Why DON'T you want to get married?

[AFriendlyFace]

Hi all,

 

I'm aware that quite a few members actively don't want to get married and since we have so many discussion threads in various places about marriage I thought it would be good to discuss the other side. Thus, I would like to ask those members among us who don't want to get married to briefly explain the reasoning behind their feelings.

 

I'd also like to remind everyone to please be respectful of each other's opinions, don't take things personally, and don't make personal remarks/attacks at other members. Also, while I can't speak for them, it seems that most people who don't want to get married are still more or less in favour of - or at least okay with - other people getting married.

 

Also, I don't mean it to sound like I'm asking them to justify their stance. As long as it works for them it really needs no additional justification. However, I think all major decisions in life (and this is certainly one of them) require justification in one's own head at least; although I get the distinct impression that everyone I have in mind has taken the time to think it out ( ) in any case I don't think people should just make assumptions about these things. Far too often people assume they should get married/enter a serious relationship simply because it's part of the status quo. Similarly, very often people who are gay get the attitude that that means they can't/won't/aren't likely to have a permanent relationship. It's this lack of critical questioning that I think should be examined. Finally, I personally think it's always fun and informative to discuss these types things. Even if I know I don't agree with someone,aren't likely to change my own mind, and not going to try to change theirs, I still enjoy discussing the issue (in a non-heated way) and getting a better handle on other perspectives.

 

Also, remember this is a thread about not wanting to get married.

 

Lastly, the term "married" as I'm using it is open to interpretation. All I really mean is entering a relationship which is presumed to be permanent. You can call it whatever you like, or have it be called something else by other people. However, for some people there may be a difference: they may want to enter a permanent relationship but not officially 'get married'. So I'd love to hear that perspective as well!

 

I thought about starting this thread in the Soapbox because I'm worried that it'll take on a political or heated tone. I'm counting on you guys proving me wrong because I really wasn't interested in discussing politics, only personal feelings and opinions, and I certainly don't want things to get heated!

 

I expect I'll weigh in with my own opinions at some point because I'm an extremely independent person and I can think of a lot of great reasons why one shouldn't get married. However, I can also think of a lot of great reasons why one should. So I guess my position is that I'm open to the idea of marriage, but not desperately wanting or needing it, and I'll be just fine if it doesn't happen. Indeed it would take someone pretty amazing AND a very special set of circumstances for me to marry them.

 

So with that said:

 

Why don't you want to get married?

[Tiger]

I wouldn't go as far as to say that I would never get married. I will say that I would never marry a woman, because I could never be the husband she deserves. As for marrying a man, things would have to be really serious, and I'd have to be sure that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. It would take a long time for me to get to that point.

[kitten]

It seems to me that there is pressure, even in the 'gay community', to settle into a long-term relationship. Often, especially when couples make a big thing about spending X years together, there is an unspoken implication that those whose relationships do not last so long are less successful, or at least less fortunate.

 

In the past, in order to avoid feeliing like a failure or being pitied as an unfortunate, I entered into relationships that lasted from several months to years. They didn't work out because, basically, I prefer living on my own. Now I'm happy with my 'single' status. I enjoy socialising with my friends and having occasional 'flings'. My best friend is an ex-bf. I no longer feel like a failure or that I'm unfortunate because I'm not in a long term relationship.

 

Anyway, although I'm not against other people getting married, I certainly wouldn't want to do it myself. For me, living with another person is bad enough, but the idea of being legally tied to them is horrifying.

 

I realise that this outlook probably makes me part of a tiny minority, but life would be much less interesting if we all had the same views on everything.

 

Kit

[ashessnow]

I saw what marriage did to my parents. For now Ill just leave it at that.

[Menzoberranzen]

I don't want to get officially married because I disagree with the foundations of the instution and what it stands for. It may have evolved, but I still don't see why I'd want to enter into something that, for all practical purposes (well most), has no relevance. Having some priest/minister/public official pronounce marriage does nothing to validate people's love for one another. And I don't buy the whole 'it's nice to declare our love' argument. If you need to declare it to other people, then you tacitly admit that how they view you and your spouse is important. If you love someone, the world does not need to be made aware.

 

As for marriage defined as a permanent relationship, I'm not actively against it. That said, I think I'd grow bored of waking up beside the same face for twenty odd years. But that might change, so I leave myself open to the possibility.

 

Menzo

[NickolasJames8]

I think that the days of marriage being defined as a union of two people in the eyes of the law or in the eyes of God are coming to an end. I mean, in reality, the idea is antiquated and something that at some point, society as a whole will come to abandon.

 

Personally, I think that marriage is something that should be, well, personal. The government has no right to issue licenses, and while any church can certainly recognize anything it wants, those who don't practice any sort of religion or who don't carry beliefs will still commit to each other. So, after all of that, here's my stance....

 

I don't think I want to get married because it would go against everything I believe in. Like I said before, the function of the government isn't to recognize a union between two people. As a minarchist, applying for a marriage license would be hypocritical. The love, trust and respect that I share with whomever I choose to spend the rest of my life with is worth more than some crappy piece of paper, anyway.

