need some help

[CoLeYy]

well.. hii im nicole. nd im 16. im bisexual nd i have a girlfriend. i want to tell my parents that im bi. but i am terrified of the outcome.i have 2 gay cousins and nobody seems to mind. but since im the child i think they are going to flip. i dont want to hide it anymore. any tips ??

[Howie]

hi nicole

 

i think you're asking the wrong people if you want to hear "don't tell them! live a lie your whole life!"

 

basically i regard your situation as a normal part of growing up. everybody realises at some stage that they have their own life to lead. nobody is the perfect child, and i think you can judge parents as to how well they modify their hopes for their children and gradually grow up as parents themselves - "okay, i wanted my son to become a top lawyer in senile, senile & senile, but i'd rather he were happy and healthy and will support him in it, even if he ends up working at macdonalds".

 

so what i want to say is, you seem quite well adjusted (what a strange term!) from the short post you wrote, so i imagine that your parents did something right bringing you up, and i imagine that they love you, and you love them. and seeing as they don't have problems with other gay relatives, chances are, things will turn out fine, if you tell them.

 

of course, they probably already know. loving, attentive parents aren't quite as slow as many people like to believe

 

and if they don't already know, try spending demonstratively more time with your girlfriend. they'll proabably soon catch on.

 

hope this helps.

 

howie

[CoLeYy]

thanks howie .. ok i told my mother and she denys it. she says im only 16 and i have no idea what im talkin about and i dont know what i want. so she dont believe me My sister says that i shouldnt tell my dad yet. just bring up the subject. so at lunch since my family ussually has a really big sunday lunch i decided to bring up my best friend edwin who happens to be gay as well. nd i told my dad that he woulld be coming over and wants to meet them. he said he has no problem with gay ppl but he doesnt agree on thier life style. this scared me. Now i dont know if i should tell him at all i mean i hate hiding it but now im reallly reallly scrared =[

[Howie]

thanks howie .. ok i told my mother and she denys it. she says im only 16 and i have no idea what im talkin about and i dont know what i want. so she dont believe me My sister says that i shouldnt tell my dad yet. just bring up the subject. so at lunch since my family ussually has a really big sunday lunch i decided to bring up my best friend edwin who happens to be gay as well. nd i told my dad that he woulld be coming over and wants to meet them. he said he has no problem with gay ppl but he doesnt agree on thier life style. this scared me. Now i dont know if i should tell him at all i mean i hate hiding it but now im reallly reallly scrared =[

 

 

mm, that doesn't sound good, what your dad said about edwin. did he say what he didn't like about their lifestyle? maybe you should tell him first that you don't have a problem with gay people. and it sounds like you should give your mother time to come to terms with it. it sounds as if your sister would support you though

 

maybe it would be best to put plans on telling your dad about your sexuality on hold. oo, this all sounds complicated. maybe somebody else has some advice too.

[NickolasJames8]

Are your parents married, bacuase if they are, maybe your mom already told your dad and he knows and maybe that was his way of telling you his thoughts about it....I wish you luck no matter what happens

 

Kisses

Nick

[Kay_Derwydd]

I'm not sure what to tell you, aside from what others already have. Just love yourself and know that we wish you the best of luck.

 

~Kay

[Tony]

Hey Nicole!

 

I have a story to share with you.

 

My parents were born and raised in the Soviet Union, so their ideas of racism were quite different that us in the USA. But when I asked my mom what she thought about homosexuality, she replied that she wasn't sure, because she didn't know anything about it, but she thought that it was wrong, because that's what her mother had told her. So, I started reading up on the subject, and I came across a book called What if Someone I Know is Gay?, by Eric Marcus. I gave this book to my mom to read, and she got so into it that she stayed up until four in the morning engrossed in the writing. The book itself is basically divided into several topics, and is a big Question and Answer type of document, that answers many fundamental questions about the truths, myths, and pleasures of homosexuality, while also providing plenty of first hand experiences, both by parents and their children, and by friends who came out to each other.

 

After my mom had finished reading the book, she came to me, and said "This book has taught me so much! I see now that I was wrong to think that being gay is bad, because you can't do anything about it, and I was really touched by the stories that I read there."

