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Baby Momma Drama Update

Andrew Q Gordon

Entry posted by Andrew Q Gordon

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So today started out like crap, seemed to get better then ended like a ginormous turd.

 

First I got written up at work - first time in 20 years - guess I shouldn't be too upset. While yelling at my supervisor in court with the judge on the bench is wrong and I guess I deserved to be written up for it, her being completely incompetent and screwing up my case - I ended up losing btw - seemed perfectly reasonable to me. The big boss did some checking - thankfully she IS competent [she didn't hire my immediate supervisor but was saddled with her when she got the job] and realized that I was mostly right. But even if I am right she told me I couldn't do it in court. Hold out your hand, smack - letter doesn't go in your personal file - Union Rep went with me, didn't say a word, drama over. Whew, not so bad.

 

So then my Burglary trial that was looking like it was going down in flames got an enormous boost when evidence we couldn't find was found and all the pieces were/are falling into place WOO HOO. Bad day turning good.

 

SO then the baby momma drama begins. As part of the contract with the surrogate, we are obligated to purchase her health insurance - she doesn't have any. In February we sent her the money for the application for the State Insurance for Pregnant woman. She didn't make the application for a month, then didn't do it right and finally last week got all the pieces into place and the state was reviewing her application. She was turned down. :blink:

 

Turns out, she applied for the wrong insurance. When we started the process with her, she made X amount of money at her job. That was enough to qualify for the insurance. CA has two types of insurance for uninsured pregnant woman - the one for middle income woman and then the no cost insurance for those of limited means.

 

We never wanted her to be on the low income insurance, it was not nearly as good. But the other one was pretty good. It wasn't free but it wasn't terribly expensive. Prior to her pregnancy, we could have gotten her a blue cross/blue shield policy, paid the premiums and for a year and been set. But that was a lot more money so the plan was to use the middle income policy and give her the extra every month. We talked it over and that was the plan. But the caveat is you had to wait until you were pregnant to apply - making it far too expensive to get a reg insurance policy at that point.

 

Sadly, unknown to us until she was already pregnant, she hasn't paid her taxes in two years. As a result she has her new employer paying her in cash under the table. Her reported income didn't meet the threshold number and she was rejected and told to sign up for the low income policy.

 

Okay so now comes the problem. To get the policy, she has to list the dad - me. IF we get a pre birth order - the one that terminates her parental rights prior to birth, there is a decent chance the State of CA will come after us for the cost of her medical care. So now the options are - 1) Not terminate rights until after the birth and hope there are no issues oh and then have to do a second party adoption for with Mike. or 2) go ahead with the termination order and hope we don't get hit with a huge bill.

 

Neither are good options. The only reason we did this in CA was for the pre birth termination of her rights AND that the birth cert would list Mike and I as parents - neither listed as the Dad etc AND it would keep her name off the certificate. Otherwise we could have done this right here in Maryland. Doing it the other way could put us on the hook for $20K in medical bills or more. There is also the chance, though I think it is exceedingly remote, they could charge us with fraud. But since we would not be signing the documents they would have a difficult time proving we committed fraud. But even the need to defend against that would be expensive.

 

Leaving us between the proverbial Rock and Hard on, all because she didn't tell us about her desperate bit to defraud the government. We are also without any good remedies. I mean how do you express your anger at her? The biggest reason we are so pissed is she isn't getting any medical care at the moment. So bitching about it and making her pay for it because she wasn't honest with us would do what? Make her forgo seeing the doctor to avoid paying for it? Oh yeah that's an option. And unlike other contracts, this really isn't one we can 'void.' forget how much we've paid, the baby is alive. We can't 'cancel' that.

 

This doesn't even fall into the oh well, live and learn category - it's well beyond that. Mike is extremely upset because it had always been our intention that the birth cert would list us both. Now it won't. He is so mad at her he wants nothing to do with her anymore. He feels because of her, he is getting written out and she is being written in. He's not all wrong, but to me it doesn't matter so much. But it does to him and him not being the donor, I suppose it's a legitimate feeling.

 

Gonna be a rough next few months.

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Cia
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Poor guys. This is a real shame that her irresponsibility and actions have such high emotional and possible monetary costs. Honestly it sounds as if she has committed the fraud here and should be held liable for the outcome, as such. However, this isn't a world where things always fall so neatly into place. I'm not up on legal details so I'll not speak to that. I do hope that you are able to find a way to work this out so that Mike is not feeling left out, because that is not just your baby, it is both of yours. Babies might be made with 2 people biologically but parents are not made by that process. Parents are those people who are excited, loving, eagerly wanting and waiting for that child in their lives. He is just as much a daddy as you are. :hug:

 

Also, at this point in pregnancies there isn't much testing or anything else being done. Most of the major testing and care begins around 25+ weeks. You have a little bit of leeway to get this worked out. Don't stress yourself out too much and remember to breathe.

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Lugh

Is is possible to terminate her parental rights then present her with a bill/payment reduction for the medical costs beyond what the reasonable/expected cost of insurance/deductables/co-pays would be? It's not your fault that she failed to pay her taxes nor filed paperwork incorrectly nor waited too long to file said paperwork. All that is her fault and she should be made to take responsibility for it. She has contracted a job, any expenses not included in the contract are hers -- you are obligated to pay for insurance, she is obligated obtain it.

