Bleeding Hearts - 10. Chapter 10

How I ever got any sleep that night I’ll never know, but somehow, I did. I woke up to my alarm the next morning and wanted to chuck my phone out the window. Kane slept through the alarm, so I kept as quiet as I could as I got ready for school. I’d hoped to tell him goodbye in case his mom picked him up before I got home from school, but he didn’t stir, and I didn’t want to disturb him.

I might as well have stayed home for all the attention I paid to my classes that day. I was equally distracted with thoughts about what I was going to tell Asher when I got home and thinking about Kane. Kane had won me over in much the same way Seth had, but different at the same time. I’d been attracted to Seth, even if I hadn’t been able to admit it. I simply felt protective of Kane—for all the good that would do. He lived in Baltimore, and there was no way I could protect him from where I was. Hell, I couldn’t even protect myself.

As soon as school was over, I went directly to Adam’s house, or what I was starting to think of as home. There was a strange car in the driveway when I got there. I assumed it belonged to Kane’s mom and I was glad I’d at least get to say goodbye before he left.

I let myself in and listened. It was dead silent. Where was everybody? I went looking but stopped in my tracks in the living room doorway. The queen of the fairies was posed imperiously in the exact center of the sofa. The woman was surprisingly tiny. She couldn’t have been over five feet tall, nor weighed more than a hundred pounds soaking wet. She had short, spiky, fiery-red hair, and her skin was as white and translucent as alabaster, in sharp contrast with her blood-red lipstick. She looked as if she’d be quite at home with wings sprouting from her shoulders. The last thing I noticed was her piercing green eyes, the same color that both Seth and Kane had shared. She could have only been their mother.

She stared at me; her gaze so cold I fully expected to see my breath. I realized that, while her eyes may have been the same color as Seth’s and Kane’s, they held none of the warmth and compassion that was so evident in her sons.

“Who are you?” Her voice was just as brittle and cold as her gaze.

“I’m Killian. Are you Mrs. Connelly?”

“Ms. Douglas. I stopped being Mrs. Connelly years ago.”

“Oh, well. It’s nice to meet you. I’ll, um, go put this in my room,” I said, backing away.

“If you mean the room at the end of the hall, you might as well have a seat. Kane has locked himself in and refuses to come out. Adam has been talking to him for twenty minutes now. I’m getting ready to go find an axe and hack the damned door down.”

“Oh, um, maybe I can talk to him,” I said weakly. I spun around and ran upstairs, eager to escape her domineering presence. Sure enough, there was Adam sitting on the floor with his forehead against the door. He looked up when I appeared.

“Killian,” he said with considerable relief, “maybe you could...” He pointed helplessly at the door. “He won’t open it.”

I tapped lightly on the door.

“God, why can’t you all just leave me alone?” Kane’s anguished voice was muffled by the door. “I’m not coming out. You can’t make me.”

“Kane? It’s Killian. May I come in?”

There was no response for a while, so I called again, “Kane?”

“Okay,” he said finally, “but if I open the door, only you can come in. Nobody else.”

I looked at Adam, and he nodded.

“Deal.”

I heard the lock turn and watched as the door opened about an inch. I pushed it back far enough to slip through, then shut it again behind me. Kane threw himself dramatically across the bed face-down as soon as I was in the room. I went over and sat next to him, not saying anything at first.

Eventually, after he made no move to speak or even acknowledge my presence, I said, “Kane? What’s wrong? I mean, I know you don’t want to leave and all, but why are you locked in here like this?”

He mumbled something into the bed, but I couldn’t understand him. It sounded vaguely like “I ate one.”

“What?”

He rolled over and sighed heavily. “I hate Mom.”

“Oh.” I didn’t know what else to say.

Thankfully, Kane didn’t need any prompting now that he’d started. “She’s such a bitch. She burst in here and started screaming at Dad like any of this was his fault. She was calling him names, vile stuff, and saying dumb shit. She called him a pedo!” He sounded so deeply offended. “Then she told me to go get in the car. I said no, that I wanted to talk to her first. She said she didn’t care what I wanted, that I’d just better do what she said because I was in enough trouble already. That’s when I got mad. I told her I knew she’d been lying to me and keeping me away from Dad all these years. I told her that Seth was dead because of her and I didn’t want to live with her anymore. I said I hated her and I do. I’m just so...UGH!” He punched the bed. “It’s just so unfair.”

