No Fairytale World - 1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

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“Why did you do this to us?” his father asked.

“Why have you chosen to hurt us?” his mother asked tearfully.

“You have shamed us. People are whispering about us,” his mother said gravely.

“What happened? You were normal before,” his mother sobbed.

“Poor Susan. Your poor son.” His father shook his head regretfully.

The images morphed. His wife was crying in the corner of a white room, hunched over, looking beautiful in her flowing wedding dress. She looked up, tears streaking her face. “Why, Andy? Why? What have I done wrong?”

His small son stood before him, looking sad. “Daddy, why aren’t you normal?”

“Daddy, won’t you come home to us?” the boy pleaded. “I miss you.”

“Be normal again! Go back to the little boy I loved! Be normal again! Stop being this way!” His mother’s voice rose into a scream. Her face was no longer sad and tearful; it became distorted. The features that mirrored his own contorted.

He opened his mouth in a terrified scream as her face turned shades of purple and red. Her mouth grew into a large oval as inhuman wails erupted.

“BE NORMAL!” she screeched, transforming into a hideous monster, flames blowing at his face, singeing off his skin; his flesh melted down his chin and oozed into a puddle near his feet.

“I’M SORRY! I’M SORRY! I CAN’T BE WHAT YOU WANT!!!”

Andy shot up in bed, gasping for air, and clutching his chest. His heart was racing and he was half expecting his heart to be protruding from his chest. His face felt wet and when he traced the trail of liquid, he realized tears had dripped from the corner of his eyes.

Sweating all over, he threw off the covers and wiped his lower back, grimacing when he felt the slimy film of moisture.

“Great, more fucking laundry to do,” he muttered, pulling off the sheets and blankets. He had been doing laundry practically on a daily basis, what with his daily nightmares and memories that were committed to haunting him until the end of time.

Being naked already, he opted for a shower. Not many things made him feel good these days, and although there were times he didn’t even feel like showering or taking a shit, he was definitely in the mood for a shower right now.

The cool water washed over him and the drops trickled down his short blond hair and into his eyes. Squeezing them shut and holding his nose, he positioned his face directly under the nozzle, getting relief from the harsh pressure.

“Andy?”

He quickly wiped the water from his face and called out, “Taking a shower.”

“I kind of figured; I heard the water running,” came the easy going voice of his ex-co worker.

“I’m just about done,” Andy called out. He didn’t hear a response, but he thought he could make out the words ‘laundry’ and ‘make coffee.’

Drying off quickly, he threw on his boxers and a shirt. Venturing into the kitchen, he was hit with the wonderful smell of fresh coffee.

“I love you,” Andy sighed, inhaling deeply, closing his eyes.

The redhead whirled around, grinning. “Nice sentiment, but you know I don’t swing that way. Here are some tissues. Go cry your heart out.”

“Shut your hole,” Andy grumbled, nudging his friend. “I told you I don’t like redheads. Especially goofy, clumsy ones with small dicks.”

Mark nearly dropped the mug he had taken out of the cupboard. “Kiss my ass; you’ve never seen what I’m packing.”

Andy smiled. “Prove it, big boy.”

“Can’t. You know my girlfriend would have issues with me flashing gay dudes and being seduced by them.”

“I’m not in the mood for this. I had shitty sleep. Pour me some coffee,” Andy grunted, his smile slipping.

Mark’s smile fell as he became concerned. “Nightmares?” he asked quietly.

Andy nodded gratefully accepting the full mug of coffee. “I’ll be ok.”

“Yeah, it does take time,” Mark agreed. “It’s a tough adjustment.”

Andy was silent. “Thanks again, Mark,” he finally said quietly. “I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

Actually, he did know. He’d have to shack up with his parents and he really couldn’t bear seeing them right now. Hence the nightmares.

Mark waved a hand dismissively and smiled. “Stop thanking me, Andy. I told you; when my parents retired, they moved to London and left the house to me. One level is for them whenever they visit, and one is for me. But I’m barely here because I’m always at Michelle’s,” he explained.

“In fact,” Mark leaned forward as if disclosing some secret information. “Things are going really well with Michelle. I think she is the real deal and I’ve been saving up for a ring. It’s only a matter of time before we move into our own place.”

“You’re such a lifesaver, Mark,” Andy sighed, mentally thinking of his rapidly depleting checking account. “I need to get a job soon,” he murmured to himself, calculating upcoming child support payments.

“You’ll get one soon,” Mark said confidently. “Don’t give up.”

“I still can’t believe I let myself get fired.”

