Jumping Over My Mountain - 4. Chapter 4

Jumping Over My Mountain
by Tiffani Chin

Chapter 4

---------------------------------------------

***********Helaku***********

I sighed contently as I rolled off of Crew to catch my breath. Heavy make-out sessions, not just sex, always exhausted me. I guess Crew just drained all the energy out of me, but in a purely positive way.

Things were going great with Crew. We had been seeing each other steadily for the past two months. Not as often as I would have liked, but Crew was back into the spring semester of his second year of school and working pretty much full time; so I took whatever time with him that I could. That included late dinners, fast lunches, a breakfast drop off and a quick kiss, or even just watching him study or do his homework. Who knew watching the man you love typing a history paper could be so fascinating?

Now I loved Crew. I never dared mention it to him, because in truth I was terrified he wouldn't say it back. In all honesty, as great as things were on the surface with Crew, there was something nagging in the back of my mind.

I constantly felt like Crew was holding something back, keeping me away from a part of him--his past. It seemed like everyone else knew, like Storm, Skyler, and Zeke, but I was left out in the dark. Normally it never bothered me too much; but sometimes, when we headed in that direction, things became tense between us. Quite frankly, I didn't care too much for walking on eggshells, if you get my drift.

I decided to bring it up that night. Well, shit on a stick, big mistake.

"Crew?" I said hesitantly.

"Hmm?" his voice laced with sleep.

"I wanted to know--I was just curious about your family?" I said cringing as if bracing for some kind of physical blows to come barreling at me.

Without touching or even looking at Crew, I knew he was tense and preparing for an argument.

I rushed ahead. "I just want to get to know you better, Crew. I want to be trusted. I want you to let me in."

Crew didn't say anything.

"I mean I feel like there's something about you that everyone else knows, that I don't. You know everything about me…"

"This is different," Crew cut off quietly.

"Why?" I demanded.

"Because this is really hard for me. It’s not just something where you came out to your parents and they didn't react well or something. This is deeper than that. It's hard for me to talk about. I just don't like thinking or talking about it, ok?"

"But why can't you talk about it with me? Don't you want to share it with me?"

Crew stayed silent.

"How come you told Skyler and Storm right away, and Zeke…?”

Crew cut me off, somewhat angrily. "Hey! That's different! Zeke and I go way back. He was there when it all happened and stayed with me when I really had no one else. As for Storm and Skyler, their mother helped me so much; she took me in and helped me do everything. Without her, without them, I would have been, I don't know, my life would have been over. They’re my family."

"So what am I to you? Nothing? I guess I'm not good enough to tell," I said childishly.

Crew looked at me in amazement. "Are you kidding me? This isn't about you."

I shook my head. "No, it's never about me. It's always about you. Everyone, especially me, always caters to you. You just take advantage of them."

"How am I taking advantage of you?" Crew demanded.

"Because I'm there for you all the fucking time; in return, you give me nothing. You don't let me in or talk about what's really bothering you. I want to help."

"I don't need your help. I'm fine," Crew insisted stubbornly.

I sighed. "I care about you Crew. That's the only reason why I brought this up."

"If you really cared about me, you would let this drop and let me talk when I'm ready," Crew said.

"When will you be ready? Actually, will you ever be ready to talk to me?" I asked, unable to stop myself.

"Hey, I told you I wasn't ready for anything. I warned you beforehand that I had issues and needed to work stuff out, but I was willing to take a chance and be with you. And now you're rushing me?" Crew asked in a shrill voice.

"We've been together for practically four months, Crew! I'm not a bad guy for wanting to know you!" I said my voice getting higher.

"Well, I don't like to be pressured; so, stop!" Crew finally yelled.

I looked at him and he was breathing hard, his nostrils flaring, looking at the bed, avoiding my probing stare.

"Look," I began. "A relationship goes two ways. I let you in and I need you to let me in and allow me to be there for you."

"Well, maybe we shouldn't be in a relationship anymore."

Crew's words were like a punch to my stomach. All of sudden I felt like vomiting and my stomach felt queasy.

"What?" I gasped faintly, praying I hadn't heard right.

"I need space. We need to take a break," Crew said jumping out of bed, pulling his shirt back on. I watched him. It seemed like he was moving in slow motion or that I was a third party watching the scene unfold in front of me.

As he walked closer to the door, I came to my senses and leapt out of bed, reaching him before he got to the door.

"Wait, you don't mean that," I said desperately.

"Yeah, I do," Crew said quietly, not turning around. "I need to think things through." He started to open the door, but I grabbed his arm.

"Listen, I'm sorry I brought it up. I just needed to tell you how I was feeling; it had been bothering me. But I'm not forcing you to tell me anything you don't want to."

"I have to go," Crew said as if he didn't hear me.

"Crew, please. Please don't do this. Don't do this to us," I pleaded still holding onto his arm.

"Helaku, let go of me," he said in a firm tone I barely recognized.

My fingers slowly unwrapped and I watched helplessly as he walked out of my life.

                                                     

***************

"Dude, open up!" A fist pounding on the door.

I groaned and pulled the pillow over my head and tried to will the person to go away.

"Hela, it's Storm. Come on man, open up!" More pounding on the door.

"Hela, open the door!" Storm yelled this time. "I know you're in there. Your car is outside and it hasn't moved for the whole week!"

"Go away. I don't feel like talking!" I hollered back.

"Hela, talking will help. Now come on and open the door for me. My hand is beginning to hurt."

"Leave me alone!" I shouted back, flopping onto my bed.

Silence.

"Good, leave me alone," I muttered, turning over in bed.

"Hey dude."

I jumped a foot in the air.

"Holy shit! How did you get in here?" I demanded, annoyed at the unwanted intrusion.

Storm shrugged. "I picked the lock."

"What?!?"

