Falling in love with you best friend

[AFriendlyFace]

So I've noticed over the years that a huge number of members seem to have fallen in love with their best friend at some point or another. We have countless threads scattered throughout the forum discussing this topic. However, unless I'm mistaken we don't have any threads discussing the general phenomenon (as opposed to all the specific incident threads we have).

 

So no, I'm not in a situation like this right now (don't really think I ever have been, though maybe kinda sorta).

 

I just thought it might be good to finally discuss the topic itself.

 

So a few questions:

 

-Do you think people (straight or gay) are prone to falling in love with their best friend? Or is this just over-represented in the forum.

-Do you think GLBT people are more likely to experience this than straight people?

-Has it happened to you or someone you know?

-Why do you think it happens in general?

-Overall is it a good thing or a bad thing, and why?

 

I tend to ramble on at length in such beginning posts as I'm sure most of you have noticed, so I won't kick off this discussion, I'll reflect on this and post my thoughts later. In the meantime I'd love to hear what you guys think!

 

 

-Kevin

[JamesSavik]

-Do you think people (straight or gay) are prone to falling in love with their best friend? Or is this just over-represented in the forum.

 

I think that it is a phase that gay/bi people go through.

 

-Do you think GLBT people are more likely to experience this than straight people?

 

Of course.

 

-Has it happened to you or someone you know?

 

of course.

 

-Why do you think it happens in general?

 

proximity

 

-Overall is it a good thing or a bad thing, and why?

 

Typically it is a recipe for disaster.

[Ieshwar]

Hi Kev!

 

I have noticed yu said \"fallen in love\". Are you including things like infatuation and crushes? Or only \'Love\'? I\'m going to include all kinds of \"love\" in my answers.

 

-Do you think people (straight or gay) are prone to falling in love with their best friend? Or is this just over-represented in the forum.

I think it\'s not something based on sexual orientation. Straights and gays, both, are liable to fall in love with best friends.

 

-Do you think GLBT people are more likely to experience this than straight people?

Perhaps... In my case, I attended an all-boys school. So most of my friends, and best friend, were boys. And any gay in an all-boys college is surely more likely to fall for his best friend, compared to his straight classmate.

 

-Has it happened to you or someone you know?

 

Alas, yeah! To me. To my Mauritian gay friends (at least 1!). To a few guys I know online (at GA )

 

-Why do you think it happens in general?

He\'s here when you want him. When you hang out, he tells the silliest jokes yet you laugh. He doesnt care if you wore unmatching shirt and pants today. You rant to him about you problems and he listens. He\'s a confidante, an accomplice. He IS a bit what you look for in a boyfriend. You open your heart to him and he simply walks in.

 

That\'s my theory. Lol

 

-Overall is it a good thing or a bad thing, and why?

For straights and gays with gay best friends, perhaps yes! Love with friendship is something great. At least I think so.

 

For gays with straight best friends, no. It brings more pain than bliss. *sigh*

 

Take care,

Ieshwar

[Krista]

-Do you think people (straight or gay) are prone to falling in love with their best friend? Or is this just over-represented in the forum.

 

I think gay and straight people have times where they've fallen in love or just had a small crush on their best friend, I don't think it's overly represented here.

 

 

-Do you think GLBT people are more likely to experience this than straight people?

 

Nope. Lol. One reason it may be talked about in the GLBT community more is because there is less a chance those feelings will be reciprocated unless both people are gay. In the straight community it's more open for discussion. Also, since the "best" friend role is typically the same sex as the person like I would say for the longest time Cassie and Jamie (the one with boobs), and Melodie were my best friends until later in high school when Derek, Greg, and Jason moved into those positions. (The girls were off dating all the time so I had to have someone amuse me).

 

-Has it happened to you or someone you know?

It has happened to my group of friends a lot. My friend Cass married to Rex, Jamie married Blake, and Melodie married Josh. All of which are in our core group of friends and have been there since like kindergarten.. small town and all.