 

Even with the low income insurance, does she have to tell them her parental rights are terminated? It's a private affair, right? Why can't she do like most people and say I don't know the baby daddy? Does she know if its you or Mike? And give them a list of names. I mean what can they really do?

 

Do they have to see the birth certificate at the hospital? Does she even have to file the birth certificate immediately? What are the exact rules on that? I mean... can they hold the baby hostage if she don't?

 

I'm almost positive that you have up to a year (at least six months) to file a birth certificate. You might want to look into that.

 

Just some thoughts... probably don't mean a thing. Calm down and let that lawyer brain work.

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Sara Alva

I sorta like Lugh's first suggestion above. And I also wonder why she has to list a father at all for this low income insurance. Lord knows plenty of my kids come from single parent homes, and I sorta doubt the moms always know who the father is.

 

What a tough situation-- really sorry things aren't working out as planned :/ I can't imagine the stress of having to deal with this all the way on the other side of the country . . . and then have the reason for that become moot. The only thing I can say is that I imagine once you have the baby in your arms, all this stress will be forgotten.

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AnytaSunday
because that is not just your baby, it is both of yours. Babies might be made with 2 people biologically but parents are not made by that process. Parents are those people who are excited, loving, eagerly wanting and waiting for that child in their lives. He is just as much a daddy as you are. hug.gif

 

That just said it beautifully. Honestly, I could not agree more. Pregnancy and having birthed my son does NOT make me a mother, IMO. It's the love and committment and emotional education you give your child that determines that.

 

My hugs to Mike. :hug:

 

Hang in there.

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Andrew Q Gordon

Cia, Lugh, Sara, Anyta,

 

Sorry for the mass response - well things didn't really improve much. The issue is she has no insurance and the likelihood of getting any decent coverage at 14 weeks is slim. After I wrote the blog, Mike and I did some checking - turns out there are restrictions on Surrogates using MediCal insurance - Calif has a big surrogate industry because of the favorable laws. When we read the part that said surrogates can not apply, we started searching. Found a couple articles that said, DO NOT apply in big letters. If California finds out they prosecute and seek jail time.

 

So then I started to think, let me see, it's not legal, the surrogates rights won't be terminated and we'd be screwed trying to enforce the contract because we were breaking the law in the first place. Yeah, bad idea. I see extortion as one real possibility - i.e. Surrogate to Andy and Mike, I don't think 20K was enough, I think I'll need another 10K [because she'll have spent most of what we give her by then] Yeah, not gonna happen

 

I called the Attorney yesterday and reminded her I am a prosecutor and that breaking the law is NOT an option. I also told her that if I were her, and I am not, I would not tell folks to use MediCal again because the first one that gets caught is gonna point the finger at her.

 

Anyway, so my attorney is compiling options and we were able to get the fertility clinic to see the surrogate one last time - for an additional fee of course. Hopefully by the end of the week all will be settled but no matter what happens, we are going to be out somewhere from 3-12K or more because of this. :/

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Marzipan

I'm thinking thank goodness you are a lawyer! You'll be able to consider all options carefully from the law point of view and hopefully avoid trouble!

 

That surrogate mum seems to be a bit shady about her financial issues. Backing off from the deal doesn't seem like an option. How is she though? The stress this is causing can't be good for the baby. This is not fair for the baby.

 

In perfect world people are honest and don't hide signficant issues from each other. In real life everyone carries secrets and just hopes not to get caught.

 

I'm sorry for your troubles and hope things will turn out the best.

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arl215

I hope all goes well for both of you and the baby, and I do not think very highly of this surrogate at all. My thoughts are with you!!

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Andrew Q Gordon

Maria, Arl,

 

Thanks for the encouragement. Thinks will work out, it's just a matter of cost at this point. There will be some kinda insurance - paid by use, there will be a pre birth order terminating her rights before the birth, and we will have our baby in 6 months. Sadly this will end up costing us 75% of the money we planned to use for the second child - which in reality wouldn't likely be enough given how much more things cost then we were told.

 

We are by no means rich, we both for the government, but we saved diligently for this so we will be able to make it work. But I am still angry. Our expectations of a friendship with the surrogate have largely went out the window. Mike - who has always been the more social of the two of us, always took the lead in keeping contact with her - now he has said several times, this is an arms length business deal. Show her the baby, says thanks, send the final check and we're done. At least that is how he feels now. Not sure how far behind him I am anymore. :/

 

BUT in six months, I won't care about her, her tax issues, the shady lawyer, nothing. I'll have better things to worry about. So that is what I keep telling myself. :)

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Cia
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Yeah, you will. You'll be focused and happy on that little bundle in your arms with super soft skin and a kissable face. Definitely a time when keeping your eye on the prize won't be too hard at all. :)

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methodwriter85

It's unfortunate but it might wind up being better to just have an only child. They get more focus, and they tend to be more mature and better at interacting with adults.

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Andrew Q Gordon

It's unfortunate but it might wind up being better to just have an only child. They get more focus, and they tend to be more mature and better at interacting with adults.

 

 

Not that I have anything to base this on, but I always felt kids did better with siblings. I know my sister and I were always there for each other and even to this day she and I are close - my brother - well I like him but I can't say we are tight, so who knows. But I still wished I had the option - still might but this might be the nail that seals that coffin.

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methodwriter85

Well, you still have that option, but there's probably going to be at least a four-to-five year age gap. It doesn't sound like much, but I have siblings that range from being three to eight years older than me...they didn't really "grow up" with me since I was too young to attend middle school/high school with them.

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