Jumping Over My Mountain - 26. Chapter 26

Jumping Over My Mountain
by Tiffani Chin

Chapter 26

---------------------------------------------

SIX MONTHS LATER

***********HIRO**********

“Hiro, have you started packing?” my grandmother asked.

I looked up startled when she entered my bedroom. I sat on my bed, staring at pictures of Crew and me. Crew was so beautiful in these pictures. His smile was so wide and his eyes so bright. Now, he looked so different. So dark and moody. I missed my Crew.

I sighed heavily and stuffed the pictures back into my bag.

“I’m just about finished,” I answered offering a small smile.

The next morning I was heading back to New Jersey. I had stayed in Colorado longer than I originally intended because of my little falling out with Crew. I hadn’t been expecting Crew to act that way, and I felt like I needed to get away and collect myself and my emotions. I didn’t feel like sticking around knowing that Crew didn’t want me there. I had never been so hurt in my life.

As soon as I arrived in Colorado, I personally filed charges against Caleb and Daniel, with help from my grandfather and his lawyer friends. I don’t know why I didn’t think to do that before--right when Crew was injured; it never occurred to me. I was so shocked and worried, and Crew didn’t initially remember what had happened. The hospital staff thought it had just been a very bad snowboarding accident. Crew wasn’t in the mind set to press charges. Everyone else was just as in much shock. But after seeing how miserable Crew was, I had to do something. Even if it wouldn’t bring Crew back to normal, I had to try to make things right, at least somewhat.

The proceedings were fast. Faster than I expected. It was a whirlwind.

Shortly after I filed charges, the DA flew to see Crew and got a sworn statement from him. Combined with my statement, Caleb’s admission that he knew Daniel was going to do something to Crew, the outfit Daniel was wearing that day, all the witnesses who saw Daniel or Crew hurt, as well as testimonies from the nurses and attending physician during Crew’s hospital stay; Daniel’s parents were quick to act. Both Caleb’s and Daniel’s families were wealthy, but Daniel’s family was loaded. They had already had enough negative publicity from Daniel’s wild behavior; attempted murder was not something they wanted added to the list.

Daniel’s attorney advised him to accept the plea bargain, which would be a reduced penalty and a hefty fine. He would still serve time which the little shit deserved. A small bitter part of me hoped something bad would happen to him in jail.

Directly thereafter, our lawyer filed a civil suit for punitive damages. It would take awhile before that was sorted out, but I was confident it would go well. Daniel’s parents would not benefit from this; a payout was the best option for them.

I rubbed my face and eyes. I suddenly felt so tired and drained. I needed a nap. I needed to take a walk.

I stood up and my grandmother looked at me with concern.

“Where are you going?” she asked curiously.

I smiled at her and kissed her forehead. “Just for a walk. Be back soon.” I bundled up and stepped outside, breathing in the cold, crisp air.

I walked around aimlessly, not knowing where I was going, but knowing I wouldn’t get lost. I could wander around forever and always make my way back. I just knew my way around this tiny town.

I didn’t really notice anyone else around me, although there were people about. I wasn’t planning on stopping or making conversation until I felt faint pressure on my elbow. I looked up and came face-to-face with Caleb.

He looked different than I remembered ever seeing him. He too looked tired and drained, his once handsome face appearing washed out. He had dark circles under his dreary blue eyes, as if he hadn’t slept at all in the last months. His shoulders were slumped, and his lips set in a firm line.

“Hiro,” he stated awkwardly, his pale eyes darting around.

I didn’t say anything and turned slowly, intending to walk away. I had nothing to say to him. I didn’t think I would ever know what it was like to feel hatred, but I was feeling something pretty close to that right now.

I took large steps on the snow.

“Hiro, I’m sorry,” he called out. “I never meant for this to happen—that it would get so out of hand.”

I didn’t stop.

“I know what I did was wrong, but I did it all because I love you!” he said louder.

I stopped in my tracks. I started breathing harder and I was getting a little hot. I spun around and walked closer to him.

“Because you love me?” I asked calmly, but he knew me well enough to know that I was anything but calm. “Because you love me?!?” I nearly shouted. He took a fearful step back, no doubt remembering when I had almost choked him the last time. “That’s the most fucked up thing I’ve ever heard. You don’t love me. You never did! You just did all this shit because you saw me with someone else and you got jealous, possessive, and competitive. You and I never worked. When I left, I never heard from you. We were over! But as soon as I came back here and as soon as you saw Crew, you got these fucked up ideas in your head. Crew warned me, but I just brushed him off,” I said shaking my head, becoming angry at myself. “I should have listened to him. Why didn’t I listen to him?” I asked myself in a quieter tone. I wanted to yank on my hair, and feel some kind of pain or inflict some kind of punishment on myself, but my hair was too short to do such a thing.

