Things You Always Wanted to Ask

[rknapp]

Graeme has personal experience with this.

 

Personally, I think it's unfair to her, to you, and to any potential children. BUT, that depends on how important sex is to you. Personally, I feel that sexuality is base largely on, well, sex. With other people (not just your hand!). If indeed you are gay, you might find it quite difficult to have sex with your wife and pleasure her. You might get away with picturing George Clooney in her place, but for how long? Otherwise, the deep emotional connection is the real thing to consider if you want to have a successful relationship with another person (regardless of what may or may not be swinging between their legs), provided sexual pleasure is unimportant for you both. If you find a stunning connection with a woman and neither of you is too interested in sex beyond its reproductive consequence, then I see no reason for why you two couldn't be happy. On the plus side, you'll be less likely to scar the kids for life by walking on you and she doing the nasty.

[Graeme]

umm... hard question to ask but here goes: if i feel like i'm gay, is it unfair to my wife if i want to have a wife and kids? this has been a problem that i've toiled over this but i thought since there is this thread, and that i've come to somewhat trust you guys i thought why not ask it here and see what people think. the thing is that i've never been in a relationship with a guy, and when i think about having a relationship with a guy (usually a specific guy i like but pretty sure he's straight), i get that "feeling"; like that feeling that you could be seriously happy with this person, and i, i cant use the word never because i never really know, but i rarely feel this way towards another female. BUT, if i do feel this way towards a female and end up having a life together, i'm almost certain my sexually would flip off and i would turn straight; meaning that i would still be attracted to men, while married to my wife. my question is, is it fair to her?

 

If most of you guys are going to say i'm still young, and i cant disagree, but i dont think it's wrong of me to want to look ahead and have a plan or at least a good mind set of my future relationship wise.

Thank you for asking the question. I'm in this situation, as Robbie stated. I'm gay, and I'm married.

 

A few years ago I wrote an essay for the guys over at The Mail Crew on this subject:

 

http://www.themailcrew.com/graeme.html

 

Have a read, and if you've any questions, please feel free to PM or email me

[Nephylim]

I can't understand what the problem is really. What you are saying is that if you fall in love with someone, get married and have children, would it be fair to her if you what? looked at other people? Fancied other people? Slept with other people? What does being gay have to do with it. Besides... if you fell in love with a woman you wouldn't be gay you would be bisexual. I'm bisexual and when I was married sure I looked at other women but whilst I was in love with my husband I would never have cheated on him with another man or woman. If I had cheated on him do you think it would have mattered whether it was with a man or a woman.

 

And anyway all of this would be avoided if you were honest in the first place.

[AverageCollegeGuy]

i'd like to give a special thanks to Graeme for writing that article. it was very enlightening, but like you said, it's all very situational, and perhaps i could talk over some things with you via email? To be honest, i was a little disappointed when you advised those that a certain of their homosexuality NOT to marry to the opposite sex, but I'm with Nephylim, i truly believe that if two people are honest with each other, there is a possibility of a successful long lived marriage. And while both of you guys (Nephylim and Graeme) are here, both married, i want to ask do you guys think that maybe the situation is different depending on if your male GLBT versus female GLBT. personally i think it has a large part in psychological decisions.

[Graeme]

I can't understand what the problem is really. What you are saying is that if you fall in love with someone, get married and have children, would it be fair to her if you what? looked at other people? Fancied other people? Slept with other people? What does being gay have to do with it. Besides... if you fell in love with a woman you wouldn't be gay you would be bisexual. I'm bisexual and when I was married sure I looked at other women but whilst I was in love with my husband I would never have cheated on him with another man or woman. If I had cheated on him do you think it would have mattered whether it was with a man or a woman.

 

And anyway all of this would be avoided if you were honest in the first place.

1. I agree that honesty upfront changes the situation. Most of the pain I inflicted on my wife was due to her not understanding before we got married that I'm attracted to guys. Unfortunately, I was deep in the closet at the time and while I made an attempt to tell her in a roundabout way, she misunderstood and I didn't realise she misunderstood.

 

2. But I disagree that it's the same as looking at other people. If I were straight, my wife would be the same gender as any competition. There is nothing that the 'competition' could offer that she couldn't compete with. But how can she compete if it's a dick I want? The psychology is very different. She can't give me what I want. It was only when we both sat down and discussed it and the options did we have a chance to save our marriage. From anecdotal stories and statistics, a lot of marriages in my situation (where a partner comes out AFTER they're married), either the straight partner isn't interested in discussing it, or they are unable to come to a mutually acceptable compromise. To be honest, I'd love to have a boyfriend, but that's unacceptable to my wife, so I don't and I won't. That's part of the compromise I made to keep our marriage together.

 

So, yes, honesty is the key. If both parties can be honest, and as this is a fundamental part of the institution of marriage they have to be brutal honest, then I think it can work. The question is whether both parties are capable of that level of honesty before they get married.

 

i'd like to give a special thanks to Graeme for writing that article. it was very enlightening, but like you said, it's all very situational, and perhaps i could talk over some things with you via email? To be honest, i was a little disappointed when you advised those that a certain of their homosexuality NOT to marry to the opposite sex, but I'm with Nephylim, i truly believe that if two people are honest with each other, there is a possibility of a successful long lived marriage. And while both of you guys (Nephylim and Graeme) are here, both married, i want to ask do you guys think that maybe the situation is different depending on if your male GLBT versus female GLBT. personally i think it has a large part in psychological decisions.

I agree with it's situational. And, yes, you're free to discuss things in more detail via email. I'm happy to be very honest and open about details if it helps you. All I'll keep back is information that could identify me.

 

Psychologically, yes there are differences between males and females, but there are also differences within each gender. Any general statement will always have exceptions. But in this case I think it's the general attitude (probably driven by society) on promiscuity, and on the general level of sex drive. Society expects females to be more monogamous than males. Just think how it's generally perceived. A male is considered to be a stud if he's had lots of partners. A female is considered to be a slut. So, society encourages males to be promiscuous (up to the point of marriage) while it discourages females. After marriage, the male is supposed to have his sex drive fulfilled by his wife (and there's a societal 'understanding' that if that doesn't happen, it's 'almost okay' for his to look outside of his marriage to get that done). But what if his wife can't because she's the wrong sex? That's the pressure that can build up on a gay male in a straight marriage and society doesn't understand it.

 

I can't comment on whether that pressure builds up on a gay female in a straight marriage, or how the sex drive pressure works with females. I am... shall we say... not qualified to answer that