to, it was as if his brain was set to a default of 'feel nothing'. Ryan kisses Jasper's forehead and holds him a little tighter as if he knows exactly how Jasper was feeling.

Jasper turns around again in Ryan's arms and presses his face into Ryan's shoulder. He takes in a shuddering breath as he tries to stop himself from crying. "I... I'm sorry about the other day."

"I appreciate that, but don't be too hard on yourself. Neither of us knew what we know now." Ryan rubs his back to comfort him. "Welcome to the family. We're all mentally ill and we all take care of each other. Having a diagnosis is nothing to be afraid of, babe. It just gives us a chance to understand and mitigate things that may be an issue before they have a chance to be an issue. Now we know that 3am baking sessions are likely to be manic episodes. And instead of it causing us problems, I can know to just get up and stay with you until it passes. We know if you're going down on me like a porn star, that I need to maybe..."

"Relax and enjoy it like any other guy in the universe would?" Jasper offers, looking up at Ryan with a smirk.

"Mm, it was insanely good."

"That seriously better not be a pun."

"Too soon for jokes?"

"Definitely too soon, but I assure you that will be funny when I've gotten over the whole 'clinically insane' diagnosis." Jasper laughs, wiping tears from his eyes.

"You're not clinically insane."

"Tell that to the anti-psychotics I have to take every day for the rest of my life."

"That's just the drug group they fall under."

"Oh! Wait! We need to talk about you getting the choreo job. Fuck. I've been the worst." Jasper sits up on the bench, right in the sugar. Not that he seems to care. "Tell me about it," he smiles, picking up his tea and sipping at it.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you..."

"Skip that part."

"Well, it's only assistant choreographer, but it's a step forward into a new career, plus less responsibility so I there's less demand on me. I should be home to help out with the baby and you, and all of that a fair bit."

"And I am really happy for you. I know my reaction the other day wasn't great. I was just hurt about not being told, but I am so happy and so proud of you and I want you to know that. It's a huge deal. You're going to do amazingly, and I'm going to support the hell out of this career path you're taking. I can't wait to see you achieve and excel at your own thing. You've cheered me on through my career. It's beyond time I returned the favour and watched you shine. Take all the opportunities you can to step up too, don't worry about us and the house. We'll manage. I don't want you to turn anything down because you never know when you'll get the chance again."

Lovely of a gesture as it was, the idea of putting work ahead of his family right now seemed incredibly unlikely to Ryan. He wasn't even sure he would be able to go through with this job now. The timing was so wrong, but the opportunity was too big to pass up.

"When is the first day?" Jasper asks.

"Next Monday."

"Are you excited?"

"Nervous."

"You'll be fine. I saw you and Kelsey practicing earlier. I'm looking forward to seeing the show and knowing that my incredibly talented husband was behind the dances." Jasper states with a sweet smile. "And just for the record, I felt the same way about it when you were offered the opportunity to audition, when I saw you at the audition and when I found out you got the job. It's not just because I'm off my face on mood stabilizers. I realise I probably don't say it enough, but I'm always proud and grateful for you. I'm going to make sure I show you that more. I know I've made you feel undervalued, and I've been selfish. You put up with more than you should have, and I'm not going to take advantage of that. I'm taking this thing with myself so seriously, because I know I need to do and be better."

"I hope you're doing this for yourself too."

"Things are going to be very different, very soon. I want to go into this change as the best version of myself I can possibly be. There's way too much in my life that I don't want to lose, but don't deserve the way I have been. You and our kid are my biggest motivation," Jasper says confidently. Ryan nods, hoping for all their sakes that this would be the start of much better times. After all, they were out of time. Within the next few days, they were going to become parents, and Ryan was going to start a new career. They deserved for things to get exponentially better, because it couldn't really get much worse. It was time once again, for them to prove that they were stronger than any problems they could face.