Tales of the Underground: Velocity - 38. Chapter 38

Under Ground Aliases

The Reaper- Jamie Free

Velocity- Elijah Warren

Gears- Jacob Palmer

Gizmo- Matty Sanders

*The boys use these to guarantee no one outside the underground finds their real identities*

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It’s weird, I never thought I would be so lost for words yet here I am. For some odd reason I couldn’t move my eyes off the white blank ceiling, I guess I just didn’t want to. Eli placed his head back on my chest but I didn’t bother embracing him. It felt as though my brain that was once so good at overanalyzing and planning had finally stopped.

“Alright fine” he said “let’s go for a walk’

“No Eli” I mumbled

“Yes Jamie” he mocked “You need air, light, color, sound, all that great stuff. It’ll help you a lot, trust me. It’s like when you get stitches in hockey, if you don’t get back on the ice during your next shift you may never want to again. You just have to keep on moving remember? How about that time when…” his words turned into a ringing in my ears and my focus stayed on the blank ceiling. Suddenly I felt him pulling on my arm “come on!” he yelled refusing to stop “Let’s go, no is not an answer!”

“Ughhhhh fine” I sat up and for a second everything spun “If it’ll make you stop talking”

“Good” Eli said proud of himself. He helped me to my feet and we headed down the stairs and towards the door “Mom we’re going for a walk around the block!” he screeched

“Okay, be safe and don’t stay out for too long!” she yelled back

Eli gripped my hand and pulled me along the stone pathway, down his driveway and onto the sidewalk. “Why did I let you leave the house in an undershirt?” he teased. I shrugged but didn’t say anything “This will pass, I promise.”

“How do you know that?” I muttered

“Because, I went through it once before. It takes time, and effort but you can beat it. Hopefully you’re not even depressed or anything, you know sometimes you can break out into episodes of bad sadness and still be fully okay when you come out of it?”

“What are you a dr?” I asked. His smile and happy eyes finally started to influence me a bit.

“Yup” he teased “Believe it or not I was really depressed when I first came out. I guess it just felt like everyone was rejecting me, but I held on and as time passed by things got better. Steph and some of her friends started to get close to me, and then some time later you came back into my life.”

“I’m sorry” I couldn’t stand to look at him while he was talking, the shame and guilt was just too much.

“Stop” he insisted “For the last time stop apologizing about that. We were just dumb kids. The important thing is you’re here with me now.”

“How is it fair that you’re here to try and fix me now, but when you needed me I failed you completely?” I argued “I don’t deserve you, why can’t you see that? You can do so much better, you’re the lightest liveliest soul I’ve ever met, yet you constantly let me drag you down.”

“Opposites attract” he teased “Why can’t you see that I CHOSE this.” He emphasized “I wanted this, I wanted you. Ever since we were kids I’ve just wanted to be with you. Are we different? YES! But god I can’t live without you. Yes, you’re not perfect but you know exactly who and what you are. Why can’t you see that’s exactly what I need in my life? You’re the bad to my good, sure I get mad…I get downright furious when you slip up but you are MINE Jamie! You are mine!” he pulled me in close “I love you so much more than I thought possible. You know last night after that whole thing. I went home and cried about the thought of losing you. I just can’t handle that idea. Life without you…I don’t know what it would be like” he admitted

I took a deep breath and let it out “Well after this week you won’t have to worry about me and racing anymore.”

“You sure that’s what you really want?”

“I don’t” I sighed

“Why not?” I could tell Eli was playing devil’s advocate in hopes of helping me out of the funk.

“I just feel guilty. I have this chance to give my sisters a decent life. A life where they can be just like everyone else wear nice clothing, eat good food, go on normal family vacations…that kinda stuff. On top of it all I’m good Eli, I’m finally really good at something. I could’ve been something. ”

“You are something” Eli reinforced “Maybe you can race a safe way from now on. Like in a real league, hell you’ve made it this far illegally, who’s to say you can’t beat legal racers. As for your sisters, it’s hard but supplying them with things, it’s not your responsibility. You’re as much of a kid as them.”

