Friendships with straight guys

[AFriendlyFace]

Hi everyone,

 

This poll is only about our friendships with straight guys.

 

I've recently become very aware that several of my friends long for more or closer friendships with straight guys. A few of my friends already seem to have a few, or a few very good ones, and they're always trumpeting them to be the best thing since sliced bread.

 

Frankly, I don't really see the big appeal. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to criticise straight guys. I'm sure they can make really excellent friends, especially on a case by case basis. As a whole though, I'm not super eager to befriend them.

 

A little about my history. From kindergarten through high school most of my closet friends were straight guys, with only a few notable exceptions. I had very satisfying friendships with them, and I never doubted their loyalty. I've never actually had a notable bad experience with a straight guy, and certainly not one I used to be close with. It's not like I've gotten "burned" or anything.

 

Instead, it's more life I've grown away from them. I wasn't out till after high school nor did I have any interest in being so. Once I came out though, and developed more friendships with other gay guys, lesbians, and straight women I found that I just "clicked" better with them. I felt more connected. Don't get me wrong, I really cared about my old straight friends, it just felt like I didn't have much in common with them anymore, and the conversations and activities with the other three demographics were usually much more interesting and satisfying.

 

Gradually I lost touch with my straight male friends. Several of them I miss, and I suppose I really ought to make an effort to reconnect. However, I really only miss them because I used to care alot about them and we used to share our lives. Making new straight guy friends just isn't as appealing without the old history, and even with the old friends, given our geographic distance and completely different interests, goals, and life styles (many of which have nothing to do with sexuality and are instead simply related to people going different directions after high school), I don't see how we'd maintain a re-established friendship.

 

Anyway, point is, I have fond memories of these guys and I'd be happy to see them, but in the same way that I'd be happy to see an old friend whom I've lost touch with in any of the other demographics.

 

As things stand right now, I don't have any close friendships with straight guys. I have a few casual, pleasant friendships with some guys from church, and I always develop casual friendships with my male-coworkers, but while I've gone with them on group outings and parties and stuff, I can't think of any times in which I felt compelled to socialize with any of them on a one-on-one basis.

 

I'm really quite satisfied with this. I have quite a few very close gay male and lesbian friends, and some really significant friendships with straight girls. I find this more than satisfying socially (usually I love it, but sometimes I even wish I had a little more time to myself). So I guess what I'm asking is:

 

What's the big appeal?

 

What exactly do you get from your friendships with straight guys that you can't from anyone else? (I usually get the generic "guy stuff" answer, but I get the guy stuff from my gay male friends).

 

Do you yourself have a longing for more straight guy friendship?

 

 

As a former psychology major I can't help but try to analyze people (okay, actually enjoy it ). My conclusion is that most gay males who want more friendships with straight males are trying to work out earlier feelings of rejection that they experienced from straight males. They find it particularly affirming to their masculinity and self-esteem to have friendships with these straight males.

 

I can get that I suppose, and if that's the case then as long as they're fairly aware of it and still accept themselves, I guess it can be healthy. Personally though, I feel like I've "had my fill" of friendships with these guys, and I actually tend to find my friendships with GLBT people more satisfying and affirming. With straight women...I guess I just often do find them interesting and find that we "click" fairly well.

 

Of course I'm completely labeling and stereotyping people. I'm aware of that. I don't actually see my friends as "gay guy", "straight girl", "lesbian", "straight guy". I see them all as individuals and I relate to them on an individual basis. I'm just generalizing here. Obviously I can easily imagine meeting a straight guy I click really well with and having him become a close friend. It's certainly possible and if it happened then of course I would be glad. I would just be glad because "hey look a new friend". His gender and sexuality would be incidental.

 

 

So thought?

 

BTW: my poll answers were, I have a few straight guy friends, most of them are casual, and I'm comfortable with things as they are.

 

Take care all,

Kevin

[rknapp]

There's no real big appeal to them. I befriend people who want to be friends with me, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation. Almost all of my male friends are straight, with three of them being gay and one being bi-sexual. I did not meet most of these four guys until last October (met the bi-sexual one when we had Calc I together in the Spring of 2006, but we didn't become friends until we realized where we knew each other from at the GSA last October... it was also then that I learned of his bi-sexuality lol). As far as I can tell I have no problems being friends with gay men... the problem is actually finding them. For example, my relationship with my straight roommate, Kyle, is really no different from my relationship to my friend Ruben. Other than the fact that I've been in a hot tub with Ruben and he rested his face against my nipples for a couple minutes, but I digress.

