It Wasn't Me - 6. Chapter 6

I hear the sounds of yelling.

I feel broken glass.

I taste blood.

I sniff the smell of alcohol.

I see the sight of burses.

These are the five senses of my life.

Dad only came home that one night that mouth. He came home drunk mumbling under his breath. I manage to stay hidden while he finished and dropped about two or three more beers.

"You better get your ass in here son." My dad thundered.

I tried to rush to my bed to pretend that I was asleep (it worked once or twice). However before I could make it the door slammed open. I dropped everything, my pencil, my notebook, and my confidence.

"Why didn't you come when I called you?" He yelled as he punched me in my right cheek.

"Did you hear me?" He yelled as punched me in the left cheek.

That was where the taste of blood came in.

"I'm sorry daddy." I cried.

He grunted "So now you're crying like some girly boy." he punched me in the nose. It just caused more blood and more tears.

"I'm sorry." I cried again.

Eventually he got tried and slowly stubbed out.

I laid on my bed trying to stop crying for about five minutes.

Then I heard footsteps.

"Jimmy honey." My mom said sweetly. She shut the door and sat down on my bed next to me with the make-up kit. "Your dad passed out on the kitchen floor." She smirked.

I sat up and saw her beaten up face, "Mom?"

"Yea honey?"

"Do you ever get tired of this? Why do we always have to do this?"

I stared at me for a second, "Do you know why women rely so much on their make-up?"

"Yea, yea to cover up." I smirked.

"Its a little more than that…babe if you cover up your imperfections long and hard enough…it can make yourself believe that they're gone."

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I had a dream that I was lying on Matt's bed. He was on top of me kissing. My body was reacting to his body and his body was reacting to mine. It felt so surreal.

"Faggo.t" I then heard a deep voice say. I looked over and saw Joey standing next to the bed.

I clearly hear it, but Matt and I didn't stop kissing.

"Faggot." Beanie appeared next to him.

But we kept going.

"Faggot." Bobby appeared to next him.

But we kept going.

Then I heard a deep drunken voice "Faggot."

That's when I stopped kissing Matt. I looked over and saw my parents standing before me. I quickly pushed he off me. Matt looked at me like he didn't seem to notice the other people in his bed room.

"Jamie what's wrong? Isn't this what you want?"

Everybody gathered around me. My dad grabbed me. I felt his hands growing tighter around my neck. I felt my breathing decreasing and all I could see was white.

"Faggot." They all said.

"No I'm not" I screamed opening my eyes.

My body shook breathing heavy. As I tried to maintain a steady breath I felt tears going down my face.

That was the moment I knew I had to do something. I felt had to change myself. I felt had to fix myself.

I remembered what my dad said "kiss enough girls and you'll get it."

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"Morning son." My dad cheered as I walked out of my bedroom.

I grasped. I was shocked to see him. I was even more shocked to see him sober. I had few moments like this so I wanted take advantage of it. "Dad can I ask you something?"

"Sure son."

"How do you…get girls?"

He smiled at me, "That's my boy. Well my son you have inherited Hunter hair."

I laughed "Hunter hair?"

"Yep" he said running his hands though his hair. "Do that"

I ran my hand though my thick brown hair "That?"

He chuckled "You're a natural. Used that and a nice smile and you will have no problem."

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It seems like everybody at school was making out with somebody. Matt and I just stood there by our lockers watching it all.

"Has the whole world paired off?" he asked.

I laughed nervously as another new couple formed before our eyes.

Matt groaned "I just saw it happen and I still don't know how it happens"

"Well," I smirked "I think I found some way." Then I put my hand though my hair.

"Wow," Matt chuckled. "How did you do that?"

I did it again.

"Oh James." some girl cheered walking up to me.

I was shocked, but happy that it worked.

"Hey babe" I smiled and put my arm around her. Like I was suppose to do.

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It wasn't going too bad. We laughed and talked about the bright colors and patterns of 1980's fashion. Her name was Anna, and she knew all the gossip about every freshmen in school .

"Oh did I tell you that Tina Goatee stuffs her bra"

I flicked my wrist, "Reaalllly? Everybody can see the toilet sticking out."

We both laughed.

"Totally…oh my god looked at what Christine Morison is wearing." Anna pointed.

As we sat at a lurch table I looked over, "Oh girl. She cannot pull off the jean jacket look." I said snapping my fingers.

Back then I didn't think about how "snapping" my fingers and saying "Oh girl" made me look.

She laughed and grabbed my hand, "I really liked spending this time with you James."

I nodded "Yea, it's kind of fun."

It was true. I liked talking to her. Things were going good…then she did it.

She put her lips on mine. It put me right back in place I was on that first date. However Anna did something different. She started pushing her tongue into my teeth. I opened my mouth to grasp in shock, but before I could do anything it was in my mouth. On the inside I was freaking out. Then I remembered what things I was "supposed" to do. I put my tongue in her mouth and waged it around hoping I was doing it right. She moved her head closer and her tongue rolled over mine, so I guessed she liked it. I just played along and tried to breathe though my nose. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't good. As much I tried to "get into" it there was this feeling that I knew was missing. I was relieved when she pulled away.

"So are we a couple?" She questioned.

I felt I got something caught in my throat.

"Um...what does that mean?" I blurred out.

She laughed, "Well like our parents…"

"Like our parents?" I almost screamed.

She kept smiling, "Yea, your parents' marriage, always reflects how great your own relationships are."

"No." I whispered.

I pictured my parents. "Hell no."

"What?"

"I don't want that." I ended up screaming.

I rushed out the lurch room into the boy's bathroom and I locked self in one of the stalls.

"What's going on right now?" I whispered to myself cuddling my knees as I sat on the toilet, "What am I supposed to do?"

I took a deep a breath and got out my black notebook, "One, I dream of kissing guys. Two, most of the time that guy is my best friend. Three, my father (and everybody) is telling about dating girls. Four, I get along fine with girls but I feel strange kissing them. Five, I don't want ended up like my parents. Six, I'm too confused to figure out numbers one though five."

Then I remember what my mom said the other night, "If you cover up your imperfections long and hard enough…it can make yourself believe that they are gone."

I turned to a clean page.

I must cover up.

I must cover up my imperfections.

I must cover up with so many layers.

Maybe if I wear enough layers, I'll forget my bloody skin.

Maybe if I wear enough layers, what is good will become bad and what is bad will become good.

Maybe if I wear enough layers, they will become my new skin.