Bleeding Hearts - 17. Chapter 17

My mind raced as I tried to decide what to say. How much had he heard? If he’d been there for more than a few minutes he’d heard me tell Jake that I liked him. “Uh, yeah, Jake Sheridan,” I said lamely.

Asher closed his eyes for a second, then opened them again. Pain flashed out of them like the beam from a lighthouse. “So...you’re not dating Gilly...but you are dating her twin brother?”

“I’m not dating Jake.”

“But you like him.”

“Asher—” I wasn’t sure where I was going with it but felt I had to say something.

“You don’t have to explain anything to me, Killian,” he interrupted quietly. “You don’t owe me anything. You said you wanted us to be friends and that’s all we are.”

“It’s not like that,” I tried again.

“Look, I heard you tell Jake you like him. You also told him you wanted to take things slow, which must mean you’re planning to pursue something with him. I didn’t even know he was gay—or bi or whatever he is—but it’s obvious where that leaves me.”

I opened my mouth again, but he stood up and held out a hand to silence me. “Don’t say anything, please. It’ll only make things worse. I’ll be okay, if that’s what you’re worried about. I’ve lived without you just fine so far, and I’ll survive again. Yes, I care about you a lot—maybe I’m even in love with you. How would I know? I’ve never been in love with anyone before. I don’t have anything to compare it to. I do want to at least be friends with you. Just...I think I’ll need some time. I’ll let you know when I’m ready. I’d better go now before I do something that would embarrass us both.”

He turned and walked toward the door.

“Asher, wait!” I yelled. I was louder than I’d intended, but it had the desired effect. He stopped in his tracks, although he kept his back to me. “Will you let me get a word in somewhere? Yes, I like Jake. Yes, he likes guys, and yes, I’m attracted to him. And yes, maybe it could develop into something more, but for now, we’re just friends—same as you and I. I never stopped liking you, but I don’t know if I’m in love with anyone—you or Jake. Like you said, how would I even know? I do know I need time to figure all this out, the same as you do. In the meantime, I hope you don’t think I’m being too selfish because I want to stay friends with you.”

Asher slowly turned and faced me again. “I don’t think you’re selfish, and I don’t want to be, either. If being with Jake is what makes you happy, then I want you to be with Jake. But I don’t want to lose our friendship. It’s the best thing in my life.”

We both moved toward each other at the same time and hugged tightly. “No matter what, we’ll always be friends,” I whispered into his hair.

He pulled back a little, keeping his arms around my neck, then leaned in for a quick peck on the lips. “I really should go, Kill.”

“Okay,” I said, dropping my arms.

He turned and left, closing the door behind him.

I fell backwards onto my bed and stared up at the ceiling.

“Well, that could have gone worse,” I said out loud.

It could have gone better, too, to be fair. Then again, everything was out in the open now. And did I really have room to complain? I had two hot guys who both wanted to pursue a relationship of some sort with me. Sure, I was also possibly being stalked by a murderer—maybe, if I believed Judy—but all things considered, life wasn’t all that bad.

 

The next week passed quickly with preparations for Kane’s arrival. He was supposed to arrive on Friday. On Monday, Adam bought a second-hand dresser and a set of twin beds to replace Seth’s old bed.

I made sure to retrieve Seth’s journal from its hiding place and stash it away under the mattress of my new bed. I still hadn’t read a single page of it, though not for lack of interest. It had occurred to me that it might contain clues to his murder, but I still couldn’t bring myself to open it. The very idea felt like such an invasion of his privacy.

I spent some time every day arranging and rearranging the room, trying to make it perfect for Kane.

When I wasn’t moving furniture around like a demented Sims, I was at the Sheridans’ since Gilly had somehow roped me into helping them decorate for the party. They were going all out to make the place look like a haunted house. Mrs. Sheridan was planning a big renovation project, but the kids had talked her into waiting to start painting until after the party so it could look creepier. Faux cobwebs were draped everywhere, and plastic spiders were stuck on the walls with museum putty. They had also been stockpiling white sheets from the thrift store, so every piece of furniture was covered. It was starting to look creepy even in broad daylight, and I couldn’t wait to see it in the proper lighting.

