The Next Stage - 27. In The Spotlight

Reading the never-ending stream of loving and excited comments on his twitter post, finally announcing to the world that they were parent, was so uplifting Jasper could almost forget his life was once again just fucking miserable. Ryan wouldn't so much as look at him, let alone speak, unless it was absolutely necessary, and it'd been like this for almost a week already. Every day Jasper woke up hoping that things would change. That they would talk it over and just move past this. But he'd been waking up to an empty bed with Ryan out at the gym for hours every morning. Ryan would get home, take a shower and spend some time with Jazzy, then say goodbye again and head off to work.

Jasper was taking his extra medications just to keep himself from losing it but even that wouldn't be maintainable because he wasn't meant to take the second medication for more than three days in a row and he was on day 6, building a resistance to its effects already. It wasn't keeping the panic attacks at bay. The only thing doing that was focusing all his energy on Jasmyn. Any time she cried and he couldn't settle her, the unwelcome thought of leaving the family, because they were better off without him, started to corrupt his head. He knew realistically that Jasmyn wouldn't be better off now. She had bonded so strongly with him all these months that Ryan still struggled to care for her on his own.

Maybe that was part of the reason Ryan was still so upset. Now he knew she was his daughter, and it hurt more to have her scream whenever he tried to hold her, yet if he passed her to Jasper, she'd settle quickly. For Jasmyn’s sake, they kept things civil at least. They spoke with gentle and affectionate tones whenever she was around so she wouldn’t pick up on the tension. They still helped each other out whenever they needed.

The moment Ryan got home each night, he’d take Jasmyn so Jasper could study. Now that Jasmyn was learning to eat food, they would sit at the table together for meals. Conversations were shallow and light. If she was in bed, Ryan just switched all of it off and acted like Jasper wasn't there. Jasper couldn’t take the tension, but Ryan wasn’t giving him the time of day to talk things over. Every conversation started with some variation of Jasper saying; “I’m sorry”, “I know I upset you”, “Just look at me, please.”

And was cut off by Ryan continually saying, “I don’t want to talk about it.” or “can we not do this now?”

Jasper felt as though their time to fix whatever he’d broken was running out, and it seemed like Ryan was trying to just let it. Opening night for Chicago was a few days away, then Jasper would be heading overseas to be on-site for his building project, finally beginning. He’d decided he’d be there for it after the misuse of his funds last time and Leo agreed to keep him company. This, of course, led to even more tension, as Ryan originally said he wasn’t comfortable with them going on this trip together and the moment Jasper questioned why, Ryan stung him with, “you know what? There's no point even telling you. Just do whatever you want and don’t bother considering how it makes me feel.”

“Sounds like he’s jealous. Or worried because he knows we'd make a good couple.” Leo says with a wink when Jasper is filling him in.

Jasper sighs. "We really wouldn't. Friends with benefits, maybe. But we both suck at relationships so it'd never work."

"That's why you get a third, fourth, fifth..."

"I can't even keep one man happy. Honestly. I don't know how you poly people maintain multiple relationships at once."

"You know why you can't keep one man happy?"

"I'm sure you're the expert."

"Because you're both relying solely on each other to fulfill all your needs. When you have multiple partners, you have multiple people meeting those needs."

"Good point. I could be letting down multiple partners at once." Jasper rolls his eyes.

Leo shrugs, completely uninterested in their conflict. “Tell him you hired me to be your PA for the trip. I behave myself when I'm working.”

“We have a joint bank account, Leo. He knows I can’t afford to pay you. Our finances are completely fucked at the moment between my orphanage and his asbestos filled, electrically faulty nightmare hotel and the fact neither of us are currently holding down a career I’m lucky I can even afford the flights over.” Jasper sighs. "Besides, I don't think he wants us together. Don't take it personally..."

"I do take that personally. That pisses me off. I've always respected your relationship."

A smile tugs at the corner of Jasper's lips as he raises an eyebrow skeptically. "Always?"

"I offered. You said that's not the relationship you have and I've not tried to overstep that boundary any of the many, many opportunities I've had over the years. Clearly I have the self-control. I know he thinks I fuck everything with a heartbeat..." Leo is off on a rant that Jasper feels guilty for ignoring, but frankly, couldn't care less about. He'd heard it enough and felt bad for Leo that he had to continually justify and explain his sexuality, but wished it wasn't him who had to listen to the explanation every single time someone mistook being pan-poly and a sex-addict for just wanting to 'fuck everything with a heartbeat'. They weren't entirely wrong, but Jasper understood that they weren't right, either. There was no way he couldn't understand it after hearing Leo's daily reminders of his struggle for affirmation.