 

It is then, that she had also read a letter that hinted at my being gay, so I knew that I had to talk to her about it, and I did. I came to her several days later, and sat down at the table. I told her that I loved her very much, and then I said "This may surprise you very much, but please don't get angry with me. I am gay. I hope this doesn't change anything between us, and I hope that we can still have the same healthy relationship we've been having all these years." To which my mom replied after a lengthy and uncomfortable pause,

 

"This surprises me very much. Had I not read the book that you gave me, I think I might have had a heart attack, or did something irrational! But since I have read the book, I can understand your situation, and I will do my best to support you with this problem. The only things that I'm sad about is that your life will be significantly harder, and that I won't have my own grandchildren."

 

All that is left now, is for my dad to read the book that worked miracles for my mom, and I will try to come out to him also, hoping for a similar result.

 

I hope I am not too late with this post, and that you will find a copy of the document and ask your parents to glance at it. I am persuaded that it will cusion your blow when you tell them of your orientation. Please know that the reason our dialogue sounds so corny is because we were speaking in Russian, and this is my best shot at a translation.

 

I wish you the best of luck, patience, and love, and I hope that all will go well for you and your family. I am happy to hear that you have a girlfriend, and I hope everything will work for you with her, also. I hope all this helps you out.

 

 

Hugs,

 

Tony

 

--

Edited January 22, 2006 by Tony

[NateB]

Hey Nicole,

 

Since you mentioned your cousins, personally i think you should talk to your aunt/uncle just in case your dad doesn't take it so well ( but lets not think that) It may come as a shock but if he doesn't like it, it may take some time for it to sink in. And like Tony suggested get him some reading material, that probablly will help.

 

 

 

-Nate

 

 

P.S. : omg tony i didnt know you were russian, russian guys are sooo hot

 

P.P.S I know this isnt the place for that comment

Edited January 23, 2006 by NateB

[BoyNeedsTherapy]

I'm not going to say don't tell them, because that's your decision and I totally get what you're saying about wanting to be yourself, but make sure you do it at a safe time. I mean, I don't know what your parents are like. My mum totally hates that I'm gay, but she deals with it, and I knew I'd never have to worry about them disowning me or not helping me financially (I know no one likes to think about money etc but realistically most kids wouldn't get by at all without their parents help). Anyway, that might be the same kinda thing for your folks, like you know that they'd never do that so even if your dad took it badly, the worst outcome would be some awkwardness between you and him. If however you think there's a chance your folks could over react badly, then yeah, maybe have like a back up plan or something. Sorry if that's really depressing but I just thought I'd bring that up. Hopefully you read that and thought 'Oh my parents would never be like that'!!! Also, like someone else said, maybe you can talk to your aunt or uncle, or your gay cousins and see what they say? Either way, take care and do what you feel will be best for you

[TheZot]

well.. hii im nicole. nd im 16. im bisexual nd i have a girlfriend. i want to tell my parents that im bi. but i am terrified of the outcome.i have 2 gay cousins and nobody seems to mind. but since im the child i think they are going to flip. i dont want to hide it anymore. any tips ??

I think what I'd do would be:

 

1) Talk to your cousins and get them on your side

2) Talk to your aunt and uncle and get them as allies (assuming your cousins say it's a good idea)

3) With your aunt and/or uncle helping mediate, talk to your parents

 

You don't want to gang up on your parents, that doesn't help. (Ganging up on people in general just makes them defensive) But having people around to mediate, especially people who've been through it before, can help take the sting out of it some, which is a good thing. Your parents may or may not understand -- can't tell you that. But they may well accept at least. Some external resources (like PFLAG) may help ease things along.

 

While I can't tell you what it's like to have a kid come out to you (I've already told mine I expect they should date at least one guy and one girl before they decide which works better ) I can tell you that most parents want what's best for their kids, want it pretty intensely even if you don't realize it. When that clashes with other intense feelings (like, unfortunately, the stupid "homosexuality is bad") you can get some unpleasantly spectacular results.

 

Other people can speak to what it's like to come out to your parents when you're in high school, which I can't, but from what I've seen with other people you're probably in for a period of adjustment even once they accept that you like girls and guys, so don't be surprised. It's definitely tough when you find out your kids aren't what you thought they were and it will send 'em reeling for a bit, no matter how much you want them to not.

 

This isn't to excuse anything bad they might do -- you'll have to decide whether you'll let things go or not. (I've found that in life It's usually best to let things slide if you can. Being bitter doesn't help anything) I hope for you that things go well.

[AFriendlyFace]

thanks howie .. ok i told my mother and she denys it. she says im only 16 and i have no idea what im talkin about and i dont know what i want. so she dont believe me My sister says that i shouldnt tell my dad yet. just bring up the subject. so at lunch since my family ussually has a really big sunday lunch i decided to bring up my best friend edwin who happens to be gay as well. nd i told my dad that he woulld be coming over and wants to meet them. he said he has no problem with gay ppl but he doesnt agree on thier life style. this scared me. Now i dont know if i should tell him at all i mean i hate hiding it but now im reallly reallly scrared =[

wow Nicole! I'm impressed with the skillful and mature way you've been handling this, way to go! As to your mother's reaction denial is a normal phase for parents to go through, and I'm assuming that once everything else is out in the open, and you're explicitly talking about your girlfriend, and spending time with her, and the "phase" doesn't go away, well she'll more than likely eventually come to terms with the fact that you ARE bisexual (and hopefully also be OK with it).

 

As for your dad's reaction, well perhaps I'm being overly optimistic, but I didn't see that as such a bad start. I mean of course it would have been better if he'd been like "oh he's gay! Great! I've known so many teriffic gay people." But just the fact that he's OK with having Edwin in the house, willing to meet him, and "doesn't have a problem with gay people" puts him WAY ahead of MANY people. I'm inclined to re-ask the question Howie posed: "was he specific about anything or just vague like that?" If he didn't say anything in particular it's possible that that's just his loosely held opinion, and it's very open to change.....This is a rediculous analogy and please forgive me for using something so trivial at a time like this. But I clearly remember saying to many of my friends just a few years ago "I don't like mustard, I don't mind that other people like it, and I'll even keep it in my fridge incase someone wants some, but I don't like it myself."......well now a few years later I've gradually been exposed to mustard, found out it's good for me and not at all untastey, and welll I LIKE mustard now...........what I'm saying is, once he actually finds out he has a bisexual daughter, and is more exposed to that sort of thing, there's a good chance he naturally come around, especially if his beliefs aren't too strong or closed-minded. And assuming that Edwin is a good person, and a credit to gay peopole everywhere, having them get to know each other might also help.

 

I'm not going to say don't tell them, because that's your decision and I totally get what you're saying about wanting to be yourself, but make sure you do it at a safe time. I mean, I don't know what your parents are like. My mum totally hates that I'm gay, but she deals with it, and I knew I'd never have to worry about them disowning me or not helping me financially (I know no one likes to think about money etc but realistically most kids wouldn't get by at all without their parents help). Anyway, that might be the same kinda thing for your folks, like you know that they'd never do that so even if your dad took it badly, the worst outcome would be some awkwardness between you and him. If however you think there's a chance your folks could over react badly, then yeah, maybe have like a back up plan or something. Sorry if that's really depressing but I just thought I'd bring that up. Hopefully you read that and thought 'Oh my parents would never be like that'!!! Also, like someone else said, maybe you can talk to your aunt or uncle, or your gay cousins and see what they say? Either way, take care and do what you feel will be best for you

 

This is an EXCELLENT point. It doesn't sound like your situation is too bad, but if there is any chance of such serious repercussions you might want to wait until you're "on your own" so to speak. Speaking for myself, I was never really THAT worried about how my mom would take the news. I mean she always made it apparent that she'd love and support me no matter what, so I figured even if she didn't like it she'd come around, BUT I have to admit that one of the most comforting and confidence inspiring thoughts was the fact that worst case scenario I was on my own, supporting myself and there was really nothing she could do about it. In fact a few months earlier I'd lent her a bit of money (at my insistance), and when I told her she was visiting me for the Thanksgiving holidays, so again worst case-scenario at least I was "on my own turf". But of course if these aren't concerns for you then I wouldn't worry about it, also you probably would have resources to fall back on with the gay cousins etc. And, just my opinion, but it really doesn't sound like your parents are that type to me. I suspect they'll be fine with it sooner or later.

 

Hey Nicole!

 

I have a story to share with you.