While we worked, Jake and I maintained a friendly but polite distance. I made a deliberate effort to avoid ever being alone with Todd, though he kept a watchful eye on us at all times, never letting Jake and I be unattended in the same room. Gilly seemed blissfully ignorant of the tension, for which I was eternally grateful. Mrs. Sheridan was always around somewhere, but I never saw their dad.

On Tuesday, I finally let Gilly talk me into trying on the costume she’d picked out for me. From Jake’s description, I was prepared for a cheap, mass-produced costume, but it was actually very well made. It definitely had a sort of renaissance festival air to it, and, considering the tunic was baggy and flowy and the opaque black tights were stretchy, it fit surprisingly well.

The tunic was black velvet with gold embroidery around the neckline and a matching braided gold belt to cinch it in. My favorite part was definitely the cloak though. It was heavy and flowed majestically behind me when I walked. I would need to find some shoes to wear with it, but, overall, it was better than I expected. I even thought I looked pretty decent in it.

I talked to Asher a few times although we didn’t really hang out or anything. We mainly just ran into each other between classes now that he wasn’t actively avoiding me.

Mom called on Wednesday with an update about Dad. She said between the report the hospital made after Dad beat me, and the charges she’d pressed after he attacked her, he was in deep doo-doo—her words, not mine.

“This all might actually be bigger than the asshole can slither out of this time,” she said, sounding surprised. “I still can’t believe it. Turns out domestic abuse charges are more than he can sweep under the rug. His office had to recuse themselves due to conflict of interest, so it’s being transferred to the neighboring county's state's attorney, and from what my lawyer told me, there’s no love lost between her and your father.”

To ensure fairness, Mom's lawyer was also trying to get their entire case tried in a different county to avoid bias with the judges. Most of the local ones golfed with Dad so there wasn’t much chance for impartiality.

So far, Dad had managed to keep things fairly quiet, but if the media caught wind, it would be a different story. While the charges were only a misdemeanor, if he was found guilty, it would still likely mean the end of his career. I couldn’t say I felt sorry for him at all. He deserved whatever happened to him.

In equally good news, Mom was settling in very well with Aunt Kate. She loved being around all the kids.

“I’d forgotten how stinking cute little ones can be,” she said. “I kind of miss when you were that age and things seemed simpler.”

“I’m glad you’re liking it,” I said, “but I’m kind of glad I’m not a little kid anymore.”

“You’ll always be my baby, and don’t you forget it. Now, what’s this about you having a girlfriend? You’d better not give me any grandchildren any time soon.”

“Mom! It’s not like that!”

I quickly explained the whole beard thing, conveniently leaving out my complicated love triangle. Quadrangle?

She sighed heavily when I finished. “Just be gentle with her, Killian. Girls are tender when it comes to crushes.”

“It was her idea, Mom.”

“I know, but we do dumb things for love. Trust me.”

“Yeah, I don’t think that’s limited to any one gender, though.”

She laughed. “You’re probably right, but still promise me you’ll be careful.”

“I will.”

Thursday night, I had another weird dream—not a nightmare, but another visit from Seth. In the dream, I “woke up” to find Seth sitting cross-legged at the foot of the bed. He gave me an exasperated look that was clearly trying to communicate something, but even in my dream, my sleep-addled brain failed to understand. With an exaggerated eye roll, he slid off the bed, reached under, and pulled out the journal. Then, still using over-acted mimed movements, we opened the book and pretended to read. Then he pointed at me before pointing back to the book.

“You...want me to read it?” I asked.

He nodded vigorously.

“Are you sure?”

He nodded again, then slid under the bed to return the book, arching his back and sticking his rear up and wiggling it provocatively. He re-emerged and gave me a wink. Then, in the blink of an eye, he was gone.

“Message received,” I mumbled as I fell back onto my pillow.

As I lay there waiting for sleep to reclaim me, I wondered what was going on with me. I felt like some kind of sex freak lately. I was even attracted to the dead boy in my dreams. Is this what everyone was talking about when they joked about teens and hormones? If so, I guess I was a late bloomer. But I was apparently making up for lost time.

