Jump to content
    Remijay
  • Author
  • 1,712 Words
  • 6,416 Views
  • 7 Comments
Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

There Once Was Love - 1. Chapter 1

Well as you all know, this story was posted on Efiction but since they have closed it down, here i am posting it again. Maybe this around you like it more!

Thanks Nephylim for editing my first chapter!

There once was love!

Chapter 1

TO BE LOVED!

As the wind blew his hair as he was walking along the river side, I watched him take in the sights. As the sun set in the background where is a camera when you need one, the picture would be perfect. How it capture the soul of the person standing there. I just wanted to sigh seeing Keith in his wonderful state.

The way he looked made a flame shoot up me, he didn’t know about me, I didn’t care though the more I admired him from a far was a good thing.

I didn’t want him to judge me or anything, didn’t want him to think I was sick or anything. His family and mine were always close, we grew up together. As you can tell I fell for my best friend! I didn’t like it very much, but what can you do when your attracted to someone that wouldn’t do anything but cause you heartache later right, well tell that to my heart.

The more time I spent with Keith the more I fell for him, as he walked with me side by side. We talked about the usual girls, sports, video games and etc. But I only agreed with him for he won’t ask me what I was really thinking about and that was him. I know very bad move on my part, but you can only pretend that you don’t want the person that your heart really wants.

The more we walked and talked the more I wanted to touch him, the more I wanted to wrap my arms around him and hold him, the more I wanted to kiss him or even just cuddle. Yea we would hug sometimes, but not the way I wanted.

Keith has dark dirty blonde hair with dark green emerald eyes, I know its kind of weird for a kid to have blonde hair and green eyes, but for me he looked absolutely perfect in my eyes. He wore an extra large t-shirt that said something or another resembling a joke which I didn’t care for; he wore baggy pants that showed off his ass. That at the moment showed his boxers they were a striped pair grey and black, his ass clung so effortlessly to them. He wears white shoes everywhere.

Even when he is walking in the rain, Keith wore baseball caps sometimes. I didn’t care for them but when he did wear them he looked even more beautiful, maybe it was just me but damn.

Hi name is Thomas Erickson I am 16 years old next month will be my 17th birthday on the 8th, I think I will like it at least hopefully anyways. I have dark brown hair that looked like I have a brunette’s hair color. My eyes basically matched my hair just a little bit lighter, my face is clear of any and all problems that a teenager would have. I guess I’m just lucky! I wore a black tee with white letters saying our schools name and which is Hinckley High School as you can imagine I am in the 10th grade sophomore. I liked it because throughout knowing Keith we have been in basically all classes together even in Middle school, I was grateful for that!

“Where are we going dude? I can’t keep walking my legs kill me as it is, you know I do play soccer! So give me a break.” Keith said with a sigh and sat down on a large boulder, taking out his bottle of water and drinking from it.

He up looked up at me and smiled, my breath got catch it my throat when he does that. I don’t know if he knows that or not but damn, I would die for him if he gave me a chance to show him how much I really did care about him.

In many cases I had to hide my erection from him, though I wouldn’t be ashamed of it. It’s just that well this is Keith we are talking about, yea we might take a shower together but that’s only at the schools locker room after gym class. The more he smiled at me the more my pants got tighter, I had to turn away from him and look out at the river that was going by.

We were in a pretty light but dark area of the park, where Keith and I always hung out on the weekends. I guess it’s our release of the shit we put up with at school I don’t know but I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but here with the person that catches my attention a lot. When I turned back around Keith was still staring at me, which made me kind of look at him weird.

As I just stood there waiting for him to say something else, I watched as his eyes sparkled from the lights crossing the river. I let my eyes soak up my best friend’s body, starting at his toes and working it way up. Reaching his thighs; his pants were tight in that area hugging his legs so snug and with little or no room basically for his legs to breathe. I didn’t know what I was doing other than making myself hard, do you know how hard it is to look at someone with everything and not get a hard on.

I moved my eyes from there on up hitting his groin, I couldn’t see anything but once in awhile when I got lucky I would catch a glimpse of it as we were changing in the locker room. The more I stood there the more my pants became tighter, I didn’t know what to do so I looked away. Hoping he didn’t see what I think he did! Dammit I’m totally fucked. If he asks why I keep staring then looking away he’s going to know something is up. I had my back turned away from him, but I could still feel his eyes on me; looking and watching me.

Suddenly I felt a pair hands on my shoulders, I flinched not wanting to turn around and look him in the eyes. My eyes always gave away what I was thinking or feeling, I couldn’t help it; I think it is a family genetic thing. Hell if I knew.

Finally after a few seconds with his hands on my shoulders, I began to relax. Soaking up the feeling of my best friend touching me, I knew it wouldn’t last but C’mon give me a break already I’m trying isn’t that worth something or another?! I don’t know really just confused as of yet.

