It Wasn't Me - 20. Chapter 20- Sick and Tired

I waked into the apartment to find Donovan watching TV on the couch.

"How was you date?" he casually asked.

"He was a creep." I said.

He got up, "Sit down, kick off your heels, and I'll get the ice cream."

I laughed dropping on to the couch, "Ice cream?"

He sat back down handing me a half-gallon of ice cream and a spoon.

"Yea, ice cream is always good after a bad date." He said digging into the strawberry. "So what happened?"

I took a bite of the cookies and cream…he was right it did make me feel a little better. "Well we started out having a good time. He was cute, funny, and nice until he put his arm around me."

"Oh." Donovan nodded taking a bite of his chocolate chip mint.

"Yea, he was getting way too close." I took another bite, "And don't matter how many times I pushed him off, he kept trying."

"What a jerk." Donovan agreed.

"Yea, I finally got so fucking sick of it that I punched him."

He chuckled almost choking, "Usually I would tell you about not using violence, but I think he had that coming. Nobody touches my little girl and gets away with it."

I laughed a little. I thought it was sweet him referring to me as "my little girl". I may not be his son, but I guess I was sort of his daughter.

"You know I…um sort of wish I was a girl."

"Hunter…"

"No, no I'm not saying that. I think don't really want to be a girl." I explained, "I'm…I'm just thinking how much easier it is to be a girl. See girls are allowed to wear make-up. Girls are allowed to cry. And Girls are allowed to…kiss boys."

Then I looked down at the ice cream, "Something happened. "

"What Hunter?"

"I…he kissed me and…we made out."

Donovan dropped his spoon in his ice cream, "Oh…so…um...did you...you know...like it?"

"Yes." I started crying, "I did."

"It's okay Hunter."

"I don't like who I am Tony." I cried.

"James, between your charm and your talent, you could do so much in life. If you just start helping yourself. This may be not be the solution to everything, but you need to at least start."

"Tony, for once I could feel something without having to imagine something else. You won't believe what my body did when I felt his body, his lips, and just everything."

I was really crying now, "God please…I'm so sick and tried of this. All of this shit." I put down the ice cream on the coffee table, and folded my hands together placing them on my for forehead. "God I don't want to be so empty inside anymore." I took a deep breath, "And I don't want to be so self-hating anymore. And I don't want to be so closeted anymore."

Then I said something out aloud for the first time.

I cried out, "…I'm gay."

My body shook at the sound of those coming out of my mouth. Yet, I felt weight huge was lifted from me. I felt I had washed the dirt off myself.

I breathed out "I'm gay."