When I woke up the next morning, the strange dream was the first thing on my mind. I thought about retrieving the journal right away, but then I realized I had to get ready for school. And then I remembered that it was Friday, which meant Kane would be all moved in by the time school let out, and the journal was all but forgotten.

School seemed to drag by at an interminably slow pace. When the final bell rang, I swear I was the first student out the door. I was so excited that I drove home at what was probably an unsafe speed. I was officially gaining a brother and, having grown up as an only child, I was really looking forward to it. I pulled up beside Eve’s car, raced up the steps and across the porch and burst through the door.

Kane was just coming down the stairs as I made my dramatic entrance. When he saw me, he skipped the last few steps with a single leap and threw himself at me with a feral howl, flinging his arms around my neck in a huge bear hug that I thought would break my spine. For a little guy, he had surprising strength.

When he finally let me go and I had caught my breath enough to speak, I gasped, “Kane! I can’t believe you’re actually moving in!”

“I know! It all happened so fast. One day I’m wishing I could live here and now here I am. And I owe it all to you!” With that, he launched himself at me again. If this kept up, I’d need a neck brace before long.

“Well, isn’t this touching?” a caustic voice said from above. I looked up to see Eve standing at the top of the stairs in all her fairy splendor. She was wearing a long white airy dress with a scarf that created an eerie effect of wings. As she walked down the stairs, the dress and scarf swirled around her in a mesmerizing ethereal display that made it seem as if she were floating. When she reached the bottom, she broke the spell by speaking once again. “Is this your little boyfriend, Kane?”

“Mom, this is Killian. You met him last time, remember?”

Her eyes raked over me, her disapproval clear. “I’m afraid not.”

“He lives here with Dad. He’s been like my brother to me.”

She shot me withering glance, then fixed Kane with a piercing glare. “You only had one brother. His name was Seth, and in case you’ve forgotten already, he was murdered because he was gay.”

My mouth dropped open at the coldness in her voice, quickly replaced by cold fury when I saw the raw pain in Kane’s eyes.

“Well, Kane, you know how to get in touch with me if you change your mind about...” She waved her hand dismissively. “...all this. I think I’m done here, and I have a long drive ahead of me.”

With that, she swept past us, her scarf actually dragging across my face as she blew by. When she reached the door, she stopped. At first, I thought it was for dramatic effect, but suddenly she spun around, stepped to Kane, and enveloped him in a tight hug.

I was surprised by the sudden display of emotion. I hadn’t thought she possessed any. It was over as quickly as it had begun, however, and she was out the door before Kane could react, leaving him stunned and more than a little confused.

He stood still for a moment, too overwhelmed to even know what to do. He looked over at me, his eyes wide with surprise and confusion. “What was that?”

I shrugged. “I guess the wicked witch has a heart after all.”

He frowned. “It was the Tin Man who didn’t have a heart.”

“You get the point.”

“But what was that hug about? Why did she do that when she’s been a bitch all week. She’s hardly said a word to me since we put our plan into action.”

“Yeah, but she’s still your mom. I’m sure she still loves you even if she’d mad at you,” I assured him with as much conviction as I could muster. I wasn’t sure that’s how always worked—just look at my dad—but I felt like it’s what he needed to hear, so I stuck with it. “She’s probably going to miss having you around.”

He looked at the door. “You think so? Maybe I should have told her I loved her before she left.”

“She isn’t gone forever. You’ll see her again.”

“Will I? She was pretty mad. How can you be sure? What if she doesn’t want anything to do with me ever again? What if this was all a mistake?”

“Kane, listen, take a deep breath. You need to calm down. Where’s your dad?”

“He and Mom were fighting, as usual. It... It got really bad. She was accusing him of doing stuff to me and Seth to turn us gay, like gross stuff. Dad finally had enough and said he was going to go for a walk or something while we finished getting my stuff out of her car. He’s been gone a while.”

It looked like I’d have to handle this one on my own.

“Okay, well, even if she’s mad now, she’ll get over it. You’re her son.”

“You don’t know my mom. When she discovered Seth was gay, she kicked him out and never saw him again. She didn’t even mention him. It was like he was dead before he actually died. And now he really is dead, and I never got to say goodbye to him.”

