Office Party memo

[Jack Scribe]

This satire about political correctness is a little long but very humorous. Enjoy!

 

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

TO: All Employees

 

DATE: November 01, 2007

 

RE: Christmas Party

 

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas

Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in

the private function room at the Grill House. There will be

a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band

playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And

don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa

Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of

gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no

gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy

for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for

employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that

time!

 

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

 

Patty

______________

 

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

TO: All Employees

 

DATE: November 02, 2007

 

RE: Holiday Party

 

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our

Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an

important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas,

though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on

we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The

same policy applies to any other employees who are not

Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas

carols sung. We will have other types of music for your

enjoyment.

 

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

 

Patty

 

______________

 

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

TO: All Employees

 

DATE: November 03, 2007

 

RE: Holiday Party

 

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics

Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you

didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate

this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,

"AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.

How am I supposed to handle this?

 

Somebody?

 

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are

allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too

much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little

chintzy.

 

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

 

_____________

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

To: All Employees

 

DATE: November 04, 2007

 

RE: Holiday Party

 

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20

begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids

eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the

party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this

time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'

beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving

your meal until the end of the party- or else package

everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy

baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for

members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert

buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the

restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.

Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have

their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for

the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to

cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have

booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be

available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt

used in the food we suggest for those people with high

blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits

as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply

"No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

 

Did I miss anything?!?!?

 

Patty

 

________________

 

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

TO: All F*cking Employees

 

DATE: November 05, 2007

 

RE: The F*cking Holiday Party

 

Vegetarian pr*cks I've had it with you people!!!

We're going to keep this party at the Grill House

whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the

table furthest from the "grill of death," as you

so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*cking salad

bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes

have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them.

I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream

right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive

drunk and die,

 

The B*tch from H*ELL!!!!!!!!

 

______________

 

 

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

 

DATE: November 06, 2007

 

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

 

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a

speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards

to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel

our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the

23rd off with full pay.

 

 

Happy Holidays!

[ashessnow]

Haha! It was the vegetarians that did her in - those bastards!

[Conner]

Good one, Jack! Very close to the truth as well. Anyways, trying to accommodate everyone's preferences is a formula for frustration...if not disaster.

 

Conner

[Graeme]

I've seen it before, but it's still amusing Thanks, Jack!

[Benji]

.........Very funny, yet sadly too close to the truth...Chanukah has come and gone for me, I could care less about Ramadan........could care even less about PC...so having said that.....

 

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU

 

...ALL OF YOU THAT CELEBRATE IT

[AFriendlyFace]

Haha! Very amusing!

 

Haha! It was the vegetarians that did her in - those bastards!

I noticed that too

 

-Kevin (the non-picky vegetarian)

[C James]

 

That's a good one!

 

It's true, too: if you try and please everyone, you end up pleasing no one, yourself included.