Caleb didn’t have anything to say to that because we both knew what I said was true. He stared at the ground and so did I, lost in the pure white color.

“I’m done,” I said in a controlled tone. “I’m done with you; I’m done with this place. I’m just here for Crew.” I cleared my throat. “He deserves something for his suffering. That boy doesn’t need to suffer anymore. He’s suffered more than some people have suffered in a lifetime. He’s such a good person,” I added softly. “Why do the good people suffer the most?”

The hatred was building again within my gut, spreading to my chest. I knew I had to walk away soon, before I did something I’d regret or that would land me in jail.

“Is he,” he hesitated, “Is he…doing better?” Caleb asked haltingly.

“No,” I said simply. “Physically, I know he’ll get there. He had the surgery already, but there’s a long road ahead of him before he’s back to normal, if ever. He’s strong and has support, but mentally and emotionally, I’m not too sure,” I said, remembering all the words Crew had thrown at me when I had last seen him. I had never heard him speak that way before. It appeared he had hit rock bottom. “There’s only so much a person can take before they break. I think he wants to give up on life, but is kind of hanging in between right now. I have to do everything I can to make sure he hangs on.”

I knew that was going to prove difficult. From what I had heard from Storm, Crew had really been acting out the last six months--ever since he got home. He got in a huge fight with Zeke and they were barely talking. Storm was ready to strangle Crew himself. Even Mrs. Chin was gritting her teeth when she was around him. It was such a change from his cheery, innocent self.

I felt a stinging sensation behind my eyes. I looked down, coughed, and pinched the bridge of my nose in an attempt to gain some control. I cleared my throat loudly.

“I love him,” I stated, not knowing if it was meant for Caleb’s ears, my ears, or what; I just needed to say it. I felt it, for sure. I felt love for Crew. I loved him and was in love, but even I needed to remind myself why I was fighting and still hanging on. It would be easy to give up on Crew, walk away, and save myself; but I loved him, and that wasn’t an option.

“I love him,” I said again. Without another glance at Caleb, I continued walking.

**************

I clenched my jaw in frustration and wondered how I had gotten myself into this.

Upon my return to New Jersey, my grandmother immediately put me to work, claiming I could not sit around feeling sorry for myself, which was tempting to do these days. So she had hooked me up with a guy in high school who needed some serious tutoring and right now I could tell why. The kid was lazy! He liked to talk! I couldn’t get him to concentrate, no matter what.

For the past three weeks, I’ve helped him with his math and English homework, and even his Economics projects. I don’t know why he bothered with Economics; he didn’t understand any of the theories or concepts. The only thing he was kind of good at was history, but that was only because he could memorize dates well.

“How can you memorize dates, but not a formula?” I asked in exasperation as I worked with him on his calculus homework.

“I don’t know,” Patty said smiling widely, his red curls bouncing around, and his freckled face staring back at me. “Hey, did your grandma make any more cookies?” he asked hopefully.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Cookies--where all this began. My grandmother loved to bake and whenever there was a gathering or church function, she brought cookies. Apparently that was how she met Patty McGrady and his family. He ate all her cookies and my grandmother learned from his mother of his inadequate studying habits; thus, I became a tutor. A freelance tutor, no less. I really did want to tear out my nonexistent hair.

“So my prom is coming up soon,” Patty continued. “There’s this girl I really like and I want to take her. But we don’t know each other too well. How do you think I should ask her without seeming like some giant stalker who resembles a giraffe?”

I smiled back at his grinning face, in spite of my less than cheerful mood.

“Focus, Patty. That’s not related at all to calc,” I reminded.

He shook his head and waved his hand in a dismissive manner. “Calc, smalc! How will calc formulas help me in the real world? I know all the basics. I can add and subtract and figure out the tip when I eat out. I can read and form a sentence. I have enough to get me through life. Why does this matter?” Patty asked.

The corners of my lips turned up.

“What really matters,” Patty said dramatically, leaning forward, “Is… how am I going to get Melissa to go to the prom with me?”

I threw my head back and chuckled, really wanting to tear my hair out.

**************SKYLER***********

I smiled as I saw Zeke chilling with the DJ. His shoulders were moving gracefully along with the music, his large headphones bobbing in time to the beat.

