I got some bad news today. It wasn’t anything terribly tragic, and I was kind of expecting it, anyway, so I shouldn’t have been surprised. But it was disappointing all the same.

Anytime I get bad news, I immediately go into self-doubt mode and systematically convince myself that I’m not worth my salt, I’m not good at anything, and who am I to think I deserve to have what I want. It’s always the same voice in my head, and it always says the same things. The voice has become so familiar over the years that, these days when it speaks, I recognized it immediately.

That voice was speaking today. I recognized it and I know it’s unhealthy, so I’ve been actively trying to ignore it. But it’s still there, whispering away in the background, and it won’t shut up.

I was in an elevator today and standing next to a pizza delivery guy. If I had to guess, I’d say he was middle aged, probably an immigrant based on his accent; he reminded me of my dad circa 20 years ago, when I was a teenager in high school. In my head, I imagined that this guy had a family at home, maybe he had kids who were in high school, and here he was delivering pizzas to make ends meet.

I hope I don’t sound pretentious, I don’t want my life to look like that when I reach his age; I don’t want to be delivering pizzas when I’m middle aged. And I’m fairly confident that my life won’t look like that. Because I’m lucky. I’m lucky to have a well-paying job, to have resources at my disposal, to have skills and abilities that are sought after in this job market. Not everyone has those, and I often forget just how lucky I am.

It’s hard to remember to be grateful. It’s much easier to wallow in my own self-pity. When I get bad news, it’s hard to remember that life isn’t over, that I’m still good at a lot of things, and I can and deserve to be a worthwhile member of society. It’s hard to pick myself back up, put on a brave face and continue on.

And, really, today’s bad news? It wasn’t terribly tragic, and I was expecting it, and I have other options to explore. That’s what I’ve been repeating to myself, trying to drown out that stupid voice in my head. Because I’m lucky, and I should be grateful for what I have.