Jumping Over My Mountain - 25. Chapter 25

Jumping Over My Mountain
by Tiffani Chin

Chapter 25

---------------------------------------------

**************CREW************

I caught the look between Zeke and Mrs. Chin as Hiro left the car without any sort of reaction from me. I knew they detected my weird behavior. I especially knew Zeke would be getting on my case about it. The question was just when it would occur.

Luckily it didn’t happen right when we got to the house, probably because there were so many other things going on at once. Storm and Skyler asked me what happened; they were asking for details. Finally their Mom told them to shut up and let me settle in.

I told most of the story. It was pretty basic when you just gave the facts. I didn’t want to hash out every tiny little despairing detail of the ordeal. I didn’t think I could emotionally handle that right now.

Secondly, Storm had a newborn in the house; everyone’s attention was directed to the little baby---to my great relief. As everyone crowded around Storm, I was bummed I was in a wheelchair. It set me apart from everyone else and was a constant reminder of my inability to walk. It felt like a punch in the gut; but I pushed the feeling away and tried to keep a happy face.

Storm walked over to me with a smile on his face as he cradled his son in his arms.

“Crew, I want you to meet your godson,” he said reaching out and delicately handing me the tiny bundle.

Instinctively my hands came out to accept the infant, but my eyes snapped to Storm’s when I processed what he had just said.

“What did you say?” I asked startled.

Storm grinned and knelt down beside me as I held Sean tightly in my arms, afraid to drop him. I looked down into the baby’s tiny face, unable to believe what I just heard.

“You’re Sean’s godfather,” he repeated.

I was speechless, opening my mouth to say something, but getting nothing out. “Me?” I finally squeaked.

Everyone in the room started to laugh. “Yeah, you,” Storm explained as he glanced at Zeke, “I would have chosen Zeke, but I figured he was basically an uncle to Sean. Since Sky is the actual Uncle, that left the godfather title to you.”

I was so touched, “Thank you Storm.”

He patted my shoulder gently, “No problem man; I know you will make a great godfather; it would be my son’s honor to have you in his life.”

I nodded wordlessly, looking down at the tiny baby in my arms. He was so small, his head a light dusting of dark brown hair and bright hazel eyes that were squished due to the baby making faces. I started to smile and looked at Zeke who instantly got my silent message.

“I told you so,” he said triumphantly.

“What?” Mrs. Chin asked confusedly as Storm and Skyler looked between the two of us with a perplexed look on their faces.

“Zeke said babies are ugly and that they’re nothing but pink lumps!” I exclaimed, pointing a finger at Zeke accusingly, but in a joking manner.

Mrs. Chin, Skyler, and Storm looked at Zeke with disbelief.

Zeke rolled his eyes at me, “What?” he asked defensively, “They do!” he said pointing at Sean, “But your baby is beautiful,” he said to Storm, with a serious expression.

Storm and Skyler began to laugh, with the rest of us joining in shortly.

“Liar!” Skyler crowed as Zeke laughed even harder.

“Well, I guess you’re kinda right,” Storm admitted once he calmed down, “He is sort of a pink little mushy blob.”

“But all babies are cute--just because they’re little and a part of you,” Mrs. Chin input, “Trust me, they get really adorable when they’re a bit older.”

Zeke nodded as he smiled at me.

“So what’s his middle name?” I asked.

“Luke,” Storm answered.

“Mom’s maiden name,” Skyler added.

I nodded, remembering back in the day when the twins had told me that their Mom kept her married name so she would have the same last name as her sons; she kept the title of Mrs. just because it just sounded better.

“Guys, why don’t you get Crew settled in?” she asked, directing her question to Zeke and Skyler. “The downstairs guest room,” she added quickly, because of my wheelchair.

They grabbed my bags and I followed them, grateful that I didn’t have to be alone in my own house. I didn’t think I would have been able to bear it.

***************

Almost two weeks had passed since I officially came back home. Mrs. Chin was right on top of researching hospitals and surgeons for my procedure. I knew she was doing all she could; but I wanted an appointment right away. Hell, I wanted the surgery done tomorrow if it was possible; but I knew it wasn’t.

Before I even had the surgery done I had to have a consultation with a surgeon and then make an appointment for the procedure. It could take months depending on how busy and how available the surgeon. I was internally frustrated; but I was careful not to show that to Mrs. Chin. She was already doing so much for me when she really didn’t have to.

But I couldn’t help being impatient. I tried to be optimistic--keep a good disposition; but it was getting increasingly difficult. Like I said, I was impatient. I just wanted to get better already. In my head, I was already thinking of walking, running, soccer, and snowboarding. The longer it took for me to get my surgery, the farther away I was from my future goals. For fuck’s sake, I couldn’t bathe by myself with all my casts. I wasn’t strong enough to hoist myself into the tub with only my arms, and I couldn’t stand on my own.