"It's not you he doesn't trust," Jasper cuts him off.

Leo stops mid-speech, eyeing Jasper with a frown. "You ordered a paternity test on a kid that's implantation date didn't match up right with your insemination date." Leo had listened to his own share of rants from Jasper the last few days, so at least they were mutually boring each other with repetition. "It's not like he came home to find you having an orgy. Why doesn't he trust you?"

Jasper shrugs. "It's just the principal, I guess. I broke his trust over one thing that turned out not to be bad, so now he's trying to find reasons not to trust me that would justify the hurt he's feeling."

"That's not fair."

"No. But... At this point, honestly, I think he'd be relieved if I did something unforgivable, so he has a reason to list on the divorce paper. Ordering a paternity test that proves our baby is biologically his would make him seem like the dick."

"You really think he wants a divorce?"

"Well, it doesn't really seem like he wants to be married to me right now. He's doing everything to avoid me. I got to bed alone because he's 'at work'. I wake up alone because he's at the 'gym'."

“Ryan’s really not working as a choreographer anymore, huh?”

“Not unless he got himself a secret bank account for that income. That’s the other thing. He talks to me like I set out to ruin our family. Like I’ve been keeping secrets from him. Yet he’s the one who lost his job months ago and said nothing to me, has continued going out the equivalent of a workday and coming home exhausted. Calling me babe out of nowhere. In 5 years together he never called me ‘babe’ but now that’s part of his regular speech pattern and it comes out so naturally...”

“Are you saying you think he is cheating?”

Jasper sighs. “You know when your life has problems you can live with, and the alternative is ripping your entire heart out and stomping on it until it stops? If Ryan is cheating, I don’t want to know. If he and I get through this and we go on making each other happy and I don’t know when he’s out at work or out fucking around, I can live with that. But if I found out, I’d never be able to come back from that.”

“Maybe that’s how he feels about the letter.” Leo suggests. "He could live without knowing, but knowing would have destroyed him."

“Why do you think I didn’t open it even when I had it in my hands months ago? Still. What’s done is done, and he is Jasmyn’s biological dad. I understand him being upset that I did it, but the fact he’s so mad at me when it was the best possible outcome really just fucks with my head. I feel like I would have been relieved.”

“Sounds to me like he just needs to get over it. Do you want a drink or anything?” Leo offers, then turns back around to him quickly. “Sorry. I keep forgetting.”

“I should go. I’m sure you’ve got better things to do than listen to my marital problems.” Jasper sighs, getting down from Leo’s kitchen bench. Leo puts his arms around him in a warm embrace.

“Need me to cheer you up with my dating problems?"

"Yes, please."

"Well. I've slept with 3 of my exes this month and still ended up drunk dialling him and accusing him of treating me like a glorified prostitute and letting me develop feelings for him. Please tell me I'm pathetic."

"Doesn't sound like you need me to feed your humiliation fetish. You're doing a good enough job on your own."

"The only thing worse than having to jerk off is having to tell yourself how depressing you look while you're doing it."

Jasper laughs somewhat deliriously. "I'm on the verge of a marriage breakdown and you're actually making me feel sorry for you."

"You're welcome." Leo lets go of him and steps back. "Let me know if Ryan gets over himself and lets me go with you on your trip."

***

Jasper gets home to find Ryan upstairs in Jasmyn’s room, sitting in the rocking chair and cuddling her while she sleeps. Ryan glances in his direction, then looks away again. No interest in asking where he's been.

“How’s she been?” Jasper asks, leaning against the door.

"Fine.” Ryan answers, gazing down on her gentle, sleeping face with love in his eyes.

“Ry. I’ve said sorry. How long are you going to be angry at me about this?”

“However long it takes for it to stop hurting.”

“Aren’t you at least a little relieved that we know now? That she’s for sure our daughter. Come on. You can’t act like it wouldn’t have been destroying you inside, not knowing. I know it was a shitty thing to do, but Ry...”

Ryan shakes his head and gets up to leave the room.

“Where are you going?”

“You are frustrating me. I’m trying to stay calm so that she doesn’t feel my frustration. But if you are not going to stop talking about this right now, when I am holding her, trying to enjoy myself...”