A single tear rolled down Kane’s cheek, I realized that he was grieving for Seth as much as for his mother. This had to be an incredibly emotional time for him. His desire to live with his father essentially meant he had given up his mother. He was working himself into a full-blown breakdown. I took him by the shoulders and steered him over to the couch where I gently pushed him down before sitting next to him.

Kane’s grief was almost palpable. Watching him, it made me realize that Adam was right. I had never really grieved Seth’s death myself. I’d gone from stunned numbness to keeping myself distracted by rebuilding my life. I had grand intentions of finding his killer and seeking justice, but I’d barely made any progress. I’d mostly just pushed him from my mind.

Of course, my grief was nothing compared to Kane’s. Seth wasn’t my brother and I’d only known him for two weeks. Still, we were becoming friends, and we would have been even better friends if we’d had the chance.

It all seemed so surreal. I hadn’t really known Seth that well, and yet, there I was, living in his house, with his dad, sleeping in his room, and now his brother was there too. I was living the life that was meant for him.

It was an unsettling thought. I felt as if I’d suddenly found myself in an episode of The Twilight Zone.

I heard the front door open, followed by footsteps.

“Adam?” I called.

“Yeah?”

“We’re in the living room.”

He stopped short when he saw Kane’s face. “What happened?” His voice was suddenly tight with fear.

Without waiting for an answer, he rushed to Kane’s side. Kane threw himself into his arms and burst into tears.

“What did Eve do now?” he asked me.

“She didn’t really do anything. He’s afraid he’ll never see his mom again,” I explained.

“I wanted to be with you so bad that I didn’t think about how it would make her feel,” Kane said in a tear-filled voice. “I think I hurt her feelings. What if she hates me now?”

“She doesn’t hate you,” Adam soothed. “It’s just, well, your mother hasn’t had an easy life. She’s been hurt by a lot of people, including me. That’s made her very guarded with her emotions. It’s not that she doesn’t have any; she just has a hard time showing them, aside from anger, anyway. You probably did hurt her feelings, but she’s an adult, and she should act like one and not take that out on you. That said, I’m absolutely sure you’ll see her again.”

“How can you be sure? She never saw Seth again.”

“Seth didn’t live with me that long. I’m sure they would have reconciled in time.”

I felt I was intruding on a private moment, so I slipped out of the room and left them to talk. I went up to my room—our room now to find that Kane had moved his stuff in but hadn’t had a chance to put anything away yet. I decided to give him a hand.

That turned out to be harder than I’d anticipated. I didn’t know where Kane kept things or how he liked them arranged. I hadn’t made much progress half an hour later when Adam and Kane joined me. Kane’s eyes were red, but he seemed much better.

We worked together for a few hours, Kane directing Adam and I, until we had his clothes and other stuff put away. By then it was past time for dinner, and since Adam hadn’t had time to cook, we went out to a Mexican restaurant to celebrate.

While we were waiting for our food, the subject of the Halloween party came up when Adam asked how preparations were going.

“It’s going to look great,” I reported, before turning to Kane. “You should come with me.”

“But I won’t know anybody,” he protested.

“It’ll be a great chance to meet people before you start school next week. I’ll be with you so I can introduce you.”

“But I don’t have a costume.”

“We can fix that pretty easily,” Adam said. “We’ll just go buy something after dinner.”

I could tell we were wearing him down, so I went in for the kill. “Come on. I want to show off my new little brother.”

He couldn’t hide the grin that spread over his face at that. “Okay, but are you sure it’s okay if I just show up at these people’s house?”

“I’m sort of dating one of the hosts, so I’m sure it’ll be okay.”

His eyes grew wide with undisguised delight. “What? You didn’t tell me you were dating someone! Who is he? What’s his name?”

Adam snorted, and Kane gave him a confused look.

“Her name is Gilly,” I said, “And it’s a long story.”

Kane looked thoroughly confused. “It must be a long story if you’re dating girls now. I thought you were gay.”

“I am. She’s just a cover so I didn’t get outed at school.”

“Ohhh, I see. So you’re not, like, boning or anything.”