 

-Why do you think it happens in general?

 

Best friends are your best friends for a reason, you have the most in common, you trust them with everything you hold dear the most, you spend the most time together out of all your other friends. So a best friend is someone highly attractive and when hormones kick in those attributes are definitely expressed further.

-Overall is it a good thing or a bad thing, and why?

 

That depends on a lot of things Kevin. It could so be an eHaromony/Hallmark moment or a hellish nightmare. Best friends who usually fall in love is pretty romantic. Always together after meeting to being in love, being in love with your best friend can be a really strong and passionate relationship. As one would know what makes the other one tick and such. Knowing someone and being that attached could be pretty amazing. On the other end dating your best friend could be extremely complicated. You know so much about them and you feel so strongly for them once problems in the relationship arise they probably tend to be more intense and detrimental to the relationship. Also, once that relationship ends either way that person is probably no longer your best friend there would just be too much baggage and losing your best friend is usually a huge loss.

[Tiger]

My best friend when I was younger was Josh. I never fell in love with him, but I did want to fool around a little and there was a little of that. Anyway, I guess that puts me into the minority.

[Dion]

-Do you think people (straight or gay) are prone to falling in love with their best friend? Or is this just over-represented in the forum.

 

I think it happens quite a bit but most people are mildly embarrassed and so don't bring it up that often. Being a close-knit community, GA members are more likely to be open to talking about it, especially upon seeing others confess to feeling the same way. I could see a group of friends having the same conversation. Given the number of members who have said they've fallen for their best friend versus the number of GA members who didn't respond, I don't think it's over-represented.

-Do you think GLBT people are more likely to experience this than straight people?

 

Unfortunately, I do. Considering the difficulties facing GLBT people in their search for a partner, it's more likely they will experience strong feelings for those who accept them and enjoy their company without reservation.

-Has it happened to you or someone you know?

 

Probably to someone I know. See the first response.

-Why do you think it happens in general?

 

Sometimes misinterpretation - reading too much into what is there. For the most part I believe people are just trying too hard to find 'that special someone'. When they realize how well they get along with their best friend, they make the mistake of thinking that the right one may have been there all along and they just didn't recognize it.

-Overall is it a good thing or a bad thing, and why?

 

Both. It's a good thing that people don't give up on the idea, whether or not it's correct. It's a bad thing as well because finding out they were wrong makes people on both sides of the equation wary of getting closer to their friends.

[AFriendlyFace]

I have to say I pretty much agree with everyone above. Although I would disagree with James only in his statement about falling in love with your best friend being a phase gay/bi people go through. I don't think it is necessarily a phase that all gay/bi people go through and I also think it happens to straight people.

 

Krista's point about best friends typically being the same gender is an excellent one (thus gay people might be more prone).

 

Also, regarding Ieshwar's question about like and infatuation etc., I purposely left that vague to give people the prerogative to choose and define their answers accordingly.

 

My answers:

 

-Do you think people (straight or gay) are prone to falling in love with their best friend? Or is this just over-represented in the forum.

 

Like everyone pointed out, I think it happens in general because a 'best friend' is someone you're so physically and emotionally close to. So if there is a capacity for attraction I think it makes it very possible indeed.

-Do you think GLBT people are more likely to experience this than straight people?

A bit more because as Krista pointed out typically one's best friends are the same gender so if you're attracted to same gender people it's more likely. But I don't there's much difference if you compare straight men and women with an opposite sex best friend.

-Has it happened to you or someone you know?

Obviously people I know.

