Dating Advice/ Friend Zone Question

[rainyday]

Hey everyone, I haven't been active on these forums for quite some time. Now that I've finished grad school I actually have free time so you might see me around more often. So I met this guy online about a week ago. We exchanged over 100+ messages on the dating site for the first few days. Then I asked him out on like day 3, and gave him my phone number. We then pretty much texted constantly up until the date (actually even sexted the night before the date, no photos or anything just flirting), and exchanged two phone calls. So I knew a fair amount about him before the first date. We have many things in common (and I'm talking like creepily coincidental things, for instance our birthdays are a day apart and we were both born prematurely) and have similar personalities. Neither of us has had sex yet (For me this is b/c there's not a very big gay population here and haven't found anyone I've wanted to have sex with, for him he's just new to gay dating). I'm 23, he's 21. He's much younger than me in terms of gay years, he's still not out to his parents yet and had a girlfriend until like a year and a half ago. Went out on our first date and about halfway through the date, he tells me he's been thinking about it and he's not ready for a relationship. He told me he needs to get more comfortable with himself, and doesn't think it be fair to me to date right now, but still wants to be friends. He did tell me I would be at the top of his list when he was ready to date (said that he'd have to see how it goes this summer). I do feel he was being sincere about this since after our date he changed his online profile to reflect that he was just looking for new friends and not a date. The date itself was actually probably the most enjoyable first date I've been on despite him telling me he just wanted to be friends. There were only a few awkward silences and it lasted for about 3 hours (longer than previous first dates I've been on). He strikes me as someone that is still trying to figure out who he is. I did tell him that I would be willing to be friends since he's someone I'd like to get to know even as a friend. He told me he felt like the worst person ever for doing that to me, and said that we'd just have to see what happened between us. He also invited me to a party at his house next weekend.  So my question is, what would you all do in this situation? Have I been friend zoned forever, or is their hope for something more? Am I wasting my time? Keep in mind, I don't mind being just friends, but in terms of compatibility I feel like this is someone I could see myself in a relationship with (at least based on what I know about him now). We probably have more in common than anyone else I've dated. I guess I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this guy. 

[comicfan]

It sounds as if he has been pretty open and upfront with his situation. He doesn't want to tie you down when he isn't sure what he wants. Keep him as a friend, don't expect more and keep your options open. If the opportunity for another chance comes round then be happy, but if not don't waste your time waiting.

[Thorn Wilde]

I second comicfan. And considering that this guy isn't yet out to his family and needs to figure stuff out, he probably needs your support and your friendship. Talk, hang out, get to know each other. Just don't wait by the phone.

[scotty94]

I agree with both of them comments but just give it some time and hopefully coach him through some problems he may have, and always be available if he need to talk keep him as a close friend and maybe in the future your relationship may blossom and form in to something stronger more meaningful and special.

[Myk]

It's quite possible that dating you is the first gay thing he has ever done. It's possible he just needs to take things one step at a time and it could develop into something. On the other hand he has been open and honest and given his situation may have just saved you from being lead on as he tries to figure things out. Hard to say because you don't even know him yet.

 

you said friends are good, so stick with that and just see what happens.

[rainyday]

Thanks for the advice everyone. To update you, we've texted back and forth a few times since then, but haven't had very long conversations. Last night I texted him to ask how he was doing, but he didn't respond for a while and then when he did said he had to go. I also noticed he changed his online profile back to being interested in dating. So I'm assuming he's either really busy, not interested, or just has no idea what he wants. It is kind of odd though since after our date he told me he felt horrible about just wanting to be friends, and had a fun time on the date. Maybe he lied, didn't get that vibe though.  However, I could be reading way too much into things like I tend to do. 

[Thorn Wilde]

Thanks for the advice everyone. To update you, we've texted back and forth a few times since then, but haven't had very long conversations. Last night I texted him to ask how he was doing, but he didn't respond for a while and then when he did said he had to go. I also noticed he changed his online profile back to being interested in dating. So I'm assuming he's either really busy, not interested, or just has no idea what he wants. It is kind of odd though since after our date he told me he felt horrible about just wanting to be friends, and had a fun time on the date. Maybe he lied, didn't get that vibe though.  However, I could be reading way too much into things like I tend to do. 