As we stood there looking at the river flowing by, something brushed my ear. I didn’t think it would be Keith, so smacked my ear hoping get the strange feeling away from it. As I did it though I came into contact with Keith’s face, and I heard a smack against flesh.

I jumped and realized that Keith was holding is face, I backed away from him; I didn’t know if he would turn mean or something Keith had a tendency to get mad at anything with in like a split second. So I kept backing away from him, still holding his cheek and I could clearly see that I left a red mark there.

“Holy fuck I’m sorry dude, thought it was a bug…Omigod I’m so sorry! Please don’t get mad!” I said still in shock over this, but I didn’t take my eyes off of Keith.

I don’t know what I was going to do if he tells me that he never wants to be friends with me again, I would probably die without him in my life. As I kept backing away from Keith and him still holding his cheek. There was a smirk on his face, but I didn’t think anything of it. Soon he let out a snicker and well I didn’t think it was funny but I think he did. Keith just laughed it up! He was waiting for me to laugh along with him, so I did just to make the situation less intense.

I soon became aware that I was right on the edge, but before I could jump away from the cliff. A piece of dirt let loose and well there I went into the river below, before I hit the river with a smack. I yelled for Keith ‘KEITH…man help me!’ I thought just before I hit the water.

I going underneath the water, there was nothing to grab onto. Nothing at all! As my body swam with the current, faster and faster as my body went with the water. My head pop back up to the surface to see Keith running along side the river bank, holding out my hand for Keith to take but the current took me with it faster and faster. There was a stick hanging out the dirt to the right, I grabbed it as the water still went by. Holding on for dear life, because I knew there is a drop off coming up. The water was too much for me to hang on, the stick broke and my body was back to floating down the river bed.

I heard in the distance of what was called a waterfall, ‘great…Just fucking great’ I thought. As my body came closer to the edge of the drop off, looking behind I saw Keith stop and pull out a cell and quickly dialed what I hoped was 911. I turned in time to see the edge coming up, as I watched and listened to hear how far down. Well I knew but never experienced this before, only if this was totally different and well prepared for this it might have been actually pretty fucking awesome.

Once again I looked behind seeing Keith race to the side still holding out his hand to me, he came too late as my body went over the water fall and down plummeting 50 feet, I just hope the water is deep enough. I prayed before I hit the bottom! Only god can safe me now!!!

Tbc Comment Please ((Hugz**Kizzes)) ^Remijay^

'til Next time!
All the character's and names in this story is property of this Author. This story is not for sell or to used as a profit. If there is anyone out there with names of my character's then its pearly coincidental. Thanks again and have a great day!
  • Like 9
  • Love 2
  • Wow 1
Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
You are not currently following this author. Be sure to follow to keep up to date with new stories they post.

Recommended Comments

Chapter Comments

-As the wind blew his hair as he was walking along the river side, I watched him take in the sights. As the sun set in the background where is a camera when you need one, the picture would be perfect. How it capture the soul of the person standing there. I just wanted to sigh seeing Keith in his wonderful state.-

 

I believe I see what part of the problem is here. It's all about flow of the sentence and the imagery it is meant to convey. This part alone uses "AS" in place of words that would fit better:

 

*The wind blew through his hair "while" he was walking along the "river bank", and I watched him take in the sights as I took in him."The sun setting" in the background created a perfect picture to entice any artist. Where is a camera when you need one? How it would capture the soul of the person standing there kept running through my mind. I just wanted to sigh seeing Keith in this wonderful state.*

 

 

-The way he looked made a flame shoot up me, he didn’t know about me, I didn’t care though the more I admired him from a far was a good thing.-

 

*The way he looked right then made a flame shoot up (in) me, and I didn't care that he didn't know me.The more I admired him from (afar), the better things would be.

 

 

-I didn’t want him to judge me or anything, didn’t want him to think I was sick or anything. His family and mine were always close, we grew up together. As you can tell I fell for my best friend! I didn’t like it very much, but what can you do when your attracted to someone that wouldn’t do anything but cause you heartache later right, well tell that to my heart.-

 

*I didn’t want him to judge me or anything, and I definitely didn’t want him to think I was sick or some kind of stalker. His family and mine had always been close, and we had grown up together.

 

If you haven't figured it out yet ... I've fallen for my best friend! I didn’t like it very much, but what can you do when your attracted to someone that wouldn’t do anything but cause you heartache later? Well, tell that to my heart.*

 

 

I'm not going to go through the whole chapter, but suffice it to say that the premise is good, and the characters are engaging. The flow is what throws it off, though, and that can really cause problems when it's being read by someone unfamiliar with the world you see Keith and Thomas living in.

