If Furniture Could Talk - 5. Dwayne The Davenport

“What in the actual fu..”

“Hey, idiots! You’re supposed to clean up spills on leather right away.”

They can’t hear me, I don’t know why I even try. Oh, geez. Is that what I think it is?

“Help! Help! Please? Somebody jizzed on me. Anyone?”

Fuck!

“Cmon, vacuum cleaner. You like to suck.”

“If that’s what you think it is, no fucking way I suck that up unless one of the bearded assholes force me to. For how often they clean the cat hair out of me, nothing’s for free.”

“What about me? They hardly ever use you on me. Geez. Everyone always walks all over me.”

“You’re a fucking carpet. It’s your job.”

“Shut up, sofa. You and your six fat feet bend me all to hell whenever you move.”

“Sofa? Who are you calling a sofa, you fucking throw away rug? I’m a Davenport. Dwayne The Davenport.”

“That’s throw rug.”

“Throw up rug is more like it. Who picked your colors?”

“Everybody shut up. I’m getting a call.”

Dwayne didn’t shut up, “Yeah, the world revolves around you, phone.”

“I won’t tell you what the other side says.”

“Shutting up now.”

Phone repeats or paraphrases everything the other party says.

“Hello?”

“Hello, Vince. Is Richard there?”

“Oh, hi Mrs. Hofmann. Yeah, Richard’s here. Hold on a second.”

Vinnie put his hand over the mouthpiece, “Little Dickie, your mom is on the phone.”

“Stop it. She hasn’t called me that in years, and you know it.”

“But it’s fun.”

“Shut it… Hi mom, what’s going on?”

Richard listens for a minute and thinks to himself, ‘She can never just say what she wants to say, always a friggin’ preamble.’

“Among other things, she says she’s coming over.”

“The place is a mess. Do you have to come over today?”

Another pause.

“She says she’s in town, coming over now, not to worry about the mess. I guess that means you’re out of luck, Dwayne.”

“Now! What do you mean, now?”

Richard rolls his eyes, then they pop open wide, “Five minutes?”

“She said she could be here in five minutes.”

Richard is pacing the floor now, another thing carpet hates, “Yeah, okay. See you in a few.”

“Aw how cute, she says she loves him.”

“Get dressed, Vinnie. She was visiting my Aunt Carol. She’s coming right over.”

“Great. Another lecture on how I’m not a good enough housekeeper for you. Maybe I’ll just let her stumble upon me naked.”

“You wouldn’t?”

“Of course not, you moron.”

Richard and Vinnie leave the living room to go put clothes on.

Dwayne observed, “Well, I have one consolation. She won’t sit her fat ass down on me with that stain there. Oooh, I might even get cleaned before it sets in.”

Three minutes after Richard hung up, the doorbell rang. ‘Geez, she can’t even tell time right.’

“Vinnie, she’s here.”

“So? She’s your mother.”

“Asshole. Get out here.”

Vinnie arrived and they went to the door together.

“Hi, mom.”

“Hello, Mother H.”

She hugs them both but kisses Richard on the cheek.

Dwayne didn’t want to see that, “Oh, gross.”

“Hello, boys. How have you been?”

They both reply, “Fine.”

Dwayne threw in his two cents, “I’m not fine, I’ve got jizz on me, but does anybody care?”

Carpet replied, “No. Shut up. We want to listen to them.”

“Everybody’s always telling me to shut up. Wow!”

The coffee table joins the fray, “Because you never do.”

“Hmmmmff.”

Mrs. H observed, “I see Vincent is still in charge of housekeeping.”

“Yes. Three minutes isn’t a lot of time to do much when you have to get dressed first.”

“I know what’s hiding behind that statement, Vincent. You’re such a nasty man. I don’t know what you ever saw in him, Richard.”

“I know when I’m not wanted. Enjoy your visit, Rick.”

Vinnie turns around to walk away and catches his first glimpse of the sofa.

“You should at least offer your mother a coffee, and let her sit on the couch.”

Vinnie snickers as he leaves the room.

Noticing the stain, Rick tries to prevent his mother from looking that way, “Do you want a coffee, mom?”

“No, I’ll just sit on— What is that?”

“Coffee creamer, mom.”

She took a closer look, “Outside the bedroom? You do that nasty thing with that pervert out here?”

“It’s not nasty, and he’s not—“

“Your father, God rest his soul, and me never did that outside of our bedroom even once.”

Rick was tired of hearing his mother belittle Vinnie, “You must have had one hell of a honeymoon, then. You spent it in a hotel room, right?”

“Well, I never—“

Rick pushed his mother down into the couch, she landed exactly where he hoped, “Well, maybe you should try it!”

Dwayne reacted, “Oof. That hurt. I think she broke a spring. No, two.”

“You… You pushed me right into—“

“The coffee creamer, right.”

“Get me a towel.”

“For what?”

“I’m leaving and I’m not sitting directly on the E450’s seat with that on my derriere.”

Rick went to get a towel, handing out roughly to his mother.

“I thought you weren’t as bad as HIM, but I guess I was wrong.”

“So it seems. Bye mom.”

“I’ll have you know, you not only ruined my slacks, but my visit to your Uncle Lloyd’s.”

“A: It washes out, and B: Uncle Lloyd won’t care. He’s gay too.”

“He is not. Now you’re just trying to be mean.”

“Who do you think took me to my first gay bar when I turned twenty-one?”

“That pervert you married. He corrupted you.”

“Rick was there, but we were just friends back then. Uncle Lloyd paid for drinks and took part in all the festivities.”

“Well!”

Mom stormed out the door.

Vinnie came in from around the corner, laughing, “Wow! You really told her. You didn’t really push her into the—“

Rick turned and motioned to the couch, “What do you think?”

“Shit. The cum is gone, you really did.”

“I gotta call Uncle Lloyd, let him know I outed him to mom.”

As before, phone relayed the far side of the conversation for the rest of the inanimate residents of the living room.

“He said hello.”

“Hi, Uncle Lloyd, it’s Rick.”

“Oh, hey Rick, how you doing?”

“I’m good. I, um, called to apologize in advance. Mom and I had a fight—“

“What about? Vinnie?”

“Yeah, among other things. I kind of outed you to her. I’m sorry.”

“She knows. She just won’t accept it. I’m sure until you got married you heard all her comments about settling down, finding a nice girl, et cetera. I’m single, older than her, and I still hear it.

“I still do too, although now it’s ‘Divorce that pervert and find a nice girl.’ You know how she is.”

“Yeah, well don’t sweat the non-outing. Anything else?”

“Um yeah. She was going to visit you too, but she kind of fell into a moist stain on the couch, if you catch my drift.”

“Oh, man. I’d pay a bundle to have seen that. She go ballistic?”

“Kind of. I’ll see if my Wyze camera caught it; send you the clip if it did. So, I don’t know if she’ll show up or not.”

“I’ll be sure to tell her it looks like she lost weight in her behind if she does.”

“She might never talk to you again.”

“In that case, I’ll ask what the stain is.”

“You’re bad. I’ll talk to you again soon.”

“Bye, Rick.”

Mother H. did eventually visit Lloyd that day, but not after she drove twenty minutes out of her way to change and throw away the slacks and Rick’s towel.

Dwayne had a closing remark for his pals in the living room, “Whatever her pants were made of, they did an awesome job soaking up the jizz!”

The End