“I’m sorry. But you’ve been avoiding me all week and every time I try to talk to you, you make it impossible or have excuses.”

“Oh, I’m the one with excuses, am I?”

“What excuses have I given, Ry? I owned it. I told you my reason. I apologized for my mistake.”

“You didn’t make a mistake. You made a choice. A choice that could have ruined the family.” Ryan answers, struggling to contain his anger as he rocks on the spot to keep Jasmyn soothed.

“I understand your perspective of this. Ok? But you can't accuse me of trying to ruin our family? I know even you don’t think that’s what I set out to do.”

“I know that’s not what you set out to do, but the fact of the matter is that’s a risk you chose to take. And I don’t think you do really understand my perspective. If you had any idea you never would have done this.”

“Then help me understand.”

Ryan gives a resigned sigh. “Do you remember the moment when Grace was in labor and both you and Flynn convinced me to watch the birth? I looked, then I came back and I held your hand so tight.” His voice wavers with emotion and he cuddles his sleeping daughter closer.

Jasper smiles at the memory. "Of course I do."

“You’re smiling because that was a happy moment. Right?” Ryan asks. “But for me, I didn’t know they were born that colour. She was pale blue, and I thought...” Ryan closes his eyes, drawing in a slow breath. “I thought we lost her at the last moment and all I could do was hold on to your hand. I thought we weren’t going to leave as parents, but I knew no matter what, we would leave that hospital holding each other together.”

Jasper has tears in his eyes as he hears Ryan’s heartbreaking confession. “Ry... I am so sorry you went through that, even for a moment.”

“Then she cried, and I forgot that pain. I forgot that fear. Until I saw that letter. If I opened that letter and she was not mine, I would never have forgiven you. If you made the decision to get a paternity test that ended in my daughter being taken away from me. I would never, ever be able to forgive you for that, Jasper. That’s why even though she’s mine, it hurts. Because I have to live with guilt that if that fucking letter had said I was not her dad; I would have resented you for the rest of my life. And you risked that. You justified it. To my face. It’s not just her you risked losing. You risked us.”

Jasper stares at him in shock. The words dig into him like a knife. “Ry. You’re making this into something it’s not.”

“You don’t get to tell me how hurt I’m allowed to be by your actions, Jasper. I know it’s not what you set out to do, okay? Doesn’t make it hurt any less. The letter didn't hurt me. You did by going behind my back and then keeping it from me, and I did when I realised I have the capacity to hate the person I love more than anything, as deeply as I hated you in that moment. That guilt is fucking agonising to live with. I would do anything to make sure you would never feel the way you made me feel. There’s only so many times I can forgive that you have a good intention of something. This I don’t know. It was too far. You took things too far, and you risked too much. I don’t know what to do right now because this is what you do. You’d rather be right, then be happy. That’s why you really took that guy to court, even though I begged you not to. That’s why you don’t care how awfully you are painted in the media. It’s not because you’re above reproach, it’s because you fucking love it. You don’t let the media’s representations of you go because you don’t care. You let it happen because you’re addicted to the hate and you don’t know where to draw the line. I can’t live like this and I won’t let Jasmyn spend her life going through it either. I will not let you take us down with you. Now please, let me just enjoy holding my daughter.” Ryan pleads.

With tears in his eyes, Jasper walks away, needing time to process Ryan's words. Finally, he could understand why Ryan wasn’t just letting this go.

 ***

Only half an hour later, Ryan lies down next to Jasper, ignoring that Jasper is sniffling to hide his tears. The nights had already been breaking Jasper, but sharing a bed tonight felt like a punishment. Every other night, he’d laid down with hope that they might be able to talk, or show some kind of affection. Every night, it hurt that Ryan didn't come to bed. But tonight, lying here knowing Ryan was right there, but with no hope at all, was so much worse.

To his surprise, though, it’s only moments before Ryan is speaking again, but this time it’s not with the tone of resentment he had every other time they’d been alone.

“I’ve got tickets for opening night and it’d look terrible for me if you weren’t there.” He states, not at all sounding actually inviting. “You don’t have to come. We could say we didn’t have a babysitter, now that the world knows we’re parents.”

“Of course, I’ll go.” Jasper answers. He knew it’d be an awkward night pretending they were fine when they clearly weren’t, but he also knew he’d always show up and hide the pain rather than force Ryan to face a situation alone and unsupported. It was about keeping up appearances, and if there was anything Jasper was good at, it was pretending to be fine in front of a camera.

