The Next Stage - 18. Reputations

“We can do this on our own, can’t we, Jazzy? You’re going to sleep most of the day. I’m going to organise what I’m doing with my life now and daddy’s going to come home and be impressed with me. We can do this.” Jasper whispers as stands by the front windows holding Jasmyn’s little hand and making her wave while Ryan reverses out the driveway. “Shit,” he mutters under his breath, watching the car leave and feeling the pressure set in.

Luckily, the next feed stayed down, and Jasmyn went to sleep without any problems, giving Jasper time to wander aimlessly around the house trying to think of what he’s meant to be doing. After a load of washing is thrown on and he stares at the nursery for a while, he ends up in his terrible excuse for a studio. He moves equipment around hopelessly trying to rearrange it to be workable before giving up and laying on his bed with his laptop to look up the production course he’d deferred before tour. The plan was to take advantage of his energy now, so he wouldn’t feel like he’d wasted the day if the rest of it turned to crap after this.

He re-enrolls into his next set of units and starts going through them to see what the study load would be. He was a stay-at-home parent now, so he had nothing but time to study. The enthusiasm gets him as far as opening a tab to start his unit, when he gets interrupted by the doorbell. For a few moments, he sits silently, waiting to hear if it’d woken his baby before deciding how politely he’d answer the door. Jazzy is still out to it when he tip toes past and down to the door.

“Good morning, how’d the night go? You look so tired!” Just what every new parent wants to hear.

“Jules, hi. It was good to be home, get to settle in a little on our own.” Jasper replies, hoping It'd be enough of a hint that he didn’t want company.

“Is she sleeping?” Jules looks past him.

“Yes.”

“You should be sleeping too! Parents sleep when baby sleeps, that’s the rule.”

“Its more of a saying, than a rule.” Jasper shrugs. “Besides, then nothing would get done because when she’s awake, she doesn’t want to be put down.”

“What needs doing? I can help out...”

“Thank you but what I need to do at the moment is start my study again. You can’t exactly do my assessments for me.”

“You’re going to study now, when you’ve just had a baby? Honey, you’ll burn yourself out.”

“Hey, your son got a full-time career when we’ve just had the baby. Besides, all she does is sleep.” Jasper shrugs.

“Darling...” There is no point arguing at this moment and Jasper knows it, so instead he finds himself taking a nap like an obedient child himself while Ryan’s mum potters around the house ‘tidying’. Mostly she was probably just staring affectionately at the baby and hoping Jasmyn would wake up.

*** 

“Ryan, welcome. How are you feeling?”

“I’m excited.” Ryan was panicking on the inside but absolutely thrilled to be here regardless.

“Today is just a regular run through, get to know each other and the outline for the performances. You’ll be mostly observing, since this is your first time choreographing for a musical. What you can do is keep an eye on the members of the group that stand out, to have the solos or be in front during performances.” As he’s led to the stage, the internal panic heightens. There must have been over a hundred people here. There’s a sense of warmth as Ryan takes his place before them as though he has any authority.

For once, no amount of strangers could put him off. He felt an unfamiliar amount of relaxation. Like he had found his place and instead of being scared of the unknown, he had confidence in being able to manage it.

No one cares to introduce any of the dancers by name. They just separate them into men and women then organise them into smaller groups. Ryan gets to sit in the auditorium, watching the choreographer he’s shadowing, teach the group some simple steps. While he’s watching, he does as he was instructed, observes the dancers to see who would be better for solo or front of group performing.

The groups of dancers were certainly showing why they were here. The simple steps were picked up and performed easily, as expected, but moving into the more difficult ones the majority could still keep up and replicate fairly close to perfectly. In fact, Ryan felt close to intimidated by the level of talent in the room. Somehow, above all of this, he’d been given the role of teaching and instructing them. At least when he was given that job with The Obsolete members, his skills stood out and he felt like he had the right to tell them how to dance. This was like being back on Dancers and Dreamers except instead of one talented dancer listening to his direction, there was a stage full.

The men are excused from the stage so the women can get a basic run through of choreography. Many of them men choose to watch, making their way into the auditorium and chatting among themselves. Swallowing his normal social anxiety, Ryan decides to take this as an opportunity to learn their names and their music theatre background. It becomes very apparent however, that they are not at all interested in him.