Zeke helped me for the first two nights. I wasn’t embarrassed since he had seen me naked all the time in the past; but when he left with Skyler to go back to New York, I needed someone else to do the honors. I definitely did not want Mrs. Chin to do it, so that left Storm since he was around all the time whenever he wasn’t napping or with the baby.

It was slightly embarrassing on my part and probably his too when it came to bathing me; but Storm handled it like a pro, acting calm and unabashed. I, on the other hand, blushed profusely the first few times, but eventually got over it. I had no choice; I would most likely need his help in the future.

We were both guys so it wasn’t a big deal; I just felt weird. Being gay and all, I didn’t want to get turned on with Storm in the room. Luckily I was in pain and annoyed over the whole situation. This interfered with my usual horniness and prevented any potential untimely hard-ons, although there were some close calls, whenever Storm brushed too close to my goods.

I would have asked Hiro, but it would be a hassle for him to come back and forth every day--not that he wouldn’t do it if I asked. I knew he would. The truth was that I didn’t really want Hiro to come over. I didn’t know how I felt towards Hiro. We were technically still together, but barely, since we didn’t communicate as well as we used to, mainly on my part, I suppose.

I wasn’t exactly angry at Hiro because I knew none of this was his fault. I was disgruntled and bitter over my situation. I needed someone to blame; it made things easier for me, mentally. Unfortunately that someone happened to be Hiro.

Not that I didn’t see him at all. He stopped by to visit me; but we didn’t talk much. The conversation was very superficial; asking how I felt, if I was doing better, any news on obtaining my surgery. There was no real connection or heat, like before. Then Hiro would just leave.

Every time I saw him leaving, I felt a pang in my heart and felt an urge to call out to him, to ask him to stay, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was too absorbed in my self pity and self loathing to push aside my pride.

I hated what I was doing to Hiro and to myself, but I couldn’t dig myself out of the hole I had fallen in, which only pushed me further into depression.

****************

I sighed. I was so bored. I sat in the living room watching a movie that I had already seen a billion times. Watching Kumar smoke up made me want some pot. Although I normally never smoked, my current situation created a certain craving in me. Or better yet: some special brownies. Yum. Brownies. Yum. Chocolate. Yum.

I sighed and rubbed my face. My life was so sucking right now. But then again, what else was new?

I heard the front door slam shut and I wondered if Mrs. Chin had already finished taking Sushi for his walk. I couldn’t even walk my own dog or play with him. Once again I had to rely on others to take care of my shit. It was sickening and made me feel like ending it all. At least no one made me feel like I was a nuisance to them. I was grateful for that.

I looked towards the entrance of the living room, expecting to see Mrs. Chin and Sushi. But instead I saw Hiro.

As usual, he looked beautiful. His eyes were on me, but he didn’t say anything. As he moved closer, I couldn’t help admiring his long, lean frame; accentuated perfectly by his sneakers, nicely fit jeans, and white polo shirt.

My stomach clenched and my heart did a little leap. I felt a burst of love for him when he turned his face to me, his gorgeous almond eyes peering at me, his light brown hair looking almost blond from the sunlight coming in through the window.

“I’m going to Colorado.”

I looked at Hiro, not knowing what to say to him. Why the hell was he going back there?
With Colorado, all I could think about was my accident and Hiro’s shitty friends! And that fucking Caleb who tried stealing Hiro from me. All the memories came rushing back.

“Why?” I asked in a harsh tone. Harsher than I intended.

His eyes met mine. “Caleb and Daniel need to pay for this. I’m going to make sure they go to jail and that they get what’s coming to them. I’m sorry I didn’t think to press charges back then, but I couldn’t think straight because of you.”

He took my hand. “We can work this out Crew. You don’t have to worry about money or anything. I’ve talked with my grandfather; we have good chances of winning a settlement. Daniel’s family is loaded.”

Hiro’s hand grabbed mine and he held onto it, massaging it gently. I stared down at our conjoined hands, mesmerized by the motion. His touch was soft and light; I did miss his touch. But at the same time, I didn’t want him to touch me. I wanted to be left alone and not feel guilty over how I was treating Hiro. It would just be easier if he went away.

I pulled my hand away and he frowned.

“Why bother?” I spat out.

“What?” he asked, his frown deepening.

“Why bother going back to Colorado at all?” I snapped in a childish tone. “It won’t change anything. I’ll still be a fucking cripple. How will Daniel’s money change anything? My life is still ruined. I will still have to spend endless agonizing days and hours getting better, whenever I do get this surgery, just so I can do something as simple as walking. It will probably take years to play soccer or snowboard again. Everything is fucking shit and Daniel’s money won’t make anything better. It will just make you feel better because you feel bad. They were your friends after all.”

