It Wasn't Me - 15. Like there is no free will in it

I was making out with Mario Lopez…in my head. In reality it was Amber Cross. I starting to mastered being able to kiss girls…but there was more. Amber was one those "easy" girls that wore slutty clothes and "did more than kissing". I didn't realized what that meant until Amber started rubbing her hand against my crotch. I didn't know what to do…and it wasn't really a "bad" feeling, so I did nothing. The real problem was when she grabbed my hand and placed it one of her boobs. My mind was freaking out, but I couldn't runaway that would look worst.

So I…this is going to sound real creepy…I tried to keep pretending it was a hot guy. I shut my eyes even tighter and started lightly squeezing it.

Amber pulled back from the kiss, "This is so hot.'

I faked laughed, "Yea." I nodded "This is good. Really good."

She started kissing me again while she unbuttoned and unzipped my pants. Then she grabbed my hand again and placed it not just under her shirt but under her bra.

It felt so weird touching her boob. It was squishy and sweaty (and not in that hot sexy way). So…I just held it, while Amber continued to give me a hand job.

This wasn't going to be the last time.

%%%%

"I think you should enter."

"I don't know Tony." I took a sip of orange juice, "A poetry contest? Really?"

He put down his coffee cup, "Yea, really. There's a nice cash prize, and you can win a computer. Plus a sense of accomplishment."

"Like I would actually win."

"I think you could. I think its at least worth entering."

I just lowered my head.

"Hunter, I really think we should go through your book and enter something."

I shot him a dirty look, "Don't you dare touch my book again." I threatened.

He nodded, "I'm not going to look at it without your consent. But I would be more than happy to help you fix those little spelling and grammar mistakes. And I could help you with some of that awkward wording and expanded some vocabulary. Come on…at least think about it."

I put my hand to forehead and pushed back some of my hair. "I'll think about it"

Then the phone rang. I ran to the phone and cheered, "Hi dad."

"Hey son."

There was a knock on the door. Donovan got up and got it.

"So dad how are you gotta celebrate you birthday?"

“Nothin I’m just foolin with a waitress at this truck stop.”

I took a breath to swallow my anger, "Oh that's great…so are you coming home soon?"

I turned around to see Matt holding a video camera. I gave him a nod and a waved then went back to my conversation.

"I don't think so son"

"That's okay dad, I understand" I lied it was not okay.

"I gotta go boy"

"What?"

He already hung up.

I dropped on the couch disappointed.

Matt sat down next to me, "Did he say when he was coming to see you?"

I shook my head, "No, but he said that he can't wait to. I would like for him to see how I'm doing."

"Well maybe he can" Donovan hinted.

I stared at him, "What?"

He explained, "Edwards has a camera. You can make a tape of yourself."

"Yea Jamie, we can go to your old building and talk to some of your family. And I'll tape it." Matt urged.

"The Hunter family on tape…" That was scary thought. I knew that this would not be good. But they already looked excited about it. Matt was even doing that cute excited face. And it would be a fun for my dad's birthday so… "It'll be great."

I agreed to it.

%%%%

"We'll start with my uncle Joe. Out of all my relatives he's the friendliest."

I knocked on my uncle's door.

"Get lost" A voice screamed.

"Maybe we shouldn't bother your uncle." Matt whispered.

I knocked on the door again, "Uncle Joe."

"Go away." He hollered.

Oh how could forget. The people in my family lived in fear of getting picked up by cops. They wouldn't open their doors that easily.

"It's James your nephew."

“James?”

I hated this.

“Jimmy. It’s Jimmy.”

He opened the door "Jimmy" he greeted. Then looked over at Matt filming.

"What's with the camera?" He went on the attack.

"No, No" I reassured him, This is friend Matt"

"Hi" Matt nervously waved.

Joe towered over him.

"Thanks Uncle Joe, I'm glad you doing this." I cheered turning the attention from Matt. "Well why don't call everyone together and we'll get started."

"Hunter's out now" Joe called out.

"It wasn’t me" voices cried out.

I started laughing "That's our family motto."

%%%%%%

We were having fun filming Uncle Joe, Aunt Sue, and some others (even Stacy said a few words). The family seemed to like Matt. Nobody tried to stab him. Nobody tried to offer him "a great deal". And only two tried to steal his wallet.

Matt turned the camera off and thanked everyone. He put his hand on my shoulder. "So is there anyone else you want to talk to."

"Nop" I replied.

Then I heard a crude voice, "Lookie here it's Jimmy"

I hated being called Jimmy.

I knew exactly who it was. It was the person I wanted to avoid more than anything. But it was too late to hide, so I turned around and smirked, "Hey Bobby."

I moved in front of Matt, hoping to that Bobby wouldn't see him.

