Well, I haven't written any thing like a personal blog in a long time and I'm highly due to.
My life has changed so much over the process of the last month or two.
At university, i've gone from a C grade student to A's across the board and looking at an average of a B+ for this year, which is amazing My grades has drastically improved and i'm finding myself even speaking in clearer more educated language. This is what university is for.
I still am shy though. That crippling self loathing kicks in every now and then. For example, last monday was the big night out for the course. They peer pressured me into wanting to go. I said yes, reluctantly. I felt like I was about to cry. I went back to my flat and cried for an hour. I phoned my best friend up and she said it was fine - ignore them. And so i did, I felt better after that.
I've become more emotional and this is the point where I feel like a horrible person.
My boyfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me 2.5 weeks ago. He said that he just didn't love me anymore and that everything had changed.
I never changed.
I'll admit, He abused me. Badly. If i said something wrong he'd go crazy and the last time, he went psycho and i collapsed and pretty much died. That is a hard pill to swallow.
Plus i then found out he was planning to cheat on me and was flirting with another guy, with intent to meet up. He broke up with me on the tuesday, they were a couple by the wednesday. Go figure eh?
I disconnected myself entirely from him. I only look every now and then on his blog. Just to see how he is doing. But I know this is stupid because I just cause myself pain every time I do it.
So here I am, shattered into several thousand tiny little pieces. I tried to move on, One guy wasnt interested and another guy stood me up. Makes me feel like an unattractive person
He said on his blog: 'I'm happy that J has moved on. (green heart) I couldnt stay in an unhealthy relationship. Besides it was mostly his fault'.
This broke my heart. I did nothing wrong. Sure, I was a little needy and I was interested in what he was doing. Like any other normal person. I wanted to know what he was up to as a conversation starter and he didn't like this.
I loved him and paid just under £500 for his 21st birthday present. He was a materialistic bitch so i thought he would like that. And even after that, 3 months down the line he tells me he hates me.
I phoned him the night i found out about Martin. I said one sentence 'I know about Martin. You are a liar. I never want to see you again.' He then asked me to repeat. He then had the cheek to respond with 'Well thats the trust issue isnt it?' Then he hangs up.
My dad got my stuff from his house. Jason sends me an email saying 'I'll expect you to return my stuff to my house when you come back from uni'. I sent him a fuming reply saying he is picking his stuff up when he gets here.
So yeah, I was ripped to shreds. Thank goodness for Brian (houdinii), Justin (Jacob) and Tom (Kiltie), without them to talk to for the week afterwards, I don't know what i'd be like.
He made me suffer, like no one should. He lied to me so many times. Lots of big lies and lots of little lies. Recently, I have been discovering stuff that I didn't even know when we were together. It hurts. It hurts ALOT. I detest liars. I don't even lie myself, I was brought up in a house where lying gets you things. And i dont want to be that sort of person. I never want to be that sort of person.
I just finished uni. I now have 4 months of doing nothing. I'm tired of doing nothing already and its only been half a week. I've been to friends and stuff but its not productive. I hate not being productive. I plan to edit and write a bit more over summer.
Get an entry done for Secrets, finish my book for the publisher (by the way, i'm getting help with some publishing YAY) and finish one of two of my other stories. I hope i can do it.
So i'm gonna stop writing now, i feel like i've been going for hours. In short, i'm in a slump. A really big slump. But if i believe in the theory of economics, i'm due a rise. I had a big rise for 2 years, then a little slump, then a little rise, then a huge slump.
Here's to the rest of my life.
Going to try and audition for Disney next summer. Or harry potter world One of the three (the third is Euro Disney).
I'm scared. I'm scared of being alone. Before him, I was so depressed and lonely. Then he came along and brightened up my existence. Now he's gone, sure, he was a b*****d to me but he made me happy. For a short amount of my life, I was happy.
I want someone to come along, sweep me off my feet and love me for the person that I am. Not moan about me behind my back, Not turn to my friends and talk about me. And most importantly, DOESN'T LIE!!!
Thank you whoeever reads this, remember there is always someone out there that loves you. And they may be in the most awkward of places
If you find love, cling onto it, cling onto it with all of your might. There was nothing I could do about mine.
He ripped me apart. But I am stronger than I once was. I am a strong individual and I will get through this.
Someone magic me the boyfriend fairy... I'll pay money...