The United States of Bros: A Map and Field Guide

[methodwriter85]

There's this humor piece, called the United States of Bro, which purports to be a map of all the bro types in the country.

 

Here's what they said about my area, and I think it pretty much nailed it:

 

 

The Mid-Atlantic Bro

Uniform: Boat shoes without socks, pastels. Salmon colored shorts. Sailing motifs.
Intoxicant of choice: Beer, vodka, whatever. Eventually the night will lead to cocaine.
Secret shame: Has poor parents. Actually does not know how to sail.
Celeb brospiration: Bradley Cooper in Wedding Crashers.

 

Other than the poor parents bit, that is literally a description of hundreds and hundreds of guys I saw walking around University of Delaware. It was culture shock when I went to school in Western P.A. and you didn't see boat shoes and salmon colored shorts as far as the eye could see.

 

What does it say about your area? (If you're from the U.S.) Do they get it right? What are some things/areas they missed?

Edited April 3, 2014 by methodwriter85

[MikeL]

A big LOL on the Southern Frat Bro.  I don't know anyone like that.  Of course, at my age, I would never be considered a  bro.  The only trait I can identify is the addiction to SEC football.

[Mann Ramblings]

There's no midwest area. Perhaps we have no bros... but... I'm not that far from Detroit. There has to be something there without making a racist joke. Douchebags come in all varieties. I feel slighted. LOL

[mickey1952]

One of the silliest things I've read recently. And unfortunately, at least for the Great Plains and Dallas profiles, more accurate than most of us who live or have lived there would like to admit. LOL!

[TetRefine]

"MassBro: Driving like an aggressive dick, throwing around homophobic insults like it's the early 90's."

 

​They should replace homophobic with racist. Boston was and still is the most racist/segregated city in the Northeast, and they don't go to much length to hide their disdain for blacks. 

[Adam Phillips]

I'm quite confident that I'm measurably dumber for having read this worthless essay. I could actually feel the IQ points dropping with each paragraph. It was, like, brain-numbing or something. And it wasn't even funny.

Edited April 4, 2014 by Adam Phillips

[Sasha Distan]

there needs to be one of these for the UK.... so badly...

[methodwriter85]

I'm quite confident that I'm measurably dumber for having read this worthless essay. I could actually feel the IQ points dropping with each paragraph. It was, like, brain-numbing or something. And it wasn't even funny.

 

   Oh, you know it's true, you Dallas Frankenbro.

 

The Dallas Bro

Uniform: The Dallas (or Houston) Bro is a hybrid of many bro styles; a frankenbro if you will. Like the Mid-Atlantic bro, the Dallas Bro enjoys boat shoes without socks and pastel shirts. Like the Midwestern bro, the Dallas Bro loves a good pair of comfortable shorts and the occasional visor. Like the Red State bro, the Dallas bro sometimes wears gingham button downs. And like the Country Bro, the Dallas bro appreciates the value of a good pair of leather Redwing boots.

Job: Oil, gas, real estate, insurance.

Drink of choice: Brown liquors. Smokes when he drinks.

Secret shame: Very concerned with finding a wife before a certain target date, usually in the late twenties.

Hobbies: Hunting, fishing.

Celeb brospiration: Matthew McConaughey, obviously

 

 

 

LOL. ;-) (Just kidding. I know you're nothing like this.)

[Thorn Wilde]

The Brooklyn Bro sounds pretty much like every single hipster I know.

 

And somehow the Masshole seems like the least annoying to me. At the very least he's an honest douche, you know? No airs and graces, you can just tell, right up front, what he's like.

 

The Dallas Bro is the most like the Norwegian bro, I think, if you replace brown liquors with lager and disregard the bit about finding a wife. And if he's from the city he's more into drunken cabin trips with other bros than hunting, but will still go fishing because it feels like a sufficiently manly thing to do. 

[Y_B]

I don't know anyone who's ever used "bro" this definitively