Even if it sucked, they had to because the alternative was letting the media get the hint that something was wrong and making the problem a thousand times harder for them to work through. But placating the media was like putting a painting over a crack in the wall. It was only to stop them from seeing the cracks that hadn’t been fixed yet. The more important reason to show up wasn’t just to look good. It was to prove that he was there for Ryan, no matter what.

Ryan sighs, and the pause before he speaks again is almost suffocating. "How long are you going to be away for?"

"I don't know. A few months. I need to be there to see it is all well and truly underway, then I'll just check in on the progress until it's actually done. It's going to take ages to complete..."

"I think it's best if we treat that time as a break for us. Take the pressure off working things out and just work ourselves out instead."

“You’re just saying that to hurt me.” Jasper replies, not wanting to cry again but feeling as though he couldn't cope with one more hint that Ryan had given up on them.

Ryan’s silence it a torturous response and within only a few minutes, Jasper grabs his pillow and his blanket, leaving the room. Cocooned in his weighted blanket on the couch, he breaks down. Guilt trying to flush itself from his body through a cascade of tears. It's not until he feels the weight around him become tighter that he realises how hard he's actually been crying. The sound of his heaved exhale to shaky inhale of each breath echoed through the silent house, bringing Ryan down. Jasper sobs the words, "I'm sorry I ruined us," over and over between every breath, while Ryan rubs his back and holds him in a strong hug. Jasper remembers Ryan asking something about his medications, but the rest of the attack passes in a blur and he finds himself coming out of it while lying on his side of the bed, still wrapped in the weighted blanket but also wrapped in Ryan's arms. In his numb post panic attack state, Jasper tries to get up to leave again.

"Where are you going?" Ryan mumbles, pulling him back. "No matter what is going on, you don't mean that little to me that I'll just sit by while you're struggling."

"I don't want you to feel sorry for me. You're mad at me, but you're being nice and I feel like I've manipulated you into being nice."

"You're too impulsive to ever be manipulative. Leave if you want to, but don't do it because you think it's what I want."

"Can you just tell me what you want? Even if it breaks me. I need to know, Ry."

Ryan gives a sigh. "I don't even know anymore. I'm just handling things as they come. Right now, I want to hold you and I want to imagine us being ok."

*** 

Opening night crawls around at the pace so slow it felt like the release from tension would never come. Jasper had himself packed for his trip overseas and had actually been looking forward to the claustrophobia of the flight and the shitty hotel he'd call his home for however long he ended up being there. He couldn't think about how long it'd be before he kissed his daughter goodnight and felt her little hands patting his back as he pats hers to comfort her. But things ha been so strained between him and Ryan that he was looking forward to being away from it all. There hadn't been any more talk of them 'taking a break'. Jasper far from wanted to accept it but he also couldn't shake the feeling that the damage was done and if that was the case, Ryan didn't deserve to be stuck at home waiting for Jasper to come back for long enough to get through all the legalities around a divorce. Besides, the more he looked into all that stuff, the more he hoped they could at least amicably separate if this really was the end. In his heart, he still held a minute amount of hope that this distance would have the opposite effect. That Ryan would miss him and realise their marriage was worth saving. He expected heartbreak, but he hoped they could find their way back to each other.

The hug Ryan gives Beth and the kiss on the cheek as he calls her beautiful and asks how she is all sparks Jasper’s own feelings of unworthiness. They themselves had gotten dressed in formal theatre attire and, as much as a compliment, couldn’t fix their problems Jasper had told Ryan he looked great and gotten nothing but a fake smile in response. Beth and Ryan talk excitedly about the show, while Jasper takes his time cuddling Jasmyn, wishing he could bottle her hugs and her love.

"We better go, babe." Ryan nods his head towards the door, thanking Beth for offering to babysit. As predicted, Jasmyn loses it when Jasper passes her over. Ryan reaches a hand out and Jasper takes it. "She'll be fine." Ryan gives his hand a squeeze and leads Jasper out the door.

In the car on the way to the venue, they didn't speak, but the moment they get out and step into the lights on the carpet to premier the show, they were nothing but charming smiles. Holding hands as they walk in together and posing with their arms around each other for a photo at the entrance. Ryan’s fake affection towards him wasn’t what he missed. It was the camera flashes and the excitement of putting on an ‘everything is fine’ smile. Somehow, the adrenaline of having things fall apart around him while he sold perfection to a crowd was the thing he was enjoying most tonight, and he hated himself for that. Thinking maybe Ryan was right. Maybe he didn’t know how to let himself be happy because he was comfortable in misery, and he genuinely liked the feeling of misleading the media.