 

How about asking if he wants to hang out? Not for a date, just to go see a movie as friends or something. Then maybe you can get a better feel for what's going on.

[MikeL]

I like Thorn's suggestion, Will.  You have to admit texting is sort of shallow; face to face is much better.

[Sasha Distan]

Thorn speaks with wisdom. give him time and be his friend. you might be the only 'out' friend he has. i sort of doubt that you guys will get to be cutsy in love, but that may not be a bad thing. it's nice to have a friend 

 

keep your options open bub, don't pass up the right guy when he comes your way.

[rainyday]

Thanks everyone. Well I texted him about the party tonight, and he didn't respond. Also called got his voicemail. I basically just said I guess somethings changed and your ignoring me or you didn't get my text, maybe I'm being too needy, but I do genuinely want to get to know you better. So we will see what happens with that. My guess is maybe he didn't enjoy me as much as I thought he did, but didn't have the guts to say it. I sure wish people could be mature about shit and just tell me what the problem is instead of just ignoring me. 

[Thorn Wilde]

I wouldn't take it too hard when people don't respond to texts right away... I texted my three best friends today to see if they wanted to hang out. One had left her phone in the car, the second responded about four hours later and the third still hasn't replied. Some people are just not very good with phones.

[Y_B]

Read my blog

 

https://www.gayauthors.org/forums/blog/241/entry-13557-needy-people-suck/

 

My advice to you if your friend is anything like me - take things easy and don't ever press the matter. You can have a billion different ways to interact with people without tying some kinda knot with them for it to be enjoyable. If you and someone are really that good for each other, the kinda exclusivity you want in "a relationship" will naturally come.

Edited June 2, 2013 by Y_B

[Henry_Henry2012]

I'll quote my favorite lines in a movie to better explicate this situation for you.

 

The stages of a relationship can be defined by farting.

Stage 1 is the conspiracy of silence. This is a fantasy period where both parties pretend that they have no bodily waste. This illusion is very quickly shattered by that first shy 'ooh did you fart?' followed by the sheepish admission of truth. This heralds a period of deeper intimacy, a period I like to call the "fart honeymoon", where both parties find each other's gas just the cutest thing in the world. But of course no honeymoon can last forever. And so we reach the critical fork in the fart. Either the fart loses its power to amuse and embarrass, thereby signifying true love or else, it begins to annoy and disgust, thereby symbolizing all that is blocked and rancid in the formly beloved.

 

In other words, there's no point in being friend zoned and expecting that a relationship will spark in the future. You have to be frank and honest with him if he likes you or there's a possibility inkling somewhere. I cannot make assumptions that he's attracted to you for him to say that he will like you. And I cannot make theories that he will like you because there's so much in common between the two of you.

 

Ask, and you shall receive. But don't text barrage him for 50 times with a text that says, "DO YOU LIKE ME? TELL ME NOW SO I CAN MOVE ON! PLEASE, I BEG YOU!" in all caps.

 

Or else, you might have a restraining order delivered on your door step. And the next time you see him, it will have a 500 meter restriction for you.

[Mark Arbour]

Things were going well then you met this guy, and he cooled off considerably.  Everyone else who's talked about how he's probably grappling with coming out may be right, but there's a chance the chemistry just wasn't there, and he didn't feel it.  That's not to say you're not attractive, just not attractive to him. 

Regardless, it sounds like you've expended enough effort pursuing him while he hasn't shown any real interest (doesn't respond right away, and when he does, it's more or less to placate you). 

 

So if you want my opinion, it sounds like he's just not into you.  Best thing to do is to ignore him, IMHO.  If he is into you, let him make the moves for a change.  If not, you need to move on anyway.

[MikeL]

He also invited me to a party at his house next weekend.

 

Now you are obligated to tell us about the party.  Did you attend?  Surely you did, there were people there...potential new friends.  Whom did you meet?

[Kitt]

Maybe I am old fashioned but I think you can't truly love someone you don't really like.  That being said I feel that all relationships should start off as friendships and allowed to grow into what nature meant it to be,  Starting at sex and then letting it evolve to love or devolve to whatever seems to be starting in the middle of things to me,  Like a fine recipe in the kitchen - gotta start at the beginning.