“Daniel is not my friend!” Hiro said in a shrill voice.

I rolled my eyes in annoyance. “Same fucking difference. Caleb, Daniel, whatever. Same shit.”

“Crew, I’m sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. You think I wanted to take you to Colorado just so you could almost get killed?” Hiro asked in a hurt tone.

I shook my head and looked away from him.

Deep down I knew none of this was his fault and that he really didn’t want anything bad to happen to me, but I couldn’t help being irrational at this point. The words and thoughts were flying out of my mouth before I could stop them. Perhaps then, on some level, I did blame Hiro. Subconscious thoughts had to come from somewhere, right?

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” I said with finality. “It means nothing. It’s useless. Talking about it won’t make anything better. It will only piss me off more.”

“I think we should talk about it,” Hiro said stubbornly. “You’re shutting me out. I want you to be able to talk to me. Tell me what you’re feeling. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“You fucking know what’s wrong!” I snapped, waving at my wheelchair. “Can it be any more obvious?”

“Crew, I know you’re feeling upset and angry right now, rightfully so, but I can help you, if you let me. I want to be there for you, but you still have to let me. I love you Crew, you know that.”

Those were the words I just didn’t want to hear right now. I didn’t want to hear how Hiro loved me, especially since I hated myself at the moment and couldn’t even treat Hiro like a decent human being. I felt pretty worthless right now and Hiro’s kindness and endearing words were making me feel worse.

“Just stop Hiro,” I finally said. He looked at me with confusion. “You should just go.”

“Crew, please don’t be this way.”

I gritted my teeth in annoyance. “Hiro, just leave. Your whole attitude is making me sick.”

Hiro closed his eyes and sighed deeply, probably out of frustration and exhaustion. I suddenly noticed he appeared tired. We sat together in silence for a bit.

“I need a break,” I said quietly.

He looked up at me. “What?”

“I think we should break up,” I said, my entire body feeling hollow. It was painful to even say these words and even more painful to look at Hiro’s reaction. He looked stunned. He was silent for awhile, before he spoke in a controlled tone.

“Why?”

“I can’t do this. I just don’t feel like being around anyone right now. To be honest I just want to be left alone. If we stay together, I’ll feel like shit for being such a bad boyfriend and treating you like dirt. You’re better off without me,” I said.

He shook his head. “No, I’m definitely not better off without you. I need you. Just like you need me right now, except that you’re pushing me away.”

I sighed. That was something I’d expected him to say. It was directly out of “Hiro Takashami’s Book of Soothing Phrases.”

“Don’t you get it? I need space.”

“I can give you space,” Hiro said, swallowing hard. “But I don’t want to break up.”

I rubbed my eyes. “Whatever, just go.”

Hiro stood up. “I leave tomorrow morning. I’ll let you know what happens and if we need any statements from you. I think we might.”

“Whatever.”

Hiro sighed and rubbed his head. “I love you Crew. I know that you just want to be alone, but isolating yourself won’t help you through these dark moments. As annoying as it sounds, you need people to get through this, whether it’s physical help or emotional support. I promise to try to make things right, but you have to let me be there for you. I love you, and I’ll give you your space, as much time as you need, but I’m not going anywhere,” he said determinedly.

“What if I don’t want to be with you anymore?” I asked defiantly. I didn’t really mean that, but I felt like challenging him. He always knew what to say and was always right. I was just sick of it. I wanted to throw him a curveball. Cruel, I know, but I didn’t give a shit at this point. I had completely abandoned rationality.

Hiro blanched. “You don’t mean that.”

I let out a sarcastic laugh. “How come everyone keeps telling me how I feel or what I’m thinking or what I mean? Can’t I talk for myself? What I say doesn’t count anymore? No, Hiro, I mean it,” I said, feeling angry now.

His face filled with hurt, his eyes full of sadness. “Why are you doing this?” he asked in a soft voice. “I know you Crew. I know you don’t mean what you’re saying. You’re just lashing out.”

“Stop acting like my shrink!” I yelled. “I want to break up. Can’t you fucking understand that? Holy fuck Hiro, I thought you were smarter than this!”

Hiro’s fists were tightly clenched and his jaw muscles were twitching.

“Maybe it’s better off that you’re going to Colorado. Maybe start things with Caleb again. I’m sure he’d be real happy to see you. After all, he’s the reason for all this shit,” I sneered cruelly. “Him and his secret feelings for you,” I mocked.

Hiro’s eyes snapped to mine. He actually looked angry for a change.

“You know, no one ever listens to me when I tell them something,” I said chuckling. “I told you I didn’t trust Caleb and that he was trouble--which he was--and still in love with you. But no one listens to me! Now look what happened! Fucking ironic, huh?” I asked full blown laughing now. I laughed so hard, tears fell out of my eyes. Hiro stood there, watching me silently.