“How could I race professionally? How would I even have the time or money for that?”

He looked at me a giggled a little “You found a way to race illegally with scumbags, you’re one of the most creative and persistent people I’ve ever met. You’ll find a way, you always do.”

For the first time all day I let out a small smile and rammed into him “You’re cute. I don’t think I tell you that enough”

“Trust me you do” he said pushing me back “How in the world did we ever get here?”

I shrugged my shoulders “I guess I got lucky for once”

“That you did” he teased “You ever think about how dysfunctional our family is going to be?”

“ughhhhh” I let out unsure what to say

“Oh come on” he pushed “You don’t think about what our family could be like when we grow up?”

“Not really” I said uncomfortable with the conversation

He started swaying our hands “Maybe adopt a few sons of our own, teach them hockey, and get them to the NHL. You know the basics.”

“Ahhh the basics” I mocked pretending to catch on

“See, I told you a walk would help” he said smiling “It would also help if you came to my game tonight.”

“Help me or you?” I teased

“Both” he shot back. His smile was enough to at least ignite a small one of my face.

“Do you think your dad will ever like me again?” I asked diverting the subject to one of the few thoughts bouncing around my still quiet mind.

The smile faded from Eli’s face “Who knows. Maybe. If it’s ever going to happen today was definitely a right step towards it.”

“You realize he’s not lying to you when he says I’m a dead end right?” I sighed “I could easily work out being another white trash nobody.”

“No, you’ll be my white trash nobody” Eli said pulling me close once more “Besides you can be the househusband, I’ll have the job”

“And that will be?” I teased knowing the answer

“1^st line center for the devils” we said at the same time.

He flashed a golden smile and pushed me away jokingly “Do we really know each other that well?”

“Yup” I answered as we finally looped back around to his street. “I’m sorry I called you broken”

Eli made a face and tilted his head “What?”

“You know, a few months ago during lunch.” That moment has stuck with me ever since. Sometimes I doubt it will ever leave me.

“You’re still hung up on that?” he asked confused by my sudden blast to the past

“Kinda, I just get flashes of all the terrible things I’ve ever said, you know? It’s like the past is haunting me” I admitted

“No wonder you’re so upset today then. Jamie” he said forcing me to look into his icey eyes “you have to forget about the past. It’s well…the past. Focus on your future, it’s bright, I just know it.”

“How?” I grumbled returning to my numb state

“Because I’m a part of it” he joked “ But more importantly because it’s YOUR future. Like I said before, you’ve never been normal. Just because you’re underground racing days are coming to an end doesn’t mean you’ll become normal. You’ll find a way to still make me bald by age 20”

“If you ever go bald I’ll cry” I said running my hand through his hair “Will you ever grow it out like I want you to?”

“Never” he said swatting my hand away “It’s the perfect length now. I hate long hair” he said shifting his hand to clean up my messy hair.

“Well unfortunately for you, I’ll never cut my hair” I teased.

Finally we arrived back at his house. I climbed on my bike and turned towards him. “I’m gonna go home, change and drive to the rink. I’ll see you there.”

Eli began rubbing my back “Are you going to be okay on your own?”

“I don’t know” I admitted “But I’m gonna have to find out sooner or later.”

He nodded “You’ll give me a ride home like usual right?”

“Well, my dad will” I winked

“Of course, just like he has been for this whole season” Eli laughed keeping up the charade we had been selling his parents.

I looked into his eyes and took a deep breathe. He leaned into kiss me but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, not in this state.

