So I feel compelled to start with a little warning/disclaimer/advisory/whatever ya wanna call it.

This post probably stands a good chance of offending people, which is not my intent. I make it mostly in an attempt to organize my thoughts and lay out my beliefs/desires in a coherent "set" way. I mean to make no value judgements nor am I in any way endeavoring to persuade anyone to come to my way of thinking. Finally, my own thoughts, beliefs, and opinions on ALL these matters tend to be very fluid and there's every chance I'll completely disagree with myself by the next time I read it.

There is so much debate and controversy over the question of "why someone is gay". Is it completely genetic? Is it shaped by early experiences? Is it some sort of decision? Well you know what? I don't care. AT ALL. Totally irrelevant. Fun for self-analysis perhaps (because self-analysis is one of my all time favourite hobbies), but ultimately irrelevant as far as I'm concerned.

Oh I see how it would garner more support and understanding if it were completely genetic. More people would be inclinded to think, "well it's beyond their control so we can't blame them". It would be very useful for advancing social tolerance no doubt; however, the fact remains that in some ways (especially the ways it's usually done) questioning it at all implies an inherent "judgement". It's somehow automatically deemed inferior to be gay than to be heterosexual, and the best homosexuals can hope for is a condescending, "well it isn't your fault". What the frick?!? Do I need to justify or explain why I'd much rather go for a walk than a drive? Is there going to be some argument that my genetics lead me to find walks more peaceful? Will people argue that I must somehow have had early childhood experiences which led me to prefer walks. Am I consciously choosing to prefer walks because of some unknown, mysterious subconscious motivation? Will I be forced to endure snide remarks from narrow-minded drivers? Will politically correct drivers come up to me and express their sympathy, because after all I must have been a born "walker"

So basically I find the whole fact that there is a serious, enduring debate rather insulting. Oh it's fine for people to sit around and contemplate on their own. As far as idle wandering goes, or cocktail party fodder among friends, I take no offense. In the same way that I'm happy to examin why I prefer blondes. I've always been more attracted to blonde people. Why? Well it's interesting to think that maybe somehow genes lead me to find it more aesthetically. As a sociology major I love the idea that society and culture somehow force-fed me the, "blonde is best" mentality (actually I hate that idea, but it's valid and interesting). Early childhood experiences? Well I did know some sweet blonde people. Maybe it's because when I was a small child my hair was blonde and I've heard countless times from relatives and family friends how "cute" I was with my "blonde hair and big blue eyes". Maybe I'm somehow longing to return to my (natural ) blonde past. Maybe it is because my hair would now naturally be a light brown/dirty blonde colour, and so I find blonde hair more "exotic" maybe it does lend support to the "exotic becomes erotic" theory. Maybe it's because I've always associated blonde hair with purity and goodness (probably due to my early childhood and seeing angels and saints depicted as blondes). Actually if I had to guess I'd say it's a combination of all these things, subtlely playing on each other in ways that only make sense when viewed as a whole.

And you know what? That's pretty much my view of sexuality too. If I had to speculate I'd say that there are certain genes which must exisit. I'd guess that depending on your genes you may definitely turn out 100% gay or 100% straight, but more likely they exisit for most people in such a way as to merely lead to predispositions. THEN personal experiences, culture, and environment come into play. Am I saying people "choose" to be gay or their pasts "make them gay". No. Because I think that since everyone has a unique set of genetics it varies extremely from person to person. The same experience WON'T effect two different people the same way. Further I think the same person would turn out completely differently, (and react to later identicle experiences differently) just with one or two early experiences being different. In other words maybe Bobby will further advance on the road toward homosexuality if he plays with girls as a child, but maybe Tommy will advance on the road to homosexuality if he plays with boys as a child. And maybe Bobby and Tommy would react completely differently if they'd been treated even slightly differently (in completely unrelated ways) as infants. Does someone ever choose to be gay (or straight)? Rarely, I'd say, most of the time by the time those feelings begin to manifest themselves whatever unique combinations of genes have already interacted with whatever unique combinations of experiences to make this unique person uniquely gay or straight. I think there probably is a fairly strong predisposition one way or the other though, in many/most people.

I also think some people who may otherwise be "bisexual" choose to supress their other feelings so that they can fit more fully into the group they identify more with, and I really don't have a problem with that. I mean I think it's very unhealthy and unwise for someone 90+% one way or the other to go the opposite way, but if it's more a 50/50 even 60/40 sorta thing then whatever, I won't hold it against someone if that's what they want. Especially since at that level it would be perfectly easy to find someone of the desired "chosen" gender to spend your life with (well if that's ever easy). Of course personally speaking I think they're missing a great opportunity!

I find the whole concept of bisexuality extremely appealing. Indeed if most people could pick their sexuality I think they'd be extremely foolish and short-sighted not to go with this one. How wonderful it must be to be so unconstrained, to see such beauty in everyone! People, both gay and straight, are often prejudiced against bisexuality. Why? Well it's pure speculation on my part but I think it's because such "out of the box" individuality freaks people out. Such an unwillingness to take on traditional roles (yes traditional gay roles as well) scares people. As much as people might like to say they're fine with non-conformity the truth is it makes people uncomfortable!