I finally looked at him. “It’s over Hiro. Leave. I don’t want to see you anymore. I’d rather be alone and struggle through all this shit by myself. I’ve always dealt with whatever fucked up shit life has thrown my way. I don’t need you or anyone else holding my hand along the way.”

“You’re so different,” Hiro muttered to himself. “This isn’t you.”

“People change. A lot of stuff has happened to me. I’m entitled to change once in awhile,” I retorted.

“Fine,” Hiro finally said quietly. “You want space? You want to be alone? You got it. I’ll give you what you want. I’m still going to try to fix this, though. I’ll do it for you, because no matter what happens, I do love you. Nothing you say or do can change that.” He headed towards the front door. “Good bye. For now.” Then he left.

The sound of the door closing was deafening to my ears, even though he shut it quietly.

I closed my eyes and immediately felt hot tears forming. What had I just done? I just shut the door on Hiro and broke up with him? Was I fucking crazy? What was happening to me? I was going downhill so fast, and I didn’t know how to stop myself. Why was all this happening to me? Why?

I had to lose my family and now my boyfriend. It seemed I was destined for an empty life. Then was it even worth it to keep on living?

I was beginning to have doubts.

************ZEKE*************

As promised, I visited Crew every weekend. I was constantly worried about him, worried about his mental state, worried about his lack of communication with Hiro. I was afraid of what was to come in the future--that he would completely cut himself off. I was around to save him the last time, but now I wasn’t. I lived in New York and I couldn’t be with Crew at the drop of a hat. I felt torn--between living my own life with Skyler, or moving back to Jersey and being with Crew. However, I got the impression that Crew didn’t want me around, or anyone else for that matter.

Six weeks after he officially got home from Colorado, I stopped by and found him sitting at the kitchen table, staring out the window blankly. His neck brace and wrist cast had come off, so he was resting his face in his hands, propped up on his elbows. His face was expressionless. I felt my stomach clench. This was not looking good.

He was so engrossed in whatever he was thinking that he didn’t notice me walk in. I took a soda from the fridge and he still didn’t notice me or budge. I walked over and sat across from him, popping open the can of soda. I took a sip and gazed at Crew. He was staring out the window, his jaw set as if he were tense. The bright July sun beamed into the kitchen and didn’t match his hard facial expression.

“Hey bud,” I said softly. He didn’t answer me. He continued looking out the window. “How you doing?” I asked cautiously.

Crew’s eyes finally made there way to me, but it seemed like he wasn’t really seeing me.
He shrugged, a very small movement of his shoulders. “Fine,” he said in a sullen voice.

I studied him and narrowed my eyes.

“Wrong answer. Try again,” I said quietly. Crew’s eyes cleared up and I finally felt that he was actually seeing me.

“How do you think I’m doing?” he finally asked after a short pause.

I blinked rapidly. His question was a fair enough question, but his tone was startling to my ears. His voice was low, his tone controlled. But his words were laced with contempt and sarcasm. I don’t think Crew had ever spoken to me in that way, in all the years I’d known him. I didn’t know how to respond right away. Luckily, I didn’t have to; Crew wasn’t quite done talking.

“You know, you don’t have to keep coming here every god damned weekend and asking me the same fucking question. ‘How you doing?’” he mocked, looking at me, his eyes filled with anger.

My mouth fell open as I stared at him with shock, my eyes wide. Once again he left me speechless. Who the fuck was this guy sitting in front of me? Certainly not my best friend.

“I think it’s pretty clear how I’m doing,” Crew continued, his eyes narrowing to slits in his pent up rage. “I don’t need you or anyone else babying me or fawning over me. I get quite enough of that from Storm and Mrs. Chin. It’s rather patronizing, you know? Reminding me of my situation. Asking if I’m alright when everyone knows I’m not. What answer are you expecting exactly? When I tell you shit is peachy, you call me a fucking liar! Then why ask in the fucking first place?” he nearly yelled. “It’s so fucking irritating!”

My mouth opened and closed several times, accompanied by tiny squeaks of surprise.

He sneered at me. “What’s wrong Zeke? Got nothing to say to me? That’s a fucking first.”

“What the fuck is your problem?” I finally exploded.

He looked at me innocently. “What do you mean?”

I frowned and sighed. “Cut the shit Crew. What’s going on? Are you ok? Did something happen? Are you any closer to getting that surgery?” I asked. I had a feeling his anger had something to do with his surgery or lack thereof.

Crew closed his eyes and didn’t answer me right away.

“No, I’m never going to get that surgery,” he said bitterly. “It’s been forever already!”

“You’ll get it soon,” I said. I inwardly cringed when I saw Crew’s expression. I guess he didn’t want to hear that.

Crew leaned back and stared at me, his expression hard. “I broke up with Hiro,” he announced, almost challengingly, as if he was expecting an argument.

My eyebrows shot up with shock. I knew Crew and Hiro weren’t exactly hanging out and that Hiro had headed back to Colorado, but I had no idea that Crew broke up with him.

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah, cause this is the face of someone who is joking,” Crew said rolling his eyes. “What the fuck do you think?”

“Why?” I asked, still bewildered.

Crew shrugged. “The timing is off. It’s just not a good time to be in a relationship, at least for me.”

“What did Hiro have to say about this?” I asked curiously.

“He said he’d give me space and that he’d always be there for me, and then he mumbled something about not giving up on me,” Crew said dismissively.

I looked at him in disbelief. “You don’t seem to give a shit about any of this!”

Crew shrugged again. “What can I say? I’m trying not to let things upset me.”

“Bullshit.”

“Our relationship isn’t going to work out right now. I need space, just like I said,” Crew replied.

I looked at him disapprovingly.

“What?” he demanded defensively.

“How could you do that? To yourself and to Hiro? You really hurt Hiro. Don’t you care?”

“Hiro’s fine,” he said in a cold tone.

“Of course he looked fine. He never shows any emotion. But everyone knows how much he loves you, except you, you fucking idiot!” I snapped.

“Get the hell out Zeke! Go back to your perfect little life in New York with Skyler. Don’t do me any favors by visiting all the time, like some pathetic charity case.”

“I can’t believe I’m hearing this,” I said. “You’re not a charity case. You’re my best friend. I’m here for you, like I always am!” I was getting frustrated. Nothing I said seemed to be getting through to him.

“Then why are you attacking me and defending Hiro? Aren’t you supposed to be on my side?”

“I’m always on your side!” I groaned with annoyance. “I’m trying to be here for you, you shit head.”

“Well if you were really on my side, you would have just accepted that I broke up with Hiro and then moved onto a different subject,” Crew said, pouting slightly. “Instead you’re telling me I made a huge mistake.”

“I didn’t say it was a huge mistake,” I pointed out. “Deep down in that head of yours, you know it was a mistake.”

Crew avoided my eyes. “Well, it’s still my mistake to make, right?”

I growled in agitation. “What’s your problem? I’m only trying to help you and you’re impossible to even talk to. You weren’t even this stubborn when your-” I didn’t finish my sentence. Crew’s eyes shifted slowly to mine.

“When my family was killed?” he finished for me quietly. I didn’t answer him. “You know why that is, Zeke?” he asked. “It’s because that was the first tragedy in my life. You helped me through it. I’ll forever be grateful for that.” He looked at me, his large blue eyes filled with tears, making them appear glassy and almost doll-like, with the way he didn’t blink at all.

“This is my second tragedy. How many tragedies do I have to battle before I’m entitled to act a certain way?” he asked in a dead tone. The dam broke and tears slowly trickled out of his eyes, making tear marks along his rosy cheeks.

“Crew, what happened to you was terrible, god awful, but you’re alive! You can get better. Everything can be ok again, with time,” I reasoned gently.

“But what if I don’t want to go through all that again? The daily struggle of trying to get better, to where I would feel normal again? What if I’ve had enough?” Crew asked. “What if I don’t want to try anymore? To fight so much against the odds?”

“What do you mean by having had enough?” I asked, my voice getting shrill with fear of what he may be referring to.

“I feel as if, why even bother, you know?” he continued, ignoring my question. “Why even try to be happy? While I want to get better really fast, it seems kind of pointless, right? Just think, once I can walk and run or whatever, and pretend Hiro and I are living happily ever after, something else will go wrong. I mean, that’s just my life! That’s just my fate or curse or fucking whatever!” Crew yelled. “Everything has to go wrong in my life, at some point, just so I can never be fucking happy. Perhaps Hiro will die or get hurt, or maybe you, or Sky, or Storm. Isn’t it better to cut myself off and be alone, so I never have to be in pain again? Sure, I’ll be lonely, but at least I’ll never have to feel pain for anyone else but myself.”

I shook my head at everything he was saying. Crew was half making sense. He didn’t want to grieve for anyone else, but he was ok with feeling pain alone? I wasn’t getting that concept.

“So you’re just going to give up?” I asked. “You can’t think like that. It’s a defeatist attitude,” I sputtered. “How can you think that life will never get better? I mean, that’s why we’re here on earth, to strive for a good life, for happiness and fulfillment. When it’s taken away from us, we continue our search.”

“What if someone is not meant to be happy? So why try over and over again? It becomes tiresome after awhile,” he said with an odd smile on his face.

