Depression

[Mark92]

Thanks Joe back atcha

It's still with me today, I dont know maybe something will just click into place and I will be up again. And Its not really that i'm down, more I cant be arsed. I'm happy enough I guess.

Lukey and Baz are big enough and ugly enough to look after themselves LOL. They get plenty from me.

Anyways take care peoples

[Toast]

Dear Mark,

I should of given you this yesterday... Big Hug and a ♥

[Mark92]

Awwww thank you so much Bugsy

Nice to see a fresh face here too. You're very welcome to say something that might inspire or help us here

Thanks again Bugsy

[Roan]

Hey All.

 

Mark, this is for you.

 

 

and there is an infinite supply where that came from.

 

I have been really bad recently, probably the worst for several years, but I'm slowy coming out of it. Got to the point of just being curled up in a semi-comatose ball for a bit, and its frightening because I didnt know where it would end up. It really is hard to go through the peaks and troughs, to endure the worried stares, the "oh no not again", and the embarassment of succumbing again to the old demons.

 

I am coming to realise though that ths may be the path it takes for a while, and Im getting used ot that idea and what it means. I'm also getting used to the idea that its ok to talk about it, to ask for help, and to admit where you are at. It makes it a lot easier when you can see it as part of a process leading, albeit hesitantly at times, back to better places, rather than only being able to see the darkness of the here and now.

 

I've also come to realise how much being part of ths community has helped me reach that point. I dont feel so alone - I know that plenty like me are going through similar things, and many here like you Mark have the courage to talk about it. That is just pricless - physical isolation can sometimes be what you need when things are tough, but emotional isolation is not so good. I used to do it because I was ashamed, embarassed an afraid. I dont now because I know the people here, like you Mike, like Joe, and many others, have the courage to tell your story, to get through it, and to give love in return, and even when Im feeling apathetic there is that tangible thread of support always there.

 

So for what its worth Mark, you have made a difference 10,000 nautical miles away without ever leaving the Moors. And thats whether you are feeling as bouncy as a lamb or as apathetic as anything - its just because of who you are. Youll be right soon enough, and meantime if you have to power down for a bit, well you maybe need to give yourself a break. We'll be there no matter what.

 

Roan

[JOeKEool]

THOUGH WOUNDED

THOUGH HURT

THOUGH SCARRED IS HE

 

THE BEAUTIFUL COLT

SPEAKS ELOQUENTLY

[Mark92]

Hey Folks a little better today.

I've been out to my woods and made sure the wildlife is all ok. And just sitting on a log thinking about absolutely nothing seemed to help.

I talk about my woe's easily now Roan, it was hard at first. But the more you tell it, the easier it gets.

There is still a lot inside that hasnt come out yet. And the more I tell, the bits come forward for their turn.

 

There is some parts I guess I will never reveal, and a lot I will never remember. But as they come forward, I will set them free, to unclog my head somewhat.

With Stuby doing more and more classes at Uni, and more homework to do when he gets home. I find myself with more and more time, to do nothing.

I need a distracting hobby. Away from the PC, But what? I have no idea.

 

Hugs to all .

[acht-acht]

First, a Hi to Bee. I worry a little about you. What happened with your internet friend? Was it really so bad what you did?

I also wondered wether it would help you at all to be diagnosed with Asperger - it´s not like they can give you a pill and cure you, which is maybe what you´re wishing for. But knowing might help you to understand yourself and other people to understand you.

I have a very dear friend with Asperger. I didn´t know of his condition when we met, but he for sure never was "normal" - he´s a musician and absolutely maniacal on stage (and everywhere else he´s performing), he´s insanely good with maths and language (uncommon combination), very witty, he´s a good football (soccer) player and very astute in reading football matches and analyzing teams, a social skill that will take you a long way here in Europe. He has a lot of tiny hang ups and everyday-life-handicaps I only picked up on when I knew him a while, like, he can´t, really can´t, talk about things he doesn´t want to talk about, not right away at least ... he works day and night (computer maintenance) but doesn´t get around to billing people, so he´s totally broke at times while people owe him 10 000 euros, he can´t let go of things hence the crazy hours of work he puts in .. he drinks like a fish and it doesn´t ever seem to affect him ... that´s only the superficial stuff. There´s other things, but I just meant to say that in spite of his difficulties he´s kind of successful as a person, at least I think so. It´s cool to know him. He has a lot of friends, and a "normal" girlfriend who´s much more crazy and annoying that he is. But I have to say that we´re all not exactly normal, whatever that is - at least none of us are capable of leading regular nine to five lives. Other than that, we do okay, mostly. I know most parents want different things for their kids, maybe bigger, or "safer" ... In our family, my sister was the only one who decided a suburban life with kids and a husband with well-paying job was exactly the thing for her, me and my brother are just dropouts who came around.

What I meant to say is just - I think a person with Asperger can function pretty well and have a happy/ interesting life, just maybe not a very conventional one. But is that so bad?

[Zolia Lily]

I hope you're ok too, Bee...

and Acht-Acht, as i wrote in a recent story, i think "normal" is highly overrated....

 

As for hobbies... hmm. You've got baking covered, and i'm guessing veggie plot is probably done too....

 

Have you thought of perhaps choosing something that you might get satisfaction out of the outcome, rather than of the doing? Not to say choose something to do like strip and paint your whole house, but say, something you got something out of, even if it was tricky at times? Maybe an online course, or building or making something? Buy a book on how to draw / paint and have a go? LEGO!? Photography? Ok, so maybe i'm struggling here... but... i'm sure if we try we can find something

 

What does everyone else do to take their mind of things / keep busy / for sheer enjoyment? And maybe we should try and get away from the reading / writing thing... not that we don't love it And what might you LIKE to do?

 

(I just like to know stuff curious.)

[Mark92]

Hey guys

I whittle wood, like make things and stuff I have several canes as in walking canes. I suppose I could easily fashion the other kind too

I made my own animal pens. I am just starting to become a cat breeder. But thats more in the paperwork and showing stage. I cant breed Xyla until she is at least champion. But she is on her way, becoming second best kitten in her first showing. She's small yet.

Noah is neutered, so he's not up to the job. But the breeder where I got them from is the top breeder in the country for that breed. And their pedigree's are awesome.

If I need a lot of something, thats made of wood or metal or leather, stuff I can take to bits and make my own versions. I'm doing naughty toys right now

So keeping myself busy has always been good until recently. When everything started with a heavy sigh followed by a "I cant be arsed." Did some writing today, first time in a couple of weeks, so I'm getting back on top of it all. hugs all round

[rustle]

The good thing about being bipolar is knowing that good times come back around.

[Zolia Lily]

I'm with you there, Rustle!

 

Everything always gets better. One of my favourite expressions is one that (or so i read somewhere i can't remember) was inscribed on a ring worn by a powerful leader in the ancient middle east. It read "this too will pass". It was to remind him that bad times wouldn't last, but also to warn him that being king / emperor was also not forever. I like it, because it holds the message that everything in life is transient. If today is a bad day, tomorrow might be better. If not tomorrow, maybe the next day. By the same token, rather than it telling me when i'm happy that one day i'll be sad again, i like to see it as reminding me to make the most of things.

 

You are a bit of an inspiration, Mark! HUGS!

[JOeKEool]

HI Roan. You are so right. It is all part of the process. I would force myself to stay depressed.TRY to be depressed. I was so afraid of these manic highs.

I now find I can face the hard truths I hid from for so long. I still get into that dark place. I am not afraid to fight my way out. I do find i am now fearful of going into those depressions. I have made peace with this manic side now. I will fight to stay here.

 

Hey Mark. I don't know if you are in a depression or just a little off-your-feed for a while. It is part of you. Part of your process. You will get past it and learn from it. And I am curious (and maybe too imaginitive) about those naughty toys.

 

Hi Clara.HI Bee. We all worry about Bee, I think. What I like, Bee is that you always say what you think. Most of us can't really do that. You feel pain but you express it. I know how important that is.To get it out.

 

Hi Rustle. When we learn how to allow it to get better it sure does. Good to see you here. Hope you can add more insight.

