I’ve been thinking lately about being out and the process and effects of coming out to people. If anyone were to ask, I would say I am out to everyone about being gay. Fewer people know about the transgender part of my past, but as far as being gay, I’m out. In my part of the world, this isn’t a big deal. Mostly, I don’t even think about what I say as “coming out”.

Being out just happens in normal conversation like when the new person in the office asks “Have anything fun planned for the weekend?” and I say “My partner and I are going skiing.”

If I weren’t out, I’d consciously modify that statement to “I’m going skiing.” Easy enough to make a same sex partner invisible.

I’ve been reflecting on the last time I chose not to be out and the results of that choice. It was back in 2007. A new guy had been hired at my company in one of our other offices. He was my counterpart in that office and we would be working closely together. That is, we’d work closely on projects but our offices were about an hour apart so we’d only work together physically 1-2 times a month. I knew before he came on board that it was important that the two of us work seamlessly and comfortably together. We needed to develop a real esprit de corps in order to perform at our best.

I decided not to initially say anything that would reveal I was gay. I knew he would learn eventually, and I didn’t tell him any outright lies. But, I never brought up my partner, R, in conversation, even when it would have been natural to do so. I kept all the statements as “I” which I knew gave the impression I was single. If you’re around me long enough, you’d probably pick up on a some femme mannerisms that would at least cause you to question whether I was straight. However in the workplace, particularly when the interactions are by phone, email or video conference, there’s no obvious “tell”.

I’ve been with my employer a long time. They know my entire history. My career has advanced acceptably and I’m happy in my work. Why make this choice? Why this guy? As I said, it’s because I knew we’d have to work closely together.

Something I learned in the early years of my transition is that there is a subtle (and at times not so subtle) pecking order established among men in their first, or first couple, encounters. It’s not something I experienced professionally as a woman from either female or male colleagues. Maybe I was oblivious – entirely possible given my former state of mind – but once I was perceived as male, I became aware of this dance, this “sizing up” that is done at nearly every meeting among men. It was one of the things I missed out on as a kid, not being socialized as a male, and it’s one of the things at which I feel awkward even today, after 15 years.

By 2007 I had begun to consider what impact my being gay had on professional relationships. Overt discrimination would not be tolerated in my field, but that’s not what we’re talking about here. I think it’s more that there’s some perception of difference that prevents a close professional bond, or even friendship, from forming. Certainly, those bonds between straight and gay men take longer to form as there seems to be less common ground to build on. Maybe too, this is partly generational and those coming up in their 20s now are more likely to have worked alongside an “out” classmate or co-worker. Maybe, a gay colleague isn’t so new or different that it’s socially noticed and that barrier isn’t there. I can’t think of anyone I knew in the workplace in my ‘20s who was out. Now in my 40s, I can still think of only one guy in my company older than I am who’s out and a couple women.

The long and short of it is that I wanted to try to establish an initial working relationship with this guy without “gay” being part of the formula. Just two regular guys with joint responsibility for a shitload of work. We got our projects in order pretty quickly. Within a couple months and a lot of long days, we had a good system down with our projects and responsibilities. Eventually, over time, I started talking about my partner when he brought his wife up with no obvious reaction from him.

How did it all turn out? This guy and his wife are two of our best friends. R and I socialize with them frequently. My colleague and I also hang with each other outside the office, without our better halves. Drinks, dinner, hockey games. Commiserating and competing over home improvement projects. It’s entirely possible that he knew I was gay almost from the beginning either because someone else mentioned it or because he just picked up on it from me. Obviously, he has no hang-ups with gay guys. Thing is, I don’t know if we’d be as good of friends if I’d been more obviously out when I first met him or not. What I do know is that I ended up with a really good friend. In the end, that’s what’s most important.

I haven’t filtered my identity like that since that time. It is mental work to do so, and I’d rather just take life and people as they come. Plus, the world is getting more in sync with queer professionals. At last year’s holiday office party, three of the younger professionals I work with brought same sex partners. It’s cool to see that level of comfort and acceptance in the generation just behind me.