I shook my head at him. It was as if we were going in circles.

I held out my arms. “I want to help, bottom line. So tell me what I need to do to help you.”

“Leave me alone. If I need anything, I’ll let you know,” he said in a hard tone. “Just live your life and let me deal with mine, in my own way, ok?”

My stomach was burning with anger, annoyance, frustration, defeat. Crew was driving me crazy! CRAZY!!!

I shut my mouth with a snap. I stood up. “Fine Crew. Have it your way. You’re on your own from now on. You won’t have to see me anymore. I won’t come back on weekends, unless Skyler wants to.”

“Good.”

“Good,” I called out as I headed to the front door.

“Great!” Crew snapped.

I gritted my teeth and slammed the door with all my strength. My face felt hot and I was breathing hard. I looked in the direction of the garage where Skyler was washing his car. His shirt was off and his body was wet with water and suds as he sprayed his car with the hose. He was so engrossed in his task that he didn’t even notice me coming outside.

“Fuck, it’s hot,” he muttered as he aimed the nozzle at his head and got his hair soaked. He shook his head back and forth like a dog, the choppy black pieces shaking around.

Finally, he noticed me. He grinned and shot some water in my direction. I tried to smile, but I guess my mouth wasn’t cooperating.

Sky’s smile faltered. “Hey, what’s wrong? Did my little nephew shit on you or something?” he joked. “I warned you about hanging out with babies. You have to wait until they’re at least five before doing anything with them.”

In spite of everything, I started chuckling. “No, nothing like that. And eww, by the way.”

Skyler burst out laughing and my eyes went to his stomach, where his abdominal muscles were rippling. Yeah, Skyler could always manage to cheer me up, merely by laughing and being shirtless.

“So, what’s wrong then?” he asked curiously, once he stopped laughing.

I walked closer to him. “Shit with Crew. I don’t think we should stay here for the weekend.”

Skyler frowned. “What? Why not? We stay here every weekend.”

I rested my head on his chest, even if it was wet. I stepped closer and wrapped my arms around his waist. I felt my shirt getting drenched.

“Crew, he’s just…fuck, I don’t know,” I said, tears coming to my eyes. “I feel so helpless and I don’t know what to do anymore. God, fuck, why is everything so fucked up. Especially for him?”

Sky’s arms tightened around me and I felt his lips on my neck. “Hey, calm down baby. It will be ok. Crew’s in a difficult place right now. It’s heartbreaking to see him like that, all down and out, but we have to accept it. People grieve and get better in different ways.”

I didn’t answer; I hugged him tighter, needing his support. Skyler seemed to sense that; he gripped me tighter.

“But, we don’t have to stay here this weekend. I’m down with heading back to the city. You know how I feel about having our own privacy,” he said in teasing voice.

I buried my face in his chest and snuggled closer to him. Skyler laughed. “Cheer up Zeke. Come on; help me dry my car and then we can do the exciting task of waxing it.”

“That’s your way to cheer me up?” I demanded, pulling away from him. “Waxing your car?”

He looked at me innocently. “I can make anything fun,” he drawled out. “Besides, help me wax and then we can shower together.”

I groaned and glanced at the kitchen window where I imagined Crew was still sitting and staring aimlessly. That image made my chest hurt.

A towel was chucked at my face. “Stop worrying about Crew. Nothing will make him better faster except for time. You can’t rush time, so deal with it, ok? That’s my dose of reality for you,” he said matter of fact. He pointed to the towel in my hand. “Now get started. My Infiniti is going to take awhile. And nice circular motions, baby. My beauty needs to have the utmost care.”

I rolled my eyes. “You and your car. You’re the one that drives like a maniac.”

“Well yeah, but now I have to take care of it. You know, you work your body hard, you go to a spa, get a massage. So a car needs a good washing and waxing,” he reasoned, smiling at me adorably.

I laughed and took the towels and gingerly placed it on his car. I exaggerated my motions for him. He laughed loudly.

I couldn’t help glancing back at the kitchen window, wondering if Crew was staring outside blankly. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t ignore Crew and his situation; he was too important to me. His problem was my problem; it gnawed at me. Unfortunately, I had no clue how to fix this.

This might be one situation that was unfixable. That really scared the hell out of me.

**************BRYCE*************

I looked at Helaku as he slept soundly.

I loved Sunday mornings because we never had to get up early for work or rush off to do some errands. Instead we could sleep in and relax. I always woke up early regardless of what day it was; I had some internal alarm clock that got me up at 6 AM every morning.

On Sundays I relished the extra hours to gaze at Hela. He was even more beautiful when he was sleeping. It was the look of peace and bliss on his face that I really enjoyed looking at.

This morning was no different.