 

There are also a few typos where words are missing in sentences that cause an abrupt halt to the readability, but those are easily fixed with a cold read-thru before posting. I hope this helps you, and I will continue reading onward as time allows. :-)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
On 03/11/2011 01:18 PM, Tenebrae said:
-As the wind blew his hair as he was walking along the river side, I watched him take in the sights. As the sun set in the background where is a camera when you need one, the picture would be perfect. How it capture the soul of the person standing there. I just wanted to sigh seeing Keith in his wonderful state.-

 

I believe I see what part of the problem is here. It's all about flow of the sentence and the imagery it is meant to convey. This part alone uses "AS" in place of words that would fit better:

 

*The wind blew through his hair "while" he was walking along the "river bank", and I watched him take in the sights as I took in him."The sun setting" in the background created a perfect picture to entice any artist. Where is a camera when you need one? How it would capture the soul of the person standing there kept running through my mind. I just wanted to sigh seeing Keith in this wonderful state.*

 

 

-The way he looked made a flame shoot up me, he didn’t know about me, I didn’t care though the more I admired him from a far was a good thing.-

 

*The way he looked right then made a flame shoot up (in) me, and I didn't care that he didn't know me.The more I admired him from (afar), the better things would be.

 

 

-I didn’t want him to judge me or anything, didn’t want him to think I was sick or anything. His family and mine were always close, we grew up together. As you can tell I fell for my best friend! I didn’t like it very much, but what can you do when your attracted to someone that wouldn’t do anything but cause you heartache later right, well tell that to my heart.-

 

*I didn’t want him to judge me or anything, and I definitely didn’t want him to think I was sick or some kind of stalker. His family and mine had always been close, and we had grown up together.

 

If you haven't figured it out yet ... I've fallen for my best friend! I didn’t like it very much, but what can you do when your attracted to someone that wouldn’t do anything but cause you heartache later? Well, tell that to my heart.*

 

 

I'm not going to go through the whole chapter, but suffice it to say that the premise is good, and the characters are engaging. The flow is what throws it off, though, and that can really cause problems when it's being read by someone unfamiliar with the world you see Keith and Thomas living in.

 

There are also a few typos where words are missing in sentences that cause an abrupt halt to the readability, but those are easily fixed with a cold read-thru before posting. I hope this helps you, and I will continue reading onward as time allows. :-)

 

 

 

 

 

Wow, i never knew.... I mean Neph. Helped me so yea, im sorry. I will surely look through my chapters for now on.... Thanks for pointing that out
Link to comment

Hello hun!

 

I'm reading and I'm gonna be leaving a word or two everytime I'm back with your story :)

 

I admire your love to write, it is a struggle if no one comments or leaves reviews etc. I wish I would have gotten to your story sooner.

 

I won't be judging any typos or anything since I got loads of them myself. You can expect the feelings your writing ewokes in me, 'k?

 

Here it goes.

 

The starting was typical, nothing too stricking, BUT the chapter ending with a literal cliff was not! :D Though, it felt a little bit seperate from the story idea, but then again accidents do happen and lead things forward!

 

Teen crush to the best friend, that always melts my heart. One of my favourite story themes. My favorite part in this story was just before the fall to the river, when Keith held Thomas from the back and almost kissed his neck - before getting a smack. Such a teaser!

 

I'm looking forward to see how Thomas pulls out of his river and how the story starts to build up.

 

You might want to give some thought to the words chosen, maybe avoid using the same word too many times in a chapter. But that is the kind of thing that can be pointed out with a beta reader-editor.

 

Keep writing hun! :hug:

Link to comment
On 04/08/2011 05:56 AM, Marzipan said:
Hello hun!

 

I'm reading and I'm gonna be leaving a word or two everytime I'm back with your story :)

 

I admire your love to write, it is a struggle if no one comments or leaves reviews etc. I wish I would have gotten to your story sooner.

 

I won't be judging any typos or anything since I got loads of them myself. You can expect the feelings your writing ewokes in me, 'k?

 

Here it goes.

 

The starting was typical, nothing too stricking, BUT the chapter ending with a literal cliff was not! :D Though, it felt a little bit seperate from the story idea, but then again accidents do happen and lead things forward!

 

Teen crush to the best friend, that always melts my heart. One of my favourite story themes. My favorite part in this story was just before the fall to the river, when Keith held Thomas from the back and almost kissed his neck - before getting a smack. Such a teaser!

 

I'm looking forward to see how Thomas pulls out of his river and how the story starts to build up.

 

You might want to give some thought to the words chosen, maybe avoid using the same word too many times in a chapter. But that is the kind of thing that can be pointed out with a beta reader-editor.

 

Keep writing hun! :hug:

Aww, thanks hun. You're so sweet. It's okay now that i dont get comments. I used to get depressed and everything but now its like given that i wont get Reviews Or Comments. But thanks Hun! Hugz--Kizzes
Link to comment

:0 cliffhanger! You big meanie :P

Great opening chapter, RJ. Can't wait to see what happens next.. Chapter two here I come! :)

Link to comment
View Guidelines

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Newsletter

    Sign Up and get an occasional Newsletter.  Fill out your profile with favorite genres and say yes to genre news to get the monthly update for your favorite genres.

    Sign Up
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Our Privacy Policy can be found here: Privacy Policy. We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue..