Big Corporations in Financial Problems.

[old bob]

A lot of big companies are suffering from the financial crisis and are obliged to introduce staff retrenchment.

As a management consultant, I had to advise one of them how to deal with their personnel.

 

I found on the net following example of a letter from the management to introduce the retrenchment :

 

Dear Staff,

 

Due to the current financial situation, Management has decided to implement

a scheme to put workers above 40 years of age on early retirement.

 

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

 

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the

SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

 

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW

scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once,

SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

 

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for

Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early

Severance).

 

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any

further by management. Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special

High Intensity Training) as possible.

 

Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives

employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring

to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

 

Sincerely,

 

The Management

 

Obviously, I wasnt sure that it would be wise to use this model. What do you think ? Could you advise me ?

[Kev de Cauchery]

This is hilarious, Bob. Nice one. Brightens my day.

[Hamen Cheese]

Haha. Nice. Thanks for posting!