As he’s led to his seat, it’s all he can think about. He missed the drama. He needed the drama. Not in his marriage, but in his life. Without it, he didn’t feel like himself. Just this boring existence where he is loved unconditionally and he can take all his freedom for granted. He wanted and needed more than that. Ryan was right about him in the worst possible way. By telling him to let things go and refuse interviews and to not get into drama, Ryan was asking him to give up a feeling that drove Jasper. That inspired him and excited him.

Jasper wanted to spend his life with Ryan, and he wanted to give him the marriage he deserved, but he would never be happy enough in it himself if he wasn’t getting this fix of attention. The good and the bad. And maybe if his career was back in the spotlight, he’d not feel the need to self-destruct in his own life. Nothing exhilarated him, like knowing he was making headlines.

But he just needed Ryan to be able to love him despite that. To be by his side and accept it. After all, that is the person Ryan knowingly married. An attention hungry spotlight addict with a life surrounded by petty drama. Ryan knew that from the moment they met and somehow he was surprised or expected change now? Jasper had never expected Ryan to change.

Jasper takes his seat in the second row, back from the stage. The seat beside him had been reserved for Ryan, who had gone backstage to give the dancers a pep talk before their first show. As the orchestra in the pit starts warming up their instruments for the opening number and the lights go down, the seat remains empty. Jasper swallows down the feeling that Ryan isn’t going to sit with him. Then someone shifts past him and joins him in the row.

“Leo? What are you doing here?” Jasper asks, surprised.

“Ryan texted me and said he had a spare ticket. I've always wanted to attend an opening night, but these things sell out so fast,” Leo whispers back.

Jasper bites his lip. "His ticket."

"What?"

"He gave you his ticket. He's meant to be sitting here." Disappointment sweeps over every feature of his face as he comprehends this. "He's leaving me Leo. It's really over. I can't believe this. I can't believe I hurt him so badly that he would do this to me." Jasper goes to stand, but Leo stops him.

"Where are you going? If you leave, I can't follow you."

"Why not?"

"Because if you're photographed leaving the show your husband is involved in, with me. The media will have a field day. Sit down. We'll get through this and deal with it after the show. There's probably another explanation, but if it is that serious... You don't have to go through another trauma publicly." Leo was right, but Jasper could feel himself nearing another breaking point. "Breathe." Leo whispers as he squeezes Jasper's hand.

Jasper does his best to control the bubbling stress. There’s the distinct sound of footsteps crossing the stage behind the curtains, then the opening music starts and the curtain slowly rises on the scene.

A single light comes on a pianist who introduces the lead actress. Around her are some tables and chairs, with men and women draped on the set waiting for their cue. As 'Velma' starts her performance of 'All That Jazz,' they move as though they are waking up around her. Dancers she passes during the song, get up and dance with her. Jasper’s attention is scattered between his thoughts and a desperate attempt to just watch and lose himself in this for a few hours. He forces his eyes to follow the spotlight but is paused when the spotlight briefly passes over a dancer wearing business attire. The bowtie hanging around his neck is undone, along with the first few buttons of the white shirt, his black pants held up by black suspenders. The visibility of the dancer had lasted all of a few seconds, and it'd taken his mind off everything. Almost certain his eyes are playing tricks on him, all he could think about now was seeing them again. He tries to follow their movement as they dance out of the immediate light, but he can't see them properly and isn't even sure he's watching the right dancer. Another spotlight comes on, focusing on the second lead actress on the other side of the stage, stealing Jasper's attention for enough time for him to realise he's completely lost the vague whereabouts of the familiar dancer.

Luckily, he gets his chance to see them again when 'Velma' plucks an unlit cigar from the mouth of a pretty blonde man, only to pop it in the mouth of the handsome man Jasper recognises instantly. 'Velma' stands then between the two men, their hands on her hips as they dance in a suggestive manor practically against her.

"Holy shit," Jasper breathes.

"Did you know he was in the show?"

"No. But I'm so fucking proud. That's my husband. My husband is on fucking Broadway."

Front centre stage and with his hands on the lead actress of the goddamn musical, Ryan is dancing in the spotlight!