[Dion] Who You Are to Me

[Dion]

I've posted my first story to GA eFiction and am hoping to get some feedback from you all. It's called (as this thread title reveals) 'Who You Are to Me' and I'll confess to being somewhat naive about publicly posting stories. What I'm thinking doesn't always properly communicate itself to the Word document.

 

All reviews are welcome - and please... if you have any constructive criticism, be generous with it! There are tons of authors on GA that I admire and I would love any advice to make me a better writer!

 

Thanks in advance!

 

You can find the story here: https://www.gayauthors.org/efiction/viewstory.php?sid=612

[Graeme]

I liked it, Dion, until the end.

 

You've got a nice, easy-reading style and you've conveyed emotions and little touches well. Like Randolph's flicker of emotion when Cameron thanked him as he was leaving, and the slightly threadbare towels (I've been in enough hotels to know exactly how that is ).

 

What I didn't like was the ending. You indicated that this is a short story, but the ending was more like it's going to continue into a longer story. Is it a short story or not? If it's a short story, you need a stronger finish. If it's the start of a serialised story, then the ending is fine.

 

Keep writing!

[Dion]

What I didn't like was the ending. You indicated that this is a short story, but the ending was more like it's going to continue into a longer story. Is it a short story or not? If it's a short story, you need a stronger finish. If it's the start of a serialised story, then the ending is fine.

 

Ah - endings are my weak spot. I can come up with a story idea, write it out no problem, but when it comes time to roll it all together...

 

Yeah, I kinda suck at that.

 

You're not the first person to tell me it reads like part of something longer. Thanks for the advice!

[old bob]

You're not the first person to tell me it reads like part of something longer. Thanks for the advice!

I just came to read your story now.

I like it very much, you write as you are, hidden ! I'm sure you have passion in you, but you are afraid to let it go. The story, with some exceptions when you describe the feelings of Cameron, could be a report of the "case" brought by a third person, for instance by Randolph .

Now you have to write a sequel, about how Cameron will greeve, come to a better mood and live new adventures. Just an advice : write it as a third person, it suits better to your style. And put more of your own life in the new story.

BTW, it seems that you are skilled in writing. Does it come from your business work ?

I would like to read another story from you very soon.

Take care, dont be afraid of readers. Even if you get only a few reviews or comments, your story will be worth reading.

Good luck.

Old bob

[Dion]

Thank you for reviewing, old bob.

 

I've actually given the idea of a sequel considerable thought. I have the kernel of a story germinating but, then again, I always have stories on the go. It's finishing them I have troubles with!

 

I really have very little experience with writing. My work doesn't require me to write - at least, not like this. I have difficulty carrying on an intelligible conversation in real life so most of what I want to say goes into a Word document, thereby giving the illusion that I can actually talk. In real life I speak in 'cavemanese' like the character in Kevin's BMAD story.

[Cia]

 

Efiction Reviews as of 1-4-11

 

Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: taina1959

 

Wow Dion! This is the kind of story that grips you and never let you go! From

the very beginning it took a hold of me. I will definitely be reading the rest

of your stories. Thank you so very much for sharing with us!Author's

Response:

I'm happy that you enjoyed it. I know it wasn't everyone's cup of tea.

Thank you for leaving a review!

Date: 04/09/2009 08:59 AM

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Title: Chapter 3 Reviewer: GayUganda

 

I love it.Author's Response:

I'm very glad. Thanks for reading and leaving a review!

Date: 12/09/2008 06:19 AM

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Title: Chapter 3 Reviewer: sparrow

I enjoyed this story. Very moving and well written. I teared up a little at

the end. Thanks for sharing!Author's Response: I'm happy to know it

moved you as I'd intended. I appreciate your review - thank you!

Date: 08/06/2008 02:44 AM

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Title: Chapter 3 Reviewer: Conner365

 

A powerful story. I loved it. It is a story that I am glad to have

read. Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for

reviewing!

Date: 07/19/2008 10:47 AM

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Title: Chapter 3 Reviewer: Steven Keiths

 

Dion,

With my first post I didn't realize you had the others already up, silly

me.

I really enjoyed your writing, Dion and hope you share more of your gift with

us. I do not know how much ambiguity was done purposely with this writing, i.e.,

how they met, more of their personalities, etc. I do think you captured in a

brief, the anguish of both of your protagonists.

Again, I say, hope you write more.

Warm regards,--StevenAuthor's Response:

Two reviews for the price of one! Don't feel silly - I'm happy you kept

reading after the first chapter! The abiguity was done on purpose... And

surprise! You're one of the few who realized it! I wanted the focus to be more

on Cameron's emotions than on his situation (hence the vague referral to his

past).

Thank you for leaving both reviews, Steven, and I have another story

coming within the next few weeks. I hope you'll enjoy that one as well.

-Dion

Date: 07/09/2008 10:42 PM

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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Steven Keiths

 

Dion,

I am so looking forward to reading more. You definitely have my curiosity

peaked. I am anxious to find out more about Cameron and what he decides to do.

You've set your first chapter up very nicely. The only other thing I have to say

is, now get to writing that second chapter:-))

Regards,--Steven

 

Date: 07/09/2008 09:14 PM

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Title: Chapter 3 Reviewer: darkfoxprime

Very well written. Believable and empathetic. Thank you :)Author's

Response: Thank you for reviewing!

Date: 04/30/2008 04:30 PM

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Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Dravenn

 

Your story is well written, it

has a nice conversational tone and I found this an easy and pleasant read.

No major problems , but I did find it difficult to suspend my belief that the

narrator would simply walk out upon finding his lover with another man-with no

dialogue going on between the two beforehand. If someone had cleared

all my clothes out from the closet, I’d want an argument about it first, before

i left.

But then again, we learn later

on that Cameron is young, which you might like to introduce earlier, as this

could help explain why he walked out of the house rather than staying to fight

his ground. I assume that there is some kind of misunderstanding about

John and this will be explained later on.

I liked the internal dialogue in

Cameron’s head at the hotel, his confusion as to what’s going on with John, and

the way you introduce the backstory is well done and does not interrupt the flow

of the story.

I’m confused at the beginning to

chapter two, as earlier I assumed Cameron was still a teenager but here he is

with a secretary and a company car, so I now assume he’s older?

There are sections of the story

that seem drawn out in chapter two, and I’m uncertain of how much time has

passed. I think a year, but it seems that the narrator has not moved on in his

life at all, as he’s still waiting for the call that never comes. Also the

stuff waiting at the airport phoning his secretary detracts from the urgency he

feels to reach John.

I also felt it dragged at little

after John’s death, there seems to be a lot of story after his death where

there’s not much going on. You might consider shortening this section to include

only what is really relevant to the ending.

Finally, one small suggestion,

and this is a tip I picked up from a book on editing, is that you might like to

change some of your participle endings ie, the words that end in ‘ing’, so that

‘who was staring’ becomes ‘who stared’, ‘fumbling with the door

handle’ becomes ‘fumbled with (or for) the door handle’, I think the idea is

that it helps strength the language, and therefore the story

too.Author's Response: Thank you for your suggestions! I sometimes

forget that what is pictured so clearly in my mind does not, in fact, come out

in the writing.rnCameron and John got together when Cameron was a teenager, but

at the beginning of the story they'd been together for several years. Upon

rereading I realize I didn't convey that image. In chapter two, I did write

about how the six-month anniversary of their separation was looming, but again

it's not a very strong point and easily overlooked.rnI'll remember your advice

and work hard on improving the next story. Thanks again!

Date: 04/30/2008 11:00 AM

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