 

Hi Lily. Hobbies are good to have. I lost interest in all my joys over the last long bout of depression. I have to find it again. My guitar is waiting.(Tuned and ready thanks to Mike).I wiill pick it up again. I love to swim but am insecure now with wieght I've gained. I am getting out with friends. I tend to be a hermit. One step at a time,right.

 

And YES, Mark is an inspiration. And to many people here. Many, many people. We got your back,dude!! Just work thru' it.

[Mark92]

Awwww thanks guys I really am just me LOL

I did tons of writng yesterday. So things are on the up again.

My dark side as I call it. Twists things round until it can say them back to me in a nasty way. It's hard to explain.

I have had several offers for this place. Usually they go straight in the bin. But sometimes I day dream of what I could do with all that money. I'm not short now, but that much? And then I think about what I DO really haver here. And more importantly what I would do without it.

This is what I know, work and home life.

 

The toys Joe restraints, cuffs, wooden dildo's, stuff like that. Restraints and cuffs are really expensive and can be easily made. And the wooden dildo's? well who likes plastic. And anyway i'm recycling

Hugs to everyone

[Former Member]

And the wooden dildo's?

 

But but but

Aren't there splinters

 

Markey

[Mark92]

Hahahaha no no splinters Tob, sanded until they are as smooth as silk, and then a long soaking in special oil to make them completely waterprrof and safe.

[Y_B]

I've been feeling a little off lately but wouldn't say it's anything too bad. Most of the time whenever I get into this weird mood, I feel like it's just me complaining and I hate to be a complainer, so realizing it either gets to me shake it off and cheer up or I just end up feeling guilty about feeling bad. Gah...prolly makes no sense.

 

I think I'm experiencing a quarter-life crisis.

 

You know how even if you were a big shot in high school, when you get to college all of the sudden you no more special than the next guy? I had completely overlooked that this could happen again and it did happen again. Corporate America is like a 12 inch dildo that's been forcefully shoved up your ass. Where the hell is my "RA" to lube me up??? Plus this whole suit and tie thing is like a friggin uniform and I don't get to bedazzle.

 

Wah wah I know I know.

[rustle]

I've been feeling a little off lately but wouldn't say it's anything too bad. Most of the time whenever I get into this weird mood, I feel like it's just me complaining and I hate to be a complainer, so realizing it either gets to me shake it off and cheer up or I just end up feeling guilty about feeling bad. Gah...prolly makes no sense.

 

I think I'm experiencing a quarter-life crisis.

 

You know how even if you were a big shot in high school, when you get to college all of the sudden you no more special than the next guy? I had completely overlooked that this could happen again and it did happen again. Corporate America is like a 12 inch dildo that's been forcefully shoved up your ass. Where the hell is my "RA" to lube me up??? Plus this whole suit and tie thing is like a friggin uniform and I don't get to bedazzle.

 

Wah wah I know I know.

 

Welcome to reality, Yang. You'll grow into it, and maybe out of it, but for now, SWIM!

[Mark92]

Awww Y_B I dont look at it as complaining. What I actually do now is come here and have a rant or moan if I need one.. Everyone in this thread has those days. Probably most of GA does in some shape or form.

Rant and rave as much as you like here. W_B . Thats what its for. Someone will always reply with a shoulder or a kind word or just to say. Get off your arse and do something about it.

I never did the whole school thing, but you can bet someone here has been, there done that. You are in good company here W_B. And there is always a hug

[Mark92]

Thanks Rustle It's always good to have someone more experienced to give a kind word, or support.

[comicfan]

Well I think anyone goes through those spots, some more than others. I've got family that is bi polar. The highs are frightening and so are the lows. For some medication is the cure, others it is how they eat and handle day to day. But most of us, have to handle day to day. I know I hit the skids the other day and just wanted to curl up. It is hard to put yourself out there and harder still to be refused when you finally do. However life goes on.

 

Mark - Writing and hobbies are ways of coping. Just don't hide and allow yourself to wallow too long. You know i'll find you and lord knows what I might send you to make you smile!