He reminds himself this was his first day. Their first introduction to him and that a lot of these guys likely knew each other through dancing networks so he was on the outer of the group. He didn’t have to become perfectly acquainted today. He’d have plenty of time to find people with common interests that he could talk to. His last first day had been with The Obsolete. That was awkward as hell too, and yet he’d survived and been accepted and made meaningful relationships with all the members. His first day had been an anxiety fueled nightmare but at least people had spoken to him. Jasper had been bouncing between flirting and sarcastic insults but he’d spoken to him and that was something.

“Babe, this is theatre. When we say ‘break a leg’, we mean it. You’re not going to make friends.”

Ryan turns around to see the young man sitting behind him.

“And you are?”

The guy scoffs and crosses his arms, looking past Ryan at the group of dancers on stage, no intention of introducing himself. Ryan turns around again and keeps watching the women perform the simple dance routine they were being instructed through. The rude stranger behind him was right, he wasn’t here to make friends.

After the routine on stage finishes, the choreographer turns around to the auditorium.

“Ok, we’re going to take a break then come back in some smaller groups. Our assistant choreographer, Ryan Kurtis, up there in the audience today, has been watching for those who stand out most for potential solo roles. Would you join me on stage now Ryan?” she demands in her instructor voice that has Ryan following orders much like the intimidated dancers.

Ryan stands and glances behind himself at the regretful surprised expression on the face of the young man who no doubt now wished he’d been more polite and given Ryan a name to put forward for a solo.

*** 

Jasper doesn’t even hear Jasmyn cry. He just wakes some hours later feeling extremely confused and groggy as he makes his way downstairs and finds Jules feeding her a bottle.

“Feel better?” Jules asks.

“Mhm,” Jasper replies, going into the kitchen to make himself a drink. “Do you want a tea or a coffee Jules?” he calls out, his manners kicking in as he smells the comfort from his own mug when boiled water hits the teabag.

“No, thank you sweetheart.” Jules answers and Jasper is guiltily relieved that it seemed she wouldn’t be staying for long. Especially when he looks at the time and realises he’s slept four solid hours of his day away and it’d only be a few more hours before Ryan got home. The list of things he’d wanted to get done was still in his head but the time was getting away from him.

“How’s she been?” Jasper asks as he sits on the coffee table before Jules and Jazzy.

“Just beautiful.” Jules smiles. “We’ve been watching her dad’s wedding inspired music video.”

“Oh, I completely forgot that was dropping.” Jasper fishes his phone out and checks his Youtube Analytics to see how many views it’d reached already. There was almost three times as many comments as there were views, which is a good sign that he should avoid reading them.

“Jasmyn loves it.” Jules says, as if she’s reading Jasper’s mind.

“Well.” Jasper shoves his phone back in his pocket. “That’s all that matters, isn’t it.” Jasper reaches his hands out for Jules to pass him his baby. “Where’s my cuddles? Huh? You’re down here snuggling up to nana. What about me?” he asks in the baby voice he swore to himself he’d never speak in.

“If you need a cuddle, you just have to ask.” Jules gets up and puts an arm around Jasper, with a laugh.

“Ah, hugs from Nana.”

“Is there anything else you need me to do?” Jules asks.

“No, thank you. Cuddling the baby is the most important job.”

“Well that just happens to be my favourite job, so I’m in luck there. Give me a call if you need anything at all, alright.” Jules orders before giving him a kiss on the cheek and collecting her bag.

Finally, with a wave, Jasper is home alone again.

“Right. What are we going to do? Looks like Nana took over the entire house so the jobs are all done. Am I meant to just sit here and hold you now? Because I think I’m just going to sit here and hold you. Let’s send daddy a photo so he knows we’re surviving without him.”

Jasper takes his phone out for the photo but when he opens it it’s still on his analytics page, reminding him of the unread collection of comments. He ignores it, but finds himself instead, trawling his twitter mentions where he’d been tagged a couple of thousand times. His fans were going wild with support and love to see their favourite couple had tied the knot. Haters, on the other hand, were savagely criticising the realism of the whole relationship. The words ‘coincidence’, ‘scandal’ and ‘using’ were used in almost every one of his hate comments. The longer he scrolled the more it started to genuinely bother him in a way he used to be able to shrug off.

This was the announcement of their marriage. It’d been a rough tour and they’d gone through a lot, but he’d married Ryan for nothing less than love. To be so aggressively questioned on it was so hurtful it brought him to tears. He was aware that most of the life he portrayed to the world was fake or exaggerated, but the way he felt about Ryan was the most consistently real thing he had. He knew he had trouble separating the stage from the rest of his life and sometimes Ryan was put through dealing with a confused hybrid of his true self and the persona he projected to the world, but he never felt fake with Ryan. It wasn’t fake when he kissed him years ago and felt every sensation in his body ignite and it wasn’t fake that he still to this day, felt like he was most free when Ryan’s arms surrounded him. There was nothing fake about the emotion in the gentle kisses they had shared this morning in the shower while they irresponsibly ignored their crying newborn, after their first night at home as a family not just a couple.