“Kane!” Adam and I said in unison, and he cackled.

“I’ll text Gilly right now just to be sure if it makes you feel better, but I know it’ll be fine. It’s a big party. No one will notice one more person.”

As I shot off the text, Adam asked, “How big?” His paternal instincts were kicking into overdrive. “Will there be drinking? Will their parents be there? Maybe Kane shouldn’t go after all...”

“Adam, relax. They have this party every year. It’s a big deal. Their parents are pretty strict so I’m sure there will be adults there. Everything will be fine.”

He sighed. “Okay but call me if anything starts to get out of hand. I’ll stay up until you get home.”

“You don’t have to do that,” I said. “I’ll watch out for him.”

“It’s not Kane I’m worried about,” he said with a meaningful look, and Kane crowed in utter delight.

Our food arrived at that moment, sparing me from further derision.

Gilly texted back while we were eating saying, “Of course! The more, the merrier!” Adam was still a little concerned, but Kane was elated.

After dinner, we headed to the nearest big-box store to look for a costume, but the pickings were slim. Most of the store had already switched over to Christmas decorations, but we managed to find the Halloween dredges in a clearance aisle. While it was very picked over, we were able to put together a fairly decent vampire costume. Not entirely original, but it could have been worst considering it was so last minute.

We went home triumphantly with our spoils and spent the rest of the evening talking and relaxing. It felt natural and right, as if Kane had always lived there. Before we knew it, the time had come to say goodnight. We still had some running around to do the next day before Kane and I went to the party.

After all the bedtime rituals were finished, Kane and I settled into our respective beds. Adam came in to say goodnight, then turned the lights off on his way out. A heavy silence descended with the darkness. It wasn’t long, though, before I heard sniffling sounds from Kane’s side of the room.

“Are you okay?” I asked softly, barely more than a whisper.

“Yeah. I guess so. It’s just...there’s so much going on right now and I’m so confused...and it’s kinda weird being here for the first night. Do you think I could sleep with you like I did last time?”

“Well, the bed’s not as big as before, but come on over.”

The words had barely left my mouth before he was sliding under the covers next to me. He wiggled around for a few seconds, then rolled over and settled with his back to me. I lay there for a while just watching him breathe. Then I slipped my arm over him and started to drift off.

Just before I crossed the threshold between wakefulness and sleep, I heard Kane’s barely audible voice. “Tell me again how you knew you were gay.”

I thought for a moment before I answered. I’d already told him once, but I knew he was trying to figure things out for himself. I decided to go into more detail than last time.

“Well, like I said before, Seth told me he thought I was and then kissed me. He really freaked me out! I even hit him. Later, though, I started thinking about it and realized he was right. I wasn’t interested in girls—at all. More importantly, I was interested in guys. I enjoyed Seth’s kiss. I felt something I’d never felt before, almost as if it had awakened a part of me that I had ignored until that moment.

“At first, I didn’t want to believe it, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. I was gay. I felt really scared at first, but Seth was really supportive. Later, after...everything happened, I talked a lot to your dad. He’s pretty smart, you know. He helped me understand that there’s nothing wrong with me and I have nothing to be ashamed of. It’s just the way I am. When I’m ready, I’ll come out at school, but there’s no big rush. I’ll do it when the time seems right.”

“Killian,” he asked when I stopped to take a breath, “do you think I’m gay?”

“I don’t know, Kane. That’s kinda something you have to figure out for yourself. I can’t decide for you.”

“Would you be mad at me if I wasn’t?”

I sat up, and he rolled onto his back so he could look up at me. The faint moonlight shining through the window was enough to see him clearly. I could tell he was worried about my response.

“Why would you think I’d be mad at you?”

“I just don’t want to disappoint you. Right now, you’re my only friend here. I want you to like me.”

I ruffled his hair. “Don’t be silly, Kane. Of course I like you. I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, bi or anything else. I just want you to be who you are and that’s it. Just be Kane. Don’t let anybody try to make you something you’re not.”

He sat up and threw his arms around my neck, squeezing so hard I could barely breathe. “Thank you, Killian,” he whispered fiercely into my ear.