I was glad he was having a good time; I knew he was still feeling bummed over his fight with Crew. Over the last seven or so months, they had barely talked at all. I knew for a fact that it was killing Zeke. Zeke felt helpless, but what could he really do? Crew didn’t want to be helped. He needed time. Time was something that couldn’t be rushed.

I actually got along best with Crew, out of everyone in my family. Then again, I saw him the least and I didn’t try to get in his face. But I’ll admit, it was very awkward being in the same room with those two, whenever we did come to visit. I felt bad for my Mom and Storm who were having a much harder time with Crew.

It’s not that I didn’t care about Crew. I cared a lot about him; but some people couldn’t understand that everyone had wallowing periods and their wallowing periods were of different durations. Crew would come get help when ready. Only if he was preparing to off himself, was intervention necessary. Or if he was about to harm someone else. Hide those knives, I advised my mother, which only earned me a sharp slap to the head. I knew she must be frustrated. Her slaps only packed punch when she was frustrated, which I knew something about, considering she had raised a crazy child, A.K.A: ME!

With the exception of the whole Crew drama, I think Zeke and I were having the time of our lives: living in New York, being together, working, having fun. I had never been happier, which was saying a shit load, since I was always a pretty merry dude. Zeke and I were having fun, not taking anything too seriously and I loved it. Zeke was exploring his creative interests. Who wanted to go all corporate anyway?

The more I worked at this club, the more I realized I didn’t ever want to wear a stupid suit and tie. The idea of having my own business was building on me. It was nice waking up every morning and not knowing what the hell to do with myself.

“Hey!” a voice said, interrupting my thoughts. I blinked my eyes a few times, as I focused on the person.

“Hey, what can I get you?” I asked automatically.

“My name is Alexandra, but I’m strictly here for a friend,” the tall, slim girl with red hair said simply and boldly.

I frowned slightly, half smiling, “What?”

“My friend,” the girl repeated. She looked behind her, nodding in the direction towards the lounge where a small group of girls were sitting, “Thinks you’re really hot.”

I smirked, “Well, most people do.”

She laughed, “Annabelle has been eyeing you all night, although she won’t admit it.”

“Why won’t she admit it?” I asked grinning, “I’m used to it by now.”

Alexandra burst out laughing, “You’re funny. What’s your name?”

“Skyler,” I said holding out my hand and she smiled, shaking it.

“Nice to meet you, Skyler,” Alexandra said smiling, showing off a nice set of dimples, “So, are you interested in meeting my friend?”

“How come she didn’t talk to me herself?” I asked curiously.

“She’s a little shy, a little weary of men. Her last boyfriend was a real dick,” Alexandra said bluntly.

“What a way to sell a guy,” I said.

Alexandra shrugged, “Figured I’d be upfront. Do you think she’s cute?”

“Which one is Annabelle?” I asked.

“The one in the pink shirt with white lace trimming,” Alexandra explained.

I scanned my eyes over the group and picked out Annabelle from where I was standing; “She’s cute,” I affirmed.

“So would you date her?” Alexandra pressed.

I chuckled, “I would,” I paused. “But I’m gay.”

Alexandra’s eyes opened wide, “Really? Get out! Damn it; she was right.”

I raised my brow, “She knew I was gay and you still approached me?”

“She didn’t know for sure you were gay. Your mannerisms aren’t gay or anything like that,” Alexandra explained, “She just assumed, what with your hair and tight clothing, and you’re so good looking,” she listed off.

“Of course,” I agreed when she mentioned the ‘good looking’ part. Alexandra smiled.

“I thought she was just making excuses not to come up to you, so I brushed it off,” Alexandra said. “Ah well, I tried. It was nice meeting you either way,” she said in a friendly manner.

She turned to leave, but I grabbed her wrist and gently pulled her back. She shot me a confused look.

“Bring your friend here,” I instructed an idea forming.

Alexandra looked even more puzzled, but she turned to her friends and waved Annabelle over. Annabelle blushed with embarrassment as she slowly made her way over to us.

Up close, I got a better look at her. She was pretty tall for an Asian woman. She was wearing heels; without them, I’d estimate her height to be 5’6, give or take an inch. She was slender, as were most Asian women. She had really nice tan skin, large round eyes, an oval face, high cheekbones, and a sweet smile. I liked her hair. It was long and thick, shiny and flowing, as it cascaded down her bare shoulders.

God, I was analyzing her hair. I was so freaking gay.

“You were right,” Alexandra said nudging Annabelle.

Annabelle’s eyes widened, “I told you not to go over here.” She looked at me, blushing further, “Sorry about this,” she stammered. She grabbed Alexandra’s hand, turning to walk away.