People could question his motives all they liked, but to question his emotions and love was insulting.

Also insulting was the constant tags asking for him to respond to the article about the sex scandal, as if that was something he owed anyone. Regardless of the timing of his music video and the social media silence, it was no one’s business what or who he’d made mistakes with years ago.

As he reads the comments calling for him to make a statement, he can just about hear Ryan telling him to just ignore them.

Jasmyn wriggles and Jasper looks down at her to find she is awake, eyes open and staring at him like she’s recognising his face.

“That was a dangerously short power nap, madam.” Jasper throws his phone aside so he can lift her up and look deep into her beautiful eyes. “Now what are we going to...” Jasper’s words are cut off by a knock on the door. “More visitors. Hooray,” he sighs as he goes over to the door.

“Hello~ I’m just checking in and seeing if you need anything?” Beth offers with a grin, though her eyes are quickly focused on the baby in Jasper’s arms.

“Thank you for thinking of us, but we’re ok.” Jasper replies, he didn’t particularly want more company.

“Ok. Well please text me when it’s good for me to come around again. Every single part of me wants to bombard you but I know you guys need space.” Beth steps forward and gives Jasper a quick hug, then pecks Jasmyn’s cheek.

“Thanks, beautiful.” Jasper sighs and leans against the door frame, frowning at the car parked on the street. “Is that Brayden?”

“Yes, we’re going to play paintball.” Beth answers, glancing over her shoulder at him.

“You’re going paintballing?”

Beth can’t help but giggle at the absurdity, herself. “I know! He got me this pack of date cards with random suggestions on them and we’re doing that. It’s his way of breaking me out of my comfort zone. I’m trying to just go with it and live in the moment.”

“Not fair. How is it you’re out playing paintball and I’m here living the stay-at-home dad life?” Jasper asks in a joking tone. Beth laughs and shrugs in response. “He does know he doesn’t have to wait in the car, right? He can come up and say hi.”

“He’s very uncomfortable around you. Anyway, I should get going. Love you.” Beth gives him another hug.

“Love you too, Aunty Beth. Have fun at paintball. Make sure you win.” Jasper winks. Beth gives a wave and heads down the footpath and to the car, just as another familiar car turns up. Flynn gets out with a cooler bag and waves to Beth as she leaves.

“Finally, someone here bringing me drinks.” Jasper jokes as Flynn gets to the door.

“Yeah, not quite.” Flynn unzips the bag to show dozens of full breastmilk bags. “Grace’s been pumping like crazy, she wanted me to offer it to you but she also understands if you’d rather not use it...”

“No, this is great. Jazzy’s been vomiting heaps on the formula. Come in. How is Grace?” Jasper steps out of the doorway and follows Flynn through to the kitchen.

“Yeah.” Flynn sighs. “She’s not ready to be a part of things but she’ll get there. Just, don’t push her. Part of her is worried if she meets the baby before the ‘cooling off period’ is over, she’ll revoke her adoption and ruin your life and she doesn’t want that.”

“I don’t want that.” Jasper agrees.

“So, for now she’s keeping her distance. Hasn’t even brought herself to look at a single photo. It’s just a bit too much to expect more from her at this stage. She’s putting all of her energy into raising our gremlins which is good at least.” Flynn finishing stashing the milk away then turns back to Jasper and Jasmyn. “I’m sorry by the way, about not being the most supportive of the whole thing. It was just hard to take a backseat in my marriage and family while she was so focused on yours. And I haven’t said this out loud so this is the first time I’m really admitting this to myself, but the sibling thing... Grace just giving her body without question, doubt or even a second thought, for you and Ryan to have a family. That gesture of family devotion was kinda hard to deal with because it reminded me that I don’t have that anymore. I wasn’t jealous that your husband was having a baby with my wife. I was jealous that Grace was not only watching her brother have a family and becoming an aunt and all that, but she was helping you achieve that. I like to think if Blake ever had any trouble becoming a dad I would have wanted to help too. I would have loved to see that, you know. Be an uncle to his little emo spawns.”

“I text him.” Jasper sighs. “His old phone number, I text him all the updates on my life, all the arguments with Ry. Random times when I think of him. That’s my demented way of pretending he’s still a part of things.”