We lay back down with my arm around him again. Just as I was about to doze off once more, Kane spoke again. “I don’t think I’m gay. I like girls.”

I stifled a chuckle and squeezed him gently, pulling him tighter against my chest. “Okay.”

“And I like you holding me, but it’s not like it gives me a boner or anything.”

This time I laughed out loud.

“So you’re not mad?” he asked.

“No.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

“Good.”

“Now go to sleep.”

He giggled but finally quieted down and let me fall asleep.

 

I dreamt about Seth again that night. I woke up to find him sitting on the edge of my bed. I was starting to get used to his visits. This dream somehow felt even more real, as if I could reach out and touch him. I glanced over at Kane, but he slept on.

Seth held a finger to his lips. “Shh. Don’t wake him. I’m here to see you.”

My breath caught in my throat, and chills rippled across my skin. This was the first time he’d spoken in my dreams, and my heart ached at the sound of his voice. I felt tears welling, but he just smiled.

“It’s all right. I’m okay,” he said kindly.

“But what—”

He shook his head. “No questions. Sorry. We don’t have much time. You have to read the journal. I thought I’d gotten the message across last night, but...”

“I kind of have a lot going on,” I whispered, gesturing toward Kane.

“I know, but this is important. There are things in here that you need to know.”

“What kind of things?”

“I can’t tell you. I’m already bending the rules telling you this much. You have to figure the rest out for yourself. Promise me you’ll read it.”

“What rules? What are you talking about?”

“Please, just promise me.”

“Okay, I promise.”

His face lit up with a grin. “Thanks.”

"Are you... Are you really here or is this just a dream?"

He tipped his head to one side. "What do you think?"

I shook my head. "It doesn't feel like a dream."

He shrugged. "Does it really matter?"

"I mean, yeah. Kind of. If I'm dreaming, that's one thing, but if I'm really talking to a dead person, that's kind of a big deal."

He snickered. "Fair enough."

"Well?"

"Guess you'll have to figure that out too."

Kane stirred in his sleep. I glanced down at him, and when I looked up again, Seth was gone.

I felt a sense of loss even as I tried to tell myself it was just a dream. It had felt so real, though. Hearing his voice just hit differently, somehow. I suddenly had an overwhelming need to make sure the journal was still under the mattress. I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep until I’d actually touched it.

I slithered out of bed as carefully as possible so as not to wake Kane, then slid my hand between the mattress and the box spring. I sighed with relief when I felt the book. I pulled it out just to make sure.

“What’re you doin’?” Kane asked sleepily, startling me and making me fall backwards onto my butt.

I looked up at him peering blearily at me over the edge of the bed and willed my heart to stop pounding. “I, uh, couldn’t sleep so I thought I’d read for a while. Just go back to sleep.”

Kane nodded, then rolled over and burrowed under the blanket.

Instead of getting back into bed with Kane, I climbed into his bed and turned on his bedside lamp. I hoped it wouldn’t disturb him, but he didn’t so much as move a muscle.

I opened the cover.

The inside page was inscribed “This journal belongs to Seth David Connelly.” I recognized his handwriting from the letter Adam had given me. I’d read it so many times, I had it memorized.

I ran a finger across his name and thought about the vision I’d just had. While I knew it was only a dream, it still gave me a sense of peace I hadn’t felt before about reading Seth’s most private thoughts.

At the bottom of the page, he’d written a date and, “This journal was given to me by my father on the day I moved in with him.”

I turned the page to his first entry. I quickly realized it was a more complete version of the account he’d given me about how he’d come to live with Adam. He’d written it as if it were a fictional tale or short story. It was fairly long, but I couldn’t stop reading. Tears trickled down my cheeks as I turned the pages. He’d ended his narrative on his first day at school. I couldn’t believe it when I saw he’d actually mentioned me.

After that, he’d written the entries in a more typical journal style, interspersed with an occasional poem, notes or random thoughts. They were fairly regular at first. They had a positive vibe, even though it was quickly evident he wasn’t going to find the easy acceptance he’d hoped for at his new school.