“Wait,” I called out and both girls faced me again.

I leaned forward in a conspiring manner, “I may have a solution to all of this,” and the girls exchanged confused, yet curious, glances. I smiled, “I’m taken by the hot blond in the DJ booth, but-”

Alexandra interrupted with a squeal, “He’s so hot! Damn it, he’s gay too! What the fuck?”

I threw my head back and laughed, “Yeah, he is. We’ve been together two years,” I said, “But anyway, I feel bad that I can’t go out with you Annabelle--you know--since you think I’m so hot and everything,” I continued teasingly, causing her to blush more, “However,” I said holding up a finger, “I happen to have a brother who lives in New Jersey.” I took another breath, “He’s straight,” I added and Annabelle smiled. “We’re twins.” Annabelle’s brow shot up with interest. “Identical twins,” I finished.

Annabelle was full blown smiling now. “Really?”

“I wouldn’t lie to you Annabelle,” I grinned. “Why don’t you give me your number and I can set something up. We’re always visiting each other, whether I go out there or he comes to see me. Where do you live?” I asked tilting my head.

“In Jersey City,” she replied.

“Not bad, I will definitely have to set something up,” I said handing her a napkin and a pen.

I smiled at her as she wrote her number down, “So you two think I’m hot, huh? What do you like best about me?” I asked; both girls giggled. “It’s the hair, isn’t it?”

“Skyler, you’re too much,” Alexandra said flipping her hair, smiling and leaning over the counter, in a flirty manner.

“So what’s your brother like?” Annabelle asked with excitement in her eyes.

I took the napkin with her number and put it in my pocket, before I leaned forward again so she could hear me better.

“Our faces and bodies are the same, so it’s not like you’ll get someone shorter or fatter than me. That would totally suck ass,” I said cheekily, “His style is really simple and clean cut. No piercing, no tattoos, he has short hair,” I stated.

“What does he do for fun?” Alexandra pressed. Annabelle looked at me expectantly.

I considered my answer carefully. I didn’t want to let Annabelle know right away about Storm’s son, so I decided to focus on Storm’s interests, pre-baby.

“We’re both athletic,” I said, “We have been snowboarding instructors since we were 16. I play hockey, but he goes for basketball. There’s rollerblading, skateboarding, all kinds of things we tried. In college, he liked to hit the gym a lot. I think boxing was his preference.”

“Is his personality like yours?” Alexandra asked.

I smirked, “Listen, no one has a personality like mine. I’m one of a kind.”

Alexandra and Annabelle laughed.

I turned serious, “He’s definitely more responsible than I am,” I said lying through my teeth; I mean, he had a baby out of wedlock. Talk about utilizing my marketing skills. “He’s hardworking and serious about whatever he has going on in his life at the moment.”

Alexandra slapped Annabelle’s arm, “Just like Anna here.”

“So when is he available next?” Annabelle asked shyly.

I smiled, knowing that Storm was home everyday, “He’s pretty open,” I said nodding, “Would you want to have a date here, in the city? I can get him to come by one weekend.”

“Yeah, that would be great,” Annabelle said softly.

“Alright, I’ll get right on it,” I said pointing at her. I glanced around the bar, “I should be doing actual work, ladies. Thanks for coming here and introducing your lovely selves,” I said charmingly.

“Oh, why are you gay?” Alexandra asked eyeing me.

I laughed, “Because the person I love happens to be a man, so that would typically classify me as gay,” I answered casually. “Although I can appreciate a pretty girl,” I said nodding at them.

“What a bummer,” Alexandra said shaking her head, “God, why are all the good ones gay?”

“That is one giant mystery,” I added dramatically, causing them to giggle.

***************

“You want to set me up with a girl? Now?” Storm asked incredulously while he balanced Sean in one arm and got a jar of baby food from the fridge.

Sean was squirming, trying to get out of Storm’s grip. His small arms stretched out, as if trying to touch me. I laughed and yanked on his tiny hands, before kissing his chubby cheek.

“Cute little baby,” I murmured, pinching his cheeks. I followed Storm around the kitchen as we continued our conversation.

“I know it’s bad timing when you’re so busy with Sean and all,” I said sitting on the barstool at the kitchen counter; “but she’s a nice girl, kinda shy, quiet, and pretty. Just because you have a baby doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a life and be happy.”

“I am happy,” Storm said setting Sean in a baby seat. It took a couple tries, because Sean kept pushing away from the seat. His mouth was open in a large smile as his foot kicked the seat. “Sean, come on,” Storm muttered as he pinned Sean’s legs together and nudged him gently into the seat. Then he got a spoon and opened the jar of baby food.