Bobby spit out his tobacco, "So you gotta move back or something?"

I quickly shook head "No, I'm happy where I am."

He started to step closer to me, "Oh yea, in some fancy dancey apartment." Then he noticed Matt, "Hey Shelley Temple."

Matt grabbed my shoulder, "me?"

"You got a name?"

Matt swallowed, "…Matthew or…Matt …or whatever dude."

Bobby then turned to the tripod, "nice camera" he smirked, "What's you doin with it?"

Matt grabbed it.

I shielded Matt again, "Just a little tape of the family."

"And you didn't ask me do be in it?"

Matt whispered in my ear, "I have space on the tape if…"

'No." I silenced him. I didn't want Matt to have anything to with Bobby.

"So you would do that do your big brother?" Bobby smudged.

"Bobby I'm not bothering anybody, so just get lost."

He got close to my face and whispered, "No. See I live here and you faggots don't, so you and your boyfriend should get lost."

I can't believe he said that. And he said it right in front of Matt. My blood went cold. My mind started shaking.

But I puffed up and I stepped up to his face and whispered back, "He's not boyfriend because I'm not a fucking fag, for the last time."

"What?" Matt bit in. "What are you guys talking about?"

"Don't pay any attention to him." I grabbed Matt's arm and pulled both of us out of there.

"Jamie, what’s the matter?" Matt kept repeating as I dragged him.

It wasn't until we got in front of his house that I finally responded, "What?"

He noticed the shaking in my voice. "Jamie, are you okay? What just happened back there? What’s with you and your brother?”

"Half-brother" I corrected, and then I took a breath. "Sorry, he's just not worth talking about. Listen Matt, Bobby is full of shit. I'm really tired so good night."

He wrapped his arms around me. I couldn’t admit back then, but I loved it when he hugged me. I embraced him back and breathe in the moment.

%%%

The next day of school I walked up to Matt's locker, acting like nothing happened. But he didn't want to play that game.

"Can you please tell me what's wrong?" He demanded.

I rolled my eyes, "About last night? Look I'm sorry"

"Why were you acting like that?" He asked.

"It just happened" I smirked.

He threw his hands up, "You just dragged me out of there. And now you won't tell me why?"

"I was doing you a favor. Nothing is wrong" I said. I didn't want to fight him, so I tried to walk away.

Then he grabbed my arm. "I'm your best friend. Please let me in."

"Shut up and let go me" I mumbled.

He asked, "Why are you acting like this?"

"I said let go of me." I roared back.

"Fine." He smirked dropping my arm.

Then I shoved him. I tackled him, ignoring the whole "touching bodies" thing. I didn't realize that Matt had gotten so strong until he slammed me against the lockers. I tried to fight back by pulling his hair and pushing on his shoulders, but oh wow. My back hit the tile floor. Matt's body was on top of mine.

I felt this inner conflict burning inside of me. I wanted to win the fight, yet I kind of...sort of…liked being…under him. I try to push him off. We used to play wrestle when we kids, but…things were different. For one there was no longer a major height difference I used to be taller. And two…my waist was in between his legs…and well "other things" were growing.

Then I suddenly felt his weight being lifted off of me. Then my own body was being pulled off the ground. I realized Donovan was holding my arms. I looked over to see another teacher holding Matt's.

"Hunter" Donovan yelled, "Edwards."

I pushed him off. "I'm out for here" I tried to walk away, but Donovan grabbed me by the collar. "We need to go talk"

%%%

I sat on top of the desk where Alfreda sat in class while Donovan graded his papers.

"So you have an older brother?"

"Half-brother" I corrected, "And I have two and one half-sister…my dad apparently doesn't know how to use to condom."

"That's a bit harsh."

I nodded, "I know it's just…" I threw my hands up, "Bobby just makes me so angry, that I hate thinking about us being related."

"Why he does he make you so mad?"

I leaned back, "well…he's a criminal…but the thing with that is he's the kind of criminal that thinks everybody else around him has to be criminal…like there is no free will in it. Do you get what I mean?"

Donovan nodded.

"And last night he called Matt and I something and I just…"

"What did he call you?"

"Um…" I lowered my head. I didn't want to mention the word; I knew well enough that would it lead to some questions that I didn't want to answer. "Um…he was making fun of us for being middle class and stuff."

He nodded. "Oh."

"I'm…I'm scared might end up that Tony."

"Really?"

I nodded, "He always says that 'I'm trying to be better than him' and…" I put my hands on my forehead.

"Hunter?"

"The truth is…is that it's true. I wanted to be better than him." I pushed back my hair, "I…I…" I took out my black notebook and took the two steps toward Donovan's desk.

"Which poem do you think should I enter?"