I think it's rediculous to put any sort of value in and of itself in a preference, especially a preference beyond one's control. Perhaps this is why I've always been skittish about "Pride". I mean I completely, totally, definitely don't think that anyone should deny their sexuality, EVER. And I think it's completely ludicrous to feel bad about something beyond your control (and I do think it's beyond people's individual control). And I AM proud of people who have stood up for gay rights, who speak out against intolerance, and who openly and happily accept who they are. I'm VERY proud of those people. Thus I can see myself saying, "I'm proud to be a part of this couragous group that has faced a great deal of adversity and persevered", "I'm proud to be associated with this wonderful group of people with strong character, and self-awareness", but I'd never just say "I'm proud to be gay" and mean strictly in the context of "I'm proud that I find guys attractive"....Gee how clever of me. I'm proud to have blue eyes and be 5'9'' too! I'm proud that I won the lottery! I'm proud that I was there when they were handing out free samples of oxyclean! Why be proud of something that just happened? Something beyond your control? I'm proud that I'm gay and able to handle the stress of living in a heterosexual society. Again I'm proud of the long record of wonderful things gay people have accomplished over the years. But I'm not "proud" of my sexuality in and of itself. I like it. I'm fine with it. I wouldn't change it if I could. I think it's really cool. I love it! It rocks! Woo HOOO boys!! But that's the same way I feel about the fact that I like spinach (to a less passionate degree obviously). I mean I like spinach, it's really good, I'm glad that its taste appeals to me, it's enhanced the quality of my life, but I'm not "proud" that I like spinach. I didn't do anything to like spinach....it just happened.

So what's my own "sexuality"? Who am I attracted to? Well I identify as gay though I "don't like labels" (how cliche' is that?). I'm more often attracted to guys, than girls, and I don't see msyelf forming an enduring romantic bond with a women. I love women, they're teriffic! And some of them are REALLY hot, but I don't see myself "connecting" with one on all the right levels in the right way to really say I'm "In love" with one. Oh occasionally I see one that on a purely sexual level I want to sleep with. Of course I don't pursue it, I personally (and just speaking for myself here), don't go for casual sex and since I said I probably wouldn't form a good relationship with a women: I wouldn't sleep with her. Of course on the other hand my pimal, more basic side says "gee, I really want to!", to which my moral/rational side says, "well tough!" , But don't get me wrong, I'm USUALLY attracted to guys more. It's probably like for every 15 or 20 cute guys I see, that on a purely animal level I might want to get with, I see 1 girl.

What groups of people and "things" am I attracted to? Well across the board I'm generally into blondes and redheads more. I definitely show a preference for white guys and black girls. White girls work too but the chances are probably a little better that I'll notice a black girl. I'm almost never attracted to black guys. Asian people I generally find attractive. Again I'm more into the Asian guys than the Asian girls (obviously), but I find them an attractive people. Hispanic people fall much the same way as Asian people. Indian women are very attractive and I totally dig the accent. Indian guys, not as much, depends on the guy.

As far as "styles" go. I definitely show a higher rate of attraction towards "punk" (emo/goth) guys and girls. I like the "freak" style. On the exact opposite end of the spectrum I tend to fall for really "good boys" and "good girls", if they look sweet and innocent I'm totally there! Thus I often fall for the "Christian" boys (which obviously gets complicated, but I"m just talking attraction, I don't "fall in love" with them). Across all these groups I naturally am more inclined to fall for someone that would classically fit the criteria for being attractive (symmetry, fit, healthy looking, good body etc.)

I've got a little foot fetish. Show me a girl in a skirt, stockings, and boots and I'm GOING TO NOTICE, even if she's not a particularly pretty girl. Boys in dress socks w/o shoes on, oh YUM! In general I find the human foot really cute and sexy.

Overwhelmingly the thing I'm mostly likely to be attracted to in a guy is his face. I also think this is why I feel more of a "connection". Faces cause a much more emotional reaction for me. I really dig all of the male body, espeically hips, abs/stomach, and butt. His "package"? not really interested honestly. I mean I guess as long as it isn't deformed or something. I think proportionate is what I'd be going for here. If it's WAY "too small" or "too big" for him it'd be weird, but as long as it seems to "fit" I don't really care.

Girls? Well I feel like such a perv., but really only their "rack" and genitals. And legs and butt perhaps, but that's the same for guys anyway (I mean I'm attracted to both the male and female legs and butt (on occasion), but of course I have a different idea of how they should look).

Then there's personality. I like intelligent people with a good sense of humour (well duh who doesn't?). Generousity and caring are big priorities. Nice "good" people. Bad really doesn't do anything for me (except maybe walk away shaking my head). I know some might point out that I liked the "punk" look, but that's because really I find these people to be awesome, caring, and good overall. Also I think there's a desire to "tame" them, well perhaps that's the wrong word, see their softer side.

But when it comes down to it; I just don't care. I don't care who someone else falls in love with or is attracted to (as long as it's legal and everyone's consenting). I don't care who I'm attracted to. I don't care if they fit my "type" or whatever. If I'm into someone, I'm into someone, and that's all I care about.

Anyway all of the above are purely my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and general preferences. I really make no value judgements at all, and only wish everyone could just happily accept their own attractions, and have these attractions accepted by everyone else. People really make this whole thing WAY too complicated...said the boy who just wrote an insanely long, complicated blog entry about it .

Anyway take care all and have an awesome day!

Kevin

P.S. I actually intended to write about equality, independence, and power dynamics as well, but obviously I'll have to do those seperately.