"It's no big deal. It was pretty easy. I don't think I ever told you about that time Skyler…"

I held up my hand. I was not in the mood to hear about the delinquent acts Skyler and Storm engaged in when they were younger.

I think Skyler called it youthful experimentation.

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to see how you were doing," Storm said calmly.

"Well, as you can see," I waved my arms over myself, "I am just peachy. So if you can kindly show yourself out" I grunted when I felt Storm's weight on my bed.

"What the fuck, man, can't you take a hint?" I asked, my annoyance growing.

"Listen, I know something's wrong. You're never this moody; I haven't seen you in an entire week; your car hasn't left the house. I bet it has something to do with Crew."

I pulled the covers back up over my head.

"And do you know how I know it has something to do with Crew?" Storm asked.

I didn't answer. I'm sure Storm was going to tell me.

Good ol' Storm. Not one to disappoint.

"Because Crew was really out of it when we went to work this weekend. After the lessons were done we took a run down the mountain and Crew's head must not have been in the game because he totally crashed into another snowboarder and then another time he just flat out fell. Then when Skyler asked him what was wrong, he snapped, which he never does."

I closed my eyes.

"So, I put two and two together, because I am so utterly brilliant and know something happened with you guys. So I want to help and I need one of you to talk," Storm said.

"Why me? Little Crew won't talk? So you come to me? How come no one ever pressures him to say anything? Why does everyone treat him like a piece of glass?" I asked.

Storm yanked the covers off my head. "Where did that come from?" he asked curiously.

I sat up and faced Storm. "Look, I understand that Crew has a history that he doesn't want to share, but I really care about him and I want to know him on a deeper level, but I can't if he keeps shutting me out."

"Is this about his family?" Storm asked.

"Yes! Everyone knows but me," I stated throwing my hands into the air.

"Well, we've known Crew longer and our Mom has been there for him, he's like our brother. And besides this isn't really about you-"

"Shit," I cursed. "That's exactly what he said."

"Listen, you should talk to…"

"I'm not talking to him," I said folding my arms. "He's the one that wanted a break, some time to think. He should be the one to talk to me. I'm not some dog that has to keep begging him."

Storm sighed. "Listen, he's just as broken about this as you are. You should see him. It's terrible to watch."

I envisioned Crew walking around with his head down looking like a lost puppy. My chest tightened. I hated it when Crew felt badly. He was too good a person and didn't deserve to be hurt. But I was hurt too. I didn't know what to do.

"Storm, I really need to be alone right now," I whispered.

Storm eyed me carefully. "Okay, but first you need to shower and then eat. You kind of stink and you look haggard and thinner. Come on," he said, standing up. He held out his hand to me.

I took it, and let him lift me off the bed.

"Thanks, Storm."

"Don't mention it."

***************

I felt a warm leg pressed again my own and I turned over and nestled into the body.

"Crew," I mumbled sleepily. I sighed happily when I felt his body against mine.

My eyes popped open.

Wait a fucking minute.

Then I shot up so fast the room spun. I felt like my head was about to lop off my neck.

"Oh fuck," I cursed as I held my held trying to stop the spinning.

I felt stirring beside me. I dared to look over, afraid of what I might see, but expecting it at the same time.

My fears were confirmed.

I saw a tan leg sticking out from under the covers and a naked tan torso uncovered by the comforter. My eyes traveled up and saw an attractive dark haired man still sleeping. Then it came back to me.

The night before I had went to a gay bar, the Colosseum in Sayerville and had spent the night drinking my sorrows away, except that my sorrows never left me.

Instead, this dark haired guy, whose name I couldn't fathom even if I tried, had approached me.

"Hey there, are you ok?" he asked in a concerned tone.

I barely spared him a glance and threw my head back, emptying the liquid into my mouth. "I'm fine."

"You don't look fine," he said.

"Well, I'm having a bad week," I said, staring at my glass intently.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really," I answered rudely.

"Are you sure? I find that talking really helps?"

"Listen I said I don't want to talk about it, ok? I want to be alone so can you just back off?" I snapped.

The man stared at me not saying anything. I was so annoyed at this point that I just turned back to the bar and stared straight ahead.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw him take a seat beside me. I rolled my eyes and took another sip of my drink. I noticed he was still staring at me.

"What the fuck are you looking at?" I demanded.

"You're really attractive. You have the most unique features-"

"Are you seriously hitting on me?" I asked incredulously.

"Not exactly. I'm just commenting on your very nice features," he answered, smiling flirtatiously.

I snorted, threw down some money and prepared to leave. "Well I have a boyfriend, so leave me alone," I said walking off.

He grabbed my arm; I glared at him before he released it.

"Ok, how about I buy you another drink then?" he offered. "Just a friendly gesture since you seem really down. Maybe you can tell me about that boyfriend of yours. I bet that's part of the reason your handsome face looks so down. Come on, no strings attached, ok?"

I glanced at him and nodded. "Fine."

Then all I remembered next was drinking loads more alcohol, spilling my guts about Crew, some stupid jokes, and laughter, and somehow we had ended up back at my place.

I felt a hand on my thigh and I looked over. He was awake.

Sonofabitch! Why does this happen to me???

"Hey," he said.

"Hi," I hesitated.

"Brandon," he filled in.

I nodded. "Right. Brandon, look, last night…"

"Was amazing," Brandon interrupted squeezing my thigh. I grabbed his hand and placed it back onto the bed.

"Look, last night," I started again, "I was drunk, confused, and I don't really remember how this happened, I mean I have a…"

"I know, you have a boyfriend, but he dumped you," Brandon said.

"He didn't dump me, he just needed a break, some time," I insisted.

"Whatever, I'm just repeating some of the garble you were spewing last night," he said.

"I was drunk and you bought me more drinks, probably with the intention of getting me in bed. No strings attached my ass! Then later when I told you about Crew; you knew I had a boyfriend. You took advantage of me!" I accused.

