Visit to the cemetery went well, I think.  It started to rain lightly as I was putting the flowers on his grave, which seemed somehow appropriate. It's only been a month so he has no  headstone yet. I need to try and call the funeral home next week and see if they will tell me if the family has enough $ to cover the cost.  I know I could just find his sis' number online, but I'm reluctant to do that for reasons I can't quite explain even to myself.

Started grief counseling last night. Not sure how well that's going to go, but will give it a try. I have 6 free appointments through my work benefits.  Logically, I know what I need to be doing; emotionally....   it's not so easy to actually do. Especially this morning. Trying to focus on our good times together, like our last date -- which the first time we kissed. Sitting in his car with my coat in my lap; had a sweet kiss & told him that he was so handsome. His doubt started to surface, so I took his hand and placed it on my lap under my coat; told him he could feel for himself that I meant what I said, and wasn't just saying it to be nice. His reaction to that, and his response, will always make me smile (no, I won't share what he said). For only being 70 miles apart, it was surprisingly difficult to get together (joked at one point the Universe was trying to keep us apart) but I will always treasure the few times we did have.

Told mom I won't be up for long this Christmas:  up Monday morning, coming home Tuesday afternoon.  Just too soon for a happy joyous holiday celebration. And if my brother says something I'll have to keep myself from hurting him.

Thank all of you for your expressions of support.