I felt so helpless. Why were parents so awful to their kids? If my dad and his mother got together, we’d have the parents from hell.

“I don’t know what to say. You’re right. It’s not fair. But your mom is also kind of right, too.”

Kane gave me a sharp look.

“I just mean, you’re just a kid. You don’t get much say in this. None of us do, not even your dad. She holds all the cards.”

“I just...” He took a shaky breath as his anger drained away, leaving sadness in its place. “I just want to see my dad.” He suddenly burst into tears, turning away from me quickly and burying his face in a pillow.

I lay down next to him and put my arm around him. After a minute, he rolled over and buried his face in my chest. I wrapped my arms around him and let him sob. He had so much pain bottled up inside him; he just needed to let it out.

He turned his head to the side, and managed to say, “When Seth died, do you know how she told me? She said he’d gotten what was coming to him, that he was probably in the park looking for sex or drugs. I wasn’t allowed to act upset around her. She’d say there’s no point feeling sad for someone who chose that life. She kept asking if that was how I wanted to end up.”

He started sobbing again, and I realized the poor kid hadn’t even been allowed to properly mourn the death of his brother.

After a while, his sobs turned to sniffles, and eventually even those died away. He sat up, wiping his face with his T-shirt. “I have to go with her, don’t I?”

I sat up as well. “Yeah, you do.”

“I’ll be back, somehow,” he vowed. “Can I call you?”

“Of course you can. Did you save my number in your phone?” He nodded. “Then you can call or text me any time. We can even Facetime if you really can’t go without seeing this cute face.”

He smiled weakly. “Thanks.”

Then, taking a deep breath, he stood and started for the door. I stood, too, and he paused with his hand on the knob, turned, walked back to me and threw his arms around my neck for a big hug.

“Thank you.”

“Like I said last night, there’s nothing to thank me for.”

He pulled away and wiped his face again, although there was no hiding the fact that he’d been crying. He threw his shoulders back, lifted his chin high, yanked open the door, and stopped dead in his tracks as a startled Adam stared up at him from the floor.

Adam scrambled to his feet. “Are you okay?” he asked, looking back and forth from Kane to me.

Kane shrugged. “No, but I know I have to go with the witch.”

Adam gave a little heartbroken sigh as his shoulders slumped. “I’m afraid so, champ.”

Kane grabbed him in a bear hug that Adam returned, matching him in intensity. They pulled apart, Adam slipped his hand into Kane’s, and they marched resolutely down the stairs. I trailed behind them much less impressively.

As soon as she saw Kane, Ms. Douglas stood up and swept past him to the front door. She stood on the porch and glared at Adam while he hugged Kane one more time. She threw a calculating look at me, as if measuring up a potential enemy, before spinning on her heel and stalking off to her car. I had to give her credit—she certainly knew how to make a dramatic exit.

“I love you, Dad,” Kane whispered.

“I love you too, Kane.” Adam sounded on the verge of tears.

There was entirely too much crying going on in that house.

Kane waved at me sadly and followed his mother to the car. Adam and I stood in the doorway until they were out of sight.

“Quite a piece of work, isn’t she?” Adam commented as he closed the door. There was a note of melancholy in his voice, but I sensed that he didn’t want to talk about it.

“I guess you could say that,” I replied. “Not how I would have described her?”

“How would you describe her?”

“A heinous bitch.”

He threw his head back and laughed. “You’re a good judge of character, Killian.”

He turned back into the house, and I closed the door and followed him into the den. I decided to do my homework downstairs while Adam worked at his laptop. I usually did my work in my room, but I felt he could use the company. He seemed to be okay, but I couldn’t help wondering if that was only an act. In effect, he’d just lost his son for the second time. If Ms. Douglas was as crazy and controlling as everyone said, who knew when he’d see Kane again?

I tried to concentrate on my homework but kept looking up to find Adam staring blankly at his screen. I had no idea what to say to him, though, so I stayed quiet and hoped my presence would be enough comfort.

About half an hour later, my phone vibrated. I pulled it out of my pocket and saw it was Asher calling. In all the excitement, I’d forgotten that I’d promised to call him and give him my decision as soon as I got home from school. I jumped up and excused myself from the room.