"I didn't take advantage of you, ok? At no point last night did you say no or push me away and I certainly didn't force you to fuck me, so stop being a crybaby, ok? Last night was good; you wanted it, saying how you didn't feel loved because your boyfriend didn't include you in things. Let's just leave it at that," Brandon said.

"I think you should leave," I said, pulling the covers tighter around my naked body.

"Fine, if that's what you want. But if that boyfriend of yours never comes to his senses, give me a call. You're very good in bed," he said, standing up. I kept my eyes pointed towards my lap and heard him go into the bathroom.

I felt like shit. I felt like crying. I felt sick. I felt thirsty. Water. Water sounded like heaven right about now. I needed some water.

I put on some gym shorts and headed to the kitchen and drank a bottle of water so fast it would have appeared to a bystander that I had just finished hiking in the Gobi Desert or something. I popped some Advil and walked back to my room to sleep this headache and guilt off.

I passed by Crew on the way.

CREW!

I did a double take and stumbled back. "Crew," I said, in an awed tone.

Crew shuffled his feet as he stood near the door. "I knocked, but no one answered and the door wasn't locked, so in just let myself in. I hope you don't mind."

"What are you doing here?" I asked, happy to see him.

Crew stepped closer to me timidly. "I did a lot of thinking over the past week, and I realized you were right. I really care about you too, and I want you to know me completely, so I'm ready to-"

The toilet flushed. Crew looked in the direction of the bathroom and then back at me frowning. "Is someone here?"

I felt my stomach drop. Brandon. FUCK!

Brandon waltzed out wearing only his boxers and was in the process of pulling on his jeans, his shirt hanging around his neck.

Crew stared at him wide-eyed, his mouth hanging open slightly, taking in

Brandon's disheveled appearance and obvious lack of clothing. He turned to me, the hurt spreading quickly over his face as he came to the conclusion that I had slept with this guy. That I had cheated on him.

"You must be Crew," Brandon said grinning obnoxiously. "You're the ex-boyfriend I had to hear about all night long." The way he said 'all night long' made the color drain out of Crew's face. I felt like smashing Brandon's face in.

"Ex-boyfriend,” Crew repeated, in a stunned voice. “You told him I was your ex?" Crew asked in a small voice.

Brandon snorted in disgust, adjusting his shirt on his torso. "You're cute, I'll give you that," he said, laughing.

"Shut the fuck up!" I snapped angrily. The sound of my voice must have shook Crew out of his stupor because he just spun around and walked back out the door.

I immediately ran out after him and turned the corner quickly, hoping to catch him before he got to the entrance of the building. I didn't have to wait long, because as I passed the twin's apartment, I saw the door was open with a worried looking Storm behind it, and a blond blur had rushed past him.

Storm looked at me stunned and I pushed my way inside as well.

"Get him away from me!" Crew screeched to Storm who was a little slow on processing what was going on.

I noticed Skyler sitting on the couch with a brownie hanging half way out of his mouth and a can of soda in his hand as he stared at the both of us, not quite understanding what was going either.

"Crew, please, listen to me. I can explain, I swear," I said reaching for his arm, which he wrenched away before I was able to get closer.

"Stay away from me! Don't touch me! I never want to see you again!" Crew shouted, his face red, tears spilling angrily down his cheeks.

"Crew…"

"What's going on?" Storm asked loudly over our voices.

"He cheated on me!" Crew screamed, pushing me away as I tried to get closer to him still.

"What?" Storm asked confused.

"I just saw him with some guy. He cheated on me!" Crew repeated, almost hysterical at this point.

I heard a thud and looked over and saw that soda was spilling onto the wooden floor with the can rolling around nearby. I looked up and saw that Skyler had put himself between us, standing directly in front of Crew and for once he did not look happy.

"Get out," Skyler said firmly.

I tried to go around Skyler to get to Crew, but Skyler blocked my path. "Move," I said through clenched teeth.

"Leave," he said firmly again.

I lost it. I shoved Skyler who stumbled slightly into Crew, but managed to stay on his feet. He was gearing up to charge in retaliation, but Storm forced his way between us, using a lot of effort to hold his explosive twin back.

"You fucker!" Skyler was screaming now, too. "Get the fuck out of OUR apartment!"

"Skyler, calm the fuck down!!!" Storm shouted at his brother. When he whipped back around to face me, he said in a much softer voice, "It would be best if you left. Everything is crazy right now and you're making it worse," Storm said quietly to me. I hung my head, knowing he was right.

"Crew, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I messed up," I said sadly.

"One week! We were only apart for one week. How could you do this to me?" Crew screamed.

"Get out!" Skyler was still shouting. "I never liked you that much, fucker! Pushing me in my own home. Get the fuck out!" he shouted again when I remained rooted to the floor.

"I hate you." Crew said.

Those words stopped me dead in my tracks.

The room became oddly silent. I wasn't sure if it was just me or what, but all I could hear were those three words echoing.

Those three words that literally tore apart my heart.

I looked at Crew. I now realized that Skyler was still very much yelling at me, but I didn't hear a word he said. All my attention was focused on Crew.

He was still standing behind Skyler, but his face was visible to me. He looked eerily calm, even if his face was wet with tears and his eyes were swollen. His jaw was set, his lips formed a flat line, and his normally bright-blue eyes were dark and narrowed with anger.

"I hate you," he repeated in a low monotone. I preferred him yelling; at least he had some emotion. The finality of his tone sounded downright scary.

"You don't mean that," I whispered, feeling like someone had stabbed me.

"I hate you!" he said again a little louder. I clenched my eyes shut and cringed.

"Come on, you have to leave ok?" Storm said putting his arm around me and leading me to the door. My eyes were on the floor the entire time, unable to face even Storm.