 

So, a significant number of my friends are straight guys, most of my close friends are straight guys, and I'd like have more straight guy friends.

[Rakuten06]

Yeah, a significant few straight guys because often that I'm an introvert, so my close friends are a girl and a boy who are good at soccer and basketball (they both passed or will pass over 1,000 career points in basketball), so... they know my sexuality for a few years.

 

I'm comfortable with it, if more straight people want to develop a close friendship with me, I will say, "Okay, sure!" and try to make it close as possible...

[Tiger]

Some of my closest friends are straight. I happen to like straight guys (and no... not like that). They can be a lot of fun to hang out with. It's pressure-free quality time with the guys. Besides, there are statistically a lot more straight people, so I know a lot more of them.

[rknapp]

Addition to my previous post: I have more in common with my straight friends than I do the gay ones. The straight ones know what I'm talking about when I say, "I just bought two Flowmasters! w00t!"

[Menzoberranzen]

Addition to my previous post: I have more in common with my straight friends than I do the gay ones. The straight ones know what I'm talking about when I say, "I just bought two Flowmasters! w00t!"

 

Well that's good, cuz you lost me

 

EDIT: After a brief google search, a Flowmaster appears to be some sort of automoblie muffler. I wonder if it comes in pink?

 

In answer to Kevin's question, I have a few casual straight male friends (one of whom is delightfully comfortable hanging out with an inordinate number of gays.) As I type this, I realize that all but one of the straight males I have more than an acquaintanceship with are very meterosexual.

 

Since I was a small child my few friends have been girls and the one close male friend I had recently came out to me (which actually pissed me off more than anything, but that's for another day.)

 

I don't actively avoid friendships with straight guys, I just don't have much in common with them at all. Sometimes I find them a breath of fresh air, but most of the time I find them crude and a bit too stereotypical in a give-me-a-big-power-tool-and-some-beer kind of way. That said, I am quite partial to the straight, casual friends I do have. And I appreciate their ability to let me get wasted on tequila and then let me put my hands in all sorts of inappropriate places.

 

I don't seek out friends, let alone friends who fit into a certain category, but I would not be averse to having more straight friends.

 

Menzo (who's lost most, if not all, of his coherence and really, really needs to be sleeping.)

[Graeme]

I think this poll is biased towards people in Kevin's situation. In my case, I have no real-life gay male friends at all, so all of my male friends are straight. How could I want more?

 

I didn't answer "my best friend is straight" simply because I have a best-online friend who is gay. I've never met him, nor have I ever spoken to him, but I still consider him to be one of my best friends.

[AFriendlyFace]

I'm comfortable with it, if more straight people want to develop a close friendship with me, I will say, "Okay, sure!" and try to make it close as possible...

That sounds like a very healthy attitude!

 

Addition to my previous post: I have more in common with my straight friends than I do the gay ones. The straight ones know what I'm talking about when I say, "I just bought two Flowmasters! w00t!"

Well that's good, cuz you lost me

 

EDIT: After a brief google search, a Flowmaster appears to be some sort of automoblie muffler. I wonder if it comes in pink?

LOL, I actually knew what was...I can't quite comprehend why one would be so excited about owning one, but I know what one is. The only thing I've ever been excited about getting for my vehicle is Margaret (my GPS).

 

In answer to Kevin's question, I have a few casual straight male friends (one of whom is delightfully comfortable hanging out with an inordinate number of gays.) As I type this, I realize that all but one of the straight males I have more than an acquaintanceship with are very meterosexual.

LOL, I was going to say I'd probably enjoy the company of a metro straight guy friend more than regular straight guys. At least we could go shopping together, or get our hair done.

 

Since I was a small child my few friends have been girls and the one close male friend I had recently came out to me (which actually pissed me off more than anything, but that's for another day.)

I have this problem with my close female friends. They all eventually turn out to be lesbians! It doesn't piss me off, but it does amaze me.

 

That said, I am quite partial to the straight, casual friends I do have. And I appreciate their ability to let me get wasted on tequila and then let me put my hands in all sorts of inappropriate places.