There’s a silence, not uncomfortable but just full of their own thoughts about what they were living without.

“Would you drive with me?” Jasper asks.

“Sure, where do you need to go. I’ve got car seats so...”

“No, I mean, just drive with me. I know how to drive. I drove to the hospital when Jazzy was born, but I’m not really confident to do it alone just yet. And after she has her needles, I’m going to leave this house. It’s been one day. Ryan’s been gone for not even seven hours and I’m already going insane. I’m actually annoyed that Ryan’s mum did all the housework because I’ve been bored all afternoon.”

“Oh no, someone cleaned your house for you. How awful.” Flynn says sarcastically.

“She folded my underwear.”

“Who folds underwear?”

Jasper gives a dramatic shrug. “Right? Anyway, will you supervise my driving?”

“I didn’t even know you had your license.”

“Yeah, I just prefer not to. My dad was a nightmare driving teacher. I was going to ask Leo but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know how to drive, he just does it by instinct. I just want someone to reassure me I’m doing things right until I feel ready to trust myself. Especially now that I’ve got precious cargo to transport around with me.” Jasper states. Flynn looks at Jasper with consideration. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you...”

Flynn sighs and checks his watch. “Nah, it’s cool. Can we re-visit this chat another time? I told Grace I wouldn’t be long and I don’t want to rush talking about this.”

“Sure. We’ll catch up soon though, right?”

“Yeah, dude. Just a bit of a busy time for all of us, you know?” Flynn walks over and gives him a brief one-handed hug before turning and heading back out of the house. “Let me know how that milk goes. I’ll probably be around again in a couple of days with more if you think it’s helping.”

“Bye.” Jasper calls after him, giving a sigh as he notices Jazzy is back asleep. “Fuck I’m bored.”

*** 

“So, how do you feel about your first day?” It was the ‘we’re not here to make friends’ guy, not at all surprising Ryan with his backflip on that opinion. From the moment everyone was told that Ryan had some say in where they would be placed for the show, everyone had suddenly wanted to introduce themselves and get as much of his attention as possible. Ryan had to admit, he was pretty pleased with the onslaught of attention.

Ryan keeps his replies short, realising the power the lead choreographer had over the group came from her absolute lack of interest in them or their lives. They were bodies that either moved adequately or disappointed her. The less she cared about them, the more they craved her approval. Ryan was determined to gain that kind of fearful respect from the dancers too.

“It must be nice being a part of things for once, not just used as a prop for attention.”

“I realise everyone has a lot to say about my marriage, but that’s completely unfair...” Ryan snaps.

“Oh, I was talking about your old band, not you husband. But I’m sorry you feel that way.” There’s an uncomfortable pause between them while Ryan wishes he could take back that whole sentence. “I really didn’t mean to offend. I hope he’s ok. Those tweets were intense.”

Ryan frowns and takes out his phone. “What tweets?” he asks as he opens his twitter to find his mentions are through the roof. Thousands of tags in the same screenshot taken from Jasper’s account only 20 minutes ago judging by the time in the photos.

🎵Jasper.Reid.Official🎤

(1) Since everyone wants me to comment on the article, fine. Here you go. Remember how I was being dragged through the mud for having the audacity to go ‘off the rails’ because I became alcohol dependent during the depression and shock after my best friend died? Well, this piece of shit was one of those mistakes and no, I was not cheating on Ryan. He and I weren’t together because I was actively trying to ruin all the good things in my life at that time.

(2) I was already drunk when I met him. He listened to me ramble fuck knows what, about how I was feeling and then he offered that I could go back to his place where we could talk more comfortably. I was hesitant until he offered me drugs because that’s where I was at and I’m not sorry that I wanted to get high. If you’d been in my head at that time, you’d have wanted to do anything to get rid of the thoughts too.

(3) So, yes. I knowingly went home with a guy that I didn’t know, when I was drunk as hell and under the promise of drugs. Should I have known he was just taking advantage of me? Obviously. Did I give a shit about anything at that time? Hahaha fuck, no.

(4) He gave me a drug. I took it without questioning it and turns out that opportunistic ‘nice guy’ had given me something to get me hard, not high. At this point I still didn’t care what was happening because I didn’t feel alive enough to care. But his claims that I lacked enthusiasm are probably because I didn’t want to do it in the first place. Sorry I wasn’t into it and I’m sorry that hurt your feelings enough to come and attack me for it when I’m finally starting to move on and allow myself happiness.