Once we made it to the door, I glanced up at Storm and noticed his brown eyes looked sad. "I'm sorry," I said to him. I just felt the need to apologize to everyone.

"I'll try to work it out. But you need to go," Storm said, his voice quiet. He looked at me again and instead of sadness there, I saw disappointment. Then he closed the door in my face. I could hear through the door that Storm was trying to calm his brother down, but didn't seem to be having much luck.

I made it back to my apartment, walking slowly. My feet felt like lead. I walked back inside and noticed a note on the floor. I picked it up and read, “Call me if you never need a night to unwind from that uptight "ex" of yours. 732-654-2689. Brandon.”

I crumpled up the note and threw it at the wall angrily. I was angry at

Brandon; I was angry at the twins; but most of all I was angry with myself for getting into this situation. I really had no one to blame but myself. The chances of Crew ever forgiving me were minimal, and the odds of us getting past this and getting back together were even slimmer.

One night. One night and I had ruined the rest of my life.

His words kept running through my head. I couldn't block it out no matter how hard I tried.

"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you."

I ran to the bathroom and threw up the contents of last night's alcohol pity party. I kept heaving, even until there was no more left to heave.

I rested my head on the toilet seat and just sobbed; sobs so gut wrenching that they hurt my stomach. The pain radiated throughout my chest.

Crew and I were over.

***************

About a week had passed. I observed that the twins were on some kind of Spring Break, because I saw them pack their bags and their mother had driven them somewhere. I still wasn't on speaking terms with Storm or Skyler. I wasn't mad at Storm; I don't think he was mad at me exactly; but I just couldn't stand the look of disappointment he had given me. It was like I had screwed up. I was supposed to take good care of Crew, but I had failed and now he was ashamed of me.

Skyler, on the other hand, was just downright pissed at me. I didn't even know how to approach him, nor did I want to. He was usually such a carefree, relaxed, easy-going guy; but I was on his bad side now, and I didn't think that side was a trip to the Bahamas. I kept my distance.

If the twins were on Spring Break and were heading out somewhere, I assumed Crew was more or less on break too. Even if he went to community college, I heard their breaks were pretty well timed together. I wanted so badly to call or stop by, but if I was afraid of the twin's reaction, I was even more terrified of Crew's reaction. His proclamations of hate for me really shook me and I was afraid to hear him say it all over again. I didn't know how much more I could take of that. I'd rather have someone beat me physically until I passed out or, better yet, died. Having Crew's beautiful blue eyes filled with hate and directed at me was absolute torture.

There was a soft knock at the door. I was surprised. Who could that be? The twins had left this afternoon and I highly doubted that Crew would come to see me.

I opened the door out of curiosity and all I saw was a fist aimed at my face before I collapsed to the ground in pain. My eyes were tearing and my nose was gushing blood freely. I wiped some of the blood up with my hand; through my tear-filled eyes, I glanced at the person standing above me.

For a second I thought it was Crew and I was shocked that Crew would hit me. He wasn't a violent person. He must hate me that much, in order to hit me.

But it turned out not to be Crew.

The only person who could pass for a Crew look-alike and have that flash of silver on his face was Zeke.

And it was Zeke who gripped my collar and yanked me to my feet. I had zero strength these days. After not eating solid foods for the most part of two weeks, I had dropped a good twelve pounds and my head was still spinning from the good punch that had caught me by surprise.

"You fucker!" he yelled through clenched teeth, his face flushed with anger. His voice sounded remarkably like Crew's and although I would have liked hearing Crew's voice, I didn't care for what that voice was saying to me. I flinched.

"You piece of shit. I can't believe you cheated on him. How could you do this to him? Do you have any idea what he's been through? And you have the nerve to pull this shit?" Zeke spat at me.

"You don't deserve him. Crew is too good for you. He's better off without you," Zeke snarled, shoving me against the wall with such force, my head snapped back and hit it with a loud bang.

"I want you to stay away from Crew from now on, you hear me? If I find out you were anywhere near him, or have tried to talk to him, I swear to God, I'll fucking kill you," and with that he walked out, slamming the door behind him.

I slid down the wall, watching the blood dripping onto my pants. I cradled my head in my hands.

How had things fallen apart so quickly? How? I closed my eyes and did the only thing that I could at this point.

I cried.

**************CREW***************

"Hey where've you been?" I called out when I heard Zeke stepping back inside my house. He had come over and we had talked a little bit. When I went to the bathroom, he had disappeared somewhere.

"I was just getting some comfort food for you," Zeke said smiling, although it appeared to be forced.

"Are you ok?" I asked. Usually Zeke was much more happy-go-lucky.

Zeke smiled. "I should be the one asking you that."

I sighed. "I know. This is what I get for trying to have a relationship. You know what this means don't you?" I asked looking at Zeke. He shook his head. "This means that I'm destined to be alone forever and die alone. So, buddy, Zeke, my amigo, as soon as you go, I'm gonna off myself and then we can create havoc in hell. We can even get an apartment down there."

Zeke came up to me and squeezed my shoulders. "As touching as that sounds, I would never want you to kill yourself. And besides just because you had one bad relationship, it doesn't mean they're all gonna turn out bad. Look at it this way," he said turning to face me. "This is an experience, a bad one, I admit, but still an experience. So now when people get together and tell cheating stories, you can say, hey, I got one too!"

I laughed. Leave it to Zeke to find the silver lining in cheating and somehow manage to make me laugh.

"So what kind of stuff did you get me?" I asked.

Zeke grabbed the two grocery bags and spilled its content onto my kitchen table. There was some milk, chocolate syrup, chocolate chips, a carton of chocolate and mint chip ice cream, some chocolate cake, Cheetos, popcorn, and soda. Mixed in with all this stuff, were two Styrofoam containers.

"What are in those?" I asked curiously.

Zeke opened them to reveal IHOP takeout: my international passport, bacon cheeseburger, mozzarella sticks, onion rings, and chicken fingers.