Hela’s arms were wrapped around his pillow and the blanket was hanging low on his hips, the white color contrasting against his naturally tan skin. I ran my fingers lightly down Hela’s side, enjoying the soft feel of his skin. I continued until my fingertips reached the thin sheet around him. I slowly grazed his hip, down his thigh, and up to the back of his ass where I rubbed the firm muscle gently.

Hela sighed and mumbled something before turning over onto his back, falling back asleep and breathing evenly. I smiled when I saw his morning wood creating a tent in the sheet, but I didn’t want to disturb him. Leaning over slowly, I laid my head on his chest, feeling the rise and fall, and hearing his steady heartbeat.

I don’t know how long we lay in this position, but I estimated it to be about two hours, because I fell back asleep and was woken up by the gentle backrub Hela was giving me.
I lifted my head and met his green eyes and the soft smile playing across his lips.

“Hi,” I said smiling.

“Hey,” he answered, still rubbing my back.

“How long were you up?” I asked.

“About ten minutes ago,” he said as he pulled me tighter against his body, “I love watching you sleep, not that I get to do it often,” he added.

I kissed his chest. “You hungry?”

“Yeah,” he said, caressing my cheek.

“I’ll start breakfast, since we’re both up,” I said starting to pull away.

Hela pulled me back down and I looked at him with wonder until he pressed his lips briefly against mine.

“Now you can go,” he said smiling and patting my ass gently as I stepped off to go to the bathroom.

***************

Strong arms wrapped around my waist just as I was finishing up the eggs. Butterfly kisses were applied across my shoulder blades and I smiled as I added some salt to the eggs.

“Make yourself useful and put the plates on the table,” I said teasingly as I handed him the eggs and sausages. I took the platter of pancakes and fruit.

“Thanks baby, it looks great,” Hela said gratefully.

As we sat down to eat, I saw him shooting me glances every once in awhile.

“What’s up baby?” I asked him expectantly.

“I was just thinking,” he said casually.

“About?”

“About our future.”

I raised my brows, “Our future?”

“Yeah and I was just thinking,” he said quietly.

“You’re killing me here, Hela!” I burst out.

He laughed, “Nothing bad,” he said holding up his hands, “I just want us to take the next step.”

“The next step?” I asked questioningly.

“I was looking into some houses in the Brunswick areas,” he began and I was shocked. Ages ago, we had talked about buying a house together once I moved out of my own house and sold it, but we had gotten lazy and remained in Hela’s apartment. Hela had never even mentioned that he was looking into real estate.

“You were?”

“Yeah,” he said nodding, “It’s time we got an actual house, since renting doesn’t really benefit us,” he explained. “It is a nice suburban area. It has a really good school district and the specific house I was looking at is in a newly built development.”

I watched Hela’s eyes light up with enthusiasm as he continued, “The house is big, Bryce. So spacious. Four bedrooms!”

I smiled.

“Want to take a look at it?”

“Yeah, ok,” I said still smiling at Hela but then a thought occurred to me, “Wait, why did you mention the good school system?”

Hela grinned, “I’m ready to start on that family,” he said shrugging.

My mouth fell open, “Really?”

He laughed, “Yeah, really.”

“Wow,” I responded, “What brought this on?”

His green eyes pierced into me, “We’ve been through so much together; at least it feels like it. I mean, meeting each other, hate at first sight-”

“I never hated you,” I corrected and he smiled.

“Ok, some dislike on my part at first sight; then becoming best friends; then partners; getting through our mini breakup stronger than ever; and moving in together. With what happened at work the other day, with Nigel” he said pausing, “just made me realize how much I love you. I want to be with you--and only you--forever. Now I feel ready to start something new in my life, with you,” he said looking into my eyes lovingly.

“Helaku,” I whispered, feeling myself get emotional.

“So how about it?” he asked looking at me with a content smile, “Want to check out this house with me and then visit an adoption agency? My Dad knows some people.”

“Yes, Hela, I would love that,” I said happily, bouncing a little in my seat.

He laughed, “You’re so cute.”

I stuck my tongue out at him, “Cute?”

Hela chuckled, “Absolutely. The cutest thing on the face of this earth.”

I took his hand in mine and kissed it.

“You know the real reason I think we’re ready for a baby?” he asked me.

I shook my head no.

“It’s the little things,” he said, “like how we divide the household activities- the laundry and cleaning; how we make sure to have every meal together; you cook me breakfast and dinner or pack our lunches everyday.”

“Are you insinuating I’m a woman?” I asked raising my eyebrow mockingly.

Hela laughed throwing his head back, “Not at all,” he responded mischievously. I yelped in surprise when I felt his hand squeeze my package and rub it a few times gently. “You are all man, that’s for sure,” Hela said licking his lips seductively, making me blush. His face turned serious as he met my eyes head on, “But the real reason I know we’re ready is because we already are a family,” he said simply.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I pulled his face towards mine, planting a hungry, passionate kiss on his lips, eagerly seeking out his tongue and loving the warmth of his mouth.