“Man the tables have turned since last night” he joked trying to make light out of the situation

“I wish we were never in this spot in the first place” I said starting to peddle away “I love you”

“Love you too” I heard him scream out

The further I got away from Eli the more my mind seemed to fog up. Biking turned into more of a chore then a fun way to get to and from home. I found myself barely peddling. Once more time slowed down and things seemed as if they were moving in slow motion. All the different sights and sounds blurred together. I have no idea how I got back to my house, but I have never been so thankful to be home. I peddled halfway up the cracked driveway before letting my bike fall into the side of the house. I moseyed my way to the front door, took a deep breath and made my way in the crammed house. Just like before the noise of my surroundings turned into a loud ringing in my ears. I heard a few of my sisters call my name, or try and latch onto me but I pushed them off and pretended they weren’t there. As I walked up to my bedroom door I felt my heart rate return to the abnormal rate. I closed my eyes and tried to get the sensation to fade, but this time it seemed to warn me of something. Frustrated I slammed my door open and found Jess sitting on my bed cradling my shoes from the night before.

“Aren’t you supposed to be at work” I groaned

“My shift ended an hour ago” she sighed “I heard the rumors. I know what you did last night.”

“I don’t know what you think I do in my free time, but Jess I really can’t handle this conversation right now.” I argued trying to get her to leave

“Why do you have to lie to me?” she said with sadness in her voice “You can never just admit when you’re wrong, there’s always some type of excuse or reasoning with you. You can never just accept your punishment.”

“Jess, I really can’t with all of this right now” I pleaded knowing my mental strength was being stretched thinner by the moment.

“You can’t?!” She cried out “My baby brother shot someone last night. My baby brother has been out there hospitalizing people. I’ve heard that you’ve even killed someone.”

“For the last time I have no idea…”

Jess tilted my sneakers so that the bottoms were facing me. On the bottom of the right shoe laid a deep red blood mark “Explain your way out of this Jamie” she said with tears growing in her eyes “You could have killed that kid”

I snatched my sneakers out of her hands and threw them to the floor “Get the hell out of my room!” I shouted “Get out!”

“Jamie…”

“No get out!” I cried “I said I can’t handle this right now. Do you have any idea the shit that’s been weighing down on me these past few months? You don’t think I know what I’m capable of? You don’t think I’m fucking terrified?” the sadness turned to a rage “You don’t get to sit there and lecture me about this. Everything I’ve done, every sacrifice I’ve made, was for you and the girls! I’ve put my soul on the line just to try and give you guys a better life.” As the anger overcame me, my vision started to spin and I fell to the floor. Jess rushed over to try and help me but I pushed her away. “I can’t anymore. I can’t with any of this. I just…I just need to be normal again” For what seemed like no reason at all I began to violently shake. “I can’t handle this” I finally admitted “I’ve been saying I can but I can’t, I can’t I can’t”

“Jamie…” she said at a loss for words. I could tell she had no idea what to do “Do you want me to call dad? Or Elijah? Or anyone?”

“No” I blurted out “It’ll pass. There’s no reason to get either of them worried. Just leave me alone.”

“I can’t…not with you in this shape.” I could see a combination of worry and sorrow engulf her “What am I supposed to do here?”

“Nothing” I answered “Just listen and leave me alone. I just need to rest then go to Eli’s game. I just need to be near him.” I could see she wasn’t calming down “This will all be over soon” I reassured her “This will all be over soon” I told myself

Still panicked but with no idea what to do she got up, rubbed my head and left the room. I crawled up to my bed laid down, and let my phone play out all the music on it. At some point I fell asleep. Just like earlier that day I woke up in a panic but remembered Eli’s advice. I let the cold sadness engulf me. I got changed into more appropriate clothing and quietly navigated my way through the house, and out to my car. As I pulled out of my driveway I did my best to distract my numbing mind. I’m going to see Eli I told myself. I’ll feel better when I’m with him. The drive to the rink was the fastest I’ve ever driven outside of a race. It’s a miracle I didn’t get pulled over. I pulled into the lot knowing I was late, and rushed into the building. As I walked into the bleachers I saw Jacob wave me over to sit with him and Stephanie but pretended not too. Besides ever since Stephanie found out that I’m the Reaper she hasn’t said two words to me. I swear she’s scared to even be near me. I have no idea how her and Jacob are even still dating.