"Wow, you really went all out, didn't you?" I asked feeling touched.

"Yeah, well when you've been cheated on or dumped, failed something, or hit someone with a car, you have to eat the stress away."

I stared at him. "Dear god, please tell me you've never hit someone with a car before?"

Zeke shrugged. "I was going like fifteen miles an hour and the person kind of popped out of nowhere and flopped onto my hood. There was no harm done."

I gasped.

"You know, tonight is not about me; it's about you, so milkshake?" he asked smiling, smoothly changing the subject. I'd have to ask for the details on that later.

"Sure," I said. Zeke grabbed the milkshake maker and sat on the table scooping up huge spoonfuls of mint and chocolate ice cream.

"Do you want to do anything special for spring break?" Zeke asked, adding some milk.

"No," I said sighing heavily. "I'm just going to wallow in self pity and get fat, I guess," I said, gesturing to all the food.

"First of all, you won't get fat. We don't get fat. So let's eat away." I smiled; that phrase sounded like something Skyler would have said. "Second of all," Zeke continued, "you are not allowed to wallow. I totally understand needing to talk and not wanting to do anything; but once you get out and do something to take your mind off of what happened, you can get better that much faster."

"What did you have in mind?"

Zeke smiled. "Ok, I haven't thought that far ahead yet, but we have to do something!"

"I do have work," I reminded him.

"Oh yeah, I forgot for a second I was talking to a 35 year old who works full-time. My bad," Zeke said, rolling his eyes. "I hate you," he said jokingly.

"Wait, can I snowboard for free?" he asked suddenly.

I nodded.

"I love you."

"Gee, thanks. Now I know why you're really friends with me," I said.

"Yeah, it took you a while there. Little slow are we?" he teased. "But seriously, we do need to have some fun at night when you're not working."

I opened my mouth to object, but he forged ahead. "Listen it is Spring Break for me too. I want to have a good time with my best bud. Can you do that for me? We have to help each other out," Zeke said.

I thought about it. I did need to take my mind off of Hela and the humiliation of being cheated on. Even in our own devious ways, Zeke and I did have lots of fun. I could still take chances and risks in life. It just wouldn't be with Hela anymore.

"Ok, but nothing too dangerous," I warned. "We're not 16 or 17 anymore. We can get actual jail time."

"Hey, if you're referring to that time when I smashed donuts and spilled coffee on that cop's car, I swear he wasn't around. Besides, I would have taken the heat for it," Zeke said.

Before I could reprimand him, he shoved over a large glass of some thick murky greenish-brown liquid, with a tinge of orange crumbs. I wrinkled my nose. "Uh…"

"I know you usually just like chocolate shakes, but this is something different, and it's bound to taste good. Come on; consider this change-number-one in your life: ‘Be open to new things’," Zeke said.

I looked at him and took a large sip.

I ran to the sink and immediately spit it out. It tasted gross!

"What did you put in this?" I asked when I saw Zeke supporting himself with the counter because he was laughing so hard.

"When you weren't looking I added Cheetos, chips, a couple fries, and an onion ring." He slapped his leg and laughed loudly.

"Come on, laugh! It's funny," Zeke said when I shot him a dirty look after drinking some water.

I dumped the concoction he that created, right over his head.

"Holy shit, that's cold!"

I laughed heartily as he rushed to the shower.

****************

"Lighten up, Crew. Try to have some fun, will you!" Zeke said, jumping up and down to the music.

He had dragged me to a gay club near campus, called The Den. It was his first time in a gay club/bar and technically my second time, but he seemed more at ease than I did.

Zeke grabbed my hand and pulled me to the dance floor. He started moving to the music. I admired him; he had really good rhythm and fluidity.

He smiled at me encouragingly. I shrugged. What the hell and I joined in the dancing.

After two songs, I was feeling so sweaty. The music was fast paced. Zeke and I were going nonstop. The place was crowded, which probably accounted even more for the warmth of the dance floor.

As Zeke and I walked off to get some water, I noticed we had attracted quite a crowd. Men were staring at us, openly looking us up and down, others shooting appreciative or jealous glances.

I wiped my brow and grimaced when I saw that my hand dripping wet. Zeke threw me a water bottle and we chugged it down at the same time.

"Having fun?" Zeke asked grinning, his red cheeks flushed, as I'm sure mine were too.

I nodded. I was having fun. This was so great, just dancing, not worrying about anything, not thinking about guys. This was just me and Zeke having a good time, no pressure. I needed more things like this.

Zeke leaned against the bar to catch his breath and his eyes scanned the room.

"Everyone is checking us out," he commented.

"I know," I agreed.

"It's because we're so freaking gorgeous," Zeke said, smiling at me. I laughed.

A good looking guy, probably around thirty, came up to us.

"Can I buy you hotties a drink?" he asked in a flirty tone.

"No thanks," Zeke said, smiling in a friendly manner.

"Are you two together?" he asked, leaning in closer to Zeke, who inconspicuously inched away.

"No, we're not together. We're fraternal twins," Zeke said, hugging me.

As soon as he said that, the man's eyes bulged out of his head. I could see him scanning us up and down. His eyes were filled with lust, his tongue practically hanging out with drool.

"We'll see you later," Zeke said, winking. He led me back to the dance floor.

Zeke ground into me, and danced closer this time, touching my back.

Zeke glanced over at the bar. I followed his gaze and saw that the man who approached us was still staring at us, with a visible hard on poking through his pants.

Zeke blew him a kiss, and he shouted in my ear, "I knew he'd get more turned on if he thought we were twin brothers doing the nasty." He snickered before dancing again.

Lots of guys asked me to dance or came up behind me, trying to push their way in. Zeke turned them away, not in a nasty way, but in a friendly `he's taken' manner.

