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Time moves on...

Johnathan Colourfield


Well, I haven't written any thing like a personal blog in a long time and I'm highly due to.


My life has changed so much over the process of the last month or two.


At university, i've gone from a C grade student to A's across the board and looking at an average of a B+ for this year, which is amazing smile.png My grades has drastically improved and i'm finding myself even speaking in clearer more educated language. This is what university is for.


I still am shy though. That crippling self loathing kicks in every now and then. For example, last monday was the big night out for the course. They peer pressured me into wanting to go. I said yes, reluctantly. I felt like I was about to cry. I went back to my flat and cried for an hour. I phoned my best friend up and she said it was fine - ignore them. And so i did, I felt better after that.


I've become more emotional and this is the point where I feel like a horrible person.


My boyfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me 2.5 weeks ago. He said that he just didn't love me anymore and that everything had changed.


I never changed.


I'll admit, He abused me. Badly. If i said something wrong he'd go crazy and the last time, he went psycho and i collapsed and pretty much died. That is a hard pill to swallow.


Plus i then found out he was planning to cheat on me and was flirting with another guy, with intent to meet up. He broke up with me on the tuesday, they were a couple by the wednesday. Go figure eh?


I disconnected myself entirely from him. I only look every now and then on his blog. Just to see how he is doing. But I know this is stupid because I just cause myself pain every time I do it.


So here I am, shattered into several thousand tiny little pieces. I tried to move on, One guy wasnt interested and another guy stood me up. Makes me feel like an unattractive person sad.png


He said on his blog: 'I'm happy that J has moved on. (green heart) I couldnt stay in an unhealthy relationship. Besides it was mostly his fault'.


This broke my heart. I did nothing wrong. Sure, I was a little needy and I was interested in what he was doing. Like any other normal person. I wanted to know what he was up to as a conversation starter and he didn't like this.


I loved him and paid just under £500 for his 21st birthday present. He was a materialistic bitch so i thought he would like that. And even after that, 3 months down the line he tells me he hates me.


I phoned him the night i found out about Martin. I said one sentence 'I know about Martin. You are a liar. I never want to see you again.' He then asked me to repeat. He then had the cheek to respond with 'Well thats the trust issue isnt it?' Then he hangs up.


My dad got my stuff from his house. Jason sends me an email saying 'I'll expect you to return my stuff to my house when you come back from uni'. I sent him a fuming reply saying he is picking his stuff up when he gets here.


So yeah, I was ripped to shreds. Thank goodness for Brian (houdinii), Justin (Jacob) and Tom (Kiltie), without them to talk to for the week afterwards, I don't know what i'd be like.


He made me suffer, like no one should. He lied to me so many times. Lots of big lies and lots of little lies. Recently, I have been discovering stuff that I didn't even know when we were together. It hurts. It hurts ALOT. I detest liars. I don't even lie myself, I was brought up in a house where lying gets you things. And i dont want to be that sort of person. I never want to be that sort of person.


I just finished uni. I now have 4 months of doing nothing. I'm tired of doing nothing already and its only been half a week. I've been to friends and stuff but its not productive. I hate not being productive. I plan to edit and write a bit more over summer.


Get an entry done for Secrets, finish my book for the publisher (by the way, i'm getting help with some publishing YAY) and finish one of two of my other stories. I hope i can do it. sad.png


So i'm gonna stop writing now, i feel like i've been going for hours. In short, i'm in a slump. A really big slump. But if i believe in the theory of economics, i'm due a rise. I had a big rise for 2 years, then a little slump, then a little rise, then a huge slump.


Here's to the rest of my life.


Going to try and audition for Disney next summer. Or harry potter world tongue.png One of the three (the third is Euro Disney).


Four months...


I'm scared. I'm scared of being alone. Before him, I was so depressed and lonely. Then he came along and brightened up my existence. Now he's gone, sure, he was a b*****d to me but he made me happy. For a short amount of my life, I was happy.


I want someone to come along, sweep me off my feet and love me for the person that I am. Not moan about me behind my back, Not turn to my friends and talk about me. And most importantly, DOESN'T LIE!!!




Thank you whoeever reads this, remember there is always someone out there that loves you. And they may be in the most awkward of places smile.png


If you find love, cling onto it, cling onto it with all of your might. There was nothing I could do about mine.


He ripped me apart. But I am stronger than I once was. I am a strong individual and I will get through this.


Someone magic me the boyfriend fairy... I'll pay money...

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Honestly, it sounds like maybe you should wait before thinking about the next guy, doesn't it?


Being needy, overspending, putting up with abuse, having your world torn up, being afraid to be alone, and feeling insecure at social events are all signs of issues that you should resolve before you enter into relationship territory again. It's no coincidence that the last two people you talked to (the one who wasn't interested and the one who stood you up) didn't go so well; for some reason, people can sense when people are needy and insecure and want the relationship more than is healthy, and it repels them.


I only say this because I've done similar things in the past, and only now (five years older), am I really learning that as much as I'd like a relationship, and as much as putting lots of effort into it seems like it'd help, I still need to learn to enjoy life without it and feel confident in myself; only then will I have the magnetism that attracts the guys who'll treat me well.


So: why not put yourself on lockdown for two of those summer months? It takes a long time to recover from a bad relationship.


Just don't be like me and take until twenty-four to learn a lesson you have the opportunity to learn now, at nineteen.

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I met you and Jason at the London meetup and you two looked like you were having a lot of fun. It's easy to have an opinion with hindsight, but it did strike me at the time that there was something slightly unbalanced in your relationship, that one of you had more power than the other. But some relationships are like that, and I didn't know you enough to judge.


As for the rest, I agree with Billy: take some time off the boyfriend business. It was a long relationship and you were —and still are— quite young. This relationship is bound to have some influence on you for some time. It's normal to feel lonely and dejected and depressed. Take the time to find yourself, to discover your true values again, and not what he wanted you to be, or what you thought he wanted you to be.


Best of luck, John. You will find your path in life, through your studies, your family and your personal goals. And love will come along. You deserve it.

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That's a lot of stuff there, J! It's not easy to find the right person to be with. People have their own issues and project them onto you. Don't feel bad about yourself because someone lets you down or mistreats you. Friendship, I think, is just as important as romance, and it's clear that you have friends here as well as irl. So there are things to feel good about. As for 4 months of doing nothing - yes, please! Maybe you can sublimate some of these strong feelings into your writing and create wonderful stuff?? Anyhow, you seem like a good guy to me, and I'm sure other people see that too, so hang in there ... It's all before you: brilliant, wonderful, exciting things. And that really special person is just waiting around for you to bump into him - or rather he's steadily, unknowingly making his way towards the amazing moment when you two meet and everything changes in an instant! Forgive the rambling response, just wanted to sympathise and try to give you a lift! :)

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Thanks so much everyone. You are all so right.


I need to reassess myself as a person. I'm not ready for a relationship for a while :)


I just need to remember that not knowing myself or not being ready for a relationship is NOT a bad thing.


Eh, C'est la vie...

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Knowing both parties, and talking to both parties. There is a lot here left unsaid. There are two sides in a relationship, and I will never take sides. One must accept that the other is hurting too, for different reasons. But still hurting all the same. My sympathies to both equally. :)

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What has been left unsaid? I don't think he's hurting, He's happy moved on with another guy. Yeah that's hurting.


If there's any Karma left in the world, they'll both give each other diseases. XD

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