Landfall - 14. Why is this so hard?

It's dark. Surrounded by warmth. Soft even breathing floats around me. Light weight on my chest. All's right with the world; relaxed, comfortable.

Open my eyes and look down. Greg's head is nestled on one side of my chest, Jonathan's on the other. Their hands are linked in a casual clasp across my belly, just lightly resting. The length of their bodies pressed up against either side, I'm the filling in a sandwich—and not complaining. Feels good.

Just the act of moving is enough to wake Jonathan up; he squirms a little, looks up in my face and whispers “morning”. With that, Greg moves, too, looks up, grinning, wiping the sleep from his eyes. He lifts up a little, leans forward, and gives Jonathan a quick morning kiss.

Apparently, despite my best efforts, both are light sleepers—really made a point not to move too much, and yet they're both awake.

“How ya doing this morning, boss?” Greg looks and smiles.

“I'm ok, I guess. Still groggy from the sleeping pill, but nothing lots of coffee won't fix.” And yeah, the drug hangover from the sleeping aid as well as the drugs from yesterday are in play. “And how are y'all this morning?”

“I'm ok, and I'll be better with coffee, just like you.” Greg nods to Jonathan's assessment. “But I really gotta pee.” With that, Jonathan's up, and damn near jogs to the bathroom, his white ass cheeks flexing. Greg's right behind him; guess they're used to using the bath together, just like many couples. Both of their bodies show the bruises they took yesterday in the plaza.

They're both back in just a moment or two, and resume their places on either side of me under the covers.

“Look, guys, I'm sorry I was just a bawling little kid last night....” But before I could get farther, my need to piss hit too, “but I'll finish that in a minute, I really hafta take a leak!” And I somewhat unsteadly made my way to the john. Stiff and sore myself from those plaza escapades.

After climbing back in bed a few minutes later, I started again, “As I was saying....” Greg starts thrumming his fingers on my chest and interrupts.

“Look, buddy, that sounds suspiciously like an apology—and you've nothing to apologize for. Yesterday was a stressful day for all of us, and you had more to deal with than anyone. You were exhausted, you were still somewhat drug affected, plus emotionally drained. You were where anyone would be after that kind of day—so get over it!” With that, he did a snap in the air, and grinned at Jonathan. Jonathan just nodded and giggled at the stereotypical gay move.

“Yeah, but....well, I like to be a little more in control than that, and I'm sorry I lost it like that in front of ya'll....and God only knows what Dave is thinking.”

“Look, Barry, like Greg said, nothing to apologize for. We told ya a long time ago we're your friends, and anytime you want to talk, we'll listen. We didn't do anything with you last night we haven't done with other friends—we always take care of our buddies, and you just needed friends to blow off steam. And I know Dave understood exactly what was going on.” Greg nodded as Jonathan finished.

“Did Dave ask you to stay with me last night? I know I scared him a little.”

“Yes, he did, but we'd both decided we were gonna stay with ya before we talked with Dave. We'd talked about it before we ever came down here last night after the Assistant Director filled us in on your plan—which was clever as hell, by the way—and we'd figured you'd have a let down from the adrenalin rush of yesterday. Besides, you snore a helluva lot less than Greg.” At that point, Greg grabbed a pillow and promptly slapped Jonathan with it. Hell, thought we were going to have a pillow fight—their good moods, even before coffee, were infectious.

“Ok, thanks guys. Like I said, just don't like losing control like that. And Dave and I will have a chat on this, too....I know I scared him, and he needs to know it won't happen again.” Can't believe I was such a wuss with him. What's he gonna think of me now?

“He's concerned, of course—after all, he does have a thing for you—but I'm sure he understands. Now, if that's that, how about getting some breakfast from room service? We can get cleaned up a little, and eat—I'm hungry!” Greg is already reaching for the menu before he even finishes speaking.

We order, the guys throw on their clothes from last night and head back to their room to get cleaned up, passing the nurse who sticks his head in with a “good morning” and “I'll check back with you after breakfast”. I hit the shower and am feeling far more human as I struggle to get into jeans and a shirt—yeah, I'm still stiff as hell from yesterday—and hear the coded knock at the door.