“You were under a lot of pressure. Bosses aren’t the most understanding people, especially in the finance business. They want you to do your work and don’t give a shit whether or not your personal life is going down the toilet. What do you expect?”

“Maybe it’s time for me to make a career change,” Andy sighed.

“Got any talents?”

“Not really,” Andy said glumly.

“Well, hang in there,” Mark said lamely, clearly not knowing how to console his friend. After a short pause, he cleared his throat. “So what are your plans on this lovely Saturday?”

Andy smirked. “Nice subject change.”

“Thanks.” Mark bowed his head.

Tugging on his hair, Andy downed his coffee making a face. “Seeing Jordan.”

Mark winced, knowing that Andy’s son wasn’t the only person Andy would have to face. “Good luck. You’ll need it.”

“Thanks a lot, man.”

“Anytime.”

******

“Hi Daddy,” Jordan said, smiling happily at his father, his round belly sticking out as he swayed from side to side.

Andy smiled and fought to keep the sadness out of it as he wrapped his son in a big hug. “Hey buddy.” He kissed Jordan’s forehead. “I missed you.”

“I misses you, too. How come you not home no more?” Jordan asked curiously.

Andy stared at the pale features of his son. Except for that fact that Andy was tanned, Jordan looked exactly like him with the same blond hair, only lighter, and big blue eyes. Seeing a miniature image of himself made him feel a huge ache in his chest.

He and his wife had separated only a month ago. After endless arguing and pleading, she had allowed him to see his child two weeks ago. Andy’s absence from the household was still new to Jordan, but it didn’t make the boy’s question any less painful for him to hear.

Lifting the boy into his arms, Andy sighed. “Mommy and I just need some time apart. To relax,” he said. “Things will be ok soon.”

Susan came to the door, handing over Jordan’s overnight pack to Andy. Her expression was dead and cold.

“Thanks,” he said. She only stared at him blankly and folded her arms across her chest. He nodded, not expecting anything more from her. Over the weeks they both had made many hurtful accusations. There was no need to rehash the issues in front of their son. “Um, I’ll have him back Monday night.”

She didn’t answer him; she gave Jordan a big kiss and turned abruptly, shutting the door behind her.

Andy sighed and stared at the blue door. He looked at Jordan who was peering curiously at him. Brushing the light blond locks, Andy kissed Jordan’s nose. He was only four, but children were surprisingly perceptive and could sense when something was off. Andy hated what this was doing to Jordan.

On one hand, he was happy to finally be free from all the lies and to live with the truth for once. However, he hadn’t taken into account the repercussions of that truth and the consequences and reactions of others.

Before he could fully revel in the afterglow of the truth, he had to clean up this mess that he had created. That could take awhile. His wife wasn’t taking it well. Neither were his in-laws. Hell, his own parents were still in shock.

Sometimes he wished he could take it all back and just go back into hiding. At least everyone he loved wouldn’t be suffering.

“Daddy loves you, Jordan. Don’t ever forget that, ok?” he said quietly.

“Ok,” was his son’s simple innocent answer. “I love Daddy. Ever and ever!”

Andy smiled genuinely for the first time that day. “Forever and ever?”

Jordan nodded emphatically, his blue eyes sparkling with love.

“You have no idea how happy that makes me sweetheart,” he whispered, feeling tears well up.

******

“What are you doing here? I’m with my son, you know that,” Andy hissed blocking the entrance into his apartment.

“I’m sorry, but there’s no other way to get in touch with you. Why won’t you call me back?” Derrick asked frowning.

“Because I’m going through a lot and I don’t really feel like talking!” Andy exclaimed.

“Did you ever think how this might affect me?” Derrick demanded, trying to edge his way inside. Andy kicked at Derrick’s foot.

“Stop it. I’m with my son and about to have dinner. Go away.”

“I can’t believe you’re being such a dick about this, Andy. I understand you’re upset…”

“Of course I’m upset! I lost my job and my wife. My parents look at me with shame, and I barely see my son anymore…”

“And that’s entirely my fault?” Derrick asked, his voice growing louder. Andy turned to make sure Jordan was occupied; he was still engrossed in the movie. “In case you forgot, to engage in sex, it usually involves two people. You weren’t exactly putting a stop to our relationship, were you? So why don’t you get off your high horse, you whiny bitch?”

Andy attempted to slam the door in his face, but Derrick shoved his forearm against it, pushing forward. Derrick had always been deceptively strong. His lean body packed a lot of muscle.

“I still care about you, Andy,” Derrick said, his voice growing soft. “I want to be there for you, but you have to let me in first.”

Andy stared into Derrick’s eyes and could tell that he was being sincere. However, Andy just wasn’t in the right state of mind. He didn’t want to start anything again with Derrick. With all the guilt and anguish he was feeling, he wouldn’t be good company. Forget about any sort of relationship.

“I’m just not ready, Derrick,” Andy said, looking down at his feet. “Listen, what we had, well, it was an attraction. You’re someone I admire, someone I wanted to be with and emulate. You’re beautiful, fun, intelligent, carefree, and confident. I guess being with you made me feel like I had some of those qualities, like I had the life I wanted,” he attempted to explain.

“But?”

“But that’s all it was,” Andy said softly. “It was good, our time together was good, but I’m not ready for anything more than that right now. You and I are in different stages of our lives. It will take a long time for me to get used to being out of the closet. I spent a lot of years lying to myself and to the people I love...my parents, my friends, my wife.”

Andy looked directly into Derrick’s bright eyes. “And eventually,” he sighed, “You will get tired of my moping. You know it. I know it. If you think about it, this is for the best for the both of us,” Andy said staring hard at him, hoping to get that point through.

He could see the struggle of emotions flit across Derrick’s attractive features.

The time they spent together wasn’t filled with long, emotional talks, strolls in the park, or long walks on the beach. Most of it was spent going to clubs, eating out, seeing movies, and exploring the joys of gay sex. There had been an instant attraction as soon as Andy had laid eyes on Derrick, with his long limbs and mischievous smile.

Sure, he would miss Derrick and his happy-go-lucky attitude; Derrick was young and beautiful and didn’t live in the real world. He had no responsibilities, no expectations, and could flit around doing anything and anyone. Andy had no such luxury, not with his son in the picture. Besides, he wasn’t that type of guy to begin with. Never had been.

“That doesn’t mean you have to shut me out of your life,” Derrick argued. The brat was used to getting his way and probably loved his control over the middle-aged, uptight Andy. “We can still talk and hangout.”

“I have enough emotional bullshit; having sex with you will only fuck me up further,” Andy said in a low voice.

“Who said anything about sex?” Derrick asked innocently. Andy shot him a look. “It’s obviously still on your mind, and you know, we were good together.” Derrick leaned in closer.

Andy hung his head. Derrick clearly didn’t understand and probably didn’t care enough to do so.

“Daddy! I’m hungry!” Jordan shouted. Andy turned his head to find Jordan stomping his foot on the couch cushion in annoyance.

“Good-bye, Derrick. I have to get my life back together. It just can’t include you. I’m sorry.” Andy closed the door quietly.

This time Derrick didn’t offer any resistance.

******

“Get the fuck out! Just get out! Get the fuck out of my house!” Susan shouted chucking her pillow, and then his pillow, at him as she clutched a blanket around herself.

Andy didn’t even attempt to cover himself. He couldn’t think straight, he felt so ashamed and so guilty.

“I’m sorry,” he choked out. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen. It wasn’t supposed to turn out this way.”

“What way was it supposed to turn out, huh?” she snarled. “Did you think about this a lot? Was there some kind of plan that you could have fucking shared with me? You bastard!”

“No, no, there was no plan. Everything just got messed up. I don’t even know how I got there. I just wanted, I just wanted-”

“What?” she yelled. “Fucking spit it out!”

“I just wanted to be free!” he shouted, having become cornered. “Free of this lie. Free of all this unhappiness.”

“Well consider it done,” she said, her jaw set, tears running down her face, her pretty features contorted in rage, hurt, and humiliation. “Get out. I don’t want you here. I can’t stand to look at you.”

This time Andy had chest pains when he woke up. He rubbed his chest, feeling the tightness. Coughing slightly, he threw off the covers and wiped his sweat off the backs of his legs. “Gross,” he muttered.

At least this particular flashback didn’t consist of him screaming. That would have definitely alarmed Jordan.

Andy automatically got up to check on Jordan. Seeing that his son was still sound asleep, his limbs all over the place under the covers, Andy decided to take a quick shower and then start working on breakfast. Next, he’d have to figure out the rest of the day. It was literally one day at a time for him. He really couldn’t think beyond that point.

“Daddy?”

Andy blinked and looked down to see a cute face with messy blond hair staring up at him. How long had he been standing in his room? He frowned and crouched down so he was eye level with Jordan.

“Morning sunshine.”

“Hi Daddy,” Jordan chirped.

Andy chuckled. Having a cheerful child in the house would definitely help his mood.

“When did you wake up?” he asked.

“Now, silly!” Jordan giggled. “Duh!”

Andy smiled and scooped Jordan up. “Hungry?”

“Yuppers!”

Laughing, Andy plopped Jordan on the counter top. “What do you feel like eating munchkin pie?” He pinched Jordan’s little button nose.