I think Zeke was just trying to protect me. He knew I wasn't used to big parties or anything, and wouldn't know how to react if someone came on too strongly, or tried to pressure me into something I didn't want to do.

I was grateful to be out with Zeke. I could let go and have fun and feel safe knowing Zeke would take care of me and knowing he would make sure no one else took advantage or hurt me.

Another fast song later, I watched as Zeke danced in the middle of a large circle of admirers that had formed around him. He was such an amazing dancer. The moves he managed to come up with always looked so unique and amazing. He just commanded attention. I should have advised him to be a dance major. He was phenomenal.

Men were whistling and cheering as Zeke timed his movements perfectly with the music. He twisted his body in the oddest angles, thus creating the most inventive dance moves I had ever seen.

I sucked at dancing. My dancing consisted of swaying around and bobbing.

Ah well, we each had our talents. I felt somewhat proud that I could snowboard better than Zeke, even if I were blindfolded.

As the song came to an end, there were still whistles and cheers; but now they were mixed in with groans of disappointment. I could see that Zeke had enamored more than half the crowd. They were staring enviously at me as Zeke made his way back to me.

Zeke put on a show for them and blew kisses. Then he jumped onto me, his legs wrapping around my waist.

I was smiling so hard, I felt as if my cheeks would crack. This was the best night ever. If only all nights could be as carefree as this.

"Thanks Zeke, this was really fun."

Zeke smiled at me, and signaled the bartender for two more bottles of water. The bartender chucked them over. He waved his hand when Zeke tried to pay for them, and gave Zeke a wink.

Zeke flashed a flirty smile in return, and whirled around to face me.

"I told you we were gonna have fun over Spring Break. I didn't disappoint now, did I?"

I smiled. "No, no you didn't."

***************

The rest of the semester was hard for me to finish up. It was more of a struggle than usual, but I was a trooper. I made it through no matter what.

There was literally less than two months of school left, but they flew by with lightening speed. I threw myself into my studies, studying at any free moment I possessed between classes and my restaurant job. It kept my mind off of Helaku, whom I still avoided. He still hadn't tried to contact me, which was both a little relieving, and painful.

I didn't visit Storm or Skyler too often either. I didn't want to risk going to their apartment and running into Hela. They understood.

I had officially been accepted into Rutgers University and would be joining the twins there for my junior and senior year. I was happy I got in, although it was a pretty sure thing. My golden rule, however, is that until it's finalized, it's not good to be too cocky.

My grades were stellar, my focus was returning. It felt like my life was starting to get back to normal--or pre-Hela, that is.

I ran around a lot in May, preparing for finals, still going to work, and returning books I didn’t need anymore. I also had to run to the registrar's office to get my final transcripts ordered and sent to the University. Sometimes I felt like a chicken without a head, but the nonstop movement kept me going.

I even managed to register for fall classes early, even though I was supposed to do it over transfer orientation over the summer, around August. Storm said that you really didn't have to wait that long to register, even though they said they wanted to help you with it. I had so many of the core basic requirements out of the way, before I even got accepted. I had staunchly stalked advisors beforehand, to make sure everything transferred over and fulfilled the requirements. I didn't need a summer orientation; it would really only serve to tell me things I already knew.

Storm helped with the whole freshman orientation thing, and was one of those renowned red shirts. He snagged me a catalog book, and a small booklet of what courses were specifically being offered for the fall semester.

"All you need is your social security number and some PAC number that consists of your birthday--the month and date. Once you sign in under `register for classes', you just fill in these codes," Storm said. "This will save you a lot of trouble, in case everything gets filled up and you don't get what you need."

"Thanks Storm," I said gratefully. I hated taking classes that were useless and did nothing for me. It just seemed like a waste of time.

"Anal retentive," Skyler had called me, when I practically memorized the academic catalog, and listed the courses I needed to take.

I took care of all this in early May, right before finals. Like I said, I was really on top of things. I was used to it by now; after all I had been forced to act like an adult at an early age, when most kids were worrying when their next party was taking place.

Since community college scheduled their final exams on the last day of class, opposed to Rutgers students who had a small break period and then exams on specially scheduled dates, I was halfway through my exams when the twins were just beginning. I had two exams my first day, one exam on my second day, and on my last day, three exams, back to back.

On my second day, I had just finished my US history final and was already pouring over my textbooks for tomorrow's writing essay, biology, and chemistry exams, when my phone rang.

I grunted as a hello. One week with about eight hours of sleep combined turned me into a caveman.

"Crew, is that you?" Zeke's voice floated through my ear. Despite my weariness, I smiled.

"Hey bud, what's up?" I asked.

"I have an awesome proposition for you," Zeke said excitedly. I could hear it in his voice. I wouldn't be surprised if he was bouncing up and down or something. I had to admit my interest was piqued.

"Oh yeah, and what would that be?" I asked curiously.

"Dude, let's go to California for the summer!" he burst out.

"What?" I asked in shock. What a random statement Zeke had just threw at me.

"Check it out, man. My aunt has a house in Santa Barbara. Have you ever been to Santa Barbara? It's awesome! It's not too cold, not too hot, and right near the beach. I've always wanted to live near the beach!"

Zeke's aunt was only a few years older than us and really cool. She was also one of those insanely creative artistic people, and skipped college to become a fashion designer. As a result, she was twenty three, but already owned her own home and car. Ah, the American Dream!

"Zeke, I need more details than that."

"Oh, right. So anyway, my aunt has this place, but she won't be around because she's traveling to Europe for some fashion thing; she said I could use it. So I was thinking we should go there, take the summer off, and have a great time!"

"I don't know," I hesitated.

"Ah, come on, Crew. It's not like you're gonna do anything over the summer but work like a dog. Snowboarding season ended some time last month, and I think we both need a change of scenery. What better change of scenery than California?" Zeke demanded.

