I'm tired but can't sleep and I have to be up again in just seven hours.

My mind is on the go and right now I can't get it to quiet. Too many things to deal with, too many things to wish for, too many bills to pay, too many demands, and above all far too little time and too little me. Ideas and Ideals, stories, obligations, dreams, and hopes swirl around me like some dizzy kaleidoscope of the unknown and the often traveled.

I have been informed that I am now the only one in my family - gay or straight, to have not been married. Yes my parents generation are all married. My generation is all married, the generation below me just witnessed the last two get engaged, and invites have been sent for their weddings, and the generation below that one is everywhere now from being born to graduating college. So lucky me, I'm still single and as my father points out - alone. So alone if something happens to him I will have no one to fall back on. Makes me wonder about all the men before me who, gay or not, had to face time alone, sick or just aging. Did they have someone telling them they will die alone and unloved?

I had some surgery to see if they could discover what was wrong with me. It was an in and out thing. I paid the bills I had and was happy I had health insurance. Guess what? The bills I paid evidently were just the ones for the doctors involved. Got socked with another major one today. Can I say how much I love my life? I wonder if they still have potter field burials? Cause surgery and tests still didn't come up with a reason.

Just feeling a bit out of it. Occasionally we all do. Tomorrow I will get up and face the world again and I'm sure I will figure a way to do what I always do, survive. Just needed the few moments to say, why me and I'm tired of this! Thanks for letting me rant and confess.

Night all.