 

Roan - Any problem you can share lightens the load. Face it, most of us at one point or another hid in the closet afraid of monsters as a child. We had to learn to share our fears and problems and find new ways to handle them other than hoping a light and a parent would rescue us. One thing about GA is there are enough of us at all different ages, and who have been through so many different things that there isn't much that can be discussed that someone can't relate to. We might not all be able to help but you won't often have to look far to find a willing shoulder if you need to cry.

 

Rustle - Wisdom is always a good thing and glad to see you add your voice.

 

YB - You would bedazzle a suit? No matter what happens you always find yourself the small fish in someone else's pond. The thing you learn is not to worry about trying to please others, but doing what makes your life worth living.

 

Joe - We all deal with things and the darkness is a place many of us visit. Some due to bi-polar, others due to depression. The thing is we all need to keep fighting for the hope of something better.

[rustle]

Thanks Rustle It's always good to have someone more experienced to give a kind word, or support.

 

Thanks for saying experienced, instead of old. When you realize things always change, it gets easier to deal with the here-and-now.

 

If you or anyone on this site ever feels the need, I hope you will reach out. If a forum is too public, send a PM. I try not to butt in, but I'll always answer.

[JOeKEool]

Hey everyone. I like to see it busy in here.

 

Mark. So glad you are writing. Even a little gets the cogs turning and grinding up those demons. Your toys sound like fun. I hate plastic.Not just toys. It pervades every facet of life now. Save the world with wooden dildos!!!

 

Hi Tob.Eine weitere neue Stimme hier. Willkommen!!(Thats Google,not me)I hope you enjoy it here.

 

Hello Y_B. Welcome. This is THE place to complain. We all do it when need be. I don't envy you having to deal with the Corp. world. Corp. America will bring down mankind before plastic gets the chance. Take some wooden dildos to the office??

 

Rustle, it is good to have your experience available. We all learn a different lesson in life somewhat. I use a go with the flow approach now. I hope Y_B is a swimmer.

 

Comic. You always know what to say. Thanks for sharing. We all get those off days don't we. I keep looking ahead now. Don't want to wallow,for sure. And a good hard cry is never off the table for me. Seems to help when that's all you have left.

I am trying to GO to the darkness of my depressions while I am NOT depressed. I want to find those feelings and fears and shed some light on them. They have a way of hiding though.

[Y_B]

Y'all are awesome. A round of drinks on me

 

Joek, I actually was .

 

I'm not worried about dealing with reality. We all got to eventually. I just don't like being out of my comfort zone and away from all my peers.

[W_L]

I've had my own share of depressing moments,

 

You know as a kid, I wanted to be a doctor to help people and maybe create medicines to save the world or something. Today, I'm an accountant, who tell doctors to do the opposite. It's like every thing I do in my life just ends up being opposite of what I had wanted it to be. I'm not rich, but hell, I ain't poor either.

 

I haven't been out on date in a almost a year, and let me just say that I am frustrated beyond belief. No matter how well you do in life in terms of career, what you want is some one by your side to give you purpose and reason for doing it.

 

I don't even know why I go to work every day, I don't know why I do what I do except to fix this mess or make sure everyone gets paid on time. It's like I'm running on auto-pilot and there's no direction for me to go to.

 

Yesterday, I went into my annual physical and my doctor gave me the bad news that I had gained 40 lbs in 8 months, I knew I got chubbier, but I didn't know it was that bad. He asked about my stress level and I told him about some stuff I deal with at work and my eating habits. I'll get a nutritionist and probably need to figure out some way to get my stress factors under control.

 

I don't know if I am suffering from depression or not, but I just feel lost. While I give everyone else help and advice, I wish some one would give me some.

 

Why do I need to do this? Why am I trapped in a world that is based around so much sadness? Why do I need to care, when all logic should be that I just give in?

 

Well that's my rant

[rustle]

Y'all are awesome. A round of drinks on me

 

Joek, I actually was .

 

I'm not worried about dealing with reality. We all got to eventually. I just don't like being out of my comfort zone and away from all my peers.

 

Damn! I just washed out my shot glass!

 

Just gotta make yerself a new comfort zone, Yang, and you've got a new set of peers. This move was a life change you could've put off, but you're ready for it.