I could use a little advice in regards to ex's

[Phantom]

Well here it goes...

 

Me and my Ex just broke up (well more like me dumping him because he cheated on me). He left me alone for a few days but he started texting me and we started talking again. Yesterday I headed over to his place because he was having a few friends over and since we were still on semi-friendly, me not wanting to murder him terms, I decided to go (against my better judgement). To make a long story short I still like him and ended up sleeping with him again. Now i'm sitting here hurting worse then before and basically replying to fourm topics as a way to get through the bitterness I feel for myself.

 

Basically my question is what should I do? He's made it clear he doesn't want a relationship right now, but he wants to still be friends. But i'm afraid if I keep talking to him, I'll sleep with him again and get hurt all over again.

 

:sigh:

[steph]

you have to think about what's best for you, not what he wants. if he's not willing to give you want you need, then you should make a clean break. it totally sucks, but don't ignore your instincts that being "just friends" won't work. trust your gut.

[AFriendlyFace]

Well here it goes...

 

Me and my Ex just broke up (well more like me dumping him because he cheated on me). He left me alone for a few days but he started texting me and we started talking again. Yesterday I headed over to his place because he was having a few friends over and since we were still on semi-friendly, me not wanting to murder him terms, I decided to go (against my better judgement). To make a long story short I still like him and ended up sleeping with him again. Now i'm sitting here hurting worse then before and basically replying to fourm topics as a way to get through the bitterness I feel for myself.

 

Basically my question is what should I do? He's made it clear he doesn't want a relationship right now, but he wants to still be friends. But i'm afraid if I keep talking to him, I'll sleep with him again and get hurt all over again.

 

:sigh:

Awwww

 

I'm sorry man, that totally sucks!

 

Since you're still on good terms with him I'll skip what I have to say about him cheating on you ( ).

 

It sounds to me like he really shouldn't be in a relationship right now, and only knowing what I know about your relationship with him (which is obviously a very limited amount of information indeed!) it sounds like you probably shouldn't be with him right now either.

 

Don't feel bad, you're certainly not the first couple that's broken up and then had sex again, but I personally do think you're both better off moving on (especially you). So I would suggest that you postpone the still being friends thing. Take a few weeks (at least!) to just get over the relationship without communicating with him. That way, when you do see him again perhaps you'll have less 'passionate' feelings for him (good and bad) and just be left with a more gentle caring toward someone you were close with.

 

Anyway, point is my advice would be to just make it clear that you're fine with being friends (assuming you do ultimately want that), but that you simply need to take a few weeks (or maybe a bit longer) to yourself without seeing him to clear your head and get over things.

 

 

Just my advice though, but I definitely think you made the right decisions and I'm proud of you

 

-Kevin

[JamesSavik]

I like to moon the ex, maybe give them a fruitbowl to remind them what they are missing.

 

Oh yeah- its always a classic move to slap your buttcheeks during the adios mooning to send them on their way.

[Tiff]

I like to moon the ex, maybe give them a fruitbowl to remind them what they are missing.

 

Oh yeah- its always a classic move to slap your buttcheeks during the adios mooning to send them on their way.

That's an excellent way to handle things. But first, have a really firm talk and state that you can't be friends at the moment because it would hurt you too much. Then if you're feeling humorous, moon him. Or wait awhile until you're in that "kiss my ass (moons), look at what you're missing out on, bitch!" thing.

[Demetz]

A brief chat to the effect that you need some time before you can be friends with him again is what I suggest. How long you need before you can be friends with him depends on how deeply attached you were to him in the first place. It might be a few months before you can be friends with him.

 

If he can't understand that now, maybe he will in a few months. If he can't understand it then either, then it will be somewhat sad for you, but still leave you open to finding someone else to become close to.

[greenmann]

While you are giving that "we can't talk for a while till I get my head around this" speech, let him know you are going to be blocking his calls for the foreseeable future. I believe most cell phones can block individual numbers now, so you should be able to to do that fairly easily. You have to let him know you are serious, and doing it for YOU, not to hurt him, if you want a chance at his friendship later. If he can't deal with that, he's not worth your emotional time anyway, and a clean brake is all the more important.

 

Be honest with him. Tell him how you felt after the break-up sex. Maybe it will help him understand what you are going through, so you can get the space you need.

 

And good luck with it all! Don't forget to love yourself. That's the first step to finding someone who will love you back.

[Phantom]

Well, after thinking about it and reading your advice, i've decided to goto dinner with him and talk about how I feel. Hopefully this goes over well and thanks for the advice

 

Also if you live in NJ and hear of a guy getting thrown out of a resturant for mooning and yelling kiss my A**... it wasn't me

[JamesSavik]

Also if you live in NJ and hear of a guy getting thrown out of a resturant for mooning and yelling kiss my A**... it wasn't me

 

Don't forget the fruitbowl.

[Masked Monkey]

ok, Imma at my 2 cents (inflation adjusted),

 

I read all the "talk to him ... blah ... blah", but based on the short glimpse of the relationship that you gave, a few things seem clear. First, you want an emotional relationship with someone that you can trust and when you give someone a piece of your heart, you have a hard time taking it back. Second, he doesn't seem to be looking for an emotional relationship (again, based on the glimpse that we have), he seems more interested in sex. Or to put that less bluntly, when he sees someone "else" that interests him, he doesn't have the moral/emotional make-up to resist himself when the opportunity arises. Third, he doesn't want a "relationship" with you right now, but he wants to have sex with you. This immediately tells me that he places you in the same emotional category that he placed the person(s) he cheated on you with i.e. some nice guy (possibly a friend) to get off with. The Fourth is the reall kicker. You made it clear that, for you, having sex with him again was NOT a casual thing after he already made it clear that it was a casual thing. At this point, every time you see him or talk to him (much less having sex with him) you will partially rebuild the unwarrented relationship feelings and will want to believe that he has them too.