 

Me...I don't think I've ever really been 'in love' with a best friend before, and actually I don't think I've ever even been seriously infatuated with a close friend before. Typically what happens to me is that I'll have feelings for a regular friend or just friendly acquaintance and over time if nothing develops romantically BUT our friendship grows I usually lose my romantic feelings for that person. I have a lot of close friends, indeed most of my close friends, that I was once infatuated with a bit, but once they got in the "close friend zone" I didn't have those feelings anymore. I don't mean this quite the way this statement will probably express it in terms of connotation, but to me falling in love with a best friend or very close friend is almost unthinkable. I literally wouldn't consider it and my mind doesn't go there at all. That said I might definitely always continue to find the person attractive, even in a sexual way. But love and lust are two different things and I'm physically attracted to lots of people I'd never consider actually dating.

 

I guess the closest I ever came to this experience of 'falling in love with your best friend' was when I was in junior high. Looking back I can clearly see that I was infatuated with my best friend. However, I didn't realize or label those feelings at the time. Also, it followed the general trajectory of my experiences in that we first got to be friends in junior high and that's when I was attracted to him. He remained my best friend through high school and into college, and I honestly don't think by high school I was romantically interested in him at all. But I do remember a 'spark' in junior high.

 

-Why do you think it happens in general?

He\'s here when you want him. When you hang out, he tells the silliest jokes yet you laugh. He doesnt care if you wore unmatching shirt and pants today. You rant to him about you problems and he listens. He\'s a confidante, an accomplice. He IS a bit what you look for in a boyfriend. You open your heart to him and he simply walks in.

I definitely think Ieshwar said this best and most beautifully!

 

-Overall is it a good thing or a bad thing, and why?

 

I have known a few pairs of best friends who have fallen in love. It is really great and for the most part these seem to be among the happiest and most successful relationships. I think the key goes back to what Krista said, if they both fall in love it's awesome, if only one does it's a nightmare (for both usually).

 

 

 

Take care all

Kevin

[ashessnow]

I just think that as your best friend you see them a bit differently. You know them better and you help each other out through your problems. As best friends you go through things together so its kinda natural that you might like them to the point that you fall in love with them.

But I dont really think gay people are any more prone to fall in love with their male best friend anymore then a straight guy would fall for his female best friend.

And I dont think its a phase that all gays go through. It just happens.

 

Edit - I totally didnt read anyone elses post and now that I just did, I realize how completely unoriginal I am.

Edited July 2, 2008 by Nerotorb

[Bondwriter]

One question: don't you become someone's best friend because you find him attractive in the first place, more or less consciously? And then develop some kind of feelings.

BTW, I've become best friends with someone I was infatuated with. Terribly, definitely straight though.

[Krista]

One question: don't you become someone's best friend because you find him attractive in the first place, more or less consciously? And then develop some kind of feelings.

BTW, I've become best friends with someone I was infatuated with. Terribly, definitely straight though.

 

 

Yes. A best friend normally has some of the qualities you find attractive in people or want. Attraction could develop or it could not. It could just be someone who you have a lot of things in common with, but usually best friends are someone that is at least similar I think.

[Objectivist]

-Do you think people (straight or gay) are prone to falling in love with their best friend? Or is this just over-represented in the forum.

People aren't proned to falling in love with their best friends, and its only over represented because people talk about their feelings in the forum. :? i dont see many people coming and saying how they arent in love with their best friend. or talking about how both friends are mutually unattracted to each other and that being a problem. People that want to talk about it will talk about it, but i would hardly think that people are proned. However, when a person does fall inlove with their best friends it may create problems which is why its talked about.

 

 

 

-Do you think GLBT people are more likely to experience this than straight people?

Naw. Theres nothing that we experience that they themselves dont experience, and theres nothing that the LGBT experiences more than they do except for sexual harrassment, AID/HIV and STDs :? but other than that (and whatever i forgot to mention ) we experience everything equally as our hetero counterparts.

 

 

-Has it happened to you or someone you know?

Heck yes.

 

-Why do you think it happens in general?

People tend to surround themselves with others that are akin to themselves and sometimes an affection grows there. Not all the time though. I think it all depends on whether or not you want someone that is like you or opposite you. And if your bf is like you in many ways your chances of having feelings other than friendships are bound to increase. but that odesnt mean it will happen with everyone. just the chances increase.