“Asher, hi. I’m sorry I forgot to call. There was a lot going on—”

“It’s fine, Killian,” he interrupted me. “Can we talk now?”

“Yeah, well, no... I mean—” I took a deep breath. “Can I come pick you up?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

“Great. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

I went back into the den to grab my car keys. “I, uh, have to go talk to Asher,” I told Adam.

“Is everything okay?” he asked.

“I’m not sure,” I told him honestly.

“Take a second and tell me what’s going on.” He stood up from the computer desk and sat on the couch, patting the cushion next to him.

I joined him and let out a sigh. “You know Asher likes me, right?”

“I’d have to be blind to not see that.”

I paused for a second at his ironic choice of words. “Well, remember how you talked to him after he ran off?”

Adam nodded.

“He came by last night. That’s who was at the door, but I guess Kane told you and you figured it out. He said he’d been thinking a lot about what you told him. He apologized for running off and avoiding me all week. Then he asked me to, uh, be his boyfriend.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“I...don’t know. I mean, I like Asher. I’ve liked him for years. And now I find out he likes me, too. I should be thrilled.”

“But you’re not?”

“I don’t know what I am. Scared, I guess.”

“Scared of what? Do you still think he was involved in the attacks?”

“I dunno. Maybe? No... No, I don’t. In my gut I know Asher couldn’t have done it.”

“Do you think you’re afraid of losing him altogether if the whole dating thing doesn’t work out?”

“I hadn’t even thought about that. Thanks for adding something else for me to worry about.”

Adam laughed.

“Honestly, I don’t know what I’m afraid of. I just—” I floundered about, seeking the right words to explain myself but I couldn’t find them. “What if I’m just not ready?”

“Then that’s an answer in and of itself. And that would be understandable. You’ve been through a lot lately, and you haven’t even had time to process all of it. If he cares about you, he’ll accept that.”

I dropped my head back on the couch. “But what if that’s just an excuse because I’m scared?”

“Has anyone ever told you that you overthink things?”

“Yes. Everyone.”

He chuckled. “So what are you going to tell Asher?”

“I don’t know.” I sighed. “I guess I’ll figure it out when the time comes. Maybe the words will come to me when I see him.”

Adam ruffled my hair and stood up. “Well, you’d better get going. Asher is waiting, and I’d wager he’s as nervous as you are. You shouldn’t keep him waiting too long. I hope you figure out your heart on the way.”

As I drove to my old neighborhood, I brooded over what Adam had said about figuring out my heart. That was the problem. I couldn’t figure anything out. I didn’t trust my own heart. For that matter, I didn’t fully trust anybody, not even those closest to me—Adam, Asher, my mom. I thought about how the storm winds had battered the flowers that night when Asher found me. That was still how I felt—battered, raw, as if my heart were still bleeding.

I was so lost in thought that I drove right past Asher’s house and almost pulled into my old driveway out of force of habit. I drove past, turned around and pulled up to the curb.

Asher was out of his house and in my passenger seat almost before I’d come to a full stop. He was wearing faded jeans and a dark blue hoodie under a denim jacket. He looked good.

“What took you so long?” he asked, snapping me out of my reverie.

“Oh, I, uh, got hung up with Adam. Are we driving somewhere?”

“It doesn’t matter to me. This is your show. You said you’d pick me up, remember?”

“Oh, um. Right. How about the boardwalk?”

“That’s fine.”

We made small talk on the way there, both of us carefully avoiding the actual purpose of our “date.” We found a parking space at the inlet, and I started toward the boardwalk. Asher caught my arm. “Let’s just walk in the sand,” he suggested softly. “It’ll be less crowded.”

I hadn’t been on the beach since the time I’d run into Seth, but I pushed that though from my mind and agreed. It wasn’t long before I started shivering. The wind off the water was more than a little chilly, and I wished I’d thought to put on something heavier than just a T-shirt. I hadn’t planned on being outside by the ocean.

Asher noticed. “Here.” He took off his jacket and slipped it around my shoulders.

“No, that’s okay. You need it.”

“Just take it, Killian. Why do you always have to fight me about everything? Just let me do something for you.” Exasperation filled his voice. “Besides, I’m wearing a sweatshirt.”