 

My parents were born and raised in the Soviet Union, so their ideas of racism were quite different that us in the USA. But when I asked my mom what she thought about homosexuality, she replied that she wasn't sure, because she didn't know anything about it, but she thought that it was wrong, because that's what her mother had told her. So, I started reading up on the subject, and I came across a book called What if Someone I Know is Gay?, by Eric Marcus. I gave this book to my mom to read, and she got so into it that she stayed up until four in the morning engrossed in the writing. The book itself is basically divided into several topics, and is a big Question and Answer type of document, that answers many fundamental questions about the truths, myths, and pleasures of homosexuality, while also providing plenty of first hand experiences, both by parents and their children, and by friends who came out to each other.

 

After my mom had finished reading the book, she came to me, and said "This book has taught me so much! I see now that I was wrong to think that being gay is bad, because you can't do anything about it, and I was really touched by the stories that I read there."

 

It is then, that she had also read a letter that hinted at my being gay, so I knew that I had to talk to her about it, and I did. I came to her several days later, and sat down at the table. I told her that I loved her very much, and then I said "This may surprise you very much, but please don't get angry with me. I am gay. I hope this doesn't change anything between us, and I hope that we can still have the same healthy relationship we've been having all these years." To which my mom replied after a lengthy and uncomfortable pause,

 

"This surprises me very much. Had I not read the book that you gave me, I think I might have had a heart attack, or did something irrational! But since I have read the book, I can understand your situation, and I will do my best to support you with this problem. The only things that I'm sad about is that your life will be significantly harder, and that I won't have my own grandchildren."

 

All that is left now, is for my dad to read the book that worked miracles for my mom, and I will try to come out to him also, hoping for a similar result.

 

I hope I am not too late with this post, and that you will find a copy of the document and ask your parents to glance at it. I am persuaded that it will cusion your blow when you tell them of your orientation. Please know that the reason our dialogue sounds so corny is because we were speaking in Russian, and this is my best shot at a translation.

 

I wish you the best of luck, patience, and love, and I hope that all will go well for you and your family. I am happy to hear that you have a girlfriend, and I hope everything will work for you with her, also. I hope all this helps you out.

Hugs,

 

Tony

 

--

 

WOW Tony! I'm seriously impressed, way to go dude! You handled that like a professional! I'm so glad for you, and hope everything goes as well with your father!

 

Anyway I wish you all the best Nicole (and Tony with his dad) and let us know how it goes. Take care

 

Kevin

[JamesSavik]

There is a thread about Coming Out with helpful links in the General Discussion forum.

 

 

-JS

[Howie]

so nicole, how are things?

 

i hope everything's okay, and that your mother has calmed down a bit.

 

do let us know...

 

howie

[CoLeYy]

woot!.. i kinda forgot my pw b4. umm my mom doesnt bring up the subject at all. my dad i think is taking a hint. i have my girlfriends ring on my necklace nd i asked him if i can see brokeback mountain nd he said oh " that queer movie" i dunno if im gonna tell him but if he asks i most likely will say it . so as of right now things are quiet in my house thanks for asking howie

Edited January 25, 2006 by CoLeYy

[Howie]

woot!.. i kinda forgot my pw b4. umm my mom doesnt bring up the subject at all. my dad i think is taking a hint. i have my girlfriends ring on my necklace nd i asked him if i can see brokeback mountain nd he said oh " that queer movie" i dunno if im gonna tell him but if he asks i most likely will say it . so as of right now things are quiet in my house thanks for asking howie

 

her not bringing up the subject may be a good sign. maybe she's ruminating on it and will at some stage accept it. your dad using the word 'queer' to describe brokeback mountain doesn't sound very hopeful...

 

please forgive the following (unhelpful) remark: sometimes i'm happy i was born in old europe and not america. i hope that america will at some stage catch up.

 

howie

[reapersharvest]

her not bringing up the subject may be a good sign. maybe she's ruminating on it and will at some stage accept it. your dad using the word 'queer' to describe brokeback mountain doesn't sound very hopeful...

 

please forgive the following (unhelpful) remark: sometimes i'm happy i was born in old europe and not america. i hope that america will at some stage catch up.

 

howie

 

Baby steps, we were founded by Puritans.