I rolled my eyes and joined him at the table, “Dude, having a baby isn’t enough to make you completely happy. You need a woman; you’re a guy; you got needs that a baby can’t fulfill,” I said raising my eyebrows meaningfully as I pointed at Sean while he sloppily ate.

“I know,” Storm said sighing, “But I’m so busy with Sean. I’m tired all the time. I need to find a job, eventually get my own place,” he listed off with a heavy sigh. “Girls are what got me into trouble in the first place.”

“Storm, bro, it’s one date. It doesn’t have to lead anywhere serious. She’s a nice girl, but maybe you guys won’t click on a romantic level,” I reasoned, “Worse comes to worst, you make a new friend and have someone to help you baby-sit in the future.”

Storm laughed as he wiped Sean’s face, “Skyler, I don’t know.”

“Come on, you need a break from Mom and Sean. You’re in need of a relaxing night. It will be fun, dinner in New York; the weather isn’t too cold yet. Come on,” I cajoled, “I’ll even baby-sit,” I finally offered with a big smile.

Storm looked at me and raised his brow, tilting his head, “Wow, you must really want me to go on this date. What’s in it for you?” he asked curiously.

“Dude, I’m doing this for you own good! There’s nothing in it for me,” I exclaimed.

Storm was still eyeing me suspiciously.

“Jeez, can’t even help a brother out without having to answer questions. Something’s wrong with this picture,” I said folding my arms and shaking my head, “Jeez, this is what I get for thinking of you. My own flesh and blood. My identical twin!” I cried out dramatically.

Storm laughed and held up his hands to stop my spiel; “Ok!” Storm chuckled, “Alright! Fine.”

I sat up straighter, “So, you’re in?”

Storm nodded, “I could use a night out, I suppose. So I’m in. But this girl better be hot.”

“Dude, if the girl was busted, I wouldn’t even have mentioned a brother. I would have just told her I was gay and brushed her off. Come on, don’t you know me?”

Storm laughed, “You’re awful.”

“Whatever. I’m not gonna stick my own brother with a busted chick. Come on, this is me we’re talking about,” I said spreading my arms in a large arc.

“That’s true. No one is more shallow than you. I guess I shouldn’t be worried,” Storm said.

I shook my head, “Nope--have faith in your brother. Have no fear--Skyler is here.”

“Dude, you’re so fucking lame,” he said laughing and wiped the table when Sean spit up.

“What does she look like?” Storm asked.

“Tall, thin, tan, Asian, nice smile, cheekbones,” I listed off.

He nodded, “Sounds good.”

Sean spit up some more food. It seemed like more food was ending up on the table than in his mouth.

“Does he do that a lot?” I asked eyeing my nephew. His little face grinned back at me, complete with messy baby goop smeared across his mouth.

“What, spit up?”

I nodded.

“He’s a baby, he’s constantly shitting or spitting up,” Storm replied honestly. “Oh and sleeping.”

“Uh gross,” I answered. “Minus the sleeping part. Sleep is cool.”

“Have fun babysitting. I’ll make sure to feed Sean a lot more food than usual so you can have fun on diaper duty,” Storm snickered as he picked Sean up and headed to his room.

“Storm, man, that’s not even funny!” I called after him. “Why you gotta be like that when I’m doing you a favor? Is this how you treat family? That’s not even right!”

The only response I got was the sound of Storm’s loud laughter.

**************CREW*************

I was envious that everyone else was so happy. Overhearing Skyler and Storm talking and laughing consumed me with jealously. If I didn’t have this shitty injury to deal with, I’d be laughing it up with my friends too. Instead, I was skulking around, avoiding Zeke and exchanging small pleasantries with Skyler, the only person I could tolerate at the moment.

I had thought that after getting surgery done on my knees, I’d be happier, but it was the opposite. While surgery was a good thing, I knew it was only uphill from here. I still couldn’t use crutches and needed a wheelchair until my knees were a bit stronger, since both had been injured at the same time. It just seemed everything was moving in slow motion. I was still in the wheelchair. Then it was on to crutches. Then to walking slowly. Then maybe jogging, or running, and I prayed soccer and snowboarding again. It was just too scary, having to work that hard and then possibly not achieving my goals. I was definitely afraid of failing. The fear of never being the same as before made me moody, hateful, and irritable.

More than anything, I wanted to fast forward a whole year and be all better. I wanted to laugh and feel genuine joy. I wanted to listen to one of Skyler’s dumb stories, and kiss Hiro again.