“Breakfast is here,” the nurse announces, and heads away to get the guys just next door. We all eat like we haven't in days; there's definitely no leftovers. And we're all chugging coffee.

There's a coded knock at the door, then it opens and the nurse comes in. “Mr. Evans, I need to do a quick check up on you, is that ok?” The guys get up, ready to leave and give privacy, but I wave 'em back into place.

“Sure, come on in. Do what you need to do.”

After pulling my shirt up checking my heart, he grabs my wrist and checks my pulse. As he checks eyes, Jonathan turns on the TV with the remote, and local news is on during the break in the national morning show. “Hey, look.”

There's the Assistant Director in the middle of a press conference. “We have leads on the assailants, but nothing we can announce at this point. Our agent who was wounded yesterday is being transferred today to a secure care facility to complete his recovery, and will not be available for interviews until such time he decides he's up to it.” And with that, the local station does a brief replay of the Plaza shooting yesterday, complete with voice-over briefly recapping the story before going back to local weather, then “Good Morning, America”.

We're all sitting there, frozen, open-mouthed.

The video was brutal, taken from on top of one of the TV trucks parked across the street from the plaza.

Bad enough to have lived through it, but seeing it from an outside perspective...well, shit.

No wonder Trey fainted.

After a few minutes of stunned silence, Greg speaks. “That was something, huh?”

No one says a word.

Finally, clear my throat. “Ok, we've seen what it looks like. It's not a play from Sunday's football game. We aren't gonna discuss it again. Period. Next!” And I did the in-air hand snap thing just like Greg had done in bed this morning. It was enough, we all started laughing. And casual banter picked back up.

Dear God, don't ever let me see that video again!

The nurse finished the exam, made some notes in a file, and said goodbyes. We're finishing up what's left of the coffee when there's a coded knock at the door. Jonathan opens it, and promptly steps aside.

Dave is standing there, jeans and t-shirt, bruises on his neck, grinning big.

Best damn sight I've seen.

“Fuck!” And before I know it, I've launched myself across the room, grabbed him in my arms. His arms wrap around me, and I'm kissing him in the hall—hasn't had a chance to make it in.

When we're both out of air, I grab him and pull him in. “Damn, it's so good to see you.” Can't help it, start to cry. You'd think I'd be all cried out, but no. This is relief. My big lug of a lawman is here!

Jonathan and Greg come over, hug Dave too. Then with a “We'll be in our rooms. Come get us when you finish talking,”--don't know which one said that—they're out the door and gone.

So fucking excited I'm shaking. Dave grabs me in a hug, manhandles me to the bed, pushes me down, then lies down beside me.

“I told ya I'd be here, baby. And I'm not letting you go. And we'll talk as long as you want, ok? But I got a few things I need to say first, so just listen, ok?” He kisses me at the temple and curls me up into a hug next to him, my arm across his chest, head on his shoulder. Feels incredible.

“I realized a few things last night, Barry, and you need to know what I'm thinking, so here goes.” He clears his throat, kisses me on the temple again, pulls me to him even tighter if that's possible.

“One of the things I realized is that I haven't done a good job of taking care of ya like I should have. I'd asked you if you need to talk to someone about everything going on in that good-looking noggin of yours. The Assistant Director did, too. But truth be told, we dropped the ball. Even though you said 'not now', that's not a call you're qualified to make, especially right now. So, I've arranged to have a counselor stop by here daily. He'll be here later this afternoon or early evening for the week we'll be here in Dallas during phase two of the plan. You'll also have someone in Florida when we get there. And when phase 3 starts, you'll have someone there, too, for as long as you need.”

“Dave, look, I'm sorry about last night....I was exhausted, I still had a drug hangover, I was lonely—and I put you in the middle of all of that....”

“Stop it, Barry. Just....stop. You were doing exactly what anyone else would have done in your circumstances. You don't need to apologize—I do. I should have realized you needed help to deal with all this stuff, and I didn't get it for you. You've always been a strong man, powering through whatever was going on—and I assumed all this would be the same thing. And you've seen that diagram about what happens when you assume anything.” He grins. “So no, none of this is on you. It's on me—but we'll fix it, ok? So don't apologize again for it—got it?” He smiles down at me, and I can only nod agreement. Overwhelmed by his obvious concern.