Then the entries became more sporadic, recording only unusual or memorable events. They also became increasingly cynical and negative. He mentioned the notes, and the harassment by Zack, Jesse and Asher. It hurt to see Asher mentioned, though Seth did say that Zack and Jesse did all the talking. There were other people who gave him a hard time—names hissed in passing, dirty looks and general avoidance—but Zack and Jesse came over and over.

It seemed his only bright spots were the few times I’d spoken to him. He wrote about me a lot. It was strange to read about myself, seeing myself through someone else’s eyes. He talked about how cute he thought I was, and how he suspected I might be like him.

I felt a wave of guilt for not being braver. I wished I’d talked to him more, stood up for him, been a better friend. I wished I’d kissed him back.

All the wishing in the world couldn’t change what had already happened though. Some part of me knew I wasn’t to blame. I was doing the best I could. I’d been confused, trying to figure things out. I was getting there...just not quickly enough to make a difference for Seth.

He’d started recording the day I came over and he’d kissed me, but the next page had been torn out, obviously the letter Adam had found and given to me. The entry after that was made after we’d texted. He was filled with relief.

I turned the page and started reading.

After two weeks of either being ignored or picked on by everyone in school (except Killian, of course), something weird happened today. This totally hot guy came up to me in the hall and asked if he could talk to me in private. I’d never seen him before so I was a little scared that he was just trying to get me alone to bash me, but I agreed against my better judgement. He was so hot I probably would have agreed to let him beat me up if he’d asked nicely. (Not that I’m into that.) He took me into an empty classroom and asked me if it was true that I was gay. I said yeah and waited for him to call me a slur or hit me or something, but he just stood there for a while, kind of staring off into nowhere and biting his lip. It was kind of creepy, to be honest. Finally, I was just like, Are we done here? Then he grabbed me and tried to kiss me. I shoved him away and was like, What the hell? Then he got all freaky and weird, talking all this crazy shit about how gay people were going to hell. I was just like, So why did you just try to kiss me then? And then he SLAPPED ME! Across the face. Like a bad telenovela. I couldn’t believe it. Hot or not, this guy is seriously fucked up. I just started walking away, but he grabbed my arm really hard. I tried to pull away, but he was so strong. I told him to let go or I’d report him, but he just said I didn’t understand. I told him I didn’t want to understand, I just wanted him to let go and stay the hell away from me. He suddenly looked like he was going to cry or something. He let go and I got out of there as quickly as possible. I hope he just leaves me alone. That’s all I need, some psycho closet-case stalking me.

There were no more entries after that. I flipped through the next few pages, but they were all blank. I went back to check the date of the last entry. He’d written it the day he died. A chill ran down my spine as realized they were likely the last words he’d ever written.

What was so important that I’d dreamed about Seth three separate times? What was Seth—or my subconscious—trying to tell me? What was I missing?

The only new information was that someone had come on to Seth, someone who was obviously very conflicted about his sexuality. Was that it? Did that same person somehow follow him to the park and slit his throat? But how? Did he follow him home and lie in wait? That seemed very premeditated, but if the guy was obsessed enough, then it could have happened. Maybe he’d just wanted to talk to him again, but then things went wrong. So many scenarios were running through my head, but I had too little information.

The bigger question was who was the mystery man?

Seth had thought the guy was hot. I tried to form a mental picture of everyone I had connected to Seth. Of those, I only considered Asher hot, and I really didn’t believe he was involved. His brother Marcus was attractive enough, but again, I couldn’t see him involved. Plus, neither of them had any religious hang-ups with homosexuality.

I didn’t think either Zack or Jesse was hot at all. Of course, my admittedly low opinion of them probably colored my perception. I supposed someone else might find them attractive.

Then there was the other guy Jake had seen talking to Seth. What if the person Jake was protecting and Seth’s mystery man were one and the same? I was going to have to pressure Jake to tell me. He could be unwittingly shielding the killer.

It also occurred to me that there was no way I knew every single person Seth had interacted with in his time at school. I only had the list of names from Jake, and a half-assed description from Becca.

I looked over at the clock and saw it was almost three-thirty in the morning. I wasn’t going to solve the mystery that night. I sighed and turned off the light, then slid deeper under Kane’s blankets.

I stared at the ceiling for a while before finally drifting off.