Hiro. I was an idiot for pushing him away. I missed him like crazy; but I also wasn’t ready to be with him. Being with people wasn’t something I could handle at the moment. Knowing he was trying to help me by suing Daniel and Caleb made me feel even guiltier for treating him like shit. It was a vicious cycle, that’s for sure. All of these feelings combined together made my temper lethal. It was dangerous to be around me. I didn’t like that I was dangerous, a walking time bomb; but again I had no control over anything: my life, myself, or my emotions.

“I’m done,” I announced, rolling on the mat and wiping my brow. I was in the middle of my physical therapy session and I was getting cranky. I didn’t feel like putting up with this shit anymore. I got exhausted so quickly that it was practically futile to even try. I was feeling beyond hopeless.

“We still have another twenty minutes,” Brett, my physical therapist stated, placing his hands on his hips. I knew he was frustrated with me as well. I was nasty to him and not working very hard. He was there to help, but I kept blowing him off.

“I’m tired. I can’t do anymore,” I clarified, narrowing my eyes.

Brett blew out a deep breath. “You mean you don’t feel like doing anymore. Physical therapy isn’t supposed to be easy, Crew. It’s not a normal workout. Pushing through your exhaustion is what will make you get better faster. Don’t you want that?”

“I don’t care,” I snapped dismissively, annoyed he was arguing with me. “I said I was tired and I can’t do anymore. What difference does it make to you? You get paid either way?”

Brett’s jaw muscles twitched. I knew right away that I had crossed a line. I instantly felt guilty, but didn’t have it in me to apologize. Brett was a nice guy and was always patient and understanding with me. He was also a good friend of Mrs. Chin. I shouldn’t treat him like shit, but I was treating everyone like shit these days, so why would he be the exception?

He inhaled several times, trying to calm down. He swallowed and looked at me, judging me with his blue eyes. “Fine, see you Wednesday,” he said, hastily gathering his stuff. Without another word or glance, he walked out.

I looked down at my sweats, feeling the damp material. I was once again overcome with guilt and self-loathing. I lay flat on my back and stared at the ceiling, tears trickling out of the corners of my eyes.

“Crew, dinner!” Storm yelled. Lately, he had resorted to yelling at me for things, because he wanted to avoid talking with me face-to-face. I couldn’t blame him. I wasn’t very good company. I certainly wouldn’t want to hang out with myself.

I didn’t respond, and I rolled over with effort and tried to propel myself into a standing position using my arms. Luckily my arms were getting stronger due to all the workouts. It no longer took ten years for me to get up. I plopped down into the wheelchair and wheeled myself up to the kitchen with the newly built-in ramp from the basement.

Everyone was busy eating at the table. No one glanced up when I entered, which was fine by me. I wheeled myself over to my usual spot and picked up my fork. Storm glanced at me and nodded before continuing to eat. I rubbed my temple; somehow a headache had erupted during my trip from the basement to the kitchen.

I heard some gurgling and looked up to see Sean sitting in his high chair beside Storm, waving his hands at me and smiling. He was far too cute to ignore and a small smile made its way to my lips before I began eating.

************

“I’m not crazy and I’m not going!” I shouted at Storm, folding my arms defiantly.

I had never seen Storm so pissed before. I had a feeling he wanted to kill me, what with the dark way he was eyeing me.

“I didn’t say you were crazy,” he hissed in a controlled tone; “but you’re still going!”

“No, I’m not!”

“Crew, you’re going to this appointment no matter what. Even if I have to knock you out with your crutches and stuff you into my trunk. I’ll do it. Everything is grating on my nerves. I swear, I’ll use force on you and I’ll have a fucking smile on my face. Now get in the fucking car!” he practically snarled, his upper lip curling into an angry scowl that actually sent chills down my spine.

My eyes were popping out of my head by the time he finished speaking.

After my fifth time throwing a glass cup at the kitchen wall, Storm thought it was time I got professional help to sort out my anger issues. In my defense, I liked the sound of glass breaking, and throwing stuff just made me feel better.

“When you get better, I suggest you take up baseball. In the meantime, stop throwing glass!” Storm had yelled when he cleaned up the mess for the fifth time. “I have a baby, Crew. He crawls around. I don’t want glass imbedded in him, ok?”

I merely rolled my eyes, which infuriated Storm further.

Shortly thereafter he approached me and told me he had discussed my “problem” with his Mom. Together they found a suitable psychiatrist for me. I hated shrinks and didn’t feel like being interviewed by a stranger who didn’t know shit about me or care about my problems. They didn’t even ask me if I wanted to go. They just made an appointment! Did no one care about my feelings?