“And no more boxing things up inside, buddy. That's not helping you, it's not helping me. We need to keep talking, keep our lines of communication open. I promise I'll do my part on that, Barry, but you gotta work to do that, too.”

“The other part of that is that in some ways, I deferred to you. It was your plan; it's been about trying to make you comfortable with your new identity and setting you up in your new life. I've kinda let you drift into that at a pace you were comfortable with. But the real story is that it's my job to manage that process and direct you into all of that. And probably the best thing for you is to give you some structure you can work within. It'll help you feel better about yourself and your progress if you've got solid goals and know where you stand.”

“From this point forward, you're gonna see me more aggressive, and push you in the direction I think you need to be going. I know you trust me, but this is gonna mean you've gotta let go of your own ego on a few things, and let me take care of you the way I'm supposed to.”

Dave stops at this point, sits up, pulls me up, and continues to hold me in an embrace as those laser-blue eyes focus on me.

“And here's the other thing, Barry—and it's a biggie. I've been an idiot. Last night, I was afraid...afraid I'd lose you. Afraid I'd never get to say the things I need to say to you. I'm fixing that now, too.”

He stops, takes a deep breath, and his eyes seem to look into my soul.

“I'm in love with you, Barry Evans. I wish I could explain in a logical way all the reasons why I love you, but I can only scratch the surface of that. Lemme just say you bring out the best in me. You make me want to be the best man I can. We click at a level I can't explain rationally. Having you in my life makes me complete, and makes me feel more alive than I've been in years.....well, certainly since Keith died. I can't deny those feelings, and I'm not gonna let 'em get in the way of taking care of your cute ass.”

I can't breathe. Never had someone so direct about their feelings about me before.

“But I know there's more, too, Barry. I know you're still figuring things out about everything—including your feelings for me. I don't expect anything but hope you'll let me love you, and maybe someday you'll figure out who I am in your life, and that I'll be an important part of it. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want more from you; but, I'm not pushing on that. But a guy can hope, right?”

Dave is looking at me with a flat smile and misty eyes....and perhaps for the first time ever, I'm realizing I've got a good man's heart in my hands.

Holy shit. Life-defining moment here.

Long pause. Trying to organize my thoughts. Maybe stall for some time to think clearly.

“So....tell me what's going on in there,” as Dave strokes my hair. He's now hardly looking at me, almost afraid of what I'm gonna say.

“Ok. Maybe the idea of a counselor is a good thing. Guess I'm really not handling it all as well as I could be. Just......overwhelmed. Yeah, I need to talk and think through it all.”

“And Dave, it's really important to me that you know I've never tried to fight ya on anything you wanted to do. I trust you implicitly, and you've proven over and over that I'm justified in that. You're the professional here, so take the lead when you need to—I'm cool with that.”

“I'll promise I'll always try to be open, honest, and direct with you. You deserve that. Think I've been doing that, but I'll make an extra effort.”

Clear my throat. This next part is fucking tough.

“As far as you and me, well, I'm still trying to get my head around parts of that, and figure the counselor will help. But still........you need to know I think I'm falling in love with you, too. Don't know if I'm bi or gay or just gay for you—maybe the counseling will clear that up for me—but like I told my boys, there's no one else but you. I haven't looked at any other guys with any degree of emotional or sexual interest. You make my heart race a little faster, make my dick harder, and in spite of the fact I don't know what to do with a guy sexually, I know you're important to me and I wanna make you as happy as you make me. And when you call me 'baby', there's a part of me that melts inside.”

Dave is beaming at this point.

God, why is this so hard?

“Ok, ok. Direct answer: Yeah, I'm in love with you. And your patience with me has been both appreciated and gratifying. Just promise you won't give up on me, ok? This is a helluva journey, and I'm in the dark with no flashlight. I'm still learning a whole bunch about me that I apparently didn't know I needed to learn. As long as I know you're gonna be with me, I'll make it out ok.”

And I kissed him. Best kiss I know how to give. Felt totally right.