Plattenbau - 15. Chapter 15- Love

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"Mama, what is love?" Alex asked his mother while poking around in his pasta.

"Bullshit, that's what it is." She almost immediately replied in between bites, making Alex sigh in frustration.

He hadn't expected her to be overly cheerful about the topic. That wouldn't have made much sense, considering her own love life or, rather, the lack of it. Even before the divorce, Alex had never seen his mother be loving towards his dad or vice-versa. But, with what the teen now knew about his parents relationship and what was really going on behind closed doors, he wasn’t particularly surprised. Still, he hoped that she would at least have something more helpful to say regarding his struggle with finding out what love really meant.

Alex laid down his fork and leaned back in the old wooden chair that they had bought at the flea market. "I'm being serious Mama, how do you know if you truly love someone?"

Just a few days ago, he had been so sure of his feelings towards Ed. But after having talked with Wilhelm about the big, grumpy bear he had realized that he barely knew anything about the guy. There was also this one question Wilhelm had asked him, that just wouldn't leave him alone. What does 'love' mean to you? He had asked Alex, leaving the boy lost for words. At first, he thought that the answer was simple. But the more he thought about it, the more confused he became. In movies, it always seemed so easy for people to figure out if they truly loved someone. In reality, however, the lines between a crush, being just horny, and real love were way more blurry. That's why he had hoped his mother, with her longer life experience, could give him at least some advice that’d help him figure it out, even though he knew he had to take what she said with a grain of salt.

"What's his favorite dish?" His mother suddenly asked drawing his attention back to her.

Alex fidgeted with his sleeves and then hesitantly replied, "I don't... wait, did you say 'his'?" He had only realized mid-sentence that she had referred to his love interest as 'his' instead of 'her.' Alex was dumbfounded, he hadn't come out to her yet and hadn't even planned to do so, at least not until he lived on his own. From what she had told him over the years, he knew that she had grown up in a very conservative and extremely religious part of Russia, that's why he had feared her reaction towards him being gay.

She raised an eyebrow and tilted her head. "What, am I wrong about it being about a guy?" She questioned, her voice holding a slightly annoyed undertone but to Alex's surprise that was all. There was no disgust, hate or aggravation in her voice.

He shook his head and quickly took a few gulps from his glass. The sudden surprise that his mother knew about his sexuality had made his throat go dry and his brain lag behind.

"What does his favorite dish have to do with anything?" He asked after a moment, hoping to change the attention back to the topic of love instead of his sexuality. Even if she seemed okay with it at the moment, he still just didn't want to risk that she would change her attitude towards it, like she so often did with other things.

"A lot." She stated and then added impatiently, "What's his biggest flaw?"

Alex blankly stared at her and desperately tried to come up with something. Sure, there were a few things that annoyed him about Ed, like his smoking, him being not much of a talker or his unwillingness to show his emotions. But those weren't really flaws in Alex eyes, they were just part of who Ed was, just like his brutal honesty and his nervous lip biting whenever he got flustered. Oh, how he loved those little quirks Ed showed when he felt like his back was up against the wall. The big guy probably didn't even notice it himself and thought he had an unreadable stone-faced facade. For Alex, it was so easy to read his little habits, making it so much easier for him to figure out what Ed was really thinking even though he was often saying the opposite.

The clicking of his mothers long, fake nails on the kitchen table made him snap out of his day dreaming.

Alex swallowed hard and awkwardly shifted around on his chair. He was still unsure what to answer, but seeing that his mother was starting to get impatient, he had no other chance just then to come up with something on the fly. "Uh well... I... hmm... maybe it's..." he stuttered but before he could finish his sentence she interrupted him and harshly stated that it wasn't love. He was taken aback by her statement. How could she known that what he felt wasn't love or at least something similar to that just from those stupid questions? He wondered. After a short consideration he voiced his thoughts and asked how, exactly, she knew that it wasn't love.

Even though he tried to sound as casual as possible, his voice still held a slightly snarky undertone. Of course, she immediately noticed it and threw him a 'watch you tone!' look that he knew all too well to take seriously.

He lowered his head in submission. It took a moment, but then she seemed satisfied by his response and finally answered his question, "Because if it were, you would know the answers."

"But what if he doesn't have flaws?" He hesitantly replied, hoping to somewhat change her mind and take his feelings more seriously. But she just chuckled and lifted up her wine glass.

"Everyone has flaws, Alexey." She replied and took a sip from the dark red liquid. After putting the glass back down she then explained further that apparently loving someone meant to know the other person's flaws and to stay with them despite their shortcomings.

Alex thought about it for a moment but something about his mother's explanation just didn't sit right with him. He shook his head and then grumbled just loud enough for her to hear, "That doesn't sound like love. It sounds more like the recipe for a toxic relationship." His statement seemingly hit his mother off guard because for a moment he could see worry and even a hint of sadness in her eyes but then she switched on her defensive mode and all that vulnerability was locked away again.

"Oh really?!" She snarled back, her tone making it clear to Alex that he once again had over stepped a line that he shouldn't have.

He took in a sharp breath and forced his brain to focus on defusing the situation and to not set off another landmine. "Well... I mean I'm not sure but..." Alex tried to explain but she wouldn't even let him finish his sentence and instead yelled, "Love isn't this lovey-dovey bullshit you see on TV, Alexey! Love is fucking ungrateful and nasty, and if you don't like it then don't fucking get into a relationship!"

She snatched her glass and downed the rest of her wine. Then, she took her dinner plate, stood up, and threw the rest of the food in the garbage. With a loud clang, the plate hit the sink making Alex flinch and shrink in his chair.

His mom leaned on the counter for a moment and pinched the bridge of her nose. With a tired sigh she then said, "Now stop asking stupid questions and eat your dinner, you still have homework to do." She grabbed the opened wine bottle, threw one last glare towards him, and then left the kitchen.

"Fucking bitch." Alex mumbled under his breath as he wiped away a stray tear from his cheek, took his own plate, and threw away the food. After he had cleaned the dishes, he went to his room and laid down on his bed.

"Love is fucking confusing." He grumbled and put in his earphones to drown out his mother’s weeping noises from the other room.

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