Hmm, why do I suspect you don't mean like 'the centers of photographs' or 'the glass on their mirrors' with that comment?

 

EDIT:

 

Sorry, I cross posted with Graeme.

I think this poll is biased towards people in Kevin's situation. In my case, I have no real-life gay male friends at all, so all of my male friends are straight. How could I want more?

For some reason I have a tendency to forget that not all gay people know a lot of other gay people in real life.

 

Anyway, you could still want MORE straight male friends, even if you've already got plenty. Sorry for the thoughtlessness though.

Edited February 9, 2008 by AFriendlyFace

[oneoftheguys]

So all of my guy friends are straight and all but one(my best friend) assume that I am also since I'm a major closet case. I don't have any gay friends which is something that I'm trying to change. But I can't help to wonder that if I was out if I would have gay friends. Also, having straight has it's advantages, going out to sporting events, concerts and whatever it's easy to meet other guys who could happen to be gay. For right now I don't think that I would change any of it, it seems to be working for me so far.

[Razor]

Straight guys freak me the f**K out, plain and simple. They're weird and they don't make any sense to me.

 

In fact, gay guys freak me out a lot of the time. Pretty much anything with a penis kinda confuses me. I think I've pinpointed this down to a somewhat odd trait that many males in general seem to possess (though females do too, sometimes).

 

They completely lack empathetic capacity. An example is that I was talking to Zach and Drew yesterday about some hostage situation thing I'd read about going on in Colombia. FARC has been holding these people, some of them Americans and some who worked for a security firm which did not advise them properly of the danger of their job, for SEVERAL years now. The U.S. refuses to negotiate with them on the grounds that they are considered terrorists.

 

My reaction to this: what the HELL? You can't start spouting foreign policy and diplomatic drivel when people's lives are on the line, ESPECIALLY if they didn't ask for and had no part in the conflict. The first thing that pops into my mind is that I would immediately want to go and help if it was someone I cared deeply for, or if I had any power to do anything about it.

 

Their reaction: that's stupid, it gives FARC power and lets them know that their tactics work.

 

My further reaction: you are both insensitive, terrible, evil, vile, lowdown, dirty, soiled, shameless, unconscionable excuses of human beings.

 

 

 

Anyway, it seems like a LOT of guys have absolutely no problem totally separating any and all emotion from their opinions, and I do not like that. Hysterics never help, but a good dose of empathy has always been a great thing. I find the attitude of males in general to be scathing, inconsiderate, and sometimes outright cruel.

 

Oh, and no, I'm not going to attempt to meet them halfway on that. It's not a good attitude, and it's not the right way to go about things, and it's usually the cause of them hurting someone badly and then not comprehending why their actions had such a bad result. There are certain things that you don't tease about, there are certain things you don't tolerate or condone, and there are certain things that you need to be a good person (namely respect, empathy, and integrity).

 

I realize that this is a broad generalization which doesn't apply to all guys. I've met one or two nice straight guys, but by and large they've all been total asses and I don't have the time, energy, or desire to put up with that sort of thing. I prefer to surround myself with people who are positive, accepting, empathetic, and share a common goal of promoting harmonic and productive relationships.

[Tiger]

So all of my guy friends are straight and all but one(my best friend) assume that I am also since I'm a major closet case. I don't have any gay friends which is something that I'm trying to change. But I can't help to wonder that if I was out if I would have gay friends. Also, having straight has it's advantages, going out to sporting events, concerts and whatever it's easy to meet other guys who could happen to be gay. For right now I don't think that I would change any of it, it seems to be working for me so far.

I have similar problems, but only because I live in a small town. If that wasn't the case, everything would be different in that regard. Small towns are not exactly friendly places to come out. I'm not sure if that's the case for you or not, but I thought I would share with you anyway.

[AFriendlyFace]

So all of my guy friends are straight and all but one(my best friend) assume that I am also since I'm a major closet case. I don't have any gay friends which is something that I'm trying to change. But I can't help to wonder that if I was out if I would have gay friends. Also, having straight has it's advantages, going out to sporting events, concerts and whatever it's easy to meet other guys who could happen to be gay. For right now I don't think that I would change any of it, it seems to be working for me so far.