I eyed Storm and saw him looking intently at my crutches with a sort of hunger in his eyes. By now, I was using crutches and was able to alternate which foot I used to walk, so as to not put too much pressure on either knee.

I admit, the maniacal gleam in his eyes scared me, just a little. I had no doubt in my mind that Storm would beat me over the head with a crutch. Or perhaps both of them at the same time. Storm was rather coordinated.

Poor Storm was so stressed these days, tired all the time, and just as irritable as I was. No wonder we were fighting so much.

When Storm continued to eye my crutches with a dangerous glint in his eyes, I cleared my throat. Avoiding his eyes, I stood up, with great effort.

“I’m a little tired,” I said, caving in quietly, knowing when I was beat. “Will you help me to the car?” I asked a bit timidly.

Storm snorted, but made his way over to me.

I held onto one crutch and he took the other. I glanced at him wearily, tensing in anticipation, but he merely threw my arm around his shoulder and wrapped his own arm around my waist.

Together we proceeded to his car.

**************

“I’m not crazy,” I snapped as soon as I plopped down on the rather comfortable couch in the doctor’s office. I stared right into his eyes, frowning angrily.

He stared right back at me, before reclining in his seat. We were engaging in some sort of staring contest and I crossed my arms in a silent challenge. During our eye war, I got a good look at his eye color and noticed they were a nice combination of hazel and green.

Then he spoke and broke my concentration. I blinked.

“I don’t think you’re crazy. Lots of people just need someone to talk to. I’m here to listen.”

“I have nothing to talk about,” I reiterated.

“Sure you do,” he replied easily. My anger began to mount. I really disliked being contradicted. “Everyone has stuff to talk about. You can talk about anything you want. Anything at all. Maybe then you can become comfortable with the idea of talking to me,” he suggested.

“I don’t have to become comfortable with you since I have nothing to talk about.”

Dr. Maini smiled. “What if I asked questions? Then would you talk?” he asked.

I studied him and shrugged. “Depends on the question. Not promising anything.”

He laughed and nodded. Why the fuck was this guy so cheery? He shouldn’t be this cheerful when I was this fucking miserable and so obviously did not want to be here.

“That’s good, Crew. Never commit to something before knowing exactly what you’re getting into. You’re a smart young man.”

I decided not to comment on that and continued my sulking. I slumped further into the couch.

“Alright, well, I’ll start then,” Dr. Maini said enthusiastically.

This guy, jeez, he was way too happy with his job. I had the sudden urge to chuck my cell phone at his head--but I figured that would only make the man laugh even more. Crazy bastard.

“You can call me Tom by the way,” he added. “Figure it would be nice to be on a first name basis. None of this doctor stuff. Makes me feel old and I’m not that old. Only 39--so I’m not quite over the hill yet. In a few more months maybe, but not yet!” he exclaimed smiling.

When I didn’t say a word, he cleared his throat and went on.

“I talked with Danielle and Storm a bit, so I’m not totally in the dark about your situation.”

“You talked about me?” I demanded and he raised his brows. “Aren’t you, like, not supposed to do that?”

“Yeah, they had a feeling you wouldn’t exactly be forthcoming. Oh come on, don’t look so pissed. We didn’t talk about any dirty secrets, just general stuff, like why you may be feeling so badly.”

“Why I feel so bad?” I asked. “Oh, so you know everything, right? Enlighten me, Dr. Maini.”

“Tom,” he corrected before smiling charmingly. “I think we agreed that I’ll ask the questions since you don’t feel like talking, right?” he shot at me.

I narrowed my eyes and slumped further on the couch.

“I thought so,” he added.

Fucking Know-It-All.

“Did you get along with your family?”

My eyes snapped to his. “I’m not talking about them.”

“Why not?” he asked.

“What’s to talk about?” I said stubbornly. “They’re gone. They’re dead. End of story.”

I clenched my jaw and Tom stared at me, with an unreadable look in his eyes. It hurt to say that about my family, but it was the truth. Yet it didn’t stop my stomach from clenching painfully.

“I see,” Tom said quietly. Then he straightened up. “Ok, then. Well, got any funny stories to tell about your family?”

“That’s still talking about my family,” I pointed out.

“Ah yes, but it’s funny stuff, not depressing. Don’t you want to revel in the good memories of your family?” Tom asked.

I frowned in confusion. “Why are you twisting everything around?”

“I’m a master of words,” Tom said shrugging indifferently. “Loved English and all that.”

“How did you become a psychiatrist if you were into English?” I wondered curiously.