Jordan kicked his legs and laughed. “Food!” he cheered waving his arms in the air.

“Duh!” Andy shot back jokingly. “What kind of food?”

Jordan cocked his head as he looked up at the ceiling. He hummed as he thought about it. Andy propped his face in his hands, staring at his beautiful child. “I don’t know,” Jordan said frowning.

Andy kissed his son on the lips briefly. “That’s ok; I will think of something. You just sit here and watch.”

He figured simple was good until he could acquire some basic cooking skills. Scrambled eggs and toast with peanut butter and jelly were safe foods--ones that Jordan would enjoy no matter what.

They sat side by side munching on their breakfast, Andy sipping coffee and Jordan chugging juice. Andy smiled as he poured Jordan another glass.

Watching his son devour breakfast, Andy was suddenly hit with a wave of sadness. Would it be this way from now on? Seeing his son only on weekends? Having to negotiate time to be with Jordan? It wasn’t right.

Andy’s shoulders sagged. For the billionth time since the whole ordeal began, he felt profound regret and wished he could have kept his desires under control. He could have, if only he had tried harder. That was what the problem was; he wasn’t strong enough. It was entirely his fault. It was his weakness that made him lose his son, his family.

He was tempted to cry, but would not do so in front of Jordan. He would not break down in front of his son. He would not let his innocent child see him in pain.

“Hey buddy?” Andy cleared his throat. Jordan looked up at him with his big blue eyes and Andy could not help smiling. “Why don’t you watch some TV while I go shower?” He carried Jordan’s plate to the living room. Once Jordan was settled in front of the TV and eating his breakfast, Andy found solace in the shower.

The hot water hit his aching back. The steam billowed around his face, suffocating him. It felt good--not being able to breathe. It was soothing. He deserved to suffocate.

“Why am I this way?” he whispered. “Why did I turn out this way? What did I do?”

Andy covered his face with his hands and cried, his tears mixing with the water.

He cried until the water ran cold.

******

Dropping Jordan off was torture. At least with his son around, he had someone else to focus on, to attend to someone else’s needs. Alone again, Andy was left with his own demons, and the oppressive loneliness that followed him like a shadow.

He hugged Jordan for nearly five minutes. Jordan was squirming to get free by that point. “See you Friday, ok?”

Jordan nodded, kissed Andy’s cheek, and ran into the house, the house that used to be Andy’s home. Andy stared at the front door long after Jordan had disappeared inside.

Back at Mark’s house, Andy saw the blinking red light of his answering machine. The first one was Mark checking up on him and mentioning some company that was hiring. The second one was his mother.

“Hi Andrew. This is your mother.”

Andy snorted. “No fucking shit. Like I don’t recognize your voice?” he muttered.

“I just wanted to see how you were doing. Your father and I haven’t heard from you. We’re a bit worried. Please call us back as soon as you can? We’d like to have dinner with you and just,” she paused. “Talk.”

Andy rolled his eyes and listened to her ramble on about what dates were best to have dinner before she abruptly said goodbye.

The third message was from his father. His gruff voice made Andy freeze.

“Andy, your mother called. She wants to see you. Call us back. We’d like to know how you’re doing.” There was a pause and Andy wondered if he just hung up. “We want to make sure you’re ok.”

Andy heard the worry in his father’s voice and briefly felt reassured. At least his parents didn’t hate him.

He started dialing his parent’s number, but stopped at the last digit. This was the worst part; the hesitancy. In the past, he had never been hesitant to call his parents. He had taken it for granted--the fact that could randomly call his parents and talk about the day or the weather.

Now he felt scared and tense at the prospect of speaking with them. This only emphasized the change in their relationship, the change in how they viewed him. It was a reminder of how he messed up by being weak and letting his desires overcome what was important.

But wasn’t his happiness important too?

Andy was suddenly filled with rage and chucked the phone at the wall. The banging sound was music to his ears. He was breathing hard. He stared around the living room, not really registering anything.

“What do you want from me?” he yelled. “What do you fucking want from me?” he shouted at the phone. “Am I different now? Am I not the same son you’ve had all these years? Am I a bad person now?”

Hot tears coursed down his cheeks as he fell to his knees. The wooden floor made him grimace in discomfort.

He banged his fists on the floor, ignoring the pain and the bruising. His shoulders shook as he gasped for air, his lungs constricted as he cried.

“Am I a bad person now?” Andy sobbed. Curling into a ball, he wiped his nose. “I’m no different now. I’m no different. Am I?”

Thanks Frances for editing! And a special thanks to my beta-readers.