 

It shouldn't be an issue of him giving you space or not, it isn't about "getting over" your feelings for him. What it is about is moving on with your life and finding someone who is in a position to give you the emotional connection you deserve. You cannot put the responsibility on him to give you "space", you have to take it regardless of what he wants. If you don't think you can do it, then you need to do it all the more.

 

wow, all that for $0.04, who says there isn't a bargin anymore

 

:king: Dr. Mr. Snow "Snoopy" Dog

[GaryK]

Perhaps I'm picking at nits, but I think telling him you can't be friends for awhile is cold.

 

Yes I know he cheated on you and the SOB should count himself lucky not to be wearing a fruitbowl and looking over his shoulder whilst watching you moon him and slap your ass.

 

How about telling him you'd like to move forward as friends; without benefits, but you need some time away from him first to get into the right mindset to do that?

[C James]

Ouch.

 

I have to say, I think Snowey hit it right on the head; you need to make a clean break. Trying to be "friends" IMHO is only advisable after a mutual and amicable parting of the ways. In a case of cheating, I find it hard to fathom under any circumstances.

 

This guy, from what you've shown, has hurt you, and if you stay close, he'll continue to do so. Worse, by sticking close to him, you very well might miss the guy out there who is what you want: Somebody who won't cheat.

 

Give yourself some space. I'd suggest a one-way text message, not an in-person meeting. He's the one who cheated, you owe him nothing. You do, however, owe yourself to do what is best for you.

 

Just my 3 cents worth (I'm not as expensive as Snowy).

CJ

[scoopny]

I've been in this situation and all I can say is run the other way, don't talk to him for a while because he'll use the emotional edge he has over you to lure you back into bed. You just need to stay away, for as long as it takes, until the feelings subside. Even so, I really don't talk to my ex at all, except for brief emails. It brings back too much bad history. Good luck though!

[Phantom]

Well, he couldn't do dinner with me because he has work so I decided to post the whole situation of what happened since my original post was late at night and I was tired...

 

About two weeks ago we were hanging out and I noticed something off with him (we've been going out for close to 4 months so I know his body language). When I asked him what was bothering him, he said that it was nothing and we let it at that.

 

Later on that week, he calls me and tells me that we need to talk. So I get over to his place and we talk for a little bit and he tells me that he cheated on me, but only once. I couldn't believe it because I pegged him as a nice guy who wouldn't do something like that. So he tells me that it was with a guy he met up at the bar we normally go to (and that really got me because chances are I know the guy). We talked a little more after that and I said that I didn't want to talk to him for a little bit because of how hurt I was.

 

The day before yesterday, he gives me a call telling me that he wants me to come over because of a little get together he's having. Now I thought I was somewhat over him so I agreed that I would. I spend some of the night talking with other people at the party and end up talking with him when people started to leave. I explained how I was really hurt by what he did and when we went into more detail about us, I started to cry. At this point he put his arms around me like he would when I was upset or scared (he was with me when I had to get some testing done at a hospital and had to stay there for close to a week and I get scared when I'm at a hospital). Then it happens and we kiss, but it gets more agressive and well.... lets say it gets a little bit steamy after that.

 

When I woke up the next moring, we did our goodbyes and I got home and was really upset and hurt again. He texts me later and we talk for a bit but the whole thing was that he does care for me and wants to retry our relationship, but I told him that I can't date anyone who's cheated on me, but I want to be friends. Now while i'm telling him this, theres a little voice in my head that's saying that I can make this work. But everytime I see him or talk to him I want to make it work, but I feel hurt when I do.

 

Thats the long story. But I do wanna take james's advice and moon him (and I like fruit bowls so i'd eat it before throwing it lol) and tell him to kiss my... yea.

 

All I can say is that this situation sucks, but I really do appreciate everyones advice so far!

[rknapp]

Also if you live in NJ and hear of a guy getting thrown out of a resturant for mooning and yelling kiss my A**... it wasn't me

I'll keep my ears open, lol.

 

Jokes aside, I think what you need to do is ask him to just leave you alone for at least a little while. In that little while you should consider your feelings for him, his feelings for you as you perceive them (and remember that if he cheated once already, there's no telling that he wouldn't do it again) and decide how you two should proceed from there. Honestly, I think you should forget any notion of a romantic relationship. I think friendship is still in the cards, but you need to make it absolutely clear that there will be no intimate benefits, and be sure to tell him why that is. Tell him exactly how you felt when he said he cheated on you and following the sex from the other night. If he's compassionate at all, he'll understand and he'll give you the space you need and not try to "hook up" with you anymore.

 

One last thing -- you need to control yourself. It takes two to have sex (sometimes three or four, but we won't discuss that until chapter 6 ), so I sincerely doubt that he was the only one going through the motions. I don't know how attached you are to him, but you need to be able to say "no" and make sure he knows that "no means no".

 

 

OFF-TOPIC: W00t! I'm not the only NJ member anymore!

[Phantom]

Well... thanks to your advice, I'm gonna end this topic.

 

me and the ex talked about it and I told him how I felt, and the reasons for the way I wanted to continue things and he agreed. Basically we're going to have a friendship and thats about it.

 

And the way I celebrated, I went out to NYC with my friend Kris (a good friend from PA) and spent 2 days in the heat only to loose myself in times square and a few bars.

 

All in all, I feel better knowing that we're done and the emotions I have for him are slowly going away.

 

And once again guys, thanks for the advice in dealing with him. It was much appreciated and I hope to return the favor one day!