I gave in and gratefully shrugged the jacket on. “Thanks,” I said softly.

He nodded.

The beach was deserted except for the two of us and a few people off in the distance. The sun was quickly making its way toward the horizon. We walked toward the pier for a while, neither of us talking.

Finally, Asher spoke up. “Did you think over what we talked about last night?”

“A little,” I replied quietly. “Okay, a lot.”

Asher took a step closer to me so that he could hear above the sound of the waves. We were now walking almost shoulder to shoulder. I felt his hand brush against mine.

“And?” he prompted.

“I’m scared.”

His hand slid gently into mine, our fingers interlocking as if we’d done this dozens of times before. “Of what?”

“I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Do you still think I killed Seth?”

“No. I honestly don’t. It’s not that. I just don’t know how to explain it to you.”

I thought for a moment, and he didn’t push.

Suddenly, I stopped walking and dropped Asher’s hand. As if a dam had burst inside me, words began to tumble out of my mouth almost faster than I could say them. “I was thinking on the way to your house about how I’m not sure I trust anybody anymore. When I was a little kid, I used to worship the ground my father walked on. I thought the sun rose and set on him. He seemed so big and strong and wise. But then I grew up and realized he was just an abusive control freak. I never understood my mom. Until recently, I never thought she cared about me. I mean, I know now she was just trying to protect me in her own way, but she always seemed so passive and distant. I have these vague memories of my dad yelling at her when I was younger, telling her not to baby me or show me too much affection or she’d turn me into a sissy. I’ve never really fit in at school, and even my so-called friends Zack and Jesse pick on me. And maybe you didn’t bully me the way they do, but I’ve always felt like second best with you, at least up until recently.

“I guess I learned to just keep people at arm’s length. If nobody got close, nobody could really hurt me. I thought I was safe behind my defenses. Then along came Seth, and he saw right through me. That really shook me. And when I finally decided to go out on a limb and trust him, someone murdered him. That same someone—probably someone I know—then tried to kill me. And then my dad beat the hell out of me simply because I’m gay. I’m scared, Asher. I’m scared of getting hurt again.”

I walked away, my arms wrapped tightly around my body. Asher followed me closely. “Killian, wait.” I stopped under the pier. “You don’t think I’m scared too? I’ve never done anything like this. But I’ve already given you my heart.”

“But that’s just it. I’m not sure I want it. I don’t know what to do with it. What if I break it? What if I hurt you the same way I’ve been hurt?”

With one hand, Asher gripped my shoulder and turned me around to face him. He slid his other hand gently around my neck. “Maybe you will. Or maybe I’ll hurt you. Or maybe we’ll grow old together. I told you last night I’m willing to take the risk if you are.”

He pulled me close and kissed me hard on the lips. I slowly melted into his embrace. The kiss grew more and more passionate until the whole world disappeared, and all my walls collapsed.

Asher lowered me to the sand, his body following, pressing his length against mine. We kissed for a while longer before I suddenly remembered where we were.

“Asher!” I gasped, my breath coming in short bursts.

“Mmm?” He had his face buried in my neck, his lips dragging across my skin, sending a tingling sensation flooded through my body.

I gasped again. “Asher! We’re on the beach!”

He raised his head and looked at me through heavily lidded eyes. “So?”

I grinned and kissed him on the lips again, then pulled back. “So, it’s cold and I’m getting sand down my underwear. Let’s go home and continue this in private.”

“You mean it?” he asked excitedly, searching my eyes.

“Yes. Think you can spend the night?”

I think I set land speed records on the drive back to Adam’s. Luckily, it wasn’t far, and we didn’t encounter any police on the way.

Asher and I burst through the front door of the house, giggling and tripping over each other in our haste.

“Whoa,” Adam exclaimed as he came into the hall to see what was going on. “You two sound like a herd of elephants. I thought I was being invaded by Hannibal.” We giggled again. “Make that a herd of giddy elephants. I take it you had a good time?”

“The best,” I replied breathlessly. “Can Asher spend the night?”

Adam’s left eyebrow flew up so high it was almost lost in his hairline. “Well, I don’t know,” he said slowly.

“What?” I was shocked. I hadn’t expected any pushback.

“I think I’d rather talk to your mother first.”

