It Wasn't Me - 3. Chapter 3- That's a kiss?

I got my first stand of facial hair, my dad was so proud.

The two of us were standing at the bathroom minor gazing the small brown hair above my lips.

"You're starting to become a man," He smiled. "Next you’re picking up girls left and right. Just like your old man."

"Picking up girls?" I asked.

I always knew dad that a way with women, I mean I had probably hundred half siblings running around. I knew of the two that were living in the building, Stacy, the smoker teen mom and Bobby drunken criminal. I also heard I had a brother named Jake, but he lived with his mom and his rich stepdad in some mansion. Anyway I knew what picking up girls meant to him, but wasn't sure what that meant me.

"Yea, you'll defiantly be a ladies' man, got the Hunter looks." He said putting his hand lightly on my shoulder and smiled at himself in the minor. Despite the going gray hair and beer gut, he didn't look half bad sober.

"Yea, you're about to enter a new world. Growing into a new body. And you gotta get a lot…'nice' feelings." he laughed.

"What you mean 'nice' feelings?" I asked with a little laugh.

"Like when you kiss a girl your wiener is gotta to exploded."

I grabbed my crotch protectively and stared at him "What?"

Dad laughed "No, no boy your wiener won't really explode, it will just…well feel like it."

"What?" I asked even more confused.

He paused as if he thinking about what to say, "Son… when you and girls start kissing, touching, and whatever," He tried to explain. "You're going to feel like you in a dry desert and like you'll weak enough to faint."

He smiled like it was some great thing.

"Dessert? Faint? How is that good?" I debated.

He dropped his head, "It's hard to really explain son…just kiss enough girls and one day you'll get it."

"So I'm supposed to like, really like like girls?" I asked.

Dad stared at me confused.

"Well yea. . . . ." he answered. “What else is there?"

 ***

Hi Jake, it's your brother James,

How are you? I'm good…well kind of…I guess. I'm starting to grow body hair? ...so that's cool. Do you have body hair? No, no that's a creepy question! I just…I'm curious about how you are. There so many things I want to know about you, so many questions I want to ask you. I would like to hear from you?

I slammed down the pen.

"Why am I doing this to myself?"

Bobby was in jail…again and Stacy was busy with her kids. These were the times that even though I had all this "extended" family, I was still an only child. They were my siblings yet, they weren't. We grew up in three different homes, we lived three separate lives. The truth is that Jake was always my favorite, because I didn't know him. I knew what Bobby was, a trash talking thief that only came to me when he needed something. I knew what Stacy was, a bitter bitch that didn't talk to me at all. Jake was the brother I got to dream about. But not in a creepy way. I just wanted to imagine him as the big brother I've always wanted…needed. Jake was the big brother that had no criminal record, no unplanned child, and no alcoholism. At least that was the dream Jake, I had no way of knowing different. He never wrote back, never came to visit, and never called.

The next day in class we watched this cheesy video about the "changes in our bodies".

I sat behind Matt while he cracked a bunch jokes. I had to laugh it was oldest, cheapest, most poorly made thing I had ever seen. I mean I’ve noticed changes (down there), I was growing hair, and I felt my voice getting deeper.

Mac didn't seem to care about anything of it.

"I'm going to stay 12 forever!" He kept demanding as we ate lunch.

I couldn't really focus on what he was saying. My brain was too busy thinking "He's so cute"

I pulled a stand of hair out my face.

"Hi James." A brown haired girl named Jenna appeared in front of me giggling.

"Hi Jenna." I said causally pushing another hair out of face.

She giggled again.

"I was thinking that maybe we could go to the movies Friday?" She asked with big smile.

"Okay Sure." I responded.

"Great it's a date, here my number." she handed me a piece of paper and walked away.

"What was that?" I turned to Matt waiting for him to make some silly joke, but he looked more confused than I was.

"I think you just got a date." He whispered.

"Yea, wow." I laughed hopping to get to him to laugh too, but he didn't.

"You okay Mac?"

"Yea, I just can't believe you got a date."

He looked either hurt or angry or maybe both.

"Mac, what's the matter?" I asked putting a hand on his shoulder. He stared at me, almost shaking.

"Jamie…do you like girls? Like…interacting with them?" He whispered.

This is where it began. This is where I started lying to my best friend.

"Yea, what else is there?" I laughed.

***

We sneaked into the movie theater. Jenna and I hardly paid attention to the film, instead we spend the night throwing popcorn at people and laughing. It was nice, but it didn't feel like this "thing" everybody kept saying. We ran out as soon as the lights went on. I walked her home as we talked about little things like boring teachers and how they gave us too much homework.