(5) This whole article is so fucking gross to read and screams of entitlement. Just because you listened to me for 5 minutes didn’t mean you deserved to fuck me and the fact you slipped me Viagra instead of even trying to come onto me in the first place, shows that you knew you had no fucking chance unless you manipulated me into it. Enjoy the spotlight now, you absolute waste of a boner. You deserve it.

Ryan’s heart sinks and his entire soul feels like it’s leaving his body as he reads through the tweets, understanding the full story for the first time.

“Shit.”

*** 

It was a hell of a sight to come home to. International star, standing by the stove, cooking and dancing. Baby strapped to his chest in a carrier. He’s so distracted by his singing that he doesn’t notice Ryan standing back watching and recording him on his phone. He’d spent all day being ignored by dancers, but this one he could happily watch all day and is more than a little disappointed when Jasper turns around and spots him.

“You’re home early!” Jasper grins. “Daddy’s home Jazzy! Do you want a cuddle?”

Ryan sighs and crosses his arms; a pitying look in his eyes “I leave you alone for one day and you get mixed up in a new scandal.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I deleted the tweets but there’s screenshots being sent around like crazy...”

“Why are you apologising?”

“You seem upset?” Jasper shrugs.

“Of course, I’m upset. The whole world knows that not only did you have sex with that other guy, but that he manipulated you into it! And I found out about it via Twitter. That’s the only part of this that I’m upset about with you. Not to make what you went through, about me but, do you have any idea what it feels like to find out something like this through screenshots of tweets your husband made? Why didn't you tell me?” Ryan walks over to Jasper and holding his hands.

“Because admitting it makes me feel sick. This was entirely my fault and I knew that before I even went home with him. It’s mortifying to admit I was stupid enough to let it happen.”

“You weren’t in the right state of mind. You could argue you weren’t even able to give consent and...”

“I don’t need to argue anything. He made his statement and I’ve made mine. Case closed.” Jasper shrugs.

“Case blown wide open, actually. You know this isn’t going to go away, right? You’ve made a heavy lot of accusations, publicly. If he's stupid enough he might try to fight the accusation and take you to court. Regardless, the media is going to accuse you of making it up because they just love giving you the benefit of the doubt on things.” Ryan rolls his eyes.

Jasper looks at Ryan like he’d not even considered that consequence, then he gives a sigh. “God, I hate everyone. The media can suck it. I’m officially done giving a shit what is said about me. They can sprout their crap about me being a corrupt, abusive, alcoholic, liar that uses you to deflect from my problems, all they like. I do not care. You know what, I struggled with the concept of stepping down from the music and just being a parent today, but maybe isolating myself in this role is exactly what I need. Meanwhile, I’ll let my haters pay the mortgage with their views.”

“I’m going to need you to teach me how to not care about things. It turns out the Broadway cliques are pretty intense and I do not at all fit in.”

“Were they rude to you?”

“More just pretended I didn’t exist until they found out that I was actually calling the shots on who got to be front row or given solos. I have no idea how I’m going to tell these incredibly passionate and talented performers that someone else was slightly better than them.”

“They really just picked the least judgemental and confrontational person they could and said 'make him tell people that have spent their lives practicing for these parts, they aren't good enough'." Jasper laughs at the thought of Ryan having to establish authority in a group of strangers. "I guess it’s different from being in the band. You became one of us. This time you’re in charge, you’re not there to make friends.”

“That’s exactly what one of the guys said when I was trying to introduce myself.”

At the mention of another guy, Jasper feels a twinge of insecurity. “Are any of them hot?”

Ryan dashes it in one sentence. “None of them were dancing around my kitchen with my baby so, no.”

“That’s an unfortunate standard for anyone else to live up to.” Jasper says, turning his head for a soft kiss.

“I need to take a shower. I’m all sweaty. Do you want me to put Jazzy to bed while I’m upstairs? Let you finish off dinner in peace?” Ryan offers, pecking Jasper’s lips.

“I missed you today.” Jasper breathes when Ryan’s lips leave his much sooner than he hoped. “I hope I didn’t ruin your first day.”

“The only thing you ruined was that guy’s reputation. I am proud of you for standing up for yourself, though I agree that it might be a good idea for you to lay low for a while. There’s just too much going around about you right now. You do not need to give the media any more reasons to use your name right now. And you really need to try not to pay any attention to what is being said. We aren’t knew to this. We know they are going to be making inflammatory statements and taking things out of context. There is just no point in putting yourself through the stress of seeing how badly they can represent their version of the story.”