“What do you mean?”

“May I speak to you for a second in the kitchen?” He cast a meaningful look at Asher. “Alone.”

“Um, yeah, sure.”

“Asher, why don’t you wait in the den?” Adam suggested.

Asher nodded, and I followed Adam into the kitchen.

“Obviously your talk went well,” he said when we were alone. “I’m glad and I support you and Asher, but I’m not sure this is the best idea right now.”

“I don’t understand. Just an hour ago you were telling me to date him.”

“I said date him, not fuck him.”

My mouth fell open in shock. “Adam!” If I’d been wearing pearls, I would have clutched them. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. We were just talking!”

“Oh? The evidence would suggest otherwise.”

“What evidence?”

He reached out and tapped the side of my neck where Asher had been kissing me. “Well, for one thing, that’s a hickey.”

I gasped in horror, covering it with my hand, although it was too late to hide anything.

“Look, I was a teenage boy once. I get it. Hormones and all that.” I stood there futilely wishing the floor would open up and swallow me. “But I know you two intend to do more than talk up there.” I blushed. “I know I’m not your father and therefore have no right to tell you what you can and cannot do with your life, but I’ve grown to care about you in the short amount of time you’ve been here. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“Asher won’t hurt me,” I said, though my voice didn’t sound as sure as I’d hoped. After all, I’d been questioning the exact same thing not that long ago.

“Maybe not on purpose, but you’re so young and inexperienced, Killian. I don’t know Asher’s experience level with sex, but I’ll assume same-sex stuff at least is all new to him too. I’ll give you the same advice I’d give Seth if he were alive. Don’t rush into a sexual relationship. Let your relationship grow first. You’re both just beginning to explore this new side of yourselves. Sex is great, don’t get me wrong, but it complicates things. It could easily take over your relationship, especially at your age. Not to mention, you two weren’t even speaking two days ago.

“But even more than that, you just went through a very traumatic experience—actually two traumatic experiences, Seth’s murder and then your father’s abuse. I don’t think you’ve really dealt with either one. I’m not sure adding the emotional stress of a serious, sexual relationship while you’re still in a vulnerable place is a great idea.”

“I’m fine,” I insisted. “I don’t know what you mean about dealing with them. It seems like all I do is cry anymore. Isn’t that dealing with it?”

“No, you’re only releasing the pressure. That’s better than holding everything in, but it’s not dealing with the underlying issues. Until you address those issues, the pressure will always be building, threatening to explode and overwhelm you.”

“Then what am I supposed to do? He wants us to be boyfriends. What am I just supposed to say? ‘Sorry, I’m too fucked up to date right now. You’ll have to wait until Adam decides I’m fuckable?’”

He snorted. “That’s not what I’m saying at all. All I’m just saying is that you should take things slow. Be his boyfriend if you want, but that doesn’t mean you have to jump right into bed. Besides, you’re putting me in an awkward situation.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your mom has entrusted me to take care of you while you’re here. How does it look if she finds out that I’m just letting your new boyfriend—that she doesn’t even know about, mind you—have sleepovers in your bedroom? It would look like I was condoning or even encouraging a sex relationship. There are enough stereotypes about gay men being predators or sex maniacs without adding fuel to the fire. You should have heard some of the things Eve was screaming at me before you got home today.”

“Kane told me.”

“Then you understand what I’m saying? If you talk to your mom and she says it’s okay for Asher to spend the night alone in your bedroom, then I’ll be fine with it, but I can’t allow it without her knowledge. Does that make sense?”

I nodded reluctantly. It did make sense, and now that I’d sobered up from the giddiness of our makeout session, I couldn’t imagine what I’d been thinking. That we’d just waltz in and say good night before going upstairs to fool around knowing full well Adam would know what we were up to? I knew I was blushing again.

“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore,” I said in a quiet voice. “I’m all over the place.”

He sighed. “I know, Kill. That makes two of us. I’m still dealing with my own issues. We’ll work through it all together, huh?” He pulled me in for a quick hug. “I’ll talk to your mom tomorrow and see what we can do about maybe finding a good therapist for both of us.”

I nodded, though still not convinced I needed therapy. I thought I was doing pretty well, considering.

“What about Asher?” I asked.

“We can find him a therapist too, if you want.”