I'm really glad you're happy

 

Although, I will mention that it might be a little hard to meet other gay guys in that fashion. Most of the guys you meet at football games for example probably won't be gay (they may be don't get me wrong, but there's less of a chance than say, at a musical). Also, you'll be with your straight guy friends and you're not out to them so you won't really be able to pursue anything...plus they will probably be in a similar boat.

 

I'm not trying to be negative though, and if you're happy then you should definitely keep doing that.

 

 

Straight guys freak me the f**K out, plain and simple. They're weird and they don't make any sense to me.

 

In fact, gay guys freak me out a lot of the time. Pretty much anything with a penis kinda confuses me. I think I've pinpointed this down to a somewhat odd trait that many males in general seem to possess (though females do too, sometimes).

 

They completely lack empathetic capacity. An example is that I was talking to Zach and Drew yesterday about some hostage situation thing I'd read about going on in Colombia. FARC has been holding these people, some of them Americans and some who worked for a security firm which did not advise them properly of the danger of their job, for SEVERAL years now. The U.S. refuses to negotiate with them on the grounds that they are considered terrorists.

 

My reaction to this: what the HELL? You can't start spouting foreign policy and diplomatic drivel when people's lives are on the line, ESPECIALLY if they didn't ask for and had no part in the conflict. The first thing that pops into my mind is that I would immediately want to go and help if it was someone I cared deeply for, or if I had any power to do anything about it.

 

Their reaction: that's stupid, it gives FARC power and lets them know that their tactics work.

 

My further reaction: you are both insensitive, terrible, evil, vile, lowdown, dirty, soiled, shameless, unconscionable excuses of human beings.

Well, personally I agree with you on this issue.

 

It's interesting, this reminds me very much of a recent heated debate I had with a friend of mine...really don't want to get into it again, but what it came down to (in my eyes that is), is him differentiating between one group of people over another in terms of who should have more rights, safety, prosperity, etc. Personally I find this completely unacceptable people are people regardless of the borders in which they live, the colour of their skin, or the language they speak.

I don't have the time, energy, or desire to put up with that sort of thing. I prefer to surround myself with people who are positive, accepting, empathetic, and share a common goal of promoting harmonic and productive relationships.

You rock on dude!

 

That's my attitude too. Often people will get annoyed that I don't spend my time worrying about terrorism, or homophobia, or the economy, or any other number of "problems", but that's my response too. I'll do what I can to make these things better, but in the end I'm just going to get on with my life and accentuate the positive instead.

 

-Kevin

Edited February 9, 2008 by AFriendlyFace

[ashessnow]

I don't think I have any "real" straight guy friends. I mean, my best friend and best group of friends are all straight, but that's not quite right. They're more...metrosexual. It's interesting, together we've all been mistaken for being gay. I guess you'd have to see us to understand.

[canundra]

There really is no preference for me. They're just people who I happen to like. Thus, they're my friends. Their sexual orientation doesn't factor into who I prefer to be friends with. Although, I must admit that I am much more comfortable talking to girls who I've never met before than talking to guys who I've never met before. I'm more comfortable talking to girls in general. And a gay guy friend? Never had one.

 

The only problem with straight guy friends is that there's always the potential for me to become attracted to them, and that leads to a whole bunch of problems. But that's a different matter

[Tiger]

The only problem with straight guy friends is that there's always the potential for me to become attracted to them, and that leads to a whole bunch of problems. But that's a different matter

I usually don't become that interested in straight friends. I know the line, and I don't cross it. I think some are cute, but I don't allow myself to become that attached.

[Adrian Michaels]

It's funny, becuase if I would have come across this poll while i was still in high school my answers would have been completely different.

 

Back then, the vast majority of my friends were all theatre kids. That meant girls, and the handful of boys involved. Sure, there were one or two straight ones, but even those who swore heterosexuality in high school ended up at LEAST bicurious in college.

 

Now, however, I have to say I have a surprising amount of straight guy friends. Its just something that happened.

 

One day I found myself just talking to a bunch of them in the dorm den, and we just sort of clicked. The was really interesting, because I knew they liked girls, they knew I liked guys... There was never any tension. It was just a really nice feeling.

 

After the transfer to a different school, I didn't know what to expect. But I have to say that the same thing happened.

 

Of course, they're all the more liberal and accepting straight guys. But that's to be expected.