The game went by in the blink of an eye. For the first time in my life I just couldn’t track the puck. I felt so lost watching the game play out. Something I love so much, for the first time felt so foreign to me. I hardly remember any of the goals, not even one of Eli’s 2. I couldn’t tell you who won or lost, or who played better. Everything was just one big blur. It felt as though my consciousness was falling apart. When the game ended I took my normal spot in the lobby and waiting on the edge of my seat for Eli to get out. When I finally saw him I felt the weight on my shoulders release. I ran up and wrapped my arms around him.

“Hello to you too” he said laughing, but the second he got a good look at me his smile faded “I take it you’re not feeling any better”

“I am now” I said hanging onto him tightly. We stood there for a minute until my mind seemed to clear up a bit.

“Better?” he asked letting go

“Better” I admitted.

A smile crept across his face as he noticed how much I needed him “You really do need me huh?”

“No” I shamefully lied

“Jamie” he pushed

“maybe…I can’t do this by myself” I mumbled “I need you”

He leaned over and gave me a kiss on the top of the head “You don’t need to do it by yourself, I’m right here”

Once more I felt relief wash over me, and we made our way to the door.

“Eli Warren?” I heard a small voice cry out from behind us.

We both turned to see a kid standing behind us. Well maybe not a kid, but he was definitely young. He stood a few inches smaller then Eli and had perfectly clean cut dark black hair. His jarring blue eyes seemed to pierce right through us both. “Yes?” Eli asked trying to figure out if the two had met before.

“I’m Aidan” the boy said extending his hand, unsure Eli reached out and shook “Aidan Taylor but they’ve started to call me Static around here” I narrowed my eyes and stared at him, I swear I’ve heard that name before “ I’m a mixed martial arts fighter, and I’m ugh…gay” I watched him shift from his left foot to his right foot with discomfort. Finally it clicked. This was the kid Jason has been telling me about. According to him this kids good, no not just good…downright amazing.

“Oh I think I’ve heard of you” Eli said making polite conversation “How can I help you?”

“I just wanted to say that I think it’s really cool that you’re gay and an athlete. Not that you can’t be…just that you know…you are” a red blush formed on his face and we both couldn’t help but laugh at his clear crush on Eli. “You’re kinda like a role model…like a hero to me” he drifted off. He opened his mouth again but Eli cut him off before he could rant once more

“Thank you! I’ve never been told that before” Eli said fully appreciating the gesture “I didn’t know I was really leading the way for anyone or anything. I just go out there and you know, play my game.” Eli looked him up from bottom to top “What grade are you in?”

“I’m an 8^th grader, I’m about to graduate at the end of this year, then I’m gonna be in the high school you guys go to.” His eyes drifted to me but immediately drifted away.

“Oh real cool!” Eli said supporting his young fan “This is my boyfriend Jamie” I reached out and shook Aidan’s now trembling hand “Maybe when you get to high school next year we can show you around the school, kinda like a tour.”

“Really?” Aiden jumped with excitement “I mean that would be really nice” he said trying to play it off

“Yup, promise” Eli said with a smile.

“Okay, sounds like a plan” His smile grew across his face, I looked into his blue eyes and immediately got flashbacks to young Eli. “Well I’ll leave you both alone now, thank you guys” he stuttered unsure how to end it, and just like that he was gone.

“Well that was cute” I teased “Guess you’re gonna leave me for him now”

“Oh god” Eli rolled his eyes “If I ever date someone like that…just kill me. He seemed like a nice kid, but just look at him hes so new*.”

I nodded along “He’ll make some other dude very happy one day though” I said thinking about a younger version of me out there, looking for his other half. Just hang on little me. Your missing piece is coming.

Eli gave me a good shove and we both laughed the whole encounter off. I guess it was all a good reminder of how lucky I am to have Eli. Only 16 and he’s already leaving his impact on the world. I have so much to learn from him, starting with how to mend my relationship with my family.

*New- in New Jersey the phrase new is used in towns that have both rich and poor sections. The term refers to the rich kids who always wear the nicest clothes, or have the newest electronics. It very common for these kids to not grasp what real life is like, or the hardships they will face.