[JamesSavik]

Why ruin perfectly good sex and friendship with marriage?

 

Besides, have you LOOKED at any married people lately?

[NickolasJames8]

Why ruin perfectly good sex and friendship with marriage?

 

Besides, have you LOOKED at any married people lately?

 

 

I have to see two married people I can barely stand to look at every single day :nuke:

[AFriendlyFace]

I pretty much agree with all of Kit's points.

 

It seems to me that there is pressure, even in the 'gay community', to settle into a long-term relationship. Often, especially when couples make a big thing about spending X years together, there is an unspoken implication that those whose relationships do not last so long are less successful, or at least less fortunate.

That's definitely true. I think it's ashame too because personally speaking I'd rather have one happy year with someone than two unhappy ones.

 

In the past, in order to avoid feeliing like a failure or being pitied as an unfortunate, I entered into relationships that lasted from several months to years. They didn't work out because, basically, I prefer living on my own. Now I'm happy with my 'single' status. I enjoy socialising with my friends and having occasional 'flings'. My best friend is an ex-bf. I no longer feel like a failure or that I'm unfortunate because I'm not in a long term relationship.

I can definitely identify with this as well. I've never stayed with anyone nearly that long, but I have to say that every time I've broken up with someone I've felt relieved and really enjoyed being on my own again. I definitely prefer living on my own. I've often said that if I did 'get married' (or in a permanent relationship), I'd really like for us to each have our own room. I really like my own space and privacy. Every now and then I feel like sleeping with someone (in the literal sense), but that's very uncommon and atypical for me; most of the time I greatly prefer sleeping alone. Haha, in a weird sort of way perhaps the ideal 'marriage' would be one in which we maintained two separate homes. Could he just be my next door neighbour?

 

I don't want to get officially married because I disagree with the foundations of the instution and what it stands for. It may have evolved, but I still don't see why I'd want to enter into something that, for all practical purposes (well most), has no relevance. Having some priest/minister/public official pronounce marriage does nothing to validate people's love for one another. And I don't buy the whole 'it's nice to declare our love' argument. If you need to declare it to other people, then you tacitly admit that how they view you and your spouse is important. If you love someone, the world does not need to be made aware.

 

As for marriage defined as a permanent relationship, I'm not actively against it. That said, I think I'd grow bored of waking up beside the same face for twenty odd years. But that might change, so I leave myself open to the possibility.

Interesting, and I can see where you're coming from, but I don't agree. I think when something, anything, is important to you it is nice to let the world know. No, it isn't essential, and it definitely shouldn't matter, but it 'feels nice' - at least to me - to say "yes, this is what/who/where I like!" Theoretically 'being married' should be a really great experience for the people involved. I think it's only natural that they would want to share that with others.

 

Also, for me personally I could never hide a significant relationship like that. I'm by no means 'clingy', but I am spontaneously affectionate and I certainly don't shy away from PDA, so presumably people would work out that this person was someone important to me anyway. At that point, if we were that serious, I can't imagine not letting them know just how important he is. I similarly would want to talk about him and refer to him and people are going to ask for some sort of clarification of what he means to me. If I felt more strongly about him than just 'boyfriend' I would certainly want to tell them.

 

Next, while I think it's 'ashame' that I feel this way, one of the worst mistakes a boyfriend could make in terms of making me angry and offending me would be to refuse to acknowledge the nature of our relationship in anything but an explicitly homophobic setting (even an implicitly homophobic setting). I'm not the kind of person who's going to force it into the conversation or even feel compelled for either of us to volunteer the information of our own volition, but if it does come up where he has to clarify our relationship or refer to me in relationship specific ways he'd better not call me his 'roommate' or 'friend' (perhaps next door neighbour though )

 

Thus, I'm sure I would feel the same way in a very serious relationship if he only referred to me as his 'boyfriend' or 'the guy he's dating' when were very clearly, and explicitly to each other, more than that. I just know it would get under my skin and bother me over time.

 

Lastly, Menzo, I'd like to ask a question. You said that you were open to the possibility of a permanent relationship. What if one did crop up, and you found it happy and satisfying, but the guy eventually (after a reasonable period of time) did want to make it 'official' in some way. Would you be willing to?

 

 

I think that the days of marriage being defined as a union of two people in the eyes of the law or in the eyes of God are coming to an end. I mean, in reality, the idea is antiquated and something that at some point, society as a whole will come to abandon.

It seems that way, but people have been saying this about marriage (and religion, and a few other institutions) for awhile and society has consistently indicated that it wants it to remain awhile longer, at least in some form. So I doubt the end is truly near for marriage.

 

 

Personally, I think that marriage is something that should be, well, personal.

Definitely

 

I think the other aspects of 'marriage' (or any permanent relationship) are important, but I certainly think the personal aspect is the most important.

 

 

So why might I personally not want to get married?

 

Well, Kit's reasons are certainly the most inline with my own feelings (of the ones expressed here). I'm simply very happy and satisfied as a single person. I'm very independent person and I have more than enough close friends and social activities to prevent me from feeling lonely (and indeed I'm not very vulnerable to that emotion anyway, even if I am alone alot). I also just don't feel like I need a partner. I do have social, sexual, and affectional needs for other people, but I'm usually very competent at getting those needs met without entering a very serious/permanent relationship. In the meantime I enjoy my life immensely as a single person doing whatever I want whenever I want.

 

On the other hand it would be nice, in theory at least, to have that permanent person around whom I would share a great deal of trust, affection, and history with and who would also be there for those spontaneous desires for companionship, sex, romance, affection, or whatever else. The 'problem', if you want to call it that, would be that since I don't feel I need a partner (at least at this point in my life), I'm only going to be with one if I really want to, if the guy is almost 'perfect' for me. Since no one is really perfect, and since I don't really feel that need, I'm not sure I'll find someone who's close enough to perfect to make me decide to change my already happy, fulfilled life.

 

That said though, I certainly enjoy more casual dating, and 'fun' relationships so I assume that it wouldn't be very difficult for me to 'fall in love' if the right gay came along and bedazzled me. Once I did commit for the long haul it would be for the long haul and I can only imagine initiating a break up with someone I considered 'permanent' in the case of consistent unhappiness, infidelity, or any type of abuse (emotional, physical, psychological).

 

-Kevin

Edited June 29, 2008 by shadowgod
Fixing Kev's Broken Quote Tags

[kitten]

Kevin,

 

It seems like your ideal 'marriage' (e.g. living in separate houses) would be similar to mine.

 

One little, point though... the second quote in your last post was attributed to oldbob, but it was mine... ALL MINE I TELL YA!

 

(Nah, don't worry, I forgive ya... just this once!)

Kit

[Michelle jin]

I don't want to get married because I don't believe I'll be with anyone long enough. I know it sounds hipocritical because I'm young but I get bored easily and have too many internal issues.

 

and why would I spend all that money for a wedding just for memories sake?

 

I can just go to a bar ;p

[AFriendlyFace]

One little, point though... the second quote in your last post was attributed to oldbob, but it was mine... ALL MINE I TELL YA!

 

(Nah, don't worry, I forgive ya... just this once!)

Kit

Grrrr!

 

I undoubtedly copied and pasted the wrong tag the first time. For some odd reason it's not letting me fix it now and worse it seems to have messed up my quoting of Menzo and my initial quoting of Nick. I'll fix the attributions later if I can.

 

My apologies for misattributing the information!

 

-Kevin

[NickolasJames8]

Grrrr!

 

I undoubtedly copied and pasted the wrong tag the first time. For some odd reason it's not letting me fix it now and worse it seems to have messed up my quoting of Menzo and my initial quoting of Nick. I'll fix the attributions later if I can.

 

My apologies for misattributing the information!

-Kevin

 

 

 

Kevin, this is a family website. What you do in the privacy of your house with the information is none of our business

[AFriendlyFace]

 

Kevin, this is a family website. What you do in the privacy of your house with the information is none of our business

 

I can't help my lust for information, but I'll try to refrain from indiscreet discourse

[Menzoberranzen]

Lastly, Menzo, I'd like to ask a question. You said that you were open to the possibility of a permanent relationship. What if one did crop up, and you found it happy and satisfying, but the guy eventually (after a reasonable period of time) did want to make it 'official' in some way. Would you be willing to?

 

I beleive in give and take relationships: you give, and I take.

 

I would consider it, but I would need a compelling reason why his desire for marriage was more important than my desire to remain unmarried. I'm not ruling it out, but I'd say it's unlikely.

 

Menzo

[JamesSavik]

I am open to the idea of staying with someone for life but I avoid politics and fads in my personal life like plague and fire in that order.

[Former Member]

LOL Kevin living in seperate houses... Thats so my Divorce Escape Plan

 

A small part of me wants to marry and a huge part doesn't.

 

Everyone in my family has been divorced. So i'm like "Yep thats gonna be me too".(thats a issue of mine and maybe this man i will marry will help me through that).

 

I don't want some paper telling me i love someone. Unless its a song or something i wrote for them. I dont need this paper saying They are Mine and i am theres. Marriage makes me think that i like BELONG to someone like a Possession. I've had WAY to many controlling boyfriends who wouldnt even let me talk to other guys. Can you imagine if i marry one who is possessive?. Another reason is what if i work my whole life to get this nice house beautiful car etc etc. AND wham they get it all when they leave me id be angry but life would go on. (pre nup! lol) This is also a really dumb reason but i see it WAY to much. The man buys the girl the ring and its like "Will you marry me?" and its a Expensive ring and she really doesnt love him but its like OH YES FOR SURE!. Well im afraid that i'd have to buy this guy some big fancy ring. OR that he's gonna buy me this big fancy ring and that also will be like i belong to him because im wearing his ring. Then a huge part of me couldnt care if it was a Ring from one of them little girly stores for like $1 lol. I dunno if i could deal with all the planning of it. What to wear,whose coming to the wedding,whose in the party, He'd so have to help me with that.