I gave him a confused look, and he laughed. “I’m kidding, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to stay over. How about if we watch a movie together, and then you can drive him home? I have a great one that I know you guys will love. I guarantee you’ve never seen it before.”

“What is it?” I asked suspiciously.

“Just wait. It’ll be a surprise. I’m pretty sure you’ll love it, though. You might say it’s a classic.”

I frowned. “It’s in black and white and all the actors are dead, right?”

Adam laughed. “No, the actors are still very much alive and it’s in color. It’s not that classic. Just from the ‘90s.”

“You do know Asher and I weren’t even born yet, right?”

Adam groaned. “Don’t remind me! I’m so old.”

“You said it, I didn’t.” Adam threw a dish towel at me, but I dodged and ran from the room laughing.

I went back to Asher and filled him in on Adam’s concerns. He was visibly disappointed that he couldn’t stay over but agreed to watch a movie. It was better than nothing.

Asher and I settled in on the couch with a blanket while Adam made some popcorn. We kissed a little but jumped apart guiltily when Adam came in with the munchies. He pretended not to notice. Adam dimmed the lights and, when everyone was ready, he put a DVD into the ancient but still functional machine and pushed play on the remote control.

The film started right into a scene of some British school kids bullying a boy around our age during a soccer game. The boy walked off the field and a jaunty but unfamiliar song started playing as the words “Beautiful Thing” appeared on the screen.

Beautiful Thing was a British movie about two working-class teenage boys who fall in love. I related so much to the characters. One of the guys was a seventeen-year-old named Ste whose father abused him. Those scenes poked at open wounds, but Asher held me tightly and I made it through them without breaking down.

The dialogue was a little hard to understand at first because of their accents. After interrupting for the fifth time to ask Adam what they were saying, he turned on closed captioning, which helped a little, though I still didn’t know what some of the slang terms meant. The soundtrack was fun. Adam said it was almost entirely by someone named Mama Cass, but neither Asher nor I had ever heard of her.

The movie was good, but even more than the story playing out on the screen, I enjoyed snuggling with Asher. I’d never really cuddled with anyone before, and I suddenly understood what all the fuss was about. It felt so good to have his warm body curled around mine, his breath on my cheek, his arms around me. His hands rubbed slowly up and down my arms while we watched, giving me shivers. I wished like crazy Adam hadn’t imposed the no-sleepover rule. At one point, when the boys in the movie were making out in a beautifully romantic scene, Asher gently kissed my neck, and I wondered if he was as hard as I was.

As the last notes of Mama Cass’s “Dream a Little Dream of Me” faded away, Adam turned to us expectantly. “Did you like it?”

“Yes!” we answered in unison.

Adam just chuckled a bit. He turned his attention to the TV and changed the channel to the news. We all got a bit engrossed in the top story. It wasn’t long, though, before I realized that Asher’s breathing had become very regular, and his body had relaxed. He had dozed off.

“Asher fell asleep,” I whispered to Adam.

He looked over and smiled at us.

“What?” I asked.

“You two look so peaceful. I hate to disturb him.”

“Then don’t. Let us sleep here. We won’t do anything. I promise.”

He thought for a moment, then seemed to make up his mind. “I’m going to trust you, Killian.”

I broke into a wide grin. “Thanks, Adam.”

“In that case, I need to call his mother and let her know where he is,” he said, getting up.

I gave him Asher’s phone number, and he made the call. After speaking for a brief time, he hung up and snapped off the last lamp.

“I guess that means it was okay,” I whispered.

“You guessed correctly. His mom sounds like a very nice lady.”

“She really is.”

“Good night, Killian.”

“Good night, Adam.”

He started from the room. “Adam?” I called out softly.

“Yes?” He turned back toward me.

“Thank you...for everything. I’m glad you’ve been here for me. You’re like the dad mine never was.”

He stood silhouetted in the hall light for a few moments. I couldn’t see his face so I couldn’t judge his reaction. Just as I was wondering if he was going to respond, he slowly walked back to me, bent over, and gently kissed my forehead. Before I could say anything else, though, he quickly left the room and turned off the hall light. I heard him go up the stairs and his door close.

The sudden silence was almost deafening, but it was a peaceful silence, and it wasn’t long before I joined Asher in sleep.