 

 

 

 

-Overall is it a good thing or a bad thing, and why?

 

To fall in love with a best friend? Every situation is unique. It oculd turn out to be a good thing. You might not end up with your best friend, but your friendship could gain strength. Then again you could get together with them, things not end up working out and a. you break up and your friendship is jeopardized. but then that leaves room for another best friend or b. things dont work out you end up best friends and things get stronger.

 

or it could be a bad thing. however im in an optimistic mood so i care not to think why it could be bad.

 

 

hahahah that made no sense but thats A-ok

[JamesSavik]

I think falling for your best friend is something that GLBT people in their teens really need to watch out for.

 

Falling for your best friend is one of the oldest ways in the book to get hurt for gay people. Since only 4-10% of the population is gay, the probability that your best friend is gay is about 10% or less. Not only do you risk losing someone with whom you are in love with, losing your best friend is a one-two punch that is hard as hell to get over. I guarantee that it will leave a scar you won't soon forget.

 

What happens to a lot of young gay people is that they get hurt in this way over and over. Soon they begin to associate love with pain and say f**K-it.

 

That's how a lot of people in the club and cruise scene got there: their experience has shown them that gay love is either unreal or simply too painful to bear. Their love life becomes a series of one night stands and quickies without any emotion content.

 

Not only is this grossly unfulfilling, bed-hopping can be deadly.

 

Take care with your heart. It can only take so much punishment. Pain is a cruel teacher because its lesson are only taught after you have screwed to pooch.

[AFriendlyFace]

One question: don't you become someone's best friend because you find him attractive in the first place, more or less consciously? And then develop some kind of feelings.

BTW, I've become best friends with someone I was infatuated with. Terribly, definitely straight though.

Yes. A best friend normally has some of the qualities you find attractive in people or want. Attraction could develop or it could not. It could just be someone who you have a lot of things in common with, but usually best friends are someone that is at least similar I think.

I don't think people necessarily find their best friend 'attractive' in the way that we think of with regards to sexual attraction or romantic attraction. Obviously their best friend is attractive in their personality or interests or something, but not necessarily in the other, and I think that other is necessary if there is to be the 'falling in love' thing. But yeah, I agree that there's that general tendency precisely because you do like and care about the qualities that you best friend posses.

 

 

-Do you think people (straight or gay) are prone to falling in love with their best friend? Or is this just over-represented in the forum.

People aren't proned to falling in love with their best friends, and its only over represented because people talk about their feelings in the forum. :? i dont see many people coming and saying how they arent in love with their best friend. or talking about how both friends are mutually unattracted to each other and that being a problem. People that want to talk about it will talk about it, but i would hardly think that people are proned. However, when a person does fall inlove with their best friends it may create problems which is why its talked about.

Personally I think my romantic problems would be solved if I'd only fall in love with my best friend. He is gay and has indicated on previous occasions that he'd be receptive to a relationship. I love him very much, we have a lot in common, and I honestly think we'd do the happily ever after thing if I were in love with him...but I'm not.

 

I think falling for your best friend is something that GLBT people in their teens really need to watch out for.

 

Falling for your best friend is one of the oldest ways in the book to get hurt for gay people. Since only 4-10% of the population is gay, the probability that your best friend is gay is about 10% or less. Not only do you risk losing someone with whom you are in love with, losing your best friend is a one-two punch that is hard as hell to get over. I guarantee that it will leave a scar you won't soon forget.

That's a good point, but for me at least I'm naturally more inclined to developing friendships with other gay guys. I find them more interesting and easier to relate to as a general rule. So while randomly my someone might only bear a 10% chance of being gay, I think the very fact that he's my best friend makes him more likely to be gay in the first place.

 

What happens to a lot of young gay people is that they get hurt in this way over and over. Soon they begin to associate love with pain and say f**K-it.