"Zeke…” I tried to break in, but he cut me off.

"We can get jobs out there, ya know. We’ll be out there for about four months," he reminded me. "We can both work. I heard restaurants over there not only pay a good base, but you also get tips. It's like double what you make at home. And, it's practically free! No hotels, no rent, just a plane ticket and food money--which we can split."

"Zeke…"

"Or, we can drive up there together. YO!" he said, so loudly I held the phone away from my ear, and cringed.

"We can drive up there! Why didn't it occur to me before! Road trip there! Stay there for the entire summer! YEAH!" Zeke shouted.

I rubbed my temple. "Zeke, I just took a really hard exam. Can you please not shout at me?"

"Listen. This is a golden opportunity. You should take it. Something like this won't come along again. Well at least until next summer! Just think about it, ok?" Zeke asked, and then he hung up.

He hung up on me!

I rolled my eyes, and placed the phone back in the receiver. He always hung up on me when he didn't want to hear me say no--it almost always worked.

I considered the idea. I wouldn't mind driving there. It would be a long drive, like three or more days, but as long as it was with Zeke, it would be guaranteed fun.

And,I had a free place to stay. Zeke was right; I could get a job out there. It would hardly be any trouble or expense at all.

It would give me the chance to get away, clear my head, heal my wounds, and just overall relax. Nothing is more relaxing than lying on the beach, night or day.

I was just stuck in this rut. I felt like I wanted to change. I wanted to create a new me. A new place could mean new experiences.

I remembered that time I was so opposed to going out to the gay club with Zeke, but I ended up having the best time ever, and it didn't involve any alcohol or drugs.

Zeke was right. I needed to do more things like that. Let go, and be more carefree. There was more to life than just work and textbooks. At least this way I would be with Zeke, and I know he would look out for me.

A smile began to creep on my face.

Santa Barbara, huh?

I dialed Zeke's phone.

He picked up on the first ring. "Crew, I knew you'd cave!"

"Well, I did always want to try surfing," I said smiling. I heard Zeke cheering in the background.

Yes, this was going to be a good summer.

***************

"Wow, I can't believe you're picking up and leaving for California, just like that," Skyler said in amazement. I had stopped by their place after my last final, only after Storm had assured me Hela had left the building.

"Yeah, it's so unlike you," Storm added.

I smiled. I was in a ridiculously good mood.

"Yeah, well, I've decided to do something different."

"That's cool. When do you leave?" Storm asked.

"Tomorrow," I replied.

Skyler spewed his Gatorade all over my face.

"Gross!" I yelled, running to the sink to wash my face.

Skyler cackled. Even Storm sniggered. "Sorry," Skyler said shrugging.

"When did you decide this?" Storm asked.

"A few days ago while I was in the middle of finals. I didn't get a chance to tell you guys sooner because we were all so busy," I answered.

"Are you excited to go?" Skyler asked.

"Yeah," I nodded. "I could use a change. I've only been to California once, when I was much younger, and I barely remember that."

"You flying out there?" Storm asked.

"Yeah, it's cheaper flying there than driving. If we were to drive there, we would have to take in account the food, hotels, gas, and everything. This is just better and faster," I said.

Storm nodded. "It makes sense."

"Are you gonna go surfing?" Skyler asked.

"Yeah, I plan on it."

Skyler grimaced and folded his arms. "I always wanted to try surfing. It's really discouraging to do it at the Jersey shore. If I stay in the water too long, I might mutate into something non human."

Storm and I laughed.

"You can always fly out there and stay with us for a little while," I offered.

Skyler frowned. "Thanks man, but I can't. I have work."

"You're working?" I asked in surprise. I was a little shocked. I didn't think Skyler was by any means lazy. When he put his mind to something, the results could be amazing. But he believed in not rushing life and that included not working until after graduation, since he figured he would have to spend the rest of his life working anyway, so why start so soon?

"Yeah," Skyler grumbled, "Mom set me up as an intern at Aunt Jennifer's law firm. Total bummer. I bet it won't be anything cool. Just a whole lot of paper work. Watch, I'll come back with paper cuts and carpal tunnel syndrome. Life sucks!" he groaned.

I chucked. "What are you doing?" I asked Storm.

"I'm just working around here," he answered, shrugging. "Nothing too special."

"It's not fair," Skyler complained. "How come you aren't forced to work with Aunt Jennifer?"

"Because I already have a job. It’s not the job, Mom was aiming for, Sky. She wants you to learn how to do work, you know, so in some sheer miracle, you can learn to actually do work in school," Storm mocked.

Skyler rolled his eyes. "Hey, I didn't do that badly this semester. I got two B's."

"What were the other grades?" Storm asked.

"C's," Skyler said defensively, "but that's still better than last time!"

"That's not saying much," Storm said.

"You know it's really your fault I'm getting punished, Storm. If you hadn’t always got straight A’s since you popped out of Mom's womb, she wouldn't expect me to get A's too. So because you get A's, I'm supposed to, just because we're twins. Thank you for ruining my life," Skyler finished, crossing his arms.

"Did you know I have to wear a dress shirt, dress pants, dress shoes, AND a tie, to work?" Skyler asked, turning to me. I couldn't help cracking a smile. The way he said ‘tie’, you would have thought someone was shooting off blasphemy in his presence.

"At least you would look good in a shirt, tie, and dress pants," I offered.

Skyler pouted. "Well, duh."

"Hey guys, I got to go. I have one more final and I need to do a little review. Do you want to have dinner tonight, before you leave?" Storm asked me. He picked up his notebook and headed to the door, talking to me as he walked backwards.

"Sure," I said smiling. Storm waved and left.

I turned back around to Skyler, who was studying me.

"Are you ok?" he asked me suddenly.

The question took me by surprise. We were in such a joking and laughing mood. In asking that, he burst the bubble.

"Yeah," I answered.