“Oh god, when you say things like that, it drives me fucking crazy,” I said panted as I pulled away from him.

“Yeah?” Hela asked planting one kiss after another on my lips.

“It makes me love you even more. It makes me realize how lucky I was to have met you. I give myself a pat on the back for finally going after you and making you mine.” I paused when Hela kissed me again.

“I swear to god, I’ll never let you go Hela. You’re mine and I’m yours. That’s the way it’s gonna be. Forever,” I said staring lovingly into his deep green eyes.

“You promise?” Hela whispered, his face coming closer.

“I promise,” I replied meeting his lips.

***********BRYCE***********

The location of our future house was perfect. The development was huge and spacious. The entire town was like that, in fact. It looked clean, and inviting--a perfect suburban area to raise a child.

OUR child.

Helaku seemed ecstatic that I liked the house and was interested in putting down an offer right away. He also seemed eager to keep things moving along.

He looked at me and smiled, "Want to set up a meeting with an adoption agency? I'm sure there's a young, knocked-up girl somewhere that can't handle her kid."

I slapped his arm and laughed, "You're horrible!”

"What?" he asked innocently, "It's true!"

"Just get us home, you ass!" I teased.

***************

"How about we get this one?" Hela asked excitedly pointing at the baby on the cover of the pamphlet.

I rolled my eyes, "Calm yourself, Hela! We don't just order a baby; there's more to it than that."

"I know," Hela said studying the baby with a goofy smile on his face.

"I mean, we have to be interviewed and observed to make sure we're fit to be parents. Who knows how they'll take the whole gay issue," I rambled nervously, "Then we have to wait for someone to look through our file--if we get approved in the first place--and then pick us, and then meet us, and then decide they like us enough to say yes." I didn't even realize I was pacing back and forth until I bumped into Hela's firm body.

Hela grabbed my shoulders, "Breathe, Bryce. One step at a time, ok? We'll get through this. It will be ok. Trust me."

I took a deep breath and looked into his green eyes; they had a calming effect on me. "Ok," I said exhaling.

Hela smiled, kissing me briefly. "It will be fine, Bryce. My Dad knows these people, so he wouldn't send us to homophobic pricks, alright?" he added reassuringly.

I took another breath and blew it out, "Yeah, yeah of course he wouldn't."

Hela took my hand in his and led me to the entrance of the adoption agency. He strode forward purposefully and went to the front desk.

"Hi, we have an appointment with Marcy Davis," Hela said smiling charmingly at the receptionist who smiled in return.

"What is your name, sir?"

"Helaku McAdams."

The receptionist took the phone and quickly pressed some buttons, "Mrs. Davis, there is a Mr. Helaku McAdams to see you."

She hung up the phone and smiled again, "You can go straight down and her office is on the right."

"Thank you," Hela said and took my hand again as he started confidently toward the office.

Marcy Davis was an attractive 40-something-year-old woman with a friendly smile. She stood up and we exchanged handshakes. She motioned for us to take a seat in the chairs opposite her desk.

"Helaku, your Dad mentioned you and Bryce were very interested in adopting," she said smiling, getting right to the point.

"That's right," Hela agreed looking at me, "I'm just at that point in my life where everything is going well and on track. I feel ready for a family."

Marcy nodded, "I heard things were going well for you. You are working at James’s advertising company. James told me you have been doing excellent work," she said approvingly.

I was getting the impression that Hela's Dad didn't just know this woman; they were good friends as well.

Hela smiled and looked down, "Well, Uncle James gave me a great opportunity. I didn't want to let him down, so I put my all into it. It just turned out that I enjoyed what I was doing," he said smoothly and Marcy smiled again.

"I am glad to hear that," she said before she opened her drawer and began shuffling through some papers. "So, let’s start with some basic questions. I need to have an idea of what kind of child you‘re looking for, whether it be from within the country or abroad,” she began smiling.

Hela and I shifted in our seats, paying close attention. While she was reaching for some documents for us to look at, Hela nudged me and I glanced over at him.

“Let’s get a cool baby, from like a cool country,” he said, his eyes sparkling. “Not from China. That’s so out. Let’s get one from Africa- if that’s still the cool thing to do,” he grinned. I rolled my eyes. He was definitely having way too much fun with this.

“We’re not shopping for a sweater, you know,” I reminded him. “These are actual babies. Like people,” I mocked.

“So you say,” he shot back, smiling. “Technically we kinda are,” he whispered before returning his attention back to Marcy.

I shook my head. Hela always had to have the last word.

 

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