 

That's how a lot of people in the club and cruise scene got there: their experience has shown them that gay love is either unreal or simply too painful to bear. Their love life becomes a series of one night stands and quickies without any emotion content.

 

Not only is this grossly unfulfilling, bed-hopping can be deadly.

 

Take care with your heart. It can only take so much punishment. Pain is a cruel teacher because its lesson are only taught after you have screwed to pooch.

A sad, but very astute and accurate point

 

 

 

Take care all,

Kevin

[Cynical Romantic]

Maybe jumping into this one a little late... but it's something I have a bit of experience with myself, so I figured I'd ring in. I've fallen for two people I considered to be good/best friends at the time, and I have many friends - gay and straight - who have as well. I think it's probably really common.

 

-Do you think people (straight or gay) are prone to falling in love with their best friend? Or is this just over-represented in the forum.

 

Agree with others - it happens a lot, because we tend to want a lot of the same things from love as from friendship. Minus the sex, usually (though there are exceptions there too). But most people are attracted to similar qualities in friends and lovers - good conversation, shared interests, trust, that feeling of being around someone who "gets" you and understands you and makes you happy to just be with. So yeah, I think it's not much of a stretch at all to get from friendship to love. Also, just by being around someone as often as you tend to be around your best friend, the feelings of being comfortable together and sharing experiences can just naturally develop.

 

-Do you think GLBT people are more likely to experience this than straight people?

 

From what I've seen, maybe that's true, just because when we're young, we're more liable to have best friends who are the same gender as us. But it can certainly happen to straight people with best friends of the opposite sex too - trust me on this one. And this may be a bad stereotype but from my experience, I think it's probably more common for girls to fall for their best friends - male or female. The bad stereotype is, of course, the notion that women are more attracted to inner qualities and less to the exterior package as it were. I can't say that's true of all women, or that men are all shallow, because I definitely know a lot of exceptions to those rules. But as with most stereotypes, there is some truth to it.

 

-Has it happened to you or someone you know?

 

Yes. *Sigh*. I have a really bad habit of it actually. The first guy I ever fell in love with was my best friend for over two years before it turned into more. A couple of years later, I did it again and fell for another guy who was a good friend first. Actually I think it's a bit of an annoying pattern with me; I tend to need to be "friends first" before I really fall for a guy.

 

-Why do you think it happens in general?

 

Pretty much for the reasons already listed. You love someone as a friend for a lot of the same reasons that you fall in love. You have things in common, you get one another, you like each other's company, you're on the same wavelength, etc.

 

-Overall is it a good thing or a bad thing, and why?

 

My track record isn't too good, unfortunately. Good while it lasts - great actually - but then when you break up, you lose the love and the friendship. Double-whammy. But I still have this romantic notion that the guy I eventually end up with will be my both best friend and my lover. I've seen it work out with other couples, gay and straight, so I figure it's possible. But it's a big risk, because sometimes losing the friendship is harder than losing the relationship, after things go sour.

 

Overall I'd say it's a big risk. Then again, life's a risk. So is love. You never know until you try, right?

Edited July 20, 2008 by hotchikk

[Tipdin]

-Do you think people (straight or gay) are prone to falling in love with their best friend? Or is this just over-represented in the forum.

-Do you think GLBT people are more likely to experience this than straight people?

-Has it happened to you or someone you know?

-Why do you think it happens in general?

-Overall is it a good thing or a bad thing, and why?

 

 

 

Best friends become best friends for a reason. We're attracted to them in the first place so it's no surprise that many people do in fact fall for their best. Hopefully, your partner IS your best friend.

 

I'm not sure if GLBT people are more prone to it. If we are, I would hazard a guess that it's because we feel so isolated and lonely from the get-go. It's so hard to find other gay people - even today. We still can't just trot up to a cutie and tell them we like them, unfortunately. (Although I do it anyway, even though I get in trouble sometimes!)