"Are you taking off to avoid Hela?" he asked, leaning forward.

"Partly," I admitted. "Do you think I'm running away?"

"Nah, I think it's awesome. You're young; you don't need to be moping around. You know how anti-moping I am," Skyler said, cracking his signature smile.

"You know you'll find someone great one day," Skyler said, turning serious again, once again surprising me. Before I could say anything, he continued talking.

"I know you felt bad after what happened with Hela. I'm glad you're going to have fun and move on. Things are going to be ok and you're going to find someone else."

I stared at him in shock.

Skyler grinned. "You’re a cute kid, Crew. I bet guys in California will be all over your fine ass."

I started blushing profusely and looked around the room, not knowing what to say.

Skyler only laughed at my discomfort.

"Relax Crew. You're a cutie, but I have eyes for another blond that looks similar to you, but his name starts with a Z," Skyler said, grinning at me, his large brown eyes twinkling humorously.

"How are things with Zeke?" I asked curiously.

Skyler shrugged, never losing his easygoing smile. "Well we've emailed and talked on the phone, but we never discussed anything concerning a relationship. We'll get to it when the time comes, ya know?"

"Besides, it's not always about how much we like each other. Sometimes it just comes down to timing. Meanwhile, I want us both to have fun and I want us both to be happy. Maybe one day, we'll be happy together. Zeke is really a great person, kind of like you," Skyler finished.

I was once again stunned. I didn't know how to respond.

"You know," Skyler continued, "I never realized I could be interested in a guy before. I always thought that people were one way, and that was that. I never even thought about other guys like that before. Sure I've seen attractive guys, but that's because I used to think I was so much hotter than them." I smiled when he said that. "But Zeke is like me in a way. He has such a passion and zest for life. I haven't met many people like that. It's great. I always feel alive, but I feel even more alive with Zeke. Is that even possible?" Skyler asked, looking at me.

I opened my mouth, but all that came out was a large squeak.

"We just have this great connection. Can you even like someone that much without even kissing them, or being intimate? Like, having the emotional and mental aspect come before the physical?" Skyler said; I think he was asking himself, more so than talking to me.

"If the emotional and mental stuff comes before the physical stuff, it probably means you guys have something pretty special," I said honestly.

I couldn't help thinking about that in relation to Hela and me.

Is that why we never worked out? Did we jump into the physical part of our relationship without really taking the time to get to know each other better?

Skyler smiled at me reassuringly, as if he knew what I was thinking. He patted me on the shoulder. "Don't worry, Crew. You'll find your Zeke one day."

**************

"Later man!" I called out as I shut the door.

I hopped down the stairs, still in my cheery mood. I was heading home, to pack like crazy. This trip was so abrupt and I was still so busy and worked up with finals that I didn't have much time to plan anything. So now, I was going to go home and pack, using what you would call `stuffing in everything' style.

I checked my watch as I made it to the bottom step. I was gonna have dinner with the twins around seven. That's when Storm finished his exam, according to Skyler. That gave me a good six hours to pack. I would have gone to lunch with Skyler, but I really wanted to get some sleep tonight. I'd barely slept at all because of finals and work. I didn't want to spend my last night of potential sleeping time packing.

"Oh sorry," I said, when I bumped smack into someone coming up the stairs.

I looked up, and came face to face with a very familiar pair of green eyes.

I instinctively took a step back up the staircase.

"Crew," Hela breathed out, just as surprised to see me as I was to see him apparently.

We just stood there staring at each other, not saying anything. Finally he broke the silence.

"How have you been?" he asked quietly.

"Good," I said quickly. Oh, how I wanted to go home. I was so close! Damn it, damn it, damn it!

"School going ok?" Hela asked.

"Great. Finished my finals."

Hela nodded.

Another looooonnnggg pause.

"I'm gonna go," I said taking a cautious step towards him. "I have to pack."

Hela looked at me. "Pack?" he repeated.

Shit, shit, shit.

Big mouth, big mouth, big mouth.

"Uh, yeah. I have to pack," I said.

Yup, keep it vague Crew.

"Where are you going?" Hela asked.

"I'm leaving for the summer," I replied. I started to edge around him to get to the hallway leading to the door, but he slid to the side to block me.

"Where?"

"California."

"The entire summer?"

"Yup."

Hela was looking down at his shoes. "By yourself?"

"With Zeke."

"How come we can't talk anymore?" Hela asked suddenly.

"What?" I asked frowning.

"Do you hate me that much that you can't stand talking to me anymore?" Hela asked, looking downcast. "You barely said more than few words to me."

"It's not that. I just have to go. Zeke asked me to go a few days ago and I was busy with finals. I only have a few hours to pack before I leave," I said.

Hah, that was a big sentence. In your face, Helaku McAdams!

"You're leaving tonight?" Hela asked, his green eyes snapping back up to meet mine.

"Tomorrow morning."

"I'll miss you," Hela said, staring at me.

I gulped. I really couldn't deal with this right now.

"I'm sorry, I can't…," I stammered.

"Crew, what are you still doing here? Get lost on the way to the door?"

Sweet Jesus, saved by Skyler!

Skyler bounded down the stairs, but stopped right behind me when he saw Hela. He put his arm around me and maneuvered me past Hela.

"Come on, Crew. I'll keep you company while you pack if you promise to feed me," he said, shooting a pointed look at Hela.

I assumed that they still hadn't reconciled. Skyler was a real loyalist. He would dislike someone, even if they never did anything to him personally, if that person wronged a friend or a family member.

I gave Hela a brief smile, before exiting with Skyler.

I felt guilty for not talking to him a little more or trying to make him feel better; but I was hurt, and I had to stop trying to make other people feel better all the time, and work on making myself happy.

As Skyler always says, "I'm number one. Everyone else is second place."

That's right.

It was time for me and only me.

I was finally moving forward.

 

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