As we stepped on her welcome mat she turned to me with a weird smile, "I had a really nice time with you."

"Um… yea I did too."

"So?" She giggled.

"So what?"

"So are you going to kiss me?"

I was caught off guard. I didn't think about kissing her. But this was a date so it had to end with a kiss, right? I put on a fake smile.

"Well yea…babe."

I always thought using the word "babe" would make me sound cooler, and I guess it did.

I closed my eyes as we move on heads closer. The first thing I noticed was how cold and small her lips were. Then the taste of artificial strawberry lip gloss. Maybe it was that bad taste made I stomach turn. I didn't know what to do so I just repeated what she was doing. She started moving her lips up and down, so I just followed along. She put her hand on my neck, so put my hands on her waist.

After a few strange seconds my eyes opened and I pulled away.

"Wow, you're a good kisser." She said taking a breath.

"I am? ...I mean yea…you too…babe."

***

As I walked home I thought about that kiss.

"That's a kiss?" I said to myself.

When I got home my parents were of course fighting.

Dad swung around the beer in his hand, "I'm tellin you it’s a million dollar idea."

"Bud. . . . ."

"Can't you listen? See I got this idea to invent something gives people a way to turn their lights on and off without getting up," he yelled slurring every other word. "…with clapping."

"Bud. . . ."

"I even got a jingle. Clap on," he sang clapping his hands right in her face. "clap off."

I started picking things that he had knocked over, including the glass pieces form the last beer.

"Bud it's called the Clapper."

"Hey that's a good idea for a name, the clapper."

"No Bud."

He turned to notice me, "You support me son, right?"

I hated when one of them brought me into their fights. It was always a lose, lose situation.

"Well dad…maybe you shouldn't…I mean, it would take too much of your time any you job at car dealership."

My mom looked at me as if I was holding a bomb. "You shouldn't have mentioned that." She whispered.

"My job! To hell with my job."

"Another one? Dad you lose another job?"

"A man can't grow at some 9 to 5 job." His voice grew louder as another empty beer shattered all over the cheap carpet. "And a man mostly certainly needs his so called family to support him."

I tried to run for safely in my bedroom, but caught me.

"You trying to run boy." He yelled grabbing me by the arm to throw me against a wall. He stepped back, out of breath.

"Son." He slurred a second before passing out.

I stared at him sleeping for a second. I turned away to go my bed. I laid in my covers re-thinking the night. I wish I could have gone to Matt's, but I was too tried. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep into the dream world.

I found myself sitting in my seat in a classroom alone. I looked up at the chalkboard.

"Girls, Girls! Girls?" I read to myself, "What the hell does that mean?"

"James."

I looked down to see Matt sitting front of me, "How was your date?"

"It was Good Mac."

"You're lying to me." He was smiling at me. It made me feel like I was in pressure cooker, "Jamie I want us to stay like this forever."

"Me too, but…It's the way it's supposed to be."

"There's another way Jamie."

"What?"

Matt grabbed my hand and put his lips on mine. I felt this warmth over my body and my muscles tensed up.

"Jimmy."

I opened my eyes, to see my dad standing by my bed, "Jimmy"

I jumped up and stared at him nervously. I panicked wondering if he had heard anything from my dream.

"I'm sorry son."

Those were the words, the reason why I could never truly hate him, his remorse. He looked at my purple bruise on my arm.

"You're a good boy, you really are. I'm sorry I'm such a screw up… don't you ever start drinking. You hear me."

"I love you daddy." I said to see how he would react.

He turned away for a few seconds, blinking real fast then changed the subject, "How was your date boy?"

"Um…good."

"Did you get a kiss?"

"Um…yea."

"That's my boy." He cheered patting me on the shoulder and walked out as my mom walked in, with what else but the make-up kit.

She sat on the bed and ran her fingers though my hair.

"Morning Hun."

I gave her my arm.

"So did you have fun on your little date?"

"Yea" I nodded.

"So, do you like her?"

"Want the truth?"

"Yes, of course." She giggled.

"Promise not to tell."

"Jimmy, I think we both know that I can keep a secret."

I took a breath "When we kissed I got this feeling. . . ."

She started laughing, "Oh honey, you're becoming a man. You're supposed to have that feeling."

"But it wasn't… it wasn't really a good feeling."

She paused and looked at me, "Well I guess she isn't the one for you. Oh well there is plenty of girls in this world."

That was all I could tell her. There was no way I could tell her about the dream, I couldn't even tell myself about it. It was crazy anyway; after all I didn't really want to kiss Matt.

And that is where it began. That is where I started lying to myself.