“I’d rather help people. People always need an ear,” Tom answered. “A non-judging ear. Plus, I have more personality than most shrinks. It’s rather fun talking to me, yes?”

A small smile made its way to my lips.

“Ha! I saw that!” he crowed. “See! Right there! That’s how good I am!” He pumped his fists in the air and cheered, as if he were at a ball game.

I shook my head and looked away, hiding my growing smile.

“Come on. I’ll let you in on a little secret. My job can be a little lame sometimes. People talking about their fat issues or crying about being single forever--it’s so boring. I need something fun. Surely a young guy like you has funny stories? Give me some of my youth back, please?” Tom begged.

At this I burst out laughing. For a second, I was able to stop feeling sorry for myself.

“You are so unprofessional!” I exclaimed.

“You have no idea! So, start talking,” he said propping his feet onto his desk with a big grin.

My laughter died away. “I don’t know where to begin.”

“Okay, start with your brother. I bet he was really cool right?”

I sat up straighter. “Lucas, he was the best. Always.”

“That’s cool. My two older brothers were assholes. They were close in age, so they ganged up on me. Growing up was hell. Did Lucas do things with you?”

I nodded. “Yeah. He was four years older; it seemed like a lot when we were really little, but he was always so cool. He would always play sports with me or if he had free time, he’d take me out to eat or go to a movie. If our parents went out for dinner, he’d cook me these disgustingly huge sandwiches, with like, too much crap in them. They looked gross and messy, but tasted great,” I said grinning as the memory filled my head.

Tom nodded and smiled back, encouraging me to go on.

“Lucas used to have such weird ideas when we were kids. Like, at this shopping mall we used to go to, there was this water fountain. Well, it’s gone now, but when I was like five or six, we would jump together into the fountain and take out as many coins as we could. Meanwhile, our Dad would look away, laugh to himself, and pretend not to know us, although it was hard, considering we both resembled him a lot.”

Tom laughed. “Get out. Your Dad was hilarious!”

“Or when we’d go out to dinner, you know, the four of us,” I said warming up, “Lucas would make me steal tips off other tables just as we were heading out and then we’d split them.”

“Thief!” Tom teased.

“It wasn’t my fault! It was all Lucas! He corrupted me!”

“Anything else?” Tom asked curiously.

I tilted my head in thought. “Sometimes when we were grocery shopping with our Mom, we’d go to the ice cream aisle and eat bonbons out of the carton.”

“No one ever saw you guys?” Tom asked.

“Maybe they did; but two kids, I guess they just looked the other way. Plus, we were cute kids,” I said smiling as I visualized miniature versions of me and Lucas.

“I’m sure,” Tom said.

I was staring off into space, thinking about all the dumb shit Lucas and I did, when Tom broke into my thoughts again.

“You miss your family a lot?” Tom asked softly.

I looked down into my lap, before meeting his eyes. My eyes were wide open, in a vain attempt to stop the tears from flowing.

“Yes,” I whispered. “So much. Some days I’d be ok, because I’d have my friends and Hiro. Other times, I’d just feel terribly sad, but would get past it eventually.”

“Do you wish you hadn’t survived the car crash?” Tom continued in a soothing tone.

I swallowed hard and the tears fell down my cheek. “Yes.”

I paused and cleared my throat to collect myself. I had become a wallowing mess and although Tom was really nice and understanding, I still felt a little embarrassed to be breaking down in front of him.

“Because then it would have stopped all my pain right there and then. If I died with them, there would be no grieving. I was such a mess for about two years after they died. All I had left was one good friend, who probably hates me now. I had a bad breakup, although we’re friends now. I got into this accident and now have to basically learn to walk again. Sometimes I like to imagine if I had died back then, I’d be saved from the suffering now. Or if I had died when I went snowboarding with Hiro, then I’d be put out of my misery once again. Everyone says I’m so lucky to be alive and while that may be true, I still have a hell of a challenge left to get anywhere near where I was before. Do you get that?” I ranted.

“I do get that,” Tom replied honestly. He leaned forward, looking at me intently. “But did you ever wonder if you survived so many times because you were meant to? That maybe you’re still alive because there’s something great in store for you, or you’re meant to do something great? If you suffered like this, maybe the rewards will be better for you in the future.”

“That’s one way of looking at it,” I muttered.

“You’re here now, Crew. You can’t change that. All you can do is go forward.”

“I hate that,” I said. “It’s not fair, you know?” I asked, looking at him, feeling like he’d understand.

“I know, Crew. I know.”

For the first time in a long while, I really felt like someone did understand. And that made me feel better.