 

Anyway, that's my story.

[scoopny]

Yeah I have a bunch of straight guy friends, it can be hilarious I freak them out on purpose sometimes when they talk about girls in graphic detail and I'll start doing the same about guys. I also help them out by approaching straight girls first for them. They're grateful.

[Tiger]

It's funny, becuase if I would have come across this poll while i was still in high school my answers would have been completely different.

 

Back then, the vast majority of my friends were all theatre kids. That meant girls, and the handful of boys involved. Sure, there were one or two straight ones, but even those who swore heterosexuality in high school ended up at LEAST bicurious in college.

 

Now, however, I have to say I have a surprising amount of straight guy friends. Its just something that happened.

 

One day I found myself just talking to a bunch of them in the dorm den, and we just sort of clicked. The was really interesting, because I knew they liked girls, they knew I liked guys... There was never any tension. It was just a really nice feeling.

 

After the transfer to a different school, I didn't know what to expect. But I have to say that the same thing happened.

 

Of course, they're all the more liberal and accepting straight guys. But that's to be expected.

 

Anyway, that's my story.

 

People grow up. High school teens tend to be less open-minded than their college counter-parts. That's a good thing. I happen to have straight friends. The problem is that I am not completely out, except to my family, so they don't actually know.

[FrenchCanadian]

Yeah I have a bunch of straight guy friends, it can be hilarious I freak them out on purpose sometimes when they talk about girls in graphic detail and I'll start doing the same about guys. I also help them out by approaching straight girls first for them. They're grateful.

 

ya, It can be fun in those times,, but scoopny, as I can recall you can also help gay mates by approaching other gay guy with them...

 

Actually some str8 friends that I have are kinda cool about it when I talk graphic details. And are interested, it's kinda cool.

[Tiger]

Actually some str8 friends that I have are kinda cool about it when I talk graphic details. And are interested, it's kinda cool.

Those are the ones I call "straight but not narrow". They're certainly easier to get along with.

[FrenchCanadian]

Those are the ones I call "straight but not narrow". They're certainly easier to get along with.

 

Absolutely!! it's great. And they can get into it. Of course, I don't doubt that he's straight, but still he'd say comment making him sound soo gay and moment after he'd say, 'wait a min, did I just said that?!?'

[scoopny]

ya, It can be fun in those times,, but scoopny, as I can recall you can also help gay mates by approaching other gay guy with them...

 

 

I have no idea what you're talking about.

[JamesSavik]

I don't like breeders. They are boring and one dimensional.... barely sentient.

 

I am wary of them they tend to think gay people are weak, stupid and/or easy to take advantage of. It gets tiresome showing them the error in their thinking.

 

We should be allowed to get a hunting license and kill a couple of dozen of them every year just to thin out the heard- you know the stupid ones, the ugly ones, any named Bubba or Skeeter... They would definitly benefit from some eugenics as they apparently don't care which cows they impregnate. Sometimes it seems they look for the worst match possible.

[FrenchCanadian]

I don't like breeders. They are boring and one dimensional.... barely sentient.

 

I am wary of them they tend to think gay people are weak, stupid and/or easy to take advantage of. It gets tiresome showing them the error in their thinking.

 

We should be allowed to get a hunting license and kill a couple of dozen of them every year just to thin out the heard- you know the stupid ones, the ugly ones, any named Bubba or Skeeter... They would definitly benefit from some eugenics as they apparently don't care which cows they impregnate. Sometimes it seems they look for the worst match possible.

 

you can't possibly take all the straight guys and says they're all the same. This is as wrong as saying that all gay are promiscuous and will give you HIV by touching them.

[Benji]

I don't like breeders. They are boring and one dimensional.... barely sentient.

 

I am wary of them they tend to think gay people are weak, stupid and/or easy to take advantage of. It gets tiresome showing them the error in their thinking.

 

We should be allowed to get a hunting license and kill a couple of dozen of them every year just to thin out the heard- you know the stupid ones, the ugly ones, any named Bubba or Skeeter... They would definitly benefit from some eugenics as they apparently don't care which cows they impregnate. Sometimes it seems they look for the worst match possible.

 

 

..........We really need a "tongue in cheek" smiley face here.

 

BTW, James congrats on your 1,500 post

Edited February 12, 2008 by Benji