Write action, not history (an example)

[Aleric]

I think I am starting to understand something ...

 

Let me give an example. First, the wrong way to write it.

 

Davy is 14 years old. He has blond hair, blue eyes and is the only child

of his parents. Today, Davy is mad: he was already pestered at school,

first, "Dumb blond!" the other kids yelled at him during lunch break, and

now things didn't work out at home either! He was trying to put back a book

on the bookshelf of his dad, but it was too high. The other books had

expanded a bit and now he couldn't put it back anymore. Agreed, he was

a little small for his age, only 5'2"-- but right now he felt in particular stupid.

Why had he taken out the book before thinking about whether or not

he could put it back again? He was sweating now and if he wanted to

avoid his dad asking nasty questions, he also was going to need time

to take a shower, before it was dinner time!

 

OK, so far. The above *describes* things. It doesn't SHOW anything at all.

Therefore, it's a story alright, but the reader cannot BECOME Davy and BE

there. Here is an attempt of me to write the same thing, but now in terms

that allow a reader to live it through, to experience it.

 

"I am NOT a dumb blond," Davy mumbled to himself, the tip of his tongue

between his teeth, stretching his young body as high as he could, standing

on his toes. But the book didn't want to be put back where it belonged.

He should have thought about it BEFORE he took it from the shelf. It's too

damn high! **If only I was a few inches longer,* Davy thought, but the book

dropped from his hand again and fell with a bang on the floor. Davy froze,

his heart pounding in his ears. Involuntary he looked at the door of the room,

his father could enter the room any time now. Maybe the kids at school

had been right that day when they pushed him around, shouting, "Dumb blond,

Davy is a dumb blond!" Had he been big and strong, like Micheal, instead of

his lousy 5'2", then they wouldn't have teased him. Davy picked up the book,

to try it again. He started to sweat, his shirt was sticking to his back.

Thank God he didn't smell, not at 14 years old, but the salty perspiration on

his face was mixing with the dried up dirt in his hair that the kids at school

had rubbed into it during lunch break. Even if he could put the book back

the next minute, his dad was going to ask what he had been doing, where

he had been. "Go to your room and wash that ugly face of yours," he'd yell.

Davy's stomach rumbled. No, he wasn't going to miss dinner AGAIN. He was

going to make it, this time.

 

Well.. it isn't perfect of course, I just shook it out of my sleeve. But I think

the general idea is clear

 

I'd like to propose to exchange some practical things in this forum on this

topic as follows: Someone posts a 'telling paragraph' and others then rewrite

that paragraph in a way that it gives the same information, but in a form

that allows a reader to actually live through it, more then just digest it.

 

I think everyone might learn something by seeing different

versions of the same text, written by different authors.

 

Aleric

[DomLuka]

Interesting concept... I used yours:

 

 

Stupid. That