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Something you don't know about me.

JamesSavik

Entry posted by JamesSavik in caregiving, loss

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In 2017, my elderly mother fell and broke her hip. She was ninety at the time. I became a full-time caregiver.

Her hip was fixed by surgery, but she needed time to recover and physical therapy to allow her to stand and walk with a walker. It took some time to get her there, but she was able to dress and take care of herself. I had to fix meals, do all the household chores.

This has been a long, hard grind. Rather than getting better, it was a long, slow decline.

In February, Mom had another fall. She fractured the bone of her hip socket. This is better by far than breaking a bone, but in come ways, it was worse. She went to a rehab place after her hospital stay, and that was a big mistake. She couldn't do anything on that hip for six weeks as it healed. So, she went to a rehab that was unable to do any rehab.

I paid for two extra months, and she came home May 1st with home physical therapy. In July, she started getting weaker and weaker. I was alarmed and took her to the doctor, and they said she was as well as she could be for a 96-year-old.

Last week she had a fever and I took her to the ER. She had a bad infection and was in the hospital until Friday, when she was discharged to an "elder care facility".

I don't think she'll be coming home. I feel like a failure, but I know I've done my best for her.

She is my last blood relative.

If you live long enough, you may find yourself alone, simply because you've outlived them.

 

 

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Dan South
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You are not a failure! I’m so happy I wandered over here. Seriously hoping I’m real time and you’re around. 
 

Nothing simple here but you must keep breathing. It’s so good obvious you’ve got this

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sandrewn
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@JamesSavik

I feel like a failure, but I know I've done my best for her.

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Not caring, not going to see her as much as you can, that would make you a failure.

Keep doing what you are doing, enjoy every second you spend with her. Let her know you are there for her, cherish the time you have left. You are all she has and you make all the difference in the time she has. Now it is all about her, think positive loving thoughts. Now is not the time to grieve, but to rejoice in her living and the life she gave you all.

This is what I did for my mom, she was 94.

 

My thoughts and prayers to you,

sandrewn

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Mancunian
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You are not a failure. A failure would walk away from hard work and responsibility. A failure would turn their back on a friend or relative that needed help and support. You did the total opposite, you did everything you could to help and support your Mother. You worked hard to give your mother as much independence as possible and helped her to preserve her dignity for as long as possible. You have helped to extend your Mother's happiness. That tells me that you are a good and supportive son who is a success.

I think if your Mother knew how you felt it would upset her as she sees a good loving son who has been her rock through a difficult time, a son who loves and cares for her, a son who is a success in her way of raising you and become a good and caring man. This defines you as a success.

With others now performing the caring duties that your Mother needs is the time to celebrate the time you have and create happy memories in the time you have left together. Enjoy this time and create those happy moments for you and your Mother. I wish you both well in creating those happy memories together.

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chris191070

You are a not failure.

If you were a failure, you would have given up on your Mum years ago. But you didn't, you proved how much you loved her, by helping and caring for all these years.

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kbois
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I know it's hard not to shoulder guilt but the scenario you described is all-too common in the elderly. I worked in a nursing home/rehab facility for 7 years. Something similar happened to my mom as well. I also just lost a good friend a few weeks ago after she fell and broke her femur. She was young (59) but had a lot of underlying health issues. Unfortunately, as we age our bodies ability to heal diminishes and when other health concerns are added it becomes even harder. 

You've done an amazing job taking care of your mom. 96 years is an incredible accomplishment. It still hurts knowing that someone you love is declining but you are in no way a failure. 

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Krista

I understand the feelings, I am in the field where I see caregivers and their relatives. I see the commitment and I also see the ones that act like it is a bother. The worry in your words, the time you spent and kept your mother safely living with you, as independently as she could be. I want you to know that trying isn't failing, it never will be. We can only do what we are capable and some things are out of our control.

I helped care for a loved one for a time, unlike you though I had a lot more help, more family members to step in and shoulder the mixed emotions, the worries, the negative thoughts, and tough decisions. I hope you find some peace and remember a lot of the happier times, and a little more of the joy you likely had when things were better during the time you cared for your mother. 

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