20 worst Metaphors for suspense and romance novels

[JamesSavik]

 

20 Worst Metaphors found in suspense Novels

 

 

#20 Worn down at the edges like a Times Square hooker, the caretaker's last tooth lay on the floor like a yellow Chiclet.

 

#19 When she stepped out of her dress, she had the body of a 90-year-old nun, if the nun looked as young, attractive, and sexy as the dame standing in front of me.

 

#18 The situation had become topsy-turvy -- like Christmas in the summer, if you're in Australia.

 

#17 The information imbedded on the stolen computer chip was like an explosive so explosive it could explode, creating a massive explosion.

 

#16 As I watched through the slatted shades, her bosom bounce like her suspicious husband's first check.

 

#15 The killer was a misplaced comma in the jaunty, happy sentence that made up the party crowd.

 

#14 His face looked like an ice sculpture. Not one of those pretty ones in the middle of a cruise ship buffet, but the kind they do in a contest with a chainsaw -- and it had been out in the heat too long.

 

#13 Like any family, this house had its secrets, secrets it grimly refused to reveal, and would continue to refuse to reveal even if it could speak, which unlike a family, or at least most members of most families, it couldn't.

 

#12 The air of danger perversely made Nina's nipples harden, like that Magic Shell stuff on a bowl of ice cream.

 

#11 From his vantage point in the balcony, the would-be assassin looked down on the debating candidates like a webhead looking down on an AOL user.

 

#10 The sudden darkness made the Countess tense, like Bobby Jerome that time with the bicycle in 7th grade, remember?

 

#9 There was something funny about the kidnapping crime scene that Special Agent Frievald couldn't quite place, and the thought stuck with him throughout the rest of the day, like those tiny little bits of the circumferent skin from the bologna slices on a foot-long Subway Cold Cut Trio that get stuck in between the last two molars on the upper left, on the tongue side where you can't possibly reach them with a toothpick, your fingernails, or even a systematically straightened paper clip, they just sit there and make everything you eat at your next meal taste vaguely like vinegar and mayonnaise, and then somehow -- quietly but miraculously -- they disappear by themselves in the middle of the night while you're asleep, just like the visiting Countess appeared to have done.

 

#8 Her parting words lingered heavily inside me like last night's Taco Bell.

 

#7 The bullet burned Gilmore's gut like the first piss after a long night in a Singapore brothel.

 

#6 A single drop of sweat slowly inched down Chad's brow -- a tiny, glistening Times Square New Year's Eve Ball of desperation.

 

#5 His .38 barked fire, like John Goodman's butt after a chili cookoff.

 

#4 Her blazing eyes dance like Astaire and Rogers, but since they were crossed, it was an ocular tango, and my eyes had to foxtrot just to maintain eye contact.

 

#3 She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy.

 

#2 The neon sign reflected off his gun, like the moonlight reflects off my brother-in-law's bald head after a night of beer drinking and cow-tipping.

 

and the Number 1 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphor or Simile...

 

#1 Unable to contain his rage, he burst like a pimple of emotion,

 

 

20 worst Metaphors found in romance novels

 

#20 His body was hard, not hard like Milosevic, the Serbian strongman, but hard like the marble on your shower floor, when you fall and bang your knee.

 

#19 Her shoulders heaved like the tiny sobs of Snuggles the cat being run through with a roasting spit.

 

#18 Her embrace made his manhood swell like week old road-kill on hot asphalt in the Georgia sun.

 

#17 Her petticoats dropped to the ground, rustling like a cockroach in a sugar bowl.

 

#16 As she kissed her way down his manly chest, he felt his Amalgamated Crane Company stock increasing in value.

 

#15 Beatrice was on him like a piranha on a corn dog.

 

#14 ...then he kissed her, like a butterfly kisses the windshield of a Porsche on the Autobahn.

 

#13 Her breasts heaved like a stormy ocean, and her pointed nipples were like hypodermics washed up on the shore.

 

#12 With his broad shoulders and slim waist, he was a yield sign -- yet she could NOT!

 

#11 He tore open her blouse like a Publisher's Clearing House letter in which he, and some guy named Steven Bouber from Stockton, California, were potential finalists for the ten million dollar prize.

 

#10 His manhood stood at full attention, stiff and stony like the vice president.

 

#9 Sleekly malevolent, driven by a violent hunger, Donovan glided through the chum-filled waters of the singles bar, oblivious to the remora of Annabelle's adoring gaze.

 

#8 Like the wind, she ran, her breasts lurching like a motor boat over a wake, and then, as fluid as a fine imported transmission, she whipped out her man-organ and pissed away his dreams.

 

#7 Her sun-glazed back formed a golden arch as he moved his face toward her happy meal.

 

#6 With each breath, her chest heaved like a bulimic after Thanksgiving dinner.

 

#5 He Beatty-ed her shamelessly, making her squeal like Ned and hallucinate like Warren.

 

#4 He awoke my slumbering womanhood with his double tall loin latte. "Starbuck!" I cried.

 

#3 His chest was her pillow, and oh, did she drool.

 

#2 Claire felt swept away by this dark stranger, a helpless dust bunny in the roaring cacophony of his gas-powered leaf blower.

 

#1 His finger, weathered and rough from years on the ranch, danced in and out of his nose like a slimy ballerina.

[gardentuber]

You are a bad man... very, very bad, Mr. Savik!

 

I liked the butterfly on the windshield of life, however!

[John Doe]

heh where do you even find all these things... haha

[Fishwings]

These are TERRIFIC metaphors, what are you talking about? Mang I've never laughed harder.

 

Titles to these particular books?

[Drak]

"Is this sodomy?" asked John, half in Ernest.

 

That is a Tom Swifty rather than a metaphor, but is in a similar vein. I wish I could remember some more, but that one I will never forget.

[Skylights]

#1 is too funny. I'm still laughing. Thanks for that.

[gabrielsknife]

I love that "piranha on a corn-dog